Dear Redhead, My Girlfriend Is Fat

Ask The RedheadWell, as you’re reading this, The Redhead is en route to Las Vegas. Alas, not really the weekend of debauchery that most would envision. After all, I’ve been to strip clubs, I own a pair of tits, and while I win more poker than I lose – I’m going to Blog World. Stay tuned and follow @DearRedhead on Twitter for the latest updates and compromising photos. Let’s just hope I don’t come across any feral beavers or midgets holding dildos asking me to pose for their webcam.

This week’s questions are kickass and thanks to all the readers who grew a pair and sent them in. But I have a news flash: you no longer have to grow a pair to ask The Redhead a question! Check out my new anonymous question submission form! That’s right – you can shroud yourself in the womb-like comfort of a nameless and email-less means for inquiring about your kinks. Hawt diggity dawg.

Again this week, we’re giving away a prize – get your sexy on with your honey with the JimmyJane Afterglow Massage Candles. Not only do they create a sexy glow, but you can (oh my) paint your lover with the warmed oil they create!

Post your first time experience with a sex toy below. We’ll announce the winner at 5pm EST on Friday!

Very well – to the Questions!

Dear Redhead~

My wife had a baby four months ago, and since then I’ve had next to no libido. I miss sex, but the drive is gone. Any ideas?

Postpartum

Dear Postpartum~

What are you talking about? You’re trying to tell me that following your wife’s episiotomy and the new guest in your home that keeps odd hours (and takes your place on your wife’s tits) and only sleeps for 3 hours at a time that you suddenly have no sex drive?

Shocker.

Mommy Wants Vodka was actually talking about the mom-side of this equation earlier this week. It’s not just you who’s feeling a bit over and underwhelmed lately!

According to CNN, new dads get the blues, too. If you find yourself feeling blue, you’re probably not alone. Sure – you may miss the sex, but there have been some major changes in your life lately. While a new baby is a welcome addition to your family, they will invariably throw-off your Husband/Wife routine and even knock your mojo for a loop.

Sit down and talk with your wife about what’s what and try to plan some time together to “babyproof” your life. Enlist babysitters or trusted family members or friends and give yourselves a night off. Bottle the breast milk and don’t feel bad about making room on your wife’s boobs for you to settle in for you own long winter’s nap – or at least take the time to get to know one another again.

*****

Dear Redhead~

If I love my girlfriend, why do I have such an issue with her being fat? She was curvy when we met, but five years later, it’s just fat and unattractive. Help?

Too Much Lovin’

Dear Too Much Lovin’~

Well, I’m a little bit of an asshole about this and I fully expect some backlash (bracing myself, bring it on). If she’s fat, she’s fat. You can love her, but it doesn’t mean you’re still attracted to her. I call it The Give Up, and it happens to both men and women. We’re dating, on the prowl, lookin’ good and working out. When we land someone and get “comfy,” tight sexy jeans are traded in for sweatpants and you find yourselves at Wal-Mart at 7:43am on a Sunday. Just because.

Fuck that.

My recommendation is to have a conversation with her. It’s a given that she would probably feel better if she looked like she did five years ago. Offer to help her get there (and maybe even make the journey with her, big guy). Join a gym together, work with a personal trainer as a couple, start taking walks, get bikes and ride around the park each evening. Nobody, male or female, wants to hear from their partner that they’ve done The Give Up. But if you don’t hear it from someone you love, you’re probably not going to hear it at all.

This has the distinct possibility of going over like a fart in a spacesuit, however. If she comes back with the attestation that you should love her regardless, tell her love ain’t the issue. The size of her ass IS.

We all have a responsibility to our partners. The guy I’m lucky enough to share time with started seeing a sedentary chick with a broken leg – I kindly ushered an extra 10 lbs onto my 5’4” frame. I’m an athlete, though, and once I could put weight on the damn thing, I was doing anything I could to show those 10 lbs the heave-ho. I’m well on my way, and the weight loss is for ME, not him. But I know he appreciates it. Are some days better than others? Hell, yes. But my fitness is for ME. I thrive when I’m rock and ice climbing, trail running and on my bike. It makes me happy. If she feels the issue with her weight is about YOU, then that’s probably indicative that there are other problems feeding (pun intended) her weight gain.

Our partners bought a certain package. Sure, our bodies change as we get older, but there’s no reason for The Give Up. It’s a lack of self-respect and disrespectful to your partner to assume that they should remain attracted to you if you decide sitting in a box of Twinkies is a good way to spend your time. Keep the package in order and hey – look for ways to improve it on occasion. If your partner did the same for you, there would be a lot more fucking and a lot less pissing and moaning.

Erika Napoletano About Erika Napoletano

Erika Napoletano is the Head Redhead at RedheadWriting LLC, a Denver-based online strategies consultancy. Her blog, RedheadWriting, is a bastion for "unpopular thoughts and blunt advice - delivered" and consistently strives to say what others won't and don't (but should) about marketing, social media, business integrity and life in general. She's a guest blogger on such popular outlets as Copyblogger, one of the most widely read RSS feeds on the web and was named in Social Mouth's 7 Examples of Kick Ass Personal Branding. You can follow her on Twitter (if you dare), check out the hoopla on her Facebook Fan Page or discover what it's like to be Bitch Slapped (a recurring weekly feature on her blog) at www.redheadwriting.com.

Comments

  1. fatladykatie says:

    For the second item – I think instead of focusing on the weight, which will just make the girlfriend feel like shit (read my blog, see what in a fat girl's head) he should probably help her deal with whatever is causing her to gain weight. Until she tackles that, it probably won't matter if he offers to workout out with her – which is just fucking trite anyway.

  2. Dear Redhead says:

    Man, oh man…I love my readers. I really do :) *off to ponder the winner!*

  3. I feel a zillion times hotter when I’m in control of my weight. As someone who is currently struggling to get on top of that (I HAVE A GLANDULAR PROBLEM PEOPLE) I know that if The Daver mentioned it, I’d be so hurt. I mean, shit, I KNOW what I look like. I just had a baby. But huh, I dunno. That’s a hard thing to talk about.

    Good call, Dear Redhead. As always, your advice is brilliant.

  4. Congrats Ashley! You are the winner of our sexy toy story contest. Perhaps your hubby can use your new JimmyJane Afterglow Massage Candles, to uh….relax you like never before ;) Please email me with your address. Thanks, and have fun! Sandy

  5. My first “dildo” was an 18 inch Doc Johnson Ballsy Super Cock. Trust me, that name is more than a mouthful in more than one way. I actually didn’t buy it. My husband at the time bought it as a Christmas gift for me, along with a pair of slippers. He jokingly said, “If you don’t like the slippers, you can go f**k yourself.” And so I did. That bastard!

    Anyways long story short, I threw it away after the plumber discovered it under the bathroom sink (the balls were built like a suction cup for bathtime play) and I realized the world of “vibrators”.

    Kimberlee (Jells)

  6. He really wasn’t! Paul is just a perv! A genius perv!

  7. Hmmm……did you ever think that perhaps your hubby was the one behind your receiving this gift from his friend?

    The gift that keeps on giving ;) It doesn’t get any better than that.

  8. My first sex toy was a little orange plastic vibrator. It came in a basket of sexy things I got for Christmas from my husband’s friend, Paul. At first I was a little horrified by it because back then I was a little bit of a prude (hard to believe, I know!). My husband, on the other hand, was very excited about the present and whipped it out when I didn’t expect it.

    After that, well, let’s just say that was one of the best Christmas presents I ever got!

  9. Dear Redhead says:

    Well, hello everyone! Thanks for stopping by today! I’m in Blog World in Vegas and checking in periodically. Loving the stories so far today — keep ‘em coming! Check my Twitter steam for updates and I can’t wait to hear more…aaand…if we get 20 comments, I’ll share MY first sex toy story with you! (tempting!)

  10. First toy? It happened about 9 years ago, in college. My boyfriend at the time would occasionally drive me the two hour trek to school. The route took us past several “adult” stores and we often joked about stopping so he could get me something (phone sex only goes so far). Well, on one occasion we did.

    He went in alone. I was too embarassed to go with him (I know – ridiculous, but I had not yet discovered this realm of things!) I slumped down in the front seat as men came and left the store (no pun intended!), waiting for what seemed like FOREVER.

    When he finally emerged he had a big silly grin. He got in the car and handed me the bag. We made it about a mile before I asked what he got.

    I opened the non-descript brown paper bag and pulled out a maroon box, with a clear plastic window, showcasing a flesh colored vibrator/dildo. He asked me to open it, and handed me a pack of batteries. This is where my memory gets a little fuzzy, probably due to the orgasm-coma I was in for the remaining part of the drive…

    While I haven’t used it in a long time, it is still in its box in the garage. Just another reminder I should probably do something with it. You know-before the kids find it.

  11. Lisa: You’re right. I have way better sex when I am in shape and toned. That’s when I tend to own it, work it and flaunt it!

  12. Lisa Nelson says:

    I have comments on both your posts Erika.
    First, being a mom as well I know that it’s hard to feel sexual when your entrenched in the daily life of mother/wifehood. My son is 14 and this is one thing I have learned…have a date night! Even if it’s just once a month (although once a week would be better). Dress up! Look and feel sexy for your partner. Even go places and do things that might not ordinarily do….like going dancing or even a strip club (works for me and my hubby!) Take yourself OUT of that motherhood role…and enjoy your partner for an evening. Talking about the kids isn’t even allowed.
    As for the guy that wrote in about his partner being overweight….as unattractive as she may be to him, believe me she probably feels even worse about herself. I believe libido and self esteem are directly related. The great thing about hard kick ass exercise is that in addition to making you look better, it also releases all kinds of hormones that make you feel better and can even increase your sex drive. I highly recommend Cross Fit for doing both of those! I have had conversations with several gals I work out with (who dropped weight like you wouldn’t believe) that say they are having the best sex of their lives!

  13. The very first sex toy I got was one of those cheap $10 tiger-striped vibes as a semi-gag gift from a friend for Christmas. Keep in mind, I was 17 at the time, so vibes were still hilarious instead of being a real toy. That said, I was also still a virgin. However, my now-husband and I were getting closer to doing the dirty deed, so I figured I may as well help myself out by ‘loosening things up down there’.

    I have never gotten the big ‘O’ from intercourse (to this day – I know, sad, right?), so I frigged my clit numb with that little bugger… Then I slowly moved southward… I began running it all over my vag, hoping to loosen myself up. However, all I could think of was the scene in Slums of Beverly Hills where Natasha Lyonne has her first vibe experience. I finally began inserting the vibe, and, well, I was definitely enjoying it. It was a might bit painful, but it was almost as big as Erf’s dick, so I figured with the way flesh gives it’d even out. Then I turned the vibration on. Whoa Nelly, was that a fantasmic new feeling!

    It was a perfectly lovely experience (until I wore the batteries out) and I had many an orgasm with my cheap vibe. My new favorite toy is from PartyGal, and it’s called the Tickle Baby. It’s a vibrating pink (WATERPROOF!) bullet with four speeds. Even the cord vibrates. And when you stick that baby up the back door, get in the doggie style position and give your husband the remote – It makes for a LOT of fun. :) It’s like him having his own personal, self-lubricating, vibrating vagina! It’s also made bath time lots of fun. Way better than a rubber duckie, if you ask me.

    Erf really loves massages… So I’m thinking that with my story and your massage oil candles, we could make my husband very happy. *wink wink* Whaddaya say?

  14. He is buff – toned – flexible – yet firm. He came with multiply interchangeable heads …. (oh those heads …. uuummmmm).

    This is my main man when my real main man is not around, or sometimes when he is. It’s somewhat of an antique by now, I’ve had it for, well, um, let’s just say over 15 years. Hey, I love my toys and take veerryy good care of them.

    To be honest, I can’t really remember the first time I let him tickle and entice my bits and pieces, but it must have been one hell of a time, cause baby he’s still got it!

    I have tons of toys now plus my one “special” stud from the past. I doubt I will ever part with him. Maybe I’ll even request he get thrown in my casket on my way down. No one else is going to use him.

  15. My first real toy experience was grabbing a couple (guy) friends and taking a field trip to one of the seediest, creepiest, most awful sex toy stores I’ve ever seen. Think ill-kept vid booths in the back, incest porn mags in the front, and toys that look like they had been kicking around since the Carter administration.

    I bought a rabbit vibe, which I paid entirely too much for, and a “stick” vibe that lit up brightly as you turned the power up. The whole way home was spent with me hanging out the passenger’s side window, signaling other cars with my new erotic flashlight, getting pulled over by a cop for doing so, and getting a rather bemused slap on the wrist.

    Well. Once I got home my friends didn’t see me for a week and a half. Long story short my whirring, grinding, phthalate-ridden rabbit had gotten the beloved moniker of Espresso Maker because it did everything but! To this day, many years later, Espresso Maker comes up in conversation, leaving new friends of the group with a vague impression I’m apparently a little too in love with java.