Dear Redhead, I have A Boob Fetish

In honor of breast cancer awareness week, I will be no less snarky but much more topical. I’m usually all over the fucking map on any given week’s post, so I’m simply going to get to the point this week and have a titillating discussion about boobs.

Breast cancer can be beatenI’d like to begin this week with a top ten list of my favorite nicknames for boobs:

10. Breasteses
9. Bubbies
8. Knockers
7. Snuggle Pups
6. Teats (makes me giggle every time)
5. Love Bubbles
4. The Twins
3. Tits (hey, simplicity is good)
2. Jane and Russell
1. Sweater Kittens (my all-time fave)

Again this week, we’re giving away a prize – get your sexy on with your honey with the JimmyJane Afterglow Massage Candles. Not only do they create a sexy glow, but you can (oh my) paint your lover with the warmed oil they create!

Simply tell us your favorite nickname for your boobs and we’ll pick a winner at 5pm EST on Friday!

Now that I’ve had my very own Letterman moment, I’ll remind you there is a gratuitous shot of my boobs in it for my followers when I reach 1000 followers on Twitter. I’m tellin’ ya – they’re great. I play with them all the time. Help support boob love and jack up those followers. As of the writing of this post, only 191 to go!

Let’s get on with all that is bodacious and ta-tas.

(If you’ve submitted a question through DM, email or our new Anonymous Online Submission Form and it’s not boob-related, I’ve bumped you to the following weeks…never fear – The Redhead is reading.)

Dear Redhead~

I got a boob job a few years ago and I’m having trouble finding health insurance. Any tips for insuring my twins?

Loose Cannons

Dear Lose Cannons –

Sister, you’re preaching to the choir. I own a pair (courtesy of Dr. Awesome) myself. Having done the research, here’s what I can tell you:

  • Kaiser does not ask about breast implants on their deductible plan application forms but DOES on their HMO applications.
  • If you have had mastectomy-related services from your health insurance company, they are obligated by law to cover associated services, like reconstruction (including implants). This is called Janet’s Law.
  • Your best bet is to contact a health insurance broker and explain your situation. The fact that you’ve got New Boobs is nothing he/she hasn’t heard before. They can shop multiple providers for you and get you a realistic rate quote. For the most specific results, try using the search term “health insurance <your state>” for a list of websites and companies to contact locally.

It sucks that insurers give us a hard time for choosing to enhance our sweater profile. I wish you luck and if you find out anything interesting, drop me a line using my contact form.

Dear Redhead~

I have a total boob fetish. I like having sex but could really just totally get off with a guy playing with my boobs. Biting, pinching, groping, and yes – titty fucking – I love it all! I’ve just started seeing a new beau and our sex has been pretty tame till now. How do I let him know about my…well, THING with my boobs without seeming like a slut?

Twisted Titties

Dear Twisted Titties~

“Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.” ~ Aldous Huxley

To me, the beauty of the human animal is that we each have our kinks. Anyone who says they have no kinks is the most perverse of all and is likely hiding them and bound to rupture at your local post office one day. Bottom line: we all have those “little things” that just turn us on and we shouldn’t be afraid to share them.

Kinks are the sprinkles on our sexual sundaes – they add pizzazz to the substance that lies beneath (a healthy sexual relationship). If you’re worried about your new man’s response to your preference for mammary action…ummm…DON’T BE! I have yet to find a man who wasn’t aroused by boob play. Men are excited about their ability to turn us on. It’s the hunter in them. They hunt down our orgasms (or should) and are relentless until they find him. Unless he’s a dude more interested in the manual for his iPod than your boobs (in which case, trade him in for a newer, more attentive model), I have a feeling that he’ll embrace your titty kink with open hands, mouth and mind.

And now, a public service message from Dear Redhead:

Boobs are awesome. They fill out sexy lingerie, they have little buttons on the end that indicate when we’re cold and they nourish our children (and later, our husbands or life partners). Here are some tips from the American Cancer Society on early detection for breast cancer.

  • Women age 40 and older should have a screening mammogram every year and should continue to do so for as long as they are in good health.
  • Women in their 20s and 30s should have a clinical breast exam (CBE) as part of a periodic (regular) health exam by a health professional, at least every 3 years. After age 40, women should have a breast exam by a health professional every year.
  • Breast self exam (BSE) is an option for women starting in their 20s. Women should be told about the benefits and limitations of BSE. Women should report any breast changes to their health professional right away.

If you are at high risk for cancer, consider protecting your family with a supplemental cancer policy from AFLAC. These low-cost policies pay families money when they need it most: upon diagnosis. There’s no substitute for regular self-exams and preventative care. Take that cigarette out of your mouth, feel your boobs once a month and get smart. Read about lifestyle risk factors here and what you can do to lessen your breast cancer risk and keep your titties around for all the world to love.

Erika Napoletano About Erika Napoletano

Erika Napoletano is the Head Redhead at RedheadWriting LLC, a Denver-based online strategies consultancy. Her blog, RedheadWriting, is a bastion for "unpopular thoughts and blunt advice - delivered" and consistently strives to say what others won't and don't (but should) about marketing, social media, business integrity and life in general. She's a guest blogger on such popular outlets as Copyblogger, one of the most widely read RSS feeds on the web and was named in Social Mouth's 7 Examples of Kick Ass Personal Branding. You can follow her on Twitter (if you dare), check out the hoopla on her Facebook Fan Page or discover what it's like to be Bitch Slapped (a recurring weekly feature on her blog) at www.redheadwriting.com.

Comments

  1. I love Chest Potatoes! Tee heee heee!!

  2. And the winner is …….. Shellieshel with – “hey can you get that door” & “hey can you carry that heavy box”. Wordy, yes. Effective, always.

    It was a tough one this week though. Kudos on the contributions everyone. Join in the fun next Thursday, when we will have another contest!

    Congrats, Shellieshel! Please send me an email with your information. Thanks.

  3. ROLFLMAO – The Mama’s and The Poppa’s

  4. Pink-nose puppies.
    My last one. Promise.

  5. OH.
    MY.
    GOD.

    Nice work everyone…@Dave – you can call her boobs The Mamas and your balls can be The Pappas.
    @Chad Gardner – I am laughing out loud. Leave it to a man to get 6 for the price of one via a blog comment! SWEET!
    @Aunt Becky – I am so glad someone else calls them Sweater Kittens :) MEOW!

  6. When my wife was breastfeeding our eldest daughter, she’d ask her “Do you want some Mama?”

    She breastfed her long enough that our daughter took to calling them “the mama’s”, and it stuck.

  7. The rare opportunity I get to see a set, I refer to them after the 80s band The Pointer Sisters, well, because as they sing, “I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it. I’m about to lose control and I think I like it.”

    I know there were three ladies in the group, not two — but that is just an extra boob I would get to see. Well, in this case, that would be six boobs.
    My. night. just. got. better.

  8. “Dirty Pillows” a la Carrie.

  9. Shellieshel says:

    Mine have always been “hey can you get that door” & “hey can you carry that heavy box”. Wordy, yes. Effective, always.

  10. we like to call mine “taters.” in fact, i just received an email pic in which my “taters” are PROUDLY up front and featured…=)

  11. As a kid my lovely little lady bumps would have best been described as “Aspirins on an Ironing Board”

    There has been improvement over the years and now I like to call them my “Beacons” and yes they draw their share of attention!!

  12. Sweater kittens.

  13. An oldie but goodie from my high school days: chesticles.

  14. Excellent post.

    I am pretty sure there is NO way that girl’s new boyfriend will be opposed to having his own personal set of boobs to play with all the time.

    That is pretty much every man’s fantasy.

    Tune in tomorrow for my list of boob names in my article ;)

  15. Kind of a fan of dinglebobbers. And shabba-dos

    I would do about anything to own a set.

  16. You forgot the latino favorite – chichi’s. (chee-chee)

  17. I don’t have breasts (I’m a boy), but Nicholson Baker calls them ‘frans’ in one of his books. Also: ‘softies’ is a nicely illustrative name.

  18. Oh, Shari (not the Steve Perry song)…I beg you: name them something other than Sarah and Palin. :-(

    Keep the boob names coming. The Pointer Sisters…hehehe….

  19. Right now.. mine are called Sarah and Palin. They have also had many names threw the years but Sarah and Palin has stuck. Even the friendly bar folks refer to them as that name.

  20. Rib balloons

    Jell-o puppies

  21. I myself am partial to “the Pointer Sisters.”

  22. Funbags.

    You forgot Funbags.

  23. I’ve never had formal names, they’ve kinda changed as I’ve gotten older. Teenager: “Ren and Stimpy”. College: “Sam and Adams” (I like their lite beer). 20’s: “Bob and Phil.” I don’t really know where those last two came from, I just woke up one day and the right one was Bob, and the left was Phil. I say, when your boobs go through an identity crisis, you just gotta go with the flow. Love the article!

  24. I love taking time to fondle my fabulous b(.)(.)bs – it usually leads to some very fun times ;)

  25. Kinks are the sprinkles…priceless! Haha…

    I am partial to “the girls”, “Casaba’s” (even more fun to say with a Spanish accent), “fun bags”, and of course the “trusted turkey timers”! (Ding!) :)

    Thanks for the timely reminder to give ‘em a squeeze.