Wanna know something funny? Of course you do. ‘Tis why you read my column. (I hope it’s not purely for the semi-substantiated sex advice.)
There’s this guy here in Denver I slept with. Yes, it’s true: The Redhead has actually engaged in intercourse outside of wedlock. Holy. Fucking. Shit. But that’s not the remarkable part. I can’t call what we were doing “dating” since dating actually implies a two-way relationship, so for the love of all that’s holy, let’s just call it “convenient for at least one party.” SO! What’s remarkable is that, since this “convenient thing” has ended (months ago) and I’m like a giddy schoolgirl with Mr. Snacky (my chosen pseudonym for my new Royal Hotness), he still feels the need to mention how awesome it’ll be to see my tits when I flash them when I hit 1000 followers on Twitter.
Here’s my thought: when something is done, let it be done. Do you really think I’m interested in having a conversation about your thoughts on my tits? All I can do is spend my days thinking about nibbling on various parts of Mr. Snacky and here you come, uninvited, with the “awwwyeah – TITS!” like they’re an appetizer from Applebee’s on game day.
Do I think my tits are the holy grail? Not even close. But they are $5500 worth of man-made perfection and I doubt my followers will complain. But they’re not yours to talk about. That’s the cool thing about having tits: they’re mine. Nanny-nanny-boo-boo.
So guy: it’s done. It ain’t something to rehash. Stop talking about my tits or thinking you even have permission to talk about them. You had your card pulled. And by me, if I recall correctly.
On a brighter, more self-indulgent note, Dear Redhead was the focus of last Friday’s #69 Edition at Cru Jones Society. Thanks, guys. Sending you a virtual boob flash for the props!
For all my faithful followers that are asking – “Ohhh…..is there a contest this week?” You bet your sweet little butt cheeks there is! Get your sexy on with your honey and JimmyJane Afterglow Massage Candles. Not only do they create a sexy glow, but you can (oh my) paint your lover with the warmed oil they create!
Just post the most unusual place you’ve had “sexy time” below. We’ll announce the winner at 5pm EST on Friday!
This week’s column has me all choked-up. And, we’re going to finally answer two questions that have plagued all mankind. Put your gag ball in, get tied to the bedpost and settle in for some reading!
Dear Redhead~
My boyfriend often grabs my neck while doing me from behind – I think he’s trying for the autoerotic asphyxiation effect. I have to admit there are times where I let it go on a bit and it does heighten the pleasure, but it scares the hell out of me. Is the pleasure worth the risk?
All Choked Up
Dear All Choked Up~
autoerotic asphyxiation is the act of cutting-off your own oxygen supply (generally during masturbation) to heighten sexual pleasure. What your guy is doing is asphyxiation erotica. Commonly referred to in BDSM circles as “breath play,” it isn’t something you can just let your boyfriend do to you. You both need to be in agreement about safety, that it is consensual and what you each perceive your comfort level to be (and how to signal for a partner to stop – as you can’t really tell him when he’s choking you). Yes, the danger is there for you to go too far, but if you’re really interested in learning how to safely incorporate breath play into your sex routine, try Bondage.com. Every fetish has a home, and you might find some solid information there.
As far as the pleasure being worth the risk: I’ve never done heroin, but seeing Requiem for a Dream once was enough to convince me that the “pleasure” isn’t worth the risk. Just sayin’.
Dear Redhead~
Why do I get more interest from a woman when I treat her kind of crappy as opposed to when I’m nice and polite?
Confused Dude
Dear Confused Dude~
Because it’s all about primal instinct, my friend. Men and women both enjoy the thrill of the hunt. When most (stupid) women feel pushed away, they’ll try to “fix” the situation. Guys are no different with a woman they like. Ever had that woman you just fawned over who wouldn’t give you the time of day if she were in a clock tower wearing three watches? You still thought she was hot.
As well, there’s a confidence thing in all this. Both men and women alike who put out the vibe that I’m just as good with you as without you vibe are just a little bit…sexier…than the rest. What you might perceive as “treating crappy” may be no more than you taking care of your own needs. But if you really are treating a woman crappy, I’ll bitch slap you myself. There’s a difference (men and ladies – listen up) between being a confident person with your own interests and needs and being a dick or a bitch. There’s never any excuse for being the latter. Confidence is sexy – no one likes a doormat.
Dear Redhead~
So what’s up with women anyway?
Mankind
Dear Mankind~
This is what I get for having an anonymous question submission form on the site. But, it’s a question that needs answering, so I’ll rise to the challenge.
Women are inherently evil. There – I said it. We lure you in with our nice smells and heaving bosoms, promises of blow jobs and delicate back rubs. We only pretend to like sports because we know we can play the you watched the game so now you have to take out the trash card. We are conniving and quite frankly, will ruin your life if you let us.
We will marry you only in community property states so we can walk away with half of everything you own after the divorce. Your friends? Really – just forget you have them. Once Captain Fantastic seeks refuge in a va-jay-jay’s warm embrace, owner of said va-jay-jay IS your only friend.
We purposely lift the toilet seat up even if you put it down, solely for the purpose of having something to yell at you about. We will also change our mood, hair, clothes, what’s for dinner and The Rules at any given time. It is OK for us to buy shoes that cost $400, but completely ludicrous for you to spend $40 on the boxed set of Star Wars movies. We don’t care if it’s all six movies. These are Stuart Weitzmans, for fuck sake.
Finally, unless you want to try “gay” on for size, we are the only ones who will suck your dicks. Which means you’re stuck with us. Or one of these. Your choice.
Thanks so much for visiting us! We are working hard to bring you the best in sex, snark and hilarity along with sex toy reviews of the latest and greatest sex toys that are available. Never miss a thing by subscribing to my RSS feed. Want to get social with me? I would love it if you followed me on Twitter! Have a suggestion? Questions about our sex toy reviews? Just want to say hello? I would love to hear from you.
Related posts:
- Dear Redhead: Sarah Palin Is A Waste Of A Good Set Of Tits
- Dear Redhead, My Vibrator Stinks
- Dear Redhead, My Girlfriend Is Fat
About the Author
Erika Napoletano is not your sister’s Barbie doll. She’s the sister who stole your Barbie doll (along with your brother’s G.I. Joe and had them getting it on in the back of her R.V.). The only way we can think to describe her is Dan Savage with a vagina – and most likely, a bigger dick. You can follow her rants at RedheadedFury, an uncensored traipse through her life and times. If you’re more of a techie, check out her irreverent take on social media, business and the interwebz at RedheadWriting. Get social with Erika on Twitter.
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
So true. But I might challenge you to pull a 180 and answer…. “What’s the deal with men?”.
Being one of those combination of stereotypical men (tech geek, gamer, sports player, outdoorsey, etc.), it’s annoying to no end that whenever it’s convenient, one of those stereotypes are chosen to describe me to “win an argument” or “prove a point”.
I take a woman for everything she is – is it just not that way in return?
@Mike – The right woman will take you at face-value and love you for all there is to love…and all the crap right along side of it. If a woman is playing cards on you to win arguments, maybe she’s not the right woman to have in your life.
*** Small print disclaimer: above column contains high levels of snark, sarcasm and self-deprecating humor and are not meant to reflect what The Redhead feels is key to a healthy relationship.
Unusual place for “sexy time”: In my top four, I’ve got two restaurants and two household appliances. A washer’s not so unusual, but it was a washer in a McD’s during business hours… however, I think I’ll submit “on top of the refrigerator.” It was actually incredibly comfortable.
Though it wasn’t “full on” sexy time, I was feeling pretty proud of myself getting my girl to moan while in line to see the sharks at the local aquarium. It involved bending over the railing and sliding hands under covering arms to get at her nipples. The sex had to wait until the car and everyone has had sex in a car.
-S
Uhhh… is this where we leave our random place to have sex, comment?
I am not including my website because for the love of all that is holy I don’t need people in the same town as me reading about my misadventures and then recognizing me on the street with my child and saying, “you’re the girl who got fucked on Colfax!”
Anyway.
I used to live in Colorado Springs and when I first met my husband we used to drive up here all the time together to see shows. One night we got up here, parked the car on Colfax and whatever the cross street is where The Bank bar is, and with some time to spare we got it on right in the front seat of the car with no tint on the windows. People on the sidewalk could see very clearly what was going down.
The second we wrapped it up and were “getting ourselves back together”… who approaches our window? None other than my ex boyfriend!! YAY! “Hey! What are you guys doing up here! You goin’ to the show?”
uhh….. yeahh!!! We, uhh… we sure are man. See you inside!
FML.
@Sarah – that was YOU?!
@Sam – all I can hear is the JAWS theme, man…
Broke into a ski shop twice and had sex on the waxing bench and the front counter. Broke into my college pool afterhours and did it in the shallow end.
Hmm, maybe this is more about breaking and entering than love times, but what better way to top off an adrenaline filled activity than with a little sexy time.
Looking forward to seeing some awesome answers! Maybe some good ideas!
Oh, and for the white trash winner: against the back of a pickup truck parked in the street while drinking a pbr (literally). That is one night I am absolutely not proud of!
Whats with your “Mr. Snacky” wanting to have you show us your breasts…. I mean damn how old is this dude rather how toolish does he sound. Given that it seems you have a nice set of “girls” and your probably correct in saying your followers will NOT complain. Who pesters someone that much… he must be what….. barely 22. LAME!
As for your comments on autoerotic asphyxiation, Im quite happy the way you handled this question. At least from my view, this… new way of pleasure is a touchy subject for some. Education is always the key, now with all that said when its done correctly… its a LOT of fun for both or all three parties.
First let me say this to anyone reading this comment, I’m not a writer and have no ambition, im just intelligent and opinionated.(Know anybody else like that) Now lets breifly talk about “Confused Dude”, I admire his ability to ask such a question. But Redhead.. . There is so much missing and dare I say it because its your opinion (you cant be wrong because its your own opinion)… but I think its just a females view on a more predominate male situation, that needs more explanation. As very very important as taking care of your own needs are, this has nothing to do with it. This has more to do with they way sex is treated in this society, ie: women carry most of the power of sex and use it as a tool to get what they want (Not all the time and not all women.) When we treat women this way it takes women down a notch so that we can show you we don’t care about having sex with you. Ok enough from me, I’m going to say something to really make somebody who doesnt understand mad. If you want to talk about it more.. Id be happy to discuss it.
Random sex..
I was down in the Independence parking complex in Downtown Denver. I had just had a great date nightwith my GF at the time and of course throughout the whole night we had been flirting and talking about dirty things. We get to the parking garage/lot and nobody is around… at least that we can see… one thing led to another and… it happened on top of the hood of my truck in a parking lot. Later we sure could have used the JimmyJane Afterglow Massage Candles.
@Eric – let me clarify: Mr. Snacky is the apple of my eye and my tits are at his disposal. He’s also offered to send Dr. Awesome a hand-written note of thanks.
The offending dude is NOT Mr. Snacky. He’s just…guilty of being offensive.
Regarding Confused Dude, what you’re describing is really nothing other than the “thrill of the hunt.” Women want guys who don’t want them and vice versa – it’s about wanting what you can’t have. And yes, there are some women who treat sex like it’s the Fountain of Youth, but the smart ones know (as do the smart guys) that you rarely ever end up in a long-term relationship with someone you fuck on the first date.
Why?
Because it’s trashy. It works for a handful of folks who may have met their Immortal Beloved in bed, but a solid relationship is built on fucking someone you can talk to — not talking to someone you happen to be fucking.
That’s my piece.
Well, it’s not a terribly unusual place, but husband and I like to get it on in the dressing room when we’re out clothes shopping. We haven’t had full out sexay time there, but there have been plenty of blow jobs given in the not-so-much privacy of our dressing room. Good times!
LittleTeapot – I think there is a little exhibitionist hiding in there.
I spent a night walking around a city far from my home and talking and making out with a georgous man who kept looking at me like he wanted to eat me (in every sense of the word, damn just thinking of that look makes me want him…). Anyway, near the end of our time together he gave me the best and most intense fingerfucking I’ve ever had in a churchyard (Not a graveyard- they’re kinda creepy and whole different type of story!).
I think my most unusual place was on the Cement bench in the front yard of my college. But my most bizarre incident started off as relatively usual. When I was a freshmen in college, my grandfather died. My fuck friend at the time was actually from one town over (weird coincidence) so he drove me home for the weekend.
Well, we got home, dropped off my stuff and then went for a drive to … shall we say “celebrate life”? Anyway, we ended up parking in a random mowed field. Anyway, we finish up and get ready to drive back to my house. As we’re climbing back into the front seat, my ‘friend’ looks out the window and goes “what the hell is that?” So we both climb out of the car and it turns out what we thought was a pile of hay leftover from mowing was a dead sheep.
@Misty – I think you’re ahead. No one else has brought a dead sheep to the table. Or field, for that matter. OY!
In a shinto shrine on a remote island of Japan.
While the chanting was going on.
It was a spiritual experience in every way.
What a horny bunch! Churches and shrines – oh my!
On the plastic lawn chair outside the house while it was windy. Weeds were blowing all over and next thing I know, I see the 80 year old neighbor watching.
Now, if only we could get the dead sheep into the plastic lawn chair.
Anyone else hear banjos?
In the woods, behind Pathmark in NJ. While some creepy old dude watched.
I’m a huge fan of exploring when the mood strikes. My most unusual may have to be in a canoe. Balancing was incredibly difficult, but well worth it! *sigh
Most unusual place I have ever done the nasty was on the grounds of the Playboy Mansion during a pajama and lingerie party. Mrs. Toy With Me was injured in the process.
I’m apparently an outdoors girl. I’ll give you three:
- in the leaves w/i a few feet of the road up a mountain (we were hiking)
- on a picnic table at a state park, during day light; barely finished and got back in clothes before other hikers came by…or did we?
- in a foot of snow behind some bushes on my college campus back in the day. Let’s just say snowballs were involved
So, the strange place I’ve ever had the sexy time. The Bishops Garden at the Washington National Cathedral in DC. I was young, it was passionate, and oh so taboo. So there you go.
Ahhhh ….. yes, the Playboy Mansion. Sexy, risky and wildly hot! I could have forgone the injury if I had not been so overly excited
Canoe??!?! A CANOE!?!!?!
Holy hell. I need to hop on it with the “excitement.”
#excitementfail
Ok you proved you’re a wild bunch. But of course, there can be only one winner. And this week’s winner is……..
Misty!!!! Congratulations Misty! We laughed, we cried and we laughed some more. There was no ‘beating’ the dead sheep.
Please DM or email me with your full name and shipping address.
Thanks to everyone who took part in the contest and stay tuned for more next week.
Congrats, Misty! You had me at “sheep.”
PS: you would have won if it had been a goat.
Nice work!
A removable yoke/center thwart makes it much easier in a canoe.
#justsayin
Thanks, @ToyWithMe! I’m glad you enjoyed some of the Midwest Madness! Don’t you all want to move to Nebraska now?!?!
I’m sure my husband will be excited to hear about this. … So thanks again!!
Hey Misty, I still need your shipping info in order to send your prize. Please DM me or email me. Thanks.
Dear Redhead – You have a very creative bunch of readers! Disturbing, true, but creative!! A canoe…..?
For me it was right before half time of a football game. It was so crazy hurrying to finish before the whole team came in… A little exciting but mostly worried the whole time.
CDO – Did you manage to score a touchdown?
I sent my details thru the “email me” thing on the page… I’m guessing you didn’t get them somehow.. so I also DMed them to DearRedhead on twitter.
Thanks again!