I Could Totally Take Sarah Palin in a Cage Fight

Here’s the rub: I’ve got issues with Sarah Palin. (I know – shocker, right?) I’ve called her a perfectly good waste of tits. I’ve also said that given the choice of having what some purport to be a crooked politician (Joe Biden) and a homecoming queen (Palin) as my Vice President, I’d take the crooked politician. At least he knows how to navigate politics and the ways of the Washington landscape. My perpetual issue with the raven-haired You Betcha Bird is simple: she’s a political catastrophe. A cuntastrophy, if you will. And simply no one I want, regardless of her political ilk, in a position to act as the figurehead for this nation I call home.

If you’re new to Dear Redhead, I’ll sum-up my fiber in a few phrases:

• I support our military with fervor and believe all should have the right to serve, regardless of sexual orientation. Americans are Americans.

• I have no tolerance for evangelical Christian fundamentalism that cries foul when national policy doesn’t support their preaching of hate. If there is a God, I think he’s a kind a loving one, accepting of all walks of life – not just those that walk in step with your path. Americans are Americans.

• I would appreciate it if the government would keep their laws out of my va-jay-jay (and everyone else’s for that matter).

• I am a fiscal conservative and a social moderate.

• Oh, and I write an op-ed column for a website specializing in sexy commentary and reviews of adult toys. The horror. Some folks have called it porn. PORN!

I’m also a businesswoman. I own my own online strategies consulting firm and am endlessly delighted that I am well compensated to do what I love for a living. When I consider business relationships and potential clients, I have to ask: how will we work together? Will we “click?” (whoops – almost wrote “cock” there – thank peanut butter for spell check!). I look at potential Presidential candidates with the same criteria: how will you represent this nation I love to the world beyond our borders?

In other words: could my leader kick someone’s ass in a cage fight? McCain was a total loss for me. Flipper arms. No way could he defend an attack to the head. Obama? Arms that work, an “outside voice…” A bit of a rough side. A smoker. While a deplorable habit, I could see him snuffing-out a butt on Bin Laden’s bomb-wielding noggin given the proper motivation.

Dear Redhead reader, I present to you the Republican Party’s portrait of the ideal candidate (to-date). Holy fucking shit – the Presidential front-runner wears hot pants? Slap me and call me Sally – I should have stayed on the pole. I could have been a contenda. I could totally take her in a cage fight.

Palin’s Got Great Tits, but Marketing is Key

But it doesn’t mean I see her running the Land of the Free, Home of the Brave. Rather, I see her doing keg stands at a frat party. I’ve got great tits, too, but they only come out in social situations via a tad of cleaving, not on the cover of national magazines. Hell, if I were looking at the sweater kittens popping into a national rag, I’d sell ‘em to Penthouse or Playboy. Redheads have real estate value…Palin? Hell. I’m climbing up the cage walls and pouncing on her Cross My Heart. If you’re going to use sex as a weapon, load the guns and take some motherfuckers out in the process. Don’t cry foul…more on that later.

Celebrity Versus Cogency

I have to agree with Ron Hart: Palin’s more suited to win a swimsuit competition than she is a political debate. I need a leader with cogency, not celebrity. Someone well liked, not an icon. I need the person who is willing to be the asshole, not the emerging ingénue only looking for her next blockbuster.

What I don’t need is a national figurehead who resigned the political office to which she was elected (some say “selflessly”) to pursue a gig with a broadcast cable news outlet to further her ambitions for a higher political office. From her God-knows-why bestselling book to speaking engagements to station on FOX News, I’d prefer my Presidential candidate to be honing his or her skills for the 4 years between races doing…oh, I dunno…serving our nation? She had a gig doing just that and she gave it up for pancake makeup, studio lighting and a teleprompter. Fuck knows, it sure beats writing on your hand, right?

When I sit down and think of a leader to represent my nation, I think of a person smart enough to not pose for a ridiculous cover shot for a national magazine like Newsweek. And here’s another beef: Palin claims she thought it was destined for Runner’s World…seriously. It simply makes no sense. Runner’s World has a monthly circulation of 640,000. Newsweek, a circulation of 1.5 million per month. She’s showing more leg than is allowable in most public schools in the United States – the distribution channel doesn’t matter. Jesusgodinheaven, I thought mixing Everclear with two cups of Hawaiian Punch was better than mixing it with just one (when I was 15). I was wrong – it fucked me up right and proper BOTH ways. Much like Palin.

I also think about someone smart enough to not bash domestic health care reform and then claim her family sought medical care in Canada. Convenience is the mother of choosing sides: when courting an audience, it’s key to show you relate. However, read the entirety of that article. In 2007, she told people her family traveled by ferry to Juneau, Alaska for treatment. Now, I’m a product of the public school system, but methinks Juneau is still part of America (fuck, yeah). Bueller? Bueller?

While she’s parading around like a ring girl, I’m sneaking up behind her and pulling her hair in a not-so-nice way and pinning her to the mat. And I’m going to look hot when I do it.

Three (Seven) Faces of Eve

I’m a governor. I’m a Vice Presidential candidate. I’m a sex symbol. I’m a TV journalist (for FOX, term used loosely). I’m a potential reality show subject. I wanna be the President!

If I told my clients that I have as many diversions as Sarah Palin, I’d be hard-up for work. If you’re in HR, would you hire the candidate who explains how they have to be office at 5pm sharp to go walk their dogs and ride their bike so they can be home in time for House or the candidate who demonstrates that yes – they have a healthy work-life balance but they’re intrigued with future possibilities with the company?

She’s looking in way too many directions at once. I’m seeing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the kidneys accompanied by the UFC-sanctioned bitch slap.

Doesn’t Matter Who They Like – They Don’t Like YOU

It’s not just me. A “majority” of Americans polled in a recent Washington Post/ABC survey indicated that they feel Sarah Palin is unfit to serve as President (read the compilation from the Huffington Post here). While I don’t feel 1,004 random Americans constitutes a majority in all fairness, public sentiment is down, folks. It doesn’t matter who you hate in Washington – no one likes anyone else any more.

If you’re going to climb into the ring, you want folks to either love you or hate you. It’s the same with any effort you put forth in life: indifference is deadly. Whatever Palin’s doing, apparently the current administration is doing the same thing. When an audience dislikes both folks in ring the equally, they’re going to choose sides and fast. It may not go in your favor, so watch what you do before you get into the ring.

While Palin’s busy deciding what to bash next, I’m thinking it’s time to flash my boobs and gains some audience favor. She’s waaaay to worried about public perception of HER instead of the public’s perception of how she’s an advocate for THEM. I’m going for a titty-twister and…if I know Palin, that should take her down for the count. (Lord only knows it would me!)

Wrapping-Up

Cage fights are necessarily what kind of brawn you bring into the ring – they’re about focus. Distractions. If you give-up training to go get your hair done, all you’re going to do is look good when you go down and that’s really of no use to anyone other than a porn star. I’m not anti-Palin because she’s not Hillary or because she’s a woman. I’m against her from a tactical and brand image standpoint. She has horrific brand management and apparently feels she should be America’s darling regardless. I think it’s pretty telling when your own party’s pundits come out against you.

I’ll leave you with the words of Paul Mulshine, conservative newspaper columnist, who dubs Palin “Just Another Whiny Liberal Claiming Victimization.”

“Palin is motivated not by a coherent political philosophy so much as by a set of inchoate urges. She has never given any indication that she has an identifiable political philosophy, conservative or liberal. She is not so much a political figure as a sort of national fertility symbol.”

I’ll take on Palin, but I’m staying out of the ring with Mulshine.

Now, tell me readers: what cage fighting moves have I missed? Give me your issue with Palin and the appropriate cage fight tactic. I’m honing my skillz, yo.

Thanks so much for visiting us! We are working hard to bring you the best in sex, snark and hilarity along with sex toy reviews of the latest and greatest sex toys that are available. Never miss a thing by subscribing to my RSS feed, or by having it delivered right to your inbox. Want to get social with me? I would love it if you followed me on Twitter! Have a suggestion? Questions about our sex toy reviews? Just want to say hello? I would love to hear from you.

Related posts:

1. Dear Redhead: Sarah Palin Is A Waste Of A Good Set Of Tits
2. The Redhead Healthcare Manifesto
3. The End Is Near For Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

About the Author

Erika Napoletano is not your sister’s Barbie doll. She’s the sister who stole your Barbie doll (along with your brother’s G.I. Joe and had them getting it on in the back of her R.V.). The only way we can think to describe her is Dan Savage with a vagina – and most likely, a bigger dick. You can follow her rants at RedheadedFury, an uncensored traipse through her life and times. If you’re more of a techie, check out her irreverent take on social media, business and the interwebz at RedheadWriting. Get social with Erika on Twitter.