God Damn.
I love my readers. Thanks again for your collective efforts to get me over 1000 followers on Twitter. You’ve been duly rewarded. However – there is some dissention in the ranks. Some of you are complaining about my provided “boob shot,” as if it weren’t enough. Here is where I am perplexed.
You’ve all now seen more of the Sweater Kittens than 99% of the world, so I’m really done with all of your selected whining on the lack of full frontal and nipplage. Here’s my response:
- There is a lovely man in my life who has earned the keys to my sexual castle. Only he has access to the “full frontal” and “nipplage.” I am a snarky sex advice columnist, not a nightclub skank or porn star.
- You saw boobs. I don’t understand why you’re complaining. Explain this one to me again?
- Lastly, you saw boobs. I’m still a bit lost about the whining.
I need all of you to go back to the days where you were fourteen-years-old and whacking off to a Farrah Fawcet poster. The days where you appreciated boobs. You saw most of mine this week, and that was my gift to you. Don’t look a boob horse in the mouth, yo?
To thank you further, I realize it’s been awhile since we’ve given away a toy here on ToyWithMe. So this week, I’m giving away…a cock ring. Yes, I said cock. Guys and gals, submit your hottest sex toy experience in the comments below and you could win the LELO BO, which is the best cock ring ever made. I have never given away a cock ring before – very excited. I have given away a no-longer-needed engagement ring, however. Another story entirely – my own little Hank Moody moment. We will choose a winner tomorrow at 5pm EST.
This week, we’re talking about Noobs. New to sex toys, new to sex, and new to becoming the UPS man. All hail the Noobs! Let’s dive in face-first. (snicker)
Dear Redhead~
My wife bought a little small vibrator – not much bigger than my thumb – shaped like a bullet. We tried it maybe 2 times and she decides that she doesn’t like it. What are we doing wrong? Does she need something that goes inside her?
Unphased
Dear Unphased~
I’m on your wife’s side, actually. Those little guys do nothing for me, but I’ve read product reviews where you would swear they produce orgasms akin to the Second Coming. Everyone has preferences when it comes to sexual stimulation, just like we all have favorite sexual positions. You may want to try out something like the Hitachi Magic Wand (a bit more high powered) or something like the We-Vibe (a different shape and designed for couples). She may even want a larger vibrating surface like the Lelo Gigi provides. Bottom line is there are plenty of vibrators on the market that will give your girl a thrill. Don’t be discouraged about not finding the right one from the get-go. Let me put it like this: I suck at every Wii game I’ve ever played, but as soon as I found Bowling, that all changed. Awwwyeah. Bowling.
Dear Redhead~
I don’t have much experience with girls. I do a lot of reading, but is there such thing as being too prepared? I just want to be ready when the time comes, but am I shooting myself in the foot?
The Noob
Dear Noob~
When it comes to the whole dating and sex game, everyone finds their rhythm eventually. While there’s no shame in waiting, and since I have no idea how long you’ve waited or what you’re waiting for, I’ll send out some general advice that you can take, leave or sell on eBay.
You can read all you want, but getting out there and figuring out the joy of sexual and relationship chemistry is a hands-on gig. There is no instruction manual for men or women though there are days we all wish to all that’s holy that wasn’t the case. You can treat two seemingly identical romantic or sexual situations the same but you’re likely to have a different outcome each time. Here are some things to keep in mind as you brave the sexual jungle:
- Sex is sex. Sometimes people just want to have sex. Recognize it for what it is, be honest about your intentions.
- Sex and relationships are both about sharing. They are not about giving. They are not about taking. The gentle balance – while it takes us all awhile and practice to find – is what makes the ride worthwhile.
- The thrill of the hunt is fun, but don’t be a doormat. You know what feels good emotionally and physically. Hopefully you’ll be finding a lot more that brings about those feelings as you get out there in the mating pond. Don’t let any woman walk over you – be kind but firm. Be your own person, as your self-worth has nothing to do with what others think of you – it has everything to do with what you think of yourself.
Keep reading, Noob – and report back and let us know how the waters are in the dating and mating pool!
Dear Redhead~
I read about anal sex in your column all the time and am pretty turned on by the idea. Problem? I’ve never actually done it. Any tips for a guy on his first time around back?
Applying to UPS
Dear Applying to UPS~
Thanks for being a regular reader and I’m glad that something here has stimulated your interest. Hoping I can be of help here since I’m not a dude, but here are some tips to get in you around back safe and sound…past the tip.
- Two to tango. I’m assuming your girl is game. If she’s not, you kinda need her to be game. Sexual exploration is natural for both men and women and anal sex is something that will require a little more…give…on her end than yours. (I’m cracking myself up.) In all seriousness, make sure that you both have an adventurous outlook on the hawt task at hand.
- Lube, dude…lube. Grab yourself some lube specifically designed for sex play. Not hand lotion. Not cooking oil. L-U-B-E. Our back doors do not, as I’ve mentioned previously, produce any natural lubricant. You may want to err on the side of a thicker lubricant than the more popular liquidy ones as well. They will keep you from having to reapply as often. And for the love of all that’s holy, skip the “tingling” and “warming” gels. Oh. God. No. Click here to get a free sample courtesy of our friends at Astroglide.
- Easy there, cowboy. You’re the winner in the “first package at the back door” game the first few times around. Go slow and let her guide the speed, depth and duration. I have no doubt you’re a stallion who could ride forever, but I’m thinking your girl has a day job and may need to sit down in the next day or two. Have a heart along with your hard on, mkay?
Don`t forget! submit your hottest sex toy experience in the comments below and you could win the LELO BO,
Thanks so much for visiting us! We are working hard to bring you the best in sex, snark and hilarity along with sex toy reviews of the latest and greatest sex toys that are available. Never miss a thing by subscribing to my RSS feed, or by having it delivered right to your inbox. Want to get social with me? I would love it if you followed me on Twitter! Have a suggestion? Questions about our sex toy reviews? Just want to say hello? I would love to hear from you.
Related posts:
- Dear Redhead – My Wife Sucks At Sucking
- Dear Redhead, My Vibrator Stinks
- Dear Redhead – You’re Offensive
About the Author
Erika Napoletano is not your sister’s Barbie doll. She’s the sister who stole your Barbie doll (along with your brother’s G.I. Joe and had them getting it on in the back of her R.V.). The only way we can think to describe her is Dan Savage with a vagina – and most likely, a bigger dick. You can follow her rants at RedheadedFury, an uncensored traipse through her life and times. If you’re more of a techie, check out her irreverent take on social media, business and the interwebz at RedheadWriting. Get social with Erika on Twitter.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
The LEO BO freking rocks. Everyone should own one.
Dear Red Head,
I’m not among the complainers and I was quite happy with what I got. If I was going to complain about anything, it would be the lack of face in the picture, I’ve never been a big fan of the headless woman thing.
However, I do find myself sympathizing with the guys(and girls) who want more. All of your arguments make sense but they would have made more sense up front. I can sympathize with these individuals who are likely feeling misled. Boob Emancipation has a certain style of ‘freeing the girls’ that is different from the implication behind the campaign.
By comparison, Skin-e-max softcore movies have their appeal and are a fine medium but if I picked up a box that was telling me XXX Hardcore action and I all I got was some frotage with implied penetration, I’d be a little dissapointed as well.
-S
I have never used a cock ring. Sounds interesting.
Good times and all her idea so i cant claim the creativity.
My only odd sex toy story is myself wearing a strap on and doing double penetration. It was strapped super tight and above my dick so my dick went anal and the strap on went into her wet woman cave. It was fun. She loved it. A bit awkward to try and control 2 dicks but this experience wasnt really for me now was it.
@Sam – I said “boob shot.” There was never any implication of “full frontal” at any time during the promotion. I am not an X-rated blogger, nor am I a porn star. I admit to being solidly NC-17, but not X. Sex toys are not porn, and I’ve got a pretty fucking good reason for not having my FACE in my boob shot: it’s called privacy. I can only imagine where that photo would end up. Sorry ya feel that way, but ToyWithMe stands behind me. Tits are tits…If you want to see any more of me, you’re going to have to earn my respect as well as my emotional and physical affections. There’s someone currently occupying that spot. I can connect you two if you’d like to speak with him.
*MUAH!*
Well, I think it is a perfectly lovely boob shot. I, for one, am not the least bit disappointed with becoming one of those new followers. I’ve had an absolute blast reading ToyWithMe and the various blogs it links with since hopping on board.
As for sex toy stories, I’ve only just recently started to allow another person to play with me and my toys, so we’re still working on developing some good stories.
(Going quite well so far, I might add. Lol)
Actually I’m good. There is a particular lady whose boobs I get to see all the time and as much fun as our occassional trip down the road to threesomes is, I know that she is more than enough woman for me to handle on a full time basis.
Like I said, I was fine with what I got (but it is a dishonest man who isn’t greedy when it comes to boobs) but as lost as you are about where the whining is coming from I’m just as genuinely confused how you didn’t see this coming.
Now, back on topic. Sex toys. For purposes of this contest does Bondage Gear count as sex toys? What about impromptu equipment forced into service? I’m afraid that all of the ’standard’ sex toys stories are either pretty straight forward or had some level of mishap that makes them memorable.
-S
Well my darling Dear Redhead, I have to say, I’ve had some interesting experiences with sex toys…
I bought a Tickle Baby from Partygals at my bachelorette party, which is a vibrating bullet connected to the controller (which houses 4 speeds) by a cord. One of my favorite features of this toy is that the cord also gets a’rockin and a’rollin, so you can use it vaginally and tuck the cord against your clitoris for a mild vibrating helping hand.
I’ve had excellent experiences both solo and in couple play with the toy, as it’s waterproof (Looove it!). I’ll share both, if you don’t mind. Something tells me you won’t.
Solo: My favorite experience with the TB was popping in one of my favorite pornos and settling back on the couch with my trusty pink friend and another small cordless bullet I had from another toy. The cordless bullet went in the back door, stimulating me quite nicely. I turned the TB on 1, and softly teased myself ; working my way up to the main event. I can’t come vaginally, so I notched up the vibrations after so long and went to C-town. The combination of the vibrations up the back door and on the clit were pure genius.
Couple play: I’ve shared this story already, but once more can’t hurt, eh? My hubby likes cock rings, so I’ve gotta give it my best shot.
On our wedding night, I shocked the hell out of him. We’ve tried anal before, but due to his girth it’s painful for me regardless of how much he relaxes me. So I came up with the brilliant idea to use the TB anally (which is where I got the idea I shared in my solo play story) and slowly turn up the vibrations as the rocking bed hit the wall faster and faster… He says it’s like having his own vibrating vagina, and he loves it! We’ve also used it vaginally, having the bullet rest against my cervix. The vibrating cord gets him along the shaft while he’s thrusting, and the bullet gets the head when he’s all the way in. 
And I loved your boobs, by the way. Very nice, I loved the bra shot.
Since we are talking about cock rings, I figured I’d give the male toy experience story. It all started with my wife’s lubed finger. I asked her to stick it up my ass. Vavooom! What a feeling! So I decided that it was time to explore a little bit (no pun intended – or maybe so). We went to the local toy store and picked out a set of anal beads. Since this was all new, we decided to go with the ’smaller’ version. I was a little apprehensive as the only thing that ever went up my ass was a finger. Bead 1 – this is nice. Bead 2 – interesting, lets try Bead 3 – WOW! Then Bead 4 – At that point in my life I had never came so hard in my life. Then we started experimenting with keeping the beads in while fucking. I’d loved the feeling of the end of the beads swinging back and forth and smacking my ass and my scrotum with each thrust.
After about a month, we went back to the local toy store to get a more ‘advanced’ set of beads – this one a bit longer and a thicker. Needless to say, the sensation was even greater. We love to love beads!
That is all.
PS: To all the men who are afraid of a finger or beads and have the notion that a man must be gay if they like items inserted into their rectum – my response is you wont know until you try and I bet you change your tune!
@Sam – Of course I saw it coming. It doesn’t mean it isn’t fucked up, though. And I never said YOU were whining.
And yes, bondage gear, etc. counts. Have at it, kiddo.
@Swingtastic…now THAT’S a story!
@Swingtastic WOW!
I second @Swingtastic’s comment on bum play. I actually posted an article on it. For those guys who are curious, but unsure.
http://toywithme.com/articles/sex-toys-for-men/
You don’t know until you try
Ya. I think most men who say they don’t like anal play have probably never actually tried it.
I have a fun story I would love to share about my husbands and my first toy experience, but I think I migjt get in trouble! : (
As much of a turn on it is to read your blog and to write from the office, the economy is not exactly hot right now and I kind of like my job. I am a toy hoarder.. I love variety and I love that there are more fun things being created all the time.
I will say that one of the most interesting toys was the Erostek 232 with some of the electrodes.. a little on the kinky side, but holy cow is that a totally different experience. hmm… maybe it is time to bring that back out again!
Oh.. Hottest! There was this time it was 117 outside and let me tell you.. DO NOT CHOOSE Metal toys!
I LOVED your boobshot, girl! I was waiting for it forever, it seems, since you first announced it. I was like YESS YES YESS when it finally came out!!! I looove it, you have glorious ta-tas my friend.
My hottest sex-toy experience, since I only just got my first sex toy a few WEEKS ago (Omg…I KNOW, right??) was with a Lelo Ella. Heaven upon heaven upon heaven!! My vagina loves me forever and ever now. Or, rather, my tender delicious G-spot. In any case, using her was the first time I had ever had a REAL G-spot orgasm. My boyfriend had kind of hit it before in previous sexcapades, but I had never had a FULL orgasm. Oh, boy. My first go with this baby, I got her all cleaned and lubed up, and boy was I ready to go! I got her inside of me, and began to thrust a little bit…a little goes a long way! I writhed and thrusted and suddenly, I felt the urge to pee, and (being well read about the subject of female ejaculation, seeing as I had always wanted to experience it), I relaxed and went with the flow, literally…I ejaculated all over the towel I had laid down for myself and gasped out in throws of pleasure!
The second time, I used her on the phone with my boyfriend, since he was away. We were both so turned on, we came at the same time! Except I kept coming…over, and over, and over…
Oh, man…good times. So…I would love to get my boy a little something so he can experience the JOY of Lelo. Ohh, Lelo! I lust just THINKING about their products…uhuhuh.
Just wanted to say I loved the boob shot. As a boob man I had been waiting for that for weeks. Especially after seeing you rock the cleavage in a couple Blog World Expo pics. Sure full frontal would have great, but a little mystery is never a bad thing.
I’ll start out by saying that I haven’t played much with sex toys, but this story comes to mind. One of my first experiences with any hardware in sack.
My wife had recently bought a little finger vibe for herself and was enjoying it. We were having a quiet night in. Decided to rent a porno, and got a little frisky on the couch. C pulled out the little finger vibe and was warming herself up. Finally we had seen enough on the TV and moved to the bedroom. She started going down on me, still with the little finger vibe on. It was feeling great, and then she moved the vibe to my frenulum. My eye’s rolled back in my head and I came instantly. I was so ‘blown away’ it took a few minutes to realize where I was. But I snapped out it and got to return the favor. We’ve since moved on to bigger and better toys, but that little guy is still in the drawer by my bed. Think I might grab it and wake up the wife right now…
the best advice you can give to a guy who wants to try playing with his partner’s bum is to try playing with his OWN bum first.
you have to love yourself before you love someone else!
Oh my, Rose – well @ToyWithMe, it looks like we have a Lelo fan in the house!
These are all great comments. One of the reason we do these comment contests (aside from the delicious reading!) is to give others ideas. Who knows – you just might find your next great orgasm here
Keep ‘em coming – you have until 5pm EST today!
DearRedhead – “Keep’em coming” nice pun, and it sounds like Rose is doing just that.
Lisa – Would loooovvvee to hear your story. We won’t tell – promise
LB – Now that’s hot stuff! You gotta be careful with metal toys, but OMG, they are a treat everyone enjoy should try. One of my all time fav. toys is a metal toy – the Pure Wand. A must have for every collection.
CP – Great advice for the guys – thanks.
Oh, and PB if you loved your wife’s little finger toy the BO will rock your socks off!
A few years ago for my wife’s birthday I decided to go a little crazy. We had experimented with bondage and discipline in the past but never full on. So I headed on over to JT’s Stockroom and got the ‘basic bondage set’ which basically meant soft padded wrist and ankle cuffs the kind that each lock with padlocks. A matching collar complete with a little red heart shaped padlock, ropes, and rings.
We had an unfinished room in our basement at the time which was nice because it was cooler even in the summer. The rings came attached to flat metal plates with holes in them at each corner. I used that to attach two to the exposed beam and a third in the middle to the concrete floor. I’d actually purchased four of them but the concrete was not easy going. I then put some of our storage items over the ring on the floor and left a throw rug nearby. It made for a great ‘play area’ at least during the summer. It was a bit too cold for nudity during the winter.
We used it several times before moving and sadly the new home doesn’t have nearly so discrete of a place to set up. My fondest memory of that time involved a fairly extended bit of ‘discipline’ roleplay. Hairbrush spankings and nipple clamps moved into bondage with her collar clipped to the floor ring by a double ended leash clip and her wrists held up by the ropes strung over the rings on the joists of the floor above. Its been a while but I think I used the strap-on butterfly vibrator on her while finishing up doggy style. We’ve never found those butterflys to work that well which is why I’m unsure.
For all its other problems, I miss that house.
Hey Sam, Having never tried BDSM myself it sounds like a lot of work, but I’m guessing all that planning just adds to the excitement.
Catch the Kinky Jew this Monday, she is doing another article on BDSM.
It’s Winner Time peeps!! Some very arousing stories this week. I just loved reading them. Thanks to everyone who played along. Catch DearRedhead here again next week with a new contest.
So who is the lucky winner of the LELO BO Cock Ring? SWINGTASTIC!!!
Congratulations! All that talk of anal beads made me wonder if some of us are missing out.
Please DM or email me with your shipping and email address.
Thanks.
YAY @swingtastic!! That story was HOT…I am glad he won!! Man he deserves this.
DAMMIT!! I have to be better about reading before Mondays!! I *TOTALLY* could have used that cock ring! Dammit… Can I get some kind of alert to my email?!