My Friends Husband Is A Dildo Nazi

NO DILDO FOR YOU!!!!I was feeling a little stumped for an idea for this week’s story, so I asked my dear blog readers for a little help and my goodness I’m glad I did because I got  a suggestion that I never would have thought of  on my own.

I actually have a Queefie (that’s what I call my blog readers, just so you know) whose husband will not allow her to own a dildo.

I know, right?

Around these parts, that’s like pooping on Jesus!

And when I read that, I was like “he won’t let you what now?”

I didn’t even understand what she was saying, because it’s so totally out of the realm of my daily reality it about knocked my universe all into a kerfuffle. I always thought a chick who liked a little t-o-y action was a good thing, and I thought all men thought so too!  Isn’t a woman who enjoys her body and enjoys sex and has no hangups about getting herself worked up into a lather pretty much the hottest thing a guy could imagine?  I’ve seen an assload of a little porn in my day, and about 80% of it starts off with a girl treating her body like an amusement park before the guy gets there!

And here’s the new thing you’ll learn today: people have been dildo-ing it since back in the upper paleolithic day, (I had to put my glasses on to write that part.  They make me smarter.  I don’t know why) so masturbatory tools are hardly a new thing us modern people invented to get our rocks off (HA!) and our knickers in a twist.

Not only does my husband (modern-day caveman that he is) promote and condone dildo usage, he goes so far as to purchase them for me now and then.  A while back, he picked out a glass one that’s actually very nice: smooth, clean, and hard–what more do you need?

Lately we’ve been thinking of moving on to a stainless steel number because we’re all about being dishwasher safe around here (message to the Toy With Mes: please, please, please toss any stainless steel toy reviews my way! Even though the speculum my pimp gave me as a present may be stainless steel, I’m really looking for something a bit less gynecological).

The first time I went to an Athena party, my husband about peed his pants with delight and started jumping up and down, clapping his hands and squealing like a little girl. Then, he handed over a check with $1,000 written in the amount box.

Or maybe it was $100?  I can’t remember the exact amount, but it was a very enthusiastic check.  He also provided me with a list of suggestions.

So obviously, when my dear Queefie told me this problem she’s having with her husband, I was shocked and even a little bit angry. That’s probably because I had The PMS at the time, but I was pissed at him for telling her what she could stick in her hey-nanny-nanny because really?  Husband or no, it’s none of his beeswax.

Amiright?

I mean, is she allowed to use tampons or do we have a problem with that too?  How about a finger?  Is it ok if it’s HIS finger, but not if it’s HER’S?

Don’t get me wrong, Toy With Mes– I’m not trying to slam her husband here.  I’m sure he is a perfectly nice man.  Everyone is entitled to a little jackassery from time to time.  In the case of my dearest husband, the jackassery is pretty much a default position, but at least he never tells me what I can and cannot do.

To me, it sounds like this lady’s hubby might be suffering from jealousy and insecurity that he might be replaced by an object, but whatever.  I fell asleep pretty often during Freshman Psych so I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.  Don’t judge.  It was at 7:30 AM!!! Try doing that with a hangover!

Or maybe he’s got one of those Madonna-whore complexes and can’t stand to think of his wife as someone who would–GASP–masturbate!

Or maybe he’s scared she’s going to chase him around the house with it and try and use it on him?  Even worse–maybe he’ll enjoy that! THE SHAME OF IT!

Don’t worry dude.

A little bum play doesn’t make you gay.  You can scratch your balls and forget to brush your teeth from time to time and still enjoy a little assical action.  It don’t mean a thang, brotha.

Hey, I stick things in my bum, and I’m not gay!

(HI MOM! Please remember that I’m your least disappointing child! )

Anyway, being a gal with a big ol’ bottle of wine and a mind of her own, she went online one night and bought herself a new friend despite her husband’s objections, plus she got a bunch of other stuff that they could share just to smooth his feathers a little bit.  That was a very nice diplomatic move, so yay for her!

But!  She says she’s nervous about the package arriving in the mail.  How is she going to break it to him?  Should she hide it under the bed?  Should she fess up right away?  Should she take her new best friend and hide her love away in a hotel room somewhere? Should she give him the Tony Danza and show him who’s the boss?

I don’t know, but these are the only suggestions I can come up with because I’m not a sex advice columnist. I’m…I don’t even know what I am and that’s why I need you Toy With Mes today. I need your input because we have got to help this poor girl have a come to Jesus meeting with her hubby. There’s still hope!

Please feel free to put your suggestions and/or totally non sequitur dildo stories in the space provided below.

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0 comments

  1. Steve

    I think that, considering his feeling on the subject and the fact that he was being honest with her should be enough reason for her to forget about the whole thing. Why would she blatantly do something that would obviously upset her husband? She is not the only one in the marriage and she is not the only one who has a say in “who
    And what goes inside her” as someone up there said. “It’s her body and she can do what she wants with it”????? What the hell does that mean?? Can she post nude pics of herself online? No. Can she have affairs simply because she wants to? No. Can she
    Become a stripper? No. Here’s why……..they’re MARRIED! And being married means to be courteous and consider your spouses feelings. When you’re married you can’t just simply “do as you wish”. Nothing in the world gives you the right to hurt your partner in any way. Perhaps this man views this as cheating on him. Maybe all you up there should consider it that way. If she’s using this thing while he’s not around, she’s having some type of sex in his absence. He has a right to feel that way. I would too. Especially if it was bigger or better than I am. However, if it was a clone and she only used it in his presence, he might view it differently, as would I.
    Thank you

  2. MNM

    I think this guys need to learn how to handle and work with his jealousy. While it's ok to be a bit insecure, I think it's not ok to react the way he did. It doesn't solve anything and will only make her carry out her fantasies in stealth, like she just purchased that dildo anyway without him knowing.

    So my advice would be for him to starting work with his insecurity. I admit that I too was a bit insecure the first time my girlfriend wanted to buy a dildo, mainly because of size. With a size of 6 inches and 5 inches around I'll be the first one to admit that I was a bit jealous when she bought one that was 8 inches long and almost six inches around. However, she shared her experience with me, and as time went on, I was accustomed to it and I learned to know that it was never about being replaced, but just something to spice up our sex life, and I actually enjoy trying them on her. It's all about challenging yourself and dare to step out of your comfort zone, I'd say that's the best way to remove any insecurity and to build self-confidence in bed. And that has worked for us. Now she just bought a new dildo, even slightly larger then before. It's almost nine inches long and more than six inches around and more textured as it's a copy of some pornstar's penis. I'm not jealous any more, I know that it's just a spice-up and fantasies. Sometimes she tells me she just likes to let herself sink down on it, letting herself getting stretched completely while closing her eyes and pretending it's my penis. As guys we just have to realize that women do have fantasies about a big penis from time to another, but it doesn't means she's looking for a replacement.

  3. gto

    My wife wouldn't even THINK of using one. She's old school prissy missionary position only, for procreation. I have ED and suggested it. She has this idea its kind of perverted to have one. What do YOU suggest here to try and steer her into possibly accepting one.

    • ken

      that's a tough one, gto.

      ask her to consider a scenario in which you lost a hand in an accident. would it be "perverted" to use a prosthetic?

      your situation is not one where the dildo is being introduced for kink, per se, or as a replacement to be used when she's alone–it's there as a tool to facilitate intimacy between you both.

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