Commemorative Dildo Making. Do I Really Need A Spare?

You Toy With Mes are lucky because you get to have me TWICE this week.  My husband doesn’t even get that!

So on Monday we covered how I feel about the chin strap dildo and how it impacts our lives and our dinner parties and stuff and today I will share my opinion about another sex toy that I do not understand.

It’s the Make Your Own Dildo kit and I guess you’re supposed to use your husband/boyfriend/uncle/sex slave/fuck buddy’s dick so you can make a model of the real one you think is so superfantastic, just in case it falls off or gets lost or something.

The Recipe

You do it by first mixing some powder they give you with the kit into a cup of water and then you stick the dick in there.  The dick must be erect, of course, when you do this and it has to stay that way for about a minute before you very, very carefully pull it out of the mold, all the while praying to Jesus and Mary that you can A) keep it up that long while you have your dick stuck into a cup of some funky goop because nobody wants a replica of a flaccid penis for christsakes and B) you don’t wait too long to take it out before it hardens and if you do leave it too long you’ll have a  block of concrete or whateverthefuck the stuff is permanently stuck to the Johnson.

Assuming you’re not heading to the emergency room for a jackhammer and a band aid, next you mix some other crap they give you together and pour it into the mold and wait a little while and voila!  Now you have TWO IDENTICAL PENISES–one rubber and one flesh!  Yippee!

Only I don’t get it.

I’ve heard of some outlandish hobbies before but Commemorative Dildo Making?

That’s just silly.

Can you imagine putting that on your resume in the hobbies and interests section? “I enjoy yoga, Chinese aphrodisiac cooking, and commemorative dildo making.” Unless you’re looking for a gig in either the prosthetic penis replacement or the adult services industry, I dare say you won’t get the job.

Having One Is “Hard” Enough

And I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want to have two identical penises. Unless your husband/boyfriend/brother/sex slave/fuck buddy is on a spaceship or was kidnapped by pirates or something, why would you need it? Just climb on board the real thing and keep a trucker happy, if you know what I mean.  I have enough trouble keeping the real flesh and blood one from sticking itself into the neighbor’s dog in a good mood, so having two is just one too many, if you ask me.

Go Fuck Yourself?

And let’s just say for the sake of argument that your husband/boyfriend/cousin/sex slave/fuck buddy likes to take it in the pooper.  If you were to use this on him, it would literally be like him fucking himself in his own ass with his own dick! That’ll freak your freak, right? It brings the phrase “fucking asshole” a whole new meaning and when someone tells him to go fuck himself, he can say “I have, as a matter of  fact, and I’m fantastic!.”

Clone Your Vagina

And while looking at the kits online and researching them a little bit, I came across a Make Your Own Pussy Kit!  I think it was called Clone-a-Pussy or something like that and at first I was confused because I really couldn’t picture anyone being willing to pour the molding goo into themselves, but that’s not what it is.

It follows pretty much the same procedure as the penis maker does, except you hold the goop up against your Fine China (as my friend Kiala calls it) and it makes a mold of your external girl parts and whoa Nellie!  You’d better be sure you’ve done your clip and trim because trying to pick plaster off your pubes is not really how you want to spend your Friday night, is it?  Or can you imagine if it gets caught in the hair when you pull it away?

YOWZA!  That’s an epic waxing job right there, my friends.

This Is A Good Thing

All kidding aside though, I actually think I might be able to get on board with this Commemorative Pussy Making  idea because it might eliminate the need for the Play Through if I can just tell my husband to go get the pocket Crissy and let me sleep forchristsakes.  I worry that I might get jealous though when he starts taking the pocket Crissy out for dinner and buys it nice jewelry and stuff and hold the phone I have a question! How exactly do you think the pocket Crissy might be cleaned after he’s um, finished? Is it dishwasher safe?  Can I just throw it in there with my daughter’s baby bottles and binkies when he’s done with it and have it come out sparkling clean and ready for another romp?  Of course, I’d have to remember to take it out before my mom comes over to help me with the housework like she sometimes does.  Can you imagine her holding it up and just being like “um…where does this go?” My mom’s pretty cool and stuff, but I think that would pretty much go over like a fart in a spacesuit.

Maybe I’d just tell her it’s a jell-o mold or something.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on Commemoritive Penis/Pussy Making.

I hope you have enjoyed them.

(Crissy exits to the song “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing”)

Possibly related goodness:

1. Christmas Craft Making For Perverts
2. Choosing A Dildo

About the Author

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.