How Not To Talk Dirty In Bed

ID-10034193Do you guys remember that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry tries to talk dirty to his girlfriend and he says something like “you mean the panties your mom laid out for you?” and then the girl got all offended and everyone thought poor Jerry was a total perv and possibly a pedophile?

I’m only mentioning it because somehow everything in life can be related back to Seinfeld.  Or maybe it’s just my life. I don’t know, but I’m not good at dirty talk, either.

For example, my Mister and I were doing the Sexy Time a few weeks ago, and I don’t mind telling you that we’ve had a bit of a dry spell lately, and so it was a particularly desperate Sexy Time and it was very hot and heavy and extended and drunken and to make a long and inappropriately detailed story short, my poor husband was having a hard time landing his plane, if you know what I mean (blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol), so he flipped me over and breathed “talk to me” in my ear and I panicked.

I totally froze.

I had no idea what to say at that moment because I’m not much of a talker during sex.  In fact, I’m totally silent most of the time.  I don’t scream, there’s no moaning or crying out about the holy trinity or anything like that. Sometimes there might be breathing of some kind, but that’s it, so when my husband asked me to talk dirty to him, I had nothin’.

After a long pause as I went through all the possible things I could say, I finally came out with: “um…fuck me with your huge cock?”

I know. Shut up!

What was I supposed to say?

I don’t know!

Had I known I would be expected to perform in such a manner with the dirty talk, I would have had something prepared!  Like maybe I could have written a couple of lines down on a pillowcase so I’d have them if the need arose, but I had nothing, and my poor husband just laughed and rolled away.  He was just like, “that’s it?  That’s the best you’ve got?  Dirty talk should never be phrased in the form of a question, just fyi.”

And I felt terrible, you guys.  All he needed was a few choice porn phrases and maybe, just maybe, he would have been able to land his plane.

What makes me feel worse is that he’s really good at the dirty talk!  Like, super good at it.

I’m not going to tell you what he says exactly because it’ll have you leaving a wet spot on your office chair and also because HI MOM! But trust me it’s hot. Perhaps it’s even too hot for the Toy with Mes, if that’s even possible.

Clearly, I need some help.  I just feel so stoopid saying dirty stuff.  It always sounds weird coming out of my mouth.  I could never have phone sex or even cyber sex because I have no swagger.

One time, I said something like “I’m such a dirty slut. Do you like to fuck dirty sluts because I’m soooo dirty and slutty and I fuck everybody.”

(you can blame that on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol, too)

For some reason, he didn’t like the idea that everyone had been on this ride.

I need to be in the Remedial class, so I Googled “Dirty Talk” and I stumbled across some person’s blog. Somehow, “I’m going to suck you like a lollipop” or “Fuck me like a porn star!” don’t seem very creative. “Do me like Daddy used to do me!” is pretty creative, but it’s also fucking creepy! Or Seinfeldian, come to think of it.

And then I wound up on of all places, and I got a few nice tips that make a lot of sense to me, so I’m sharing them with all you guys who might be having the same trouble.

1. Be authentic in your dirty talk.

Okay, so I’m not the only one who feels ridiculous shouting porn stuff. Yay! Apparently, to be good at dirty talk, you have to be yourself and put yourself in the role of dirty talker. So, like, if I’m a tired mom who just wants her husband to land the plane already, I should just say, “land the plane already!” or is that not the kind of “authentic” they’re talking about? I’m still a little confused.

2. Find your dirty talk voice.

Grunts and whispers are also considered dirty talk! Who knew? What about breathing? I can totally breathe dirty.

RIGHT? I think I’m getting the hang of this!

3. Expand your dirty talk vocabulary.

I do not need to do this. I have an excellent filth vocabulary. I’d like to think of myself as rather advanced in this department. NEXT!

4. Practice dirty talk when you’re alone.

Can you picture me standing there washing dishes, pushing the baby bottle brush in and out and shouting “deeper! deeper! cleaner! cleaner! I mean, dirtier! dirtier!”
Me neither. You can also do it while you masturbate, just in case you weren’t feeling a little weird about masturbating in the first place, now you’re shouting “FUCK ME DADDY!” at yourself.

5. Establish ground rules with your partner.

Make your partner promise not to laugh at you. I can try, but really? It’s kind of his favorite thing to do.

6. Start slow the first time.

Don’t worry about elaborate sexy talk right away. Stating the obvious like “we’re totally having sex right now!” is a great way to start.

7. Experiment with your voice.

I’m not really good at voices except for the one I use when I’m pretending I’m our dog and I’m talking to people. Maybe I could start with that? Sometimes I even answer myself. That would take the pressure off him to respond…

8. Make dirty talking a two way conversation.
This is intimidating because my husband is so good at it. It’s like trying to speak French to a French person working only from your English/French dictionary. Je ne suis pas sexy…

Anyway, I’m going to give it a try, but I’m still kind of at a loss for something to say. I guess it’ll come to me in the moment? I hope.

Do you Toy with Mes have any experience with dirty talk? Any choice phrases I can maybe start out with or are you just as verbally ridiculous in the bedroom as I am?

Free Digital Photos. Photo by photostock.



  1. mama2point0

    Thank you for giving me a much needed laugh this morning! Hilarious! And I agree, moaning is always a sure-fire bet & throwing in the word "pussy" can't hurt you either — like, ever. Good luck! You'll have to give us a dirty talkin' update!

    Nucking Futs Mama 😉

  2. I suck at dirty talk. I get all shy and embarrassed and I? Am never shy. Or embarrassed. So I totally hear you on this one. I'm good at moaning and saying it feels good but when he specifically tells me to talk dirty? I blank completely.
    Hilarious tips too lol

  3. I pretty much rely on the old standbys that work every time and are totally spontaneous: you feel so good, AMAZING!, fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me, you rock my world, etc. But I like to ask questions: what do you like? how does that feel? etc.

    I keep in the moment and it's all good.

    But I do have a funny anectdote: I went on a few dates with this dude when I lived in LA, we'll call him the Hollywood Schmuck. He was a little swank for my taste, but all was going fine until we started making out. He got his hands up under my shirt, starting rape kissing my neck, and let out the lamest dirty talk I'd heard in my young life. Something like: your boobs are so dirty. I couldn't help it, I laughed. I tried not to. I really did. But really? Yeah, I never saw him after that. hah!

  4. ken

    i have faith in you.

    after all, i successfully curbed my impulsive desire to high-five you after fucking, so anything is possible.

    • I'm thinking if you're into the high-five you might also be the type of person who does rock / paper / scissors to see who changes the sheets 😛

  5. LadyCallie

    I find placing a hand (or mouth) on your breast and whispering "hurt me" works wonders. Now, you have to be okay with a little ouch, but you could also say "touch me here". I also use "god, I'm soaking" and variations on that.

  6. Sheree

    "Oh, that feels so good” is almost always appropriate, and so is, “Oh yes, tell me more!” And don’t forget, often you don’t have to say anything at all. Heavy breathing, soft moans and sighs of pleasure go a long way all on their own.

    You can never go wrong with: "uh," "ah," "oh," or "mmm.

    Whisper in his ear, “Je vous veux” or I want you. Also, let him know how you're feeling, "I'm getting so wet", "Your touch makes my pussy quiver",
    "I just want you to fuck me until I can't walk anymore", "Oh, God, I want you", "Slip your big dick into my wet pussy and I'd want you to fuck me hard and deep". guarantee, he'll go nuts.

    When I'm really feeling sexy and naughty, I love yelling F****CCCCKKKKK MMMEEEE HARDER!!!! I tell him I want his throbbing, big, hard, dick, inside me. I also love telling him to grab my hips, shoulders or ankles (or other body parts). Squeeze and suck the girls….

    Well, those are just a few of my suggestions. Now I need to go find my toys….

  7. Joe

    I think the hottest thing is when a gal talks about her own girly parts in a nasty way….just say "grab my tits" or anything with pussy in it and you're golden!

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