It’s called The Millionaire Matchmaker and it features Patti Stanger as the matchmaker who fixes up straight and homosexual men and women millionaires with the person of their dreams. I have a wicked girl crush on her because she’s just all sorts of awesome.
She called somebody an “ugly firecrotch bitch” on one of the episodes and then she just shouted “take her away! Get her out of here!” and with a flourish of her arm, she exited the room and the firecrotch bitch was led out by Patti’s assistants, and the whole time I was watching it I was thinking “YES! That’s what I have to do! I’m going to try that!” But before I can simply start having people who annoy me removed from my presence, I’m going to have get that gay entourage full of buff guys going–otherwise I’ll just look like an asshole, standing there shouting “take her away!” when someone cuts me in line at the bank or whatever.
Clearly, Miss Patti doesn’t fuck around. She takes her work very seriously and she doesn’t have time for people and their bullshit, so she cuts right to the chase. She was interviewing this one chick (who looked a little slutty and confused) for a date with one of her millionaires and asked her straight out “are you a hooker?”
How can you not love this woman? You can’t. It is impossible not to love Patti.
But perhaps what I like the most about her is that she believes in old fashioned romance and chivalry. She doesn’t want the people she fixes up to have sex until they’re sure they want to date one another exclusively, so before the date she meets with the guy and says “I don’t want you to put your penis here, or here, or here until you’re ready to date exclusively” and then she points to her mouth, her kitty, and her bum. This is great advice! Had I followed it, I probably wouldn’t have had my heart broken so much in my early dating years. Sex complicates the shit out of things. At least, for me it does. (I never understood how people could separate sex and love because I never could.)
Another thing Patti does is encourage the men to bring flowers for their date. Can I just tell you how flowers make my panties fall off melt my heart? Not that I ever get any, but if I did they would. My husband doesn’t really do that. In fact, in the 14 years we’ve been together, I think I’ve gotten flowers from him approximately 5 times, and that’s because I asked him to do it. However, he did buy me a pair of socks a few weeks ago, and that was okay too because it made me feel pretty special to know he was thinking of me. I smiled at my silly socks all day.
But here’s where some people would say that Patti is setting feminism back about 30 years: She tells the men to open doors, pull out chairs, etc. for their dates. Now, admittedly, I am perfectly capable of opening doors for myself–I’d have to be a total shitshow not to be able to do that, but it’s sooo nice when someone does it for you.
This is another thing my husband does not do, and the few times he has, I’ve certainly noticed it. I think I’ve just stood there, agog, actually and said something like “um. What are you doing?” and then giggled like a little girl. I have to admit that I love going out to eat with some of his more chivalrous friends because they run ahead to open the door for me. It makes me feel all princess-y and special and attractive and taken care of. Plus, it makes my husband look like a pencildick.
Who doesn’t like to feel taken care of whilst their husband looks like a pencildick?
Nobody doesn’t, that’s who.
And this is not a Patti thing, but I also don’t mind when someone calls me “honey” or “sweetheart” or “doll.” I get sort of squishy inside and it makes my day. That’s why I had such a desperate housewife crush on Vinny, the stud at the deli counter. He called me “sweetheart” and it totally made me hot for his hard salami. Plus he’s hot. That helped. Some women would be about two seconds away from blowing their rape whistle if a guy called her “honey,” but I don’t find it demeaning or degrading at all. It’s just flirtation.
Don’t get me wrong, Toy with Mes. I consider myself to be a feminist, but my brand of feminism does not come in the form of rejecting any and all chivalrous attention by taking it as a symbol of chauvinism. I know the guy who just opened the door for me knows I can do it myself. He’s just being polite and kind, so at least for me, chivalry is a wonderful thing and I think we should bring it back. The way I see it, regardless of what motivates the behavior, it’s still caring behavior. Whether a guy opens a door for me because he thinks I have a nice ass, or he’s got a thing for women carrying babies while wearing snot on their sweaters makes no difference to me because it makes me feel good.
So what say you Toy with Mes? Is chivalry an old fashioned, anti-feminist practice rooted in condescension, or do your down-belows tingle when somebody opens a door for you?
And for the men, do you open doors for women and if so, why do you do it?
And if you don’t do it, is it because you’re afraid it would offend the lady, or are you just kind of a dick?