With Enemies Like This, Who Needs Friends?

frenemiesJody was loads prettier than me. Now, you don’t need to do the nice thing, The Internet, and say, “Aunt Becky, that’s not true! You’re WAY prettier than she was” because trust me, I know that I’m an attractive girl. I’m not suffering for an ego and while I might occasionally fish for compliments at home when I say things like, “Would you describe me as ‘hauntingly beautiful’ or ‘achingly beautiful?’” to my husband, The Daver, I’m not doing it here. It’s the truth. Jody was gorgeous. She was also one of my best friends in high school.

My Lesbian Haircut

I wasn’t jealous of her good looks. Maybe it was the Girl Crush in me or maybe it was because I’m just not really prone to jealousy, I don’t know. Understandably, guys really dug her because she also had a wicked fun sense of humor but weirdly she didn’t often have a boyfriend. Always a serial monogamist even then, I went through a dry spell after I mistakenly cut off all of my hair into what was forever known as my Lesbian Haircut. I didn’t give it that name, but apparently, it made every lesbian and bisexual in the area convinced that I was now batting for the other team. During that time when I was getting no peen, I developed a crush on this wanker named Mike that Jody went to school with.

His Balls Were Practically On Her Chin

I confessed this to her sort of shamefully on the phone one night, and she came up with a master plan for the following day. I would sneak out of MY school and come have lunch with her at HER school because they had lunch hour together. She would talk me up to him! It was a stroke of genius. Brilliance. So I did it. I walked into her high school cafeteria, marveling that high school cafeterias all smelled the fucking same no matter where you were and I immediately spotted Jody, right by the lockers where she said she’d be. Thrilled to see my friend, I darted over to her, ready to give her a big hug, and she blew me off. I stepped back, rebuffed and looked to see what she was doing. She’d engaged Mike, all right, she was now flirting so heavily with him that there was going to be no way in hell that he was going to register that I was even in the same solar system. I stood there for a couple of minutes, waiting to see if this was all an elaborate “and wait until you meet my friend Becky who is even awesomer than me!” but no, by the time I walked out of the school, humiliated, she was practically fucking him against the lockers. His balls were practically on her chin.

I Wised The Fuck Up

With Jody, the experience repeated itself again and again like clockwork: I’d tell her that I was digging on some dude and she’d go and throw her hot ass in his path and ruin any chances I ever had with him. Eventually I wised the fuck up and stopped calling her a friend.

I later realized that Jody derived her self-worth on being able to be The Best. She was a queen bee so desperate for male attention that she’d happily throw a friend under the bus just to remind herself that she was better. It wasn’t that she really cared about having the male attention once she got it, just so long as she took it away from you.

Later came Maggie, who clung to me like white on rice. Maggie wasn’t gorgeous like Jody—the term “matronly” comes to mind when I think of how to describe her–and we were never crazy close. She wasn’t a best friend of mine and while we hung out a lot, it was primarily because she managed to show up wherever I happened to be. Almost like she was stalking me or something.

Or maybe it wasn’t me she was stalking. There was that night that I walked in on her in flagrante delicto with my boyfriend, Selden. Remember Selden of the infamous muff-diving incident? Oh yes. That would turn out to be the first black eye that I ever gave. To her, I mean (her head was closest to my fist). Felt good, too.

What A Bitch

Years later, I was at a party when I walked up behind my former best friend and one of her other friends where I caught a snippet of the conversation, “…and oh my GOD is she STILL not working? WOW. She’s SO fucking lazy. What a bitch. I know how mad that must make you to watch her live off him. When is she going to grow the fuck up and live in the real world?” My former best friend frantically signaled to her friend to shut up, but the damage was done. I’d heard it all.

They were talking about me. Insert knife in the back.

My collection of Frenemies. The opposite of my collection of Girl Crushes.

It’s a common enough phrase to have made it into newest edition of the dictionary, the combination of “friend” and “enemy” and at the root of it all is some mixture of jealousy and dislike. In some ways, I suppose, it can be helpful if you’re playing a game of Keeping Up With The Joneses and constantly one-upping each other, because you’re always striving to do better. On the other hand, why bother?

I’ve never been one of those women who hates other women, but after having had such complicated friendships over the years, I can see why women say that it’s hard for women to be friends with each other. I really want to be all, I’ve learned SO MUCH from my experiences with The Frenemies but truly I haven’t, except for maybe, if you don’t trust a chick not to suck your boyfriend’s penis, maybe she shouldn’t be your friend.

So tell me, The Internet, what are your experiences with The Frenemies?



  1. I am so happy to say I got voted off Total Drama Island some years ago, after my very own Jody experience. I’ve never been back and I never intend to.

    Queen Bees are such emotional vampires. It’s always best to stake them and escape quickly while they melt.

    I’m kidding.


  2. YarMatey

    I’ve only got one that sort of fits the bill of frenemy. I was/am a total tomboy, and don’t have many girl friends. Too much drama. It’s a great story. My junior year of college I had a fuck buddy, Jim* He was (IS) a really good friend, but he was amazing in The Bed. His ex gf Cathy* was still absolutely in LOVE with him. They were trying to continue to “be friends” though they had broken up 18 months or so prior to he and I “getting involved.” At first I had no beef with Cathy, and she kept making extra special efforts to befriend me. I tolerated her for a couple of weeks, but saw right through her and eventually just gave her the cold shoulder. I didn’t ever trust her farther than I could throw her. Jim and I weren’t exclusive, but we did have a privacy agreement, and Cathy was all up in the business of finding out if we were sleeping together. Well, because Jim didn’t want to put Cathy out of the social circles (something she was quite capable of doing on her own), and because he was afraid she might do something drastic if threw down, he just let her string along. I tried to tell him she was nuts, and urged him to cut her loose, but he couldn’t let go. She would follow me home in her car, she would show up at his work, my work, outside classes, or out with our friends unannounced, she would invite herself along if he and I made plans. She would cry if he wouldn’t pay enough attention to her. She would throw a hissy if he invited me to social outings. Twice she got his roommates to let her in and waited in his room for him to come home from work (he was a bouncer and we were both DJs and worked nights), but then they put the kibosh on that, because she was a whackaloon and creeped them out, so she would wait in her car out front. Sometimes for HOURS. And if he didn’t come home, she would blow up his phone. She would call his MOTHER in the wee hours if she couldn’t get ahold of him, on the guise of being worried because she couldn’t get ahold of him. If she saw us hanging out together on campus, she would latch on, blowing off class to make sure we didn’t have time together. Needless to say most of our friends grew to dislike her, but Jim continued to try to be her friend. Then Jim got a rude awakening one night when she came to my apartment when he didn’t go to his house after a night out with mutual friends. He’d left his car at home and rode with his roommates, and then come home with me. His roommates said she was sitting on their front porch when they got home at about 2:30am, and got royally pissed when a) he wasn’t with them and b) they magically didn’t know where he was. I lived in a ground level apartment across town, it was 3 am, and we were in my room having a lovely time, when we both heard her voice outside my window. Now, it was totally dark, and I had a roommate (a longtime friend who I loved dearly) so we were being respectfully quiet, and she’s out there unobtrusively going “Jim, if you’re in there, I need to talk to you. Matey, if you’re there, will you please answer me, Jim didn’t come home and I’m just worried about him, and I need to know if you know where he is.” etc. etc. Meanwhile, both of our phones (on silent) are getting call after call. No window pounding, no frantic sobs. It was like a psychopath. A stalker, in other words. Jim freaked the fuck out. Then she was knocking on our door, trying the handle (!) and trying to peer into our living room window. All our lights are off, it’s three AM. My roommate, who had heard all my tales of Cathy, had seen her in action and didn’t like her either, quietly knocked on my door, and asked if I wanted her to call the cops. We conferred and decided no, we’d just ignore her and the next day we’d pretend we’d had no idea she was out there. My roommate and I would go out the front together to go to our classes, and if she was out there we’d distract her so Jim could slip away out the back. When my roommate confirmed for Jim that she frequently saw Cathy “staking out” our apartment, he freaked out again. Needless to say, after that he didn’t want to be around her, but wouldn’t tell her why. He was scared of being alone with her, having realized the full magnitude of her crazyness. I am a very laid back person, and had taken the attitude of “she’s your problem, not mine” which is probably why I went so long before intervening, but I finally had enough one night a few weeks later when she tried to physically drag his extremely drunk ass out of my car as I was trying to DD him home, hysterically screaming that SHE would make sure he got home and trying to tell him in a not-so-stage-whisper that she didn’t want him to go home with ME. He was telling her no, go away, nunya business, etc, but was slurring and lolling, and not making much impact. I had finally snapped and was telling her to f*ck off, go the f*ck home, leave us the f*ck alone, b*itch, stalker, etc, all the while trying to back out of the parking space. She was grabbing his shirt, his arm, pulling him to keep me from roaring away, and he’s drunkenly pushing her away. When she tried to open the car door and found it locked, she reached in through the window and tried to unlock my car. I, as a tomboy, am very possessive of my car and was already furious, so I was out in a flash, around the car, and before she had found the door lock or handle on the inside, I had her pinned by the throat to the wall of the bar. It was the one and only confrontation between she and I, and one was all it took. No one was injured, but I made my point very clear. I had 5 inches and 75 pounds of muscle on her, so the suggestions of what I would do to her if she didn’t knock the shit off RIGHT F*CKING NOW were enough to convince her that I was not the one with whom to f*ck. (PS, I was friends with the bar owner and he saw pretty much the whole thing, and told me even HE would’ve pissed himself if I’d lost my shit on him like that) After that she never wanted to come near me, and our friends were glad to be shut of her. She made some attempts at trying to keep up the “friendship” with Jim, but he was no longer interested in reciprocating. And the ferocity with which I reacted to her only made things hotter in The Bed for Jim and I. So, he changed his phone number and blocked her emails, and that was that. Now, six years later, we pretty much don’t even acknowledge she existed.

    The moral of the story? Bitches be crazy.

    *Names changed, natch.

  3. Just wanted to put in my input (lol).

    I have a girl who was doing that to me! She is a total ho, just so that she can feel better about herself. And one day, I was trying to win my ex-boyfriend back, and she KNEW that, and instead of helping me, she asked him if he thought she was hot, and then continued to curl around him, grab him around his waist, rub his back, and run her hands all over his chest while he was *sitting on her lap*.

    Well, you gotta think, the guy must be a douche, right?

    He was. That’s why I dumped him after all. HA-HA-HA!

    And, as for the girl? I don’t talk to her anymore. I dissed her. Fuck that shit.

    I talked to her a while ago and she tried to steal my boyfriend that I have now, too. What a C-U-Next-Tuesday.

  4. Toy With Me

    Phew, now that’s a load off. Take that all you beyatch frenemies out there, ya, you know who you are. Ok, onto the winner. I was compelled to pick someone who had worked their sweet little ass off and got shafted in the end. That’s just not cool!

    So I’m sending a basket full of lube to “Aurora” Congrats girl!!
    Also a huge shout out to Astroglide for this fabulous prize 🙂

    Aurora please DM or email me with your shipping info, thanks.

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