Fuck Buddies & Booty Calls

ID-10044772Can I ask you something, Toy with Mes?

How common is it to have a one night stand?

I ask because I’ve never actually had one in the traditional sense where you 1) go out to a bar, 2) pick up a guy, 3) fuck him, and then 4) never see him again.

Never.

Of course, I’m speaking about the past here, because I’m an old married lady now, but even in my wild, swingin’ single days before I met my pimp, I just didn’t have what I call “casual sex” because I have never been able to separate sex and love. I’m not the kind of lady who wakes up and says “Damn, I need to get me some. My vagina is HONGRY! I’m hittin’ the bars tonight, honey!”

Oh my god, I would never (clutches her pearls, gasps in horror at the thought)!

You must know it’s not that I’m a big ol’ Prudence McPrude or anything like that–this is Crissy you’re talking to here, don’t forget. I’m not judging all-a-y’all who have no trouble goin’ out and gettin’ some. The fact is, I’ve never been able to do it. I guess I need to feel like there’s some sort of future in the relationship before I give up the punani.

I have had sex on the first date, but that’s because I really liked the boy and I wanted him to love me. That’s how you get boys to love you, right? Give them Sexy Time right away on the first date?

What, and it’s not?

Well that’s what I thought when I was just a young little dating Crissy and of course, it almost always blew up in my face (ha!) when the guy either 1) never called me again, or 2) I’d wind up being a booty call (back in the days before we had a cute name for it) which of course I mistook as a sign that the boy really liked me since he kept calling. I guess I was kinda like a “one night stand” in the first case, but the difference is that I didn’t intend to be. I didn’t set off with that destination in mind, nor did I start off the night single. I thought I had a boyfriend.

I’m embarrassed at how naive I was in my young dating years. If I’d had a clue, it would have saved me a lot of pain and confusion and my Asshole Guy Detector would have been a little better at detecting creeps instead of falsely leading me to believe that I had just met My One True Soul Mate.

Stupid broken useless detector. Now that I’m married, I can spot an Asshole Guy from miles away.

And what’s with booty calls anyway? How can you repeatedly be fucking someone and not have feelings for them? How can you not develop feelings for them? Even if you didn’t start off emotionally attached, it seems to me that it’s human nature to start drifting that way. Is that why these booty calls sometimes end badly? When I was unknowingly a “callee” I sure as hell had feelings for my gentleman friends. They just didn’t give a rat’s ass about me or my poor little tender Crissy heart.

The fuckbuddy, in my mind, is another term for the booty call. Both entail an on-demand, mutually agreed-upon, no strings attached (aka “NSA,” as my research has revealed) physical relationship. No dates, no cuddling, no drama–get in, get out, see you later. Unlike the one night stand, a repeat encounter is likely, at least as long as everyone gets their jollies and is pleased with the performance. (BTW, the term “one night stand” was originally used in the context of a theatrical production that was only to be performed a single time.)

Some of my friends (admittedly all guys) are frequent, unabashed partakers of prostitutes and I gotta tell you: I have trouble wrapping my head around that too.  It’s such an intimate act, and they sort of equate it to a visit to the dentist. Or the plumber, to “clean out the pipes.” From what I pick up, in their worlds, sex is just a physical need and once it’s satisfied, that’s the end of it. All visceral. All bodily. Neither mental nor spiritual nor emotional.

I have nothing against prostitutes; I believe that criminalizing prostitution is a mistake. I mean, it’s just a series of one night stands/booty calls but you end up with a fat roll of twenties. That’s actually pretty cool, and at least your heart doesn’t get broken in the process. The terms are pretty clear up front. I can see how THEY can detach and not develop romantic feelings–they’re pros. This is work. Gotta pay the bills, you know how it is.

But the Johns?

What about if they’ve developed a penchant for a particular prostitute (Hello! Pretty Woman!)? I’m sure that not all Ladies of the Evening are created equal, so what happens if they’re sporting a massive boner and it’s their favorite girl’s night off? Will they be disappointed? Will they pick a different prostitute? Will they fly solo for the night? Are prostitute visitors loyal customers?

Is it like how chicks are with their hairdressers?

Loyalty and jealousy must be factors in the booty call too. Say you’re some kind of player, with the cell phone contact list chock full of potential and willing candidates. You undoubtedly have favorites there, too. Some fucks are ALWAYS gonna be hotter than others, right? If your #1 is busy, perhaps with another fuck buddy, do you feel jealous? So then you end up calling #2 on the list. Is that like cheating on #1? Do you tell #1, in the hopes of making THEM jealous? Do booty callers and callees EVER get jealous, or is that verboten in the rulebook?

Finally there’s the “Friend With Benefits.” Is this person REALLY a friend? Like, you see them and you DON’T have your hands in their pants within 30 seconds, and you chat on the phone, and you know each other? Is it just another term for a booty call/fuckbuddy, or are there subtle differences?

I know you savvy Toy with Mes can help me understand the ins and outs of casual sex. So, go! Educate Crissy in the space provided below.

Photo by photostock.

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0 comments

  1. lauren

    how annoying what you cant commit so you have to resort to having a fuck buddy??? thats disgusting i cant believe that people think its ok to have fuck buddies.. You wont think its cute when you get a diease that you cant get rid of and dont even be like well condoms cause condoms arent a 100 percent. you all need to grow up and get over yourself . How many other fuck buddies is your "fuck buddy" fucking??? not just you …. you cant be so stupid ..well anyway it aint cute to think like this and it doesnt make you cute so grow and stop acting like a fucking bunch of animals k??? If your single for a little bit does not give you the right to have a fuck buddy just wait it out and hopefully you will find the right person…..no wonder why the STD rate is so high cause you idiots

  2. when I was younger, I had my fair share of one night stands. some were totally hot! and totally inappropriate. but that's what was awesome. I could have sex with someone I would never consider a relationship with.

    I've grown out of that though. I now need intimacy and connection with my sex. maybe it's called growing up.

  3. heatmiser

    Big fan of the fuck and runs. Easy, no mess, no fuss screwing isn't for everyone, but it works for me. Friends joke that I have a man trapped in my body… but honestly, relationships just aren't my cup of tea. But getting mine is!!! If I was to consult my little black book of naughty deeds, over 75% would be one night stands, with a hand full of repeat and a smaller handful of long term relationships. And lets just say there are many entries.

  4. Mori

    I've never done a one night stand. I've got a couple friends that are occasionally with benefits – they're friends (one is an ex, the others aren't), most of the time we hang out and do…well, friend things. Occasionally we get naked. In all of their cases, they're guys I care about, but don't want to date/spend life together romantically. Sex is as much about comfort and caring and enjoying eachother's company as it is anything else. No strings beyond friendship.
    The times I've done something akin to a booty call, it was much less successful. One of them was a threesome with one of the FWBs, the other was the same guy, but not with the friend. Both times, it just didn't do it for me. I need that emotional spark, sense that the person I'm with cares about me in order to actually enjoy the sexings.

  5. I used to have one night stands of the pick 'em and fuck 'em type but obviously now I'm old and sensible so don't do this anymore!! I do however have a fuck buddy that I get on really well with as a friend and who I fancy the pants off (quite literally) but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him!!!

  6. I've spoken about this sort of thing with the 'older generation' (Baby boomers?) who have spoken about how dating has changed. Back in the day I get the sense that people used to play the field more. Because they didn't have sex so early there was less stigma about spreading the love around. I don't know about 'kids these days' but when I was dating, a single good date and you were considered to be 'going steady'.

    I think that the tendency towards fuck buddies, booty calls, polyamory, and whatever else is a reaction to this change in dynamic. You don't always want to get boxed into a specific type of relationship and some people react more strongly against 'societal pressure' than others. Even when first dating my wife I never considered myself as have a 'standard relationship' though from the outside I'm sure it looked that way. There is this imagined ideal of courtship with flowers, dinner and a movie where you get to know each other during defined date periods. The reality is often so much more complicated.

    • ken

      i think part of the fear of commitment comes from a misguided idea that romantic relationships are easy and should just "work," when in reality they are only what you put into them.

      as a result we have epic divorce etc, and NO PROOF that anyone is happier than when we had arranged marriages. in fact, some research suggest the exact opposite.

      • From a guy's perspective, it comes down to your ability to negotiate yourself a hot wife. If you do a bad job then you only have yourself to blame. On the other hand, I'd rather negotiate with a hot woman than with her dad.

  7. I forgot to add that the One Nighter called me after the One Night. I couldn't see him anymore and told him so (I was seeing someone who decided he didn't want an open relationship). Then, the One Nighter would come to the restaurant where I waited tables (I don't think he knew I worked there until we bumped into each other) and I would have to wait on him and pretend I had never met him before. Gah! So horrible!

  8. I had a One Nighter, once. It was less than amazing. He fell asleep before the deed had been done on my end…if ya know what I'm saying. I had a Friend With Benefits once, too. But only because my (now ex) girlfriend wouldn't put out so I went back to the other side and got busy with a friend I worked with(she knew. She agreed to an open relationship, since she wasn't interested). It was good while it lasted (a couple months). I have to admit that I was hurt when he dumped my ass for another lady we worked with. The good thing is that it was a spring board for me to leave my (essentially) celibate long term relationship.

  9. BKC

    One-night stands? Ugh, I don't get the appeal. Maybe I just suck at sex (ha! see, it's a pun and a joke!) but the first time with someone isn't ever as good as the next time, or the time after that. There's a level of comfort with the person that makes the sex better. Also, scuzzy, ew. I'd rather spend money on naughty toys or even chocolate than STI checks.

    I'm in a three year FWB situation that's working out quite nicely. We fell in love and it crashed and burned…hard; the sex was too good to give up though. Now we meet up once or twice a month and just compartmentalize like hell in between.

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