Get Off and Take Off: How to Sneak Sex Toys Past the TSA

A story behind this week's Naugh-Tee:  This shirt ended a relationship (term used loosely, standby). I went ice climbing with a group of friends and guy I was dating back in 2007. I had this tank in a tee at the time and wore it to a big dinner one night at the Ouray Ice Festival. When I took off my coat, my date says,

A story behind this week’s Naugh-Tee: This shirt ended a relationship (term used loosely, standby). I went ice climbing with a group of friends and guy I was dating back in 2007. I had this tank in a tee at the time and wore it to a big dinner one night at the Ouray Ice Festival. When I took off my coat, my date says, “Why you gotta advertise?” And I’m like, umm…it’s a t-shirt and last I checked, you weren’t complaining about the Mouth Hugs. Anywhoo, he was bent six ways till Sunday and we ultimately broke up. But that’s OK since HE FORGOT TO TELL ME HE WAS FUCKING MARRIED! *WHOOPSIE!*

The stories aren’t uncommon: an airport luggage search that yields a…well…one of those. Mine was a day back in 1999 on a trip to Guam from Japan. A military wife at the time, I usually avoided most of the “additional search” rigamarole but I guess they had my number that day at Narita Airport in Tokyo. The look on my face as this slight Japanese man held my Eager Beaver in his latex-clad hands was nothing short of mortified. In a country where owning a firearm is illegal, I’m confident that my possession of the Eager Beaver was nothing short of a national security threat. Then again, this was a country with vend-o-porn and love hotels. Perhaps that’s why Slight Man in Latex Gloves gently put it back in my luggage and waved me onward.

I never told my then-husband about the incident. Or about my tendency to be a bit hard on The Beav while he was deployed.

Now that we live in a day and age where you have two shitty choices when you travel:

Leave shit you need at home (sex toys, shampoo, hair mousse, shaving cream) and fly with a carry-on bag only


Check a bag and take it all with you at the risk of never seeing it again.

Fuck that. Travel with The Redhead. I pack light and I’ll make sure you never have an embarrassing (or unwanted) body cavity search from the Friendly TSA folk. Now, ToyWithMe visited the issue of sex toys and travel back in June, but not with The Redhead twist.

There are two things always in my carry-on luggage:

An Oral B Battery-Powered Pulsar Toothbrush and a Neutrogena Wave.

The toothbrush is, without a doubt, the most inexpensive little basket of sexual goodness I’ve ever experienced. It’s never in question going through airport security and operates like a champ. I’m not talking bristle-side down, if you’re wondering. Flip that puppy over to the flat side behind the bristles. Yes. Yessssss, preeeeecious.

And the Wave. Brilliant. Neutrogena has long been a favorite of mine as a manufacturer of pseudo-sex toys. I’ve had it years and it’s outlived many of it’s purpose-driven accomplices. Really, Neutrogena: what were you thinking? Two speeds. An ample, well-proportioned vibrating surface. Easy-to-clean exterior. I’m thinking you made a vibrator and called it a facial cleansing tool.

Just like you did with the Wave. Purse and carry-on friendly, the Wave will fit anywhere and go anywhere you go. Now, the flat surface of the Wave is covered with Velcro (ummm…NOT comfy), so you’re going to want to cover that with something…like one of the super soft cleansing pads. Or a sock if you’re in Chicago and forgot cleansing pads. Just sayin’.

Forget the “body massagers.” Forget going without because the trip is “only three days.” If your family is anything like mine, you’re going to need a little “happy ending” when you close the doors this holiday season and climb into that twin bed in your old room. I don’t know what led me to explore any of these things, but hey – I masturbate with toothbrushes and you can, too. Kinda makes you look at that Orbit gum chick in a whole new way. Clean! (ding) Awwyeah.

I don’t know what brought that to mind, either. Come to think of it. I’ve met many-a-dude who would bend the Orbit Gum chick over the closest available whatever and do his own drilling. Right. OK. Stopping now. Let’s move on to this week’s contest:

You guys really loved the fact that I’d love to have a mouth full of Joanie Pie. (Note to self: more girl-on-girl action in Dear Redhead.) Thanks for all of the comments on your never-to-be-had movie and TV crushes – we’ll be announcing the winner of the OhMiBod vibe at 5pm EST today!

For this week’s contest, riddle The Redhead this: What’s your naughtiest apparel incident? It can be something as innocent as this week’s Naugh-Tee story or something more tawdry. Do tell! Whisper sweet nothings into The Redhead’s ear…I’m a voyeur by nature and love to eavesdrop. While you’re whispering, you can whisper me a happy birthday (it’s today!). OMFG. LOL. The Sweater Kittens and I thank you in advance and will be delighted to line up for our spanking!

Leave your answer in the comments section below and the Holy Fucking Trinity (@DearRedhead @ToyWithMe and @Mr_Puck) will announce the winner next Thursday, December 17 at 5pm EST!

And now…this week’s Dear Redhead question:

Dear Redhead~

Why is it OK for girls to have sex toys but not guys? I feel as if a girl finds out I have a Fleshlight or a cockring, she’ll think I’m a freak but her stash of vibrators is AOK? Help a guy out here.

Double Standard

Dear Double Standard~

You’re completely right and it’s completely wrong! Why is it that girls can keep a toy chest and men seem only entitled to their own chest? It’s bullshit, through and through. There are a ton of fun toys for guys out there. The Fleshlight, Lelo Bo cockring, bondage accessories and anything you might like to use with a partner. Guys like gadgets! Holy shit. With the whole ‘teledildonics’ thing coming onto the scene, men actually have cooler options than women do for…er…going solo.

I’m wondering if you’re more weirded out by telling your girl that you think toys are cool or by the fact that you have them. I’ll address it in three bold strokes (heh) and hope that maybe I can answer the unasked part of your question:

1) There is intimacy. And then there is fucking. You can use toys with both, but when it comes to intimacy, you’re not going to whip out the keys to your Secret Stash from square one. Intimacy takes time. Fucking, on the other hand…well, you may as well wear the keys to that drawer around you neck when you’re out trolling for girl scouts.

2) All great sex play involves communication. If you can’t talk to your girl about what you like and want…why is she your girl? As I said, intimacy takes time to develop, but don’t you want to be on a path of developing a meaningful relationship with someone who feeds your kink instead of squashes it?

3) Some toys isolate. Others bring you closer. If you’ve never used a sex toy with a woman, it provides a really intimate opportunity for a guy to see how their girl gets off. We masturbate just like you. And just like you, we know how to take surface streets or the highway to get where we want to go. There’s no shame in going solo or sharing. If you let them, sex toys can help you discover things you didn’t even know about your own sexual preferences. Those discoveries lead to better sex. Period.

Bottom line: build your toy chest to suit your preferences. Build relationships that support healthy lines of communication, both inside and out of the bedroom. Screw the societal stigma that says it’s OK for girls to have toys but not boys.

Guys. Dig. Gadgets.


  1. SkyddsDrake

    *SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!* OMIGODSICAN’TWAITTOTRYIT! I can just imagine the fun hubby is going to have hooking that up to his 4G playlist complete with everything from hard rock to polka. =P Thankyouthankyouthankyou!

  2. Toy With Me

    It’s that time again – yes, Toy With Mes – Winner Time!

    Dear Redhead, Mr. ToyWithMe and I want to congratulate….
    SkyddsDrake on her new ohmibod vibe.

    Meooowww – We could not resist her purrrfect ensemble worn to met her hubby’s co-workers.

    Enjoy your new toy!!

  3. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh……. I forgot about this one…. my junior year of college, my first halloween officially dating my now-husband, I wore a super hot, slinky catsuit to a halloween party. Well, it was cold, so I drank fast and got fairly drunk and was in the “sleepy” stage of drunk before you reach the hyper stage… So I stretched and as I popped my back, my boob popped out the side of the catsuit. Right in front of one of my boyfriend’s least favorite people. …. It took a LONG time to live that down…

  4. D.G.

    No apparel incidents to speak of here. Though I am reminded of my first trip to Europe. I was 18 and promised to bring a Cuban cigar back for a friend who just thought that would be “neat”. It was probably too expensive, neither of us were cigar aficionados, and it carried a bit more than the simple International smuggling risk.

    Am I the only one who was unaware that single, pricey cigars are vended in their own 8-inch, aluminum, cylindrical tube, rounded at one end? Consider it a smoke with a dildo thrown in for free! Here I am certain not that I’m going to simply get nabbed for violating some Castro-punishing embargo. No. I am certain instead that the metal in my suitcase will set off alarms. The then revealed silver penis in the suitcase of this 18 year-old, long-haired guy will evoke derision. And then and only then will the nicotine torpedo be discovered. We’re talking death by embarrassment, then legal trouble.

    It wasn’t until years later that I discovered the solution I only wish I’d known back then. Some six years ago I went on a single date with this girl I’d been following like a lost puppy for weeks. It was perhaps a humanitarian act that she finally caved in for a date. But more importantly she taught me a life skill, How to Smuggle Pornography Into Japan.

    My understanding is that the Japanese, while they are fine selling soiled panties in vending machines, are all uptight about pubic hair. And so this has turned much pornography into contraband. Why this girl was so keen on getting bushy porn into Japan I never learned. But the key, she claimed, of How to Smuggle Pornography Into Japan, was… drumroll… tampons!

    So here, she explained, was the trick. Place the curly-haired pube porn deep in the suitcase. Then, regardless of whatever retentive nature you might have, muss up all the clothes covering the curlicued contraband. You are now presenting yourself as a complete mess to the Japanese customs folk. In my date’s deep sociological wisdom she judged these people be the well-groomed, neat and tidy types. Then open a brand new box of tampons and upend it into your luggage. Toss them around a bit. You’re a messy, messy person and you keep these things jumbled in all of your belongings. This, she proclaimed, was the trick. As much as the Japanese authorities disdain the short hairs, they are so much more disturbed by the contemplation of anything related to menstruation. Viola, your copy of Natural Muffs is safely stashed where no Japanese customs agent is willing to prod.

    Something in this rings true. In the 1980’s friends of the family were working in Saudi Arabia. The wife had been stopped in customs by a young man with a large automatic weapon slung over his shoulder. In a language she did not understand he made demanding noises and gestured quizzically at her hygiene products in her open bag. Not a bit shy, she concocted an elaborate pantomime that, by the pallid look that overtook the young gent, educated him well on monthly cycles and Western customs for dealing therewith. My understanding is that the luggage was then treated like an icky bug, touched sparingly and then only to get it out of sight.

    Well, who knows if the travel advice is true. And in the post-9/11 world I can’t even pass that trick off as good advice. And anyway, I wasn’t in Japan. And I was smuggling a stogie, not pics of coochie-fro. And really, if the cigar-dildo was going to embarrass me so, how was I going to countenance the convenience store clerk to purchase a box of Tampax? And how to steel myself to look deadpan at the customs agent upon their discovery as if to say, “You got it pal, I’m a messy bitch”?

    And so I am left to ponder, since a women’s jittering razor and electric toothbrush will likely not be the right companion for a traveling fellow, how best to disguise the life-sized, disembodied, desk-top, rump modeled after the real anatomy of Tera Patrick when I go on my next business flight. My naughty smuggling ideas are all far too naive for this venture.

  5. Dear Redhead

    @Skydds – OMG, you had me at “fist pump.” I’m on the floor.

    @Curiously – Good. God. Almighty. That’s one happy skirt :)

    @Kinky Jew – I’m trying to figure out why the dude even argued. Ditch it. Buy more. Works with hairspray, works with lube :)

  6. KinkyJew

    Ok, this wasn’t MY experience, but the hubs and I were standing on line to go through security on a flight to Israel. So… you already known that a cavity search is NOT out of the question. Anyway, the dude right in front of us gets his bag pulled from the x-ray machine. They tell him he must have a liquid in there that’s over 3 oz. Ok, so they pull it out, and it is a GIANT FUCKING TUBE OF KY. The poor TSA agent is trying SO hard not to laugh, because this is a matter of national security.

    So the TSA agent says, “Sir, this is over 3 oz.” The man replies, “Yes, but it’s for medical purposes.”
    “Ok” *snicker* “What medical purposes?”
    “It’s… er…. ahem…. for my wife.”
    “Sir, what medical purposes?” *giggle*
    Finally, the guy had to toss the KY, and while everyone in line was trying very hard not to laugh, I doubt anyone will forget watching that HUGE tube of KY be pulled out of his bag.

    Oh, and Dear Double Standard – you can bring your cock ring over to this place ANYTIME, kid. No judgments. 😉

  7. What’s your naughtiest apparel incident?

    Ah yes. First time I fucked the Pilot. He was walking me back to my car from the hotel with the fabulous view of the San Francisco Bay at 2 AM (he was so romantic in the beginning) and a train came right down the road we were walking on. We stopped, it stopped, and I needed to get to the other side of the street, but here was half a mile of train in front of us. He lifted me up over his shoulder and carried me over the train couplings. I was wearing a short skirt and my panties were wadded up in my purse, not on me, so I probably flashed a bunch of homeless guys.

    He tried the toothbrush trick on me a month later in Vegas when I wasn’t getting off the bed fast enough to head out for dinner one night. I still need to get that skirt cleaned. It has toothpaste splattered on it.

    *sigh* I miss those days.

  8. SkyddsDrake

    @DearRedhead A few (very proper, southern boys) didn’t know what to do with me. I was nice, and smiled and tried to get them to chat, but they were pretty shy. One guy thought it was great fun. Luckily I have a very understanding hubby, so he didn’t mind when I insisted that we leave the drab bar we stopped at first to go find a bar with a more happening view of the female persuasion. (I believe the words out of my mouth at that point were, “F#ck this place. Let’s go find some titties.” ) His friend literally fist pumped the air and screamed, “YES!”

    Personally, I hardly remember the co-workers. I was way too hooked on my hubby… I kept catching his eye and smiling… and driving from bar to bar (he was the sober cab that night), I kept grabbing his hand and putting his fingers in my mouth to suck on them… He didn’t know what to do with me, but he made up for it when we got home. Literally… the moment we got home… we almost made it to the couch in the living room. =P

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