Girl On Girl Action Isn’t For Me

ID-10088514You know how some ladies are always talking about how they have a “girl crush” on this person or saying how “if I could, I’d totally do so and so?”

Well, not me, Toy with Mes.

In fact, I think a lot of times when people say that, they’re just saying it to say it, you know what I’m saying?  Like, if faced with real lezbo action, would they go for it or freak out and run away?

I have never had a girl crush to speak of, except for this one time I kinda liked a woman named Laura.  We worked together over at the liberry and she made me feel a little tongue tied and goofy whenever I was around her because she was so hip and pretty and tall and blond and she was an artist (swoon).  She asked me to go Salsa dancing with her, and I agreed to go, but I was secretly terrified because I’ve never been before and I didn’t even know what to wear Salsa dancing. I couldn’t ask her because I didn’t want to look like a Jackass Who Knows Nothing About Salsa Dancing and make her not like me anymore.

The news of my girl crush made my husband positively giddy.

Clearly though, I was in way over my head with this Salsa dancing girl crush business because

A: I’m socially awkward as ass. It’s painful, really. I don’t go out much. In fact, I don’t really like people.
B: I am fantastic dancer and it’s intimidating for everyone else.
C: Salsa dancing starts at 11:00 pm (!!!) and I go to bed at 8.
D: There was a chance I might hump her leg had I imbibed enough drinks, which as we all know is very likely to happen. The drinks, I mean. There was only a slight chance of leg humping, except in my husband’s dreams.

So, I pussied out and I never called her because that’s how a total dork would handle the situation, so that’s what I did.  I spent a lot of time trying to figure out a way to get out of our “date,” you know, had I found the balls to call her and agree to go in the first place.

I thought I might somehow manage to become de-invited.

Maybe I’d agree to meet her there and show up in this amazing outfit:

And then run toward her yelling “Laura! Hey! It’s me! Hai-ii!” and then trip over the dress, twist my ankle, fall on my face and become injured with a fat lip and a broken ankle, hopefully a compound fracture, thereby leaving me unable to dance and forcing me to sit at the bar to nurse my injuries with $10 each vodka drinks.  But that wouldn’t have worked because the drinks would only increase the likelihood of the leg humping, broken ankle be damned.

Needless to say, I never worked up the courage to go Salsa dancing with Laura, and that, my Toy with Me friends, was my closest brush with a girl crush/lezzie action.  Oh, and there’s the time I kissed my friend Susan so that stupid drunken college boys would buy us drinks, but that doesn’t count because there was no real lezbee desire behind it–just the desire for another free Amstel Light.

It’s not that I don’t find women attractive either because  I totally do!  I appreciate the beauty and the hotness and the specialness of the female form just as much as anybody.  In fact, there are many of them I think are really quite something,  like I think Anna Paquin from True Blood is totally hot, as is Deborah Ann Woll also from True Blood. She’s my total favorite right now and she kind of makes me drool a little bit, truth be told.  And there are others, but I’m obsessed with True Blood right now, so those are the best examples of lusciousness I have for you right now.

But as much as I think these chicks are infinitely fuckable, I do not want to fuck them.  The news of this makes my husband weep bitter tears because he’s been hoping for a threesome with Anna for a really, really long time now.  Or Deborah.  Or anyone, really.

My non-lesbian status is also a huge disappointment to my mother, who when not listening to inappropriately detailed stories about my brother’s girlfriend’s crotch rot,  would pretty much give anything to have a lesbian daughter.  It would have made her so, so, so proud. In fact, during my young dating years, she would listen to my tales of woe when boys were a horrible disappointment and she was known to say things like “are you sure you wouldn’t rather have a girlfriend?  Why don’t you at least try it?”

I’m sorry, mom.  The closest I ever got was dating a couple of gay guys.

I guess I just like dicks way too much!  Sorry!  And even then, I don’t like too much dick unless I’m ovulating and then it’s game. fucking. ON!  (But only if I’m not too tired.)

All this said though, if I did have a little lez in me, I’d probably be the type to go for someone a little more diesel, like a Jillian Michaels or Jo from Facts of Life.  I don’t think I’d be able to get into a girl as girly as me because I have to be the prettiest princess or else I’m not happy.

So yes.  That’s my story about how gay I am not.

How gay/not gay are you Toy with Mes?  Have you ever had a gay encounter but normally you’re not gay?  Have you ever started to have one and then changed your mind at the last minute?

Photo by sattva.

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74 comments

  1. Rook

    Oh my GOD I AM SO THE SAME WAY when it comes to getting into it with girls who are as girly as I am. When I actually was dating a girl when I was in high school, part of me though "Goddamn this girl is hot!" and the other part of me thought "Sometimes I just want to shave a chunk of her hair off so we don't have to compete for "Cutest Girl in the Couple." "

    You know?

    Also I totally could never do the "I'm totally doing this to get a guy's rocks off." Fortunately for me, my boyfriend has a severe jealousy complex and is pretty anti "girl-on-my-girlfriend." So I lucked out there.

  2. i too would have to be the prettiest girl in the (bed)room. i'd also like a chick who's powerful and in control. successful and confident. i'm thinking maybe an ellen degeneres or hillary clinton. take me like a man!

    chrissy, you crack my ass. hard. keep it coming, love.

  3. Crissy,

    I think you are hilariously funny! I've been reading you (both here and at QOFE) for over a year.

    Initially, I was (more than) a little jealous of your frisky sex life. I love reading your posts and feel like a stalker some mornings, waiting for you to post. I have an 8.5 month old son and I am only recently regaining my pre-pregnant brain (it turns out it is harder to regain than a pre-pregnant body- who knew?!) let alone my pre-pregnant sex life. More often than not, I just want to flop in to bed and into a coma for a couple hours before the little one wakes, rather than get frisky.

    I appreciate your honesty and humor about the time and energy it takes to maintain a family, sex life, relationship and job. I definitely feel more like a real person when I am able to see that you are experiencing (or have experienced) what I'm experiencing as a new mom.

    In addition, Ken's support and admiration for you is inspiring and so lovely. I have to TELL my husband to read my blog, when I used to blog. I have a suspicion that the brain leaves with the placenta or through breast milk or something. (I have yet to regain a blogging schedule since having my son).

    I feel I can safely speak for many, many women (and men) when I beg you to continue to blog honestly. You are a riot and speak for many of us, I'm sure of it.

    ps. I've had some girl-on-girl action and it was okay. I prefer an outie. I can appreciate a hot woman too. And my husband is either bored by it, jealous or a good faker because he doesn't seem phased by it at all. weirdo.

    • Thanks for sharing your personal views on reading Crissy's articles. Exposing yourself (no pun intended, ok, maybe a little) as Crissy and Becky do within their posts is a difficult challenge and to hear feed back such as yours I would assume is very encouraging. We appreciate you adding your thoughts.

      "I prefer an outie." I love this line!

  4. Dylan

    On a slightly different, but totally related note… As a gay guy, who is more than comfortable with his sexuality, I will admit to have straight-crushes. In fact, I have many. Which is why people often question my "gayness" but I can assure you, there is no doubt about which way I swing, unless its these girls…

    – Drew Barrymore
    – Anna Paquin (I too am obsessed with Trueblood)
    – Emma Stone (If not for her looks, than her humour)

    Anyway, I wouldn't every bang these girls til the cows came home… well actually, I say I wouldn't but that's probably largely due to the fact, I'm in Australia and they're in America, and they are famous and I am not.

    But really, girls are gorgeous and sexy and fun to be around, and I do enjoy admiring them, but at the end of the day, I'd beat those three girls down to get a piece of man-sausage. For reals. I love the penis.

    • "I'd beat those three girls down to get a piece of man-sausage."

      I love a man who knows what he wants 🙂
      P.S. I would totally switch teams for the night if Drew Barrymore was involved 😛

    • It's important to make sure you never enter into anything you're not comfortable with in hopes of pleasing a partner. In doing so you open the door to resentment. I like your perspective.

  5. OMFreakinLord…..you are hilarious…..I just found your site and I'm now off to stalk some more of your posts. I'm not exactly into Girl on Girl, (as much as my husband would love it), but I do admire a hot woman!

  6. Wicked Shawn

    Women are good kissers…….when I have had several cosmos. What? Huh? *looks around* Did you say that Dark Touch?

    Crissy, Becky and TWM- Regardless of anything one might read from a first time commenter, I look forward to the posts here, tongue in cheek, witty writing which also requires the writers to reveal parts of themselves. Not an easy task. And in case it went unnoticed, the tagline does read Sex, snark, hilarity. Not We love every sex act we can think up!

  7. Anna – I believe in open, honest and respectful discussion. Therefore I have never deleted a comment on TWM yet and am proud to keep the track record running. Initially I was disappointed in your comment but now pleased to see you at least came back for a response and followed up with an apology. Thanks for taking the time to follow up on your original remark.

    Juli – Thanks for the support.

    DarkTouch – If you're not to tied up 😉 a submission from you would happily be welcome 😉

    Ken – I admire you for defending Crissy. You are both incredible people.

    • Anna

      I'm really sorry to have sounded like I did. I think when some of our fears are exposed, we tend to attack the messenger, and I unfortunately did so with Crissy. Crissy that made me laugh a lot in so many posts. The day after I wrote the post, I read the comments, and I read my own words again, and I could not believe I did it. Thank you all for your support and for all the answers.

      • How true that personal fears put people on the defense. I am so glad that you have continued to participate in this discussion and hope you will return to comment on future posts.

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