You know how some ladies are always talking about how they have a “girl crush” on this person or saying how “if I could, I’d totally do so and so?”
Well, not me, Toy with Mes.
In fact, I think a lot of times when people say that, they’re just saying it to say it, you know what I’m saying? Like, if faced with real lezbo action, would they go for it or freak out and run away?
I have never had a girl crush to speak of, except for this one time I kinda liked a woman named Laura. We worked together over at the liberry and she made me feel a little tongue tied and goofy whenever I was around her because she was so hip and pretty and tall and blond and she was an artist (swoon). She asked me to go Salsa dancing with her, and I agreed to go, but I was secretly terrified because I’ve never been before and I didn’t even know what to wear Salsa dancing. I couldn’t ask her because I didn’t want to look like a Jackass Who Knows Nothing About Salsa Dancing and make her not like me anymore.
The news of my girl crush made my husband positively giddy.
Clearly though, I was in way over my head with this Salsa dancing girl crush business because
A: I’m socially awkward as ass. It’s painful, really. I don’t go out much. In fact, I don’t really like people.
B: I am fantastic dancer and it’s intimidating for everyone else.
C: Salsa dancing starts at 11:00 pm (!!!) and I go to bed at 8.
D: There was a chance I might hump her leg had I imbibed enough drinks, which as we all know is very likely to happen. The drinks, I mean. There was only a slight chance of leg humping, except in my husband’s dreams.
So, I pussied out and I never called her because that’s how a total dork would handle the situation, so that’s what I did. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out a way to get out of our “date,” you know, had I found the balls to call her and agree to go in the first place.
I thought I might somehow manage to become de-invited.
Maybe I’d agree to meet her there and show up in this amazing outfit:
And then run toward her yelling “Laura! Hey! It’s me! Hai-ii!” and then trip over the dress, twist my ankle, fall on my face and become injured with a fat lip and a broken ankle, hopefully a compound fracture, thereby leaving me unable to dance and forcing me to sit at the bar to nurse my injuries with $10 each vodka drinks. But that wouldn’t have worked because the drinks would only increase the likelihood of the leg humping, broken ankle be damned.
Needless to say, I never worked up the courage to go Salsa dancing with Laura, and that, my Toy with Me friends, was my closest brush with a girl crush/lezzie action. Oh, and there’s the time I kissed my friend Susan so that stupid drunken college boys would buy us drinks, but that doesn’t count because there was no real lezbee desire behind it–just the desire for another free Amstel Light.
It’s not that I don’t find women attractive either because I totally do! I appreciate the beauty and the hotness and the specialness of the female form just as much as anybody. In fact, there are many of them I think are really quite something, like I think Anna Paquin from True Blood is totally hot, as is Deborah Ann Woll also from True Blood. She’s my total favorite right now and she kind of makes me drool a little bit, truth be told. And there are others, but I’m obsessed with True Blood right now, so those are the best examples of lusciousness I have for you right now.
But as much as I think these chicks are infinitely fuckable, I do not want to fuck them. The news of this makes my husband weep bitter tears because he’s been hoping for a threesome with Anna for a really, really long time now. Or Deborah. Or anyone, really.
My non-lesbian status is also a huge disappointment to my mother, who when not listening to inappropriately detailed stories about my brother’s girlfriend’s crotch rot, would pretty much give anything to have a lesbian daughter. It would have made her so, so, so proud. In fact, during my young dating years, she would listen to my tales of woe when boys were a horrible disappointment and she was known to say things like “are you sure you wouldn’t rather have a girlfriend? Why don’t you at least try it?”
I’m sorry, mom. The closest I ever got was dating a couple of gay guys.
I guess I just like dicks way too much! Sorry! And even then, I don’t like too much dick unless I’m ovulating and then it’s game. fucking. ON! (But only if I’m not too tired.)
All this said though, if I did have a little lez in me, I’d probably be the type to go for someone a little more diesel, like a Jillian Michaels or Jo from Facts of Life. I don’t think I’d be able to get into a girl as girly as me because I have to be the prettiest princess or else I’m not happy.
So yes. That’s my story about how gay I am not.
How gay/not gay are you Toy with Mes? Have you ever had a gay encounter but normally you’re not gay? Have you ever started to have one and then changed your mind at the last minute?
Photo by sattva.