Remember how much that sucked?
Only you didn’t know it sucked because you probably had nothing to compare it to. Sure, maybe you got a little nookie on the couch in your mom’s basement, but if you’re anything like me, you did it in the car most of the time.
When I was in high school, I had a boyfriend named Tommy. He was my first and only boyfriend because I don’t know why, but I was total boy repellent. Maybe it was the braces I wore until junior year, or that I was an esteemed member of the “nerd herd,” or maybe it was because MY DAD WAS A TEACHER AT MY HIGH SCHOOL!!!!
My very large dad with the notoriously bad temper was a teacher at my high school.
And he was my class advisor, which meant he was at every event.
As was my mother because she was his date.
I wouldn’t have wanted to go out with me either, so I can’t say I blame the boys for shunning me. I was pretty cute, too–all blond hair and tiny skirts. I even drove a new sports car. It must have been torture for the poor slobs.
Anyway, along came this Tommy fella. He was very cute and popular and he wanted to go out with ME! Looking back, I realize that he wasn’t exactly what people would call smart. In fact, he was dumber than a bag of rocks and that’s probably why he wasn’t scared of my dad, but he was willing to be my boyfriend despite the risks involved and so I loooovvvveeeeddddd him.
And the way to make a boy love you back is to do the sucky fucky for him and so that’s what I did. In the car. A lot and a lot.
There was a park where we always went, and I swear to Jeebus it was just like the school parking lot except it smelled like a Trifecta of Naughty–sex, booze, and ciggies. The ground there, and this is really gross, was littered with used condoms, cigarette butts, and Purple Passion bottles.
Remember Purple Passion?
I think it even came in a two liter soda bottle and oooooooo…I thought that was the height of sophistication.
I was stupid.
Arbor Mist is the height of sophistication.
Also, White Zinfandel.
Classy ladies like me know all about good wine and stuff.
But those days in high school were the halcyon days of youth when the biggest worry was getting caught by the cops while giving head in your boyfriend’s mom’s Volvo.
But it’s different now as I am the proud owner of a monstrous mortgage payment and find myself once again without a place to do Sexy Time. There’s always the threat of a kid walking in and seeing the porn on the TV, or the midget wearing a chin strap dildo, or my husband in his assless leather chaps. So the only place we have to do it, without interruption, is in the car.
I used to be the babysitter, doing the sucky fucky in the car and now I need a babysitter so I can do the sucky fucky in the car.
I would like to say that the only other difference is that now I have a nicer car and I don’t need condoms anymore, but my car sucks and I still have to use condoms!
Oh, woe is me, Toy With Me peoples!
But you know what? Out of desperation, I’m going to give it a whirl because maybe it’ll be fun.
I have a few concerns though because I’m not a noob at the Sexy Time anymore. I have standards for excellence that that young girl had no concept of, and I’m not sure how attainable those standards will be in the front seat of my husband’s Subaru. And I’m not as flexible as I was in high school. Getting around that stick shift may be tricky, to say the least. It could lead to Something Unfortunate happening if I fall on it without my panties on. Try explaining that injury to the wookie doctor (or the ass doctor).
And what about my husband? He’s 6 foot 4. Most cars are too small for him, even under the best of circumstances. I’m thinking the chances of him breaking a window with his ass are pretty high. Or, if I’m on top, my head could go through the windshield and frankly, I think my head has had enough Sexy Time trauma for one lifetime.
This is clearly a logistical nightmare and for the first time in my life, I’m wishing we had gotten some sort of giant, pimped out mini van with the TV screens, fold down seats, and TINTED WINDOWS.
And speaking of privacy, OH MY GAWD what if we get caught by the po-po? I went to high school with so many of them –“hey Crissy! It’s been a while! Last time I saw you, you were half naked and sucking dick! I guess not much has changed since high school, huh?”
(Shakes fists at the sky)
WHY DID I BUY A HOUSE IN THE SAME TOWN WHERE I GREW UP???
(Buries head in hands)
Clearly, we’re going to have to borrow somebody’s mini van (if anyone we know will let us after reading this) and leave town if this has any chance at working out. However, I’m gonna try it and I’m gonna report back to you because you’re nice and so sexy (have you been working out?) and also because I’m desperate because rubbing one out in the ladies room at work is losing its romance.