How Common Is Kink?

KinkYou know what I like to do? I like to look at a person and try to figure out what they would look like having an orgasm. Frankly, it’s not a very fun game and I don’t know why I do it. My supervisor, for example, has the disturbing habit of telling me details of her love life with her husband, which just makes the mental picture all the more vivid. If she were on this site, then that would be great, but giving me the run – down as we’re going over a spreadsheet at the office is just a little much for me. Some things are too much, even for the Kinky Jew. That said, it’s gotten me going on the question: just how common is kink? Because I gotta be honest; not everything she’s telling me belongs in a Disney movie.

The husband and I are busy at work starting up a Kinky Jews group down here in DC, after being members of the New York chapter for the past four years. When attending events like the “Kinky Seder” (oh, what you can do with a good cut of brisket!), you begin to see more and more people over the age of forty and it makes you wonder where they’ve been, and why they’re just joining now. Well, here’s my theory:

Hope I Die Before I get Old?

Thanks to modern science and medicine, men and women are living longer than ever. Not only that, but we’re staying active longer, and leading fuller lives. Whereas one hundred years ago, a person might live to the ripe old age of fifty, now fifty is when you start figuring out where you want to go and what you want to do with the second half of your life. Strangely, Americans have openly adjusted to this ever-expanding lifespan in all aspects of their lives, except perhaps in their partnerships. When we say, “until death do us part,” I don’t know if we all thought, “like for another eighty years or so” but that’s increasingly becoming the norm.

Now, maybe you did consider this reality when you took your vows, but how real was it to you? And how real is it now after maybe twenty – plus years together? And the fact is, after time, sex with the same person in the same two or three positions can become pretty damn boring. After a while, maybe you have kids or other things in life that distract you, but there comes a point where you stop and say, “let’s do something kinky!” But what is kink? After all, there’s a difference between buying new lingerie, and screaming, “SPANK ME MASTER” while the kids are at soccer practice.

Is Kink Going Mainstream?

To me, kink is anything that switches sex up a bit and takes you outside of your immediate comfort zone. It’s the play – time that makes you say to yourself, “Oh my gosh! Are we really doing this?!” If we look at it like that, then anything from that French Maid outfit you have hidden away in your closet to the sweet whispers of, “talk dirty to me” count as good, clean, kinky fun. What’s more, our culture seems to encourage this increasingly every year (have you seen some of the Halloween outfits out there?!), which I think is great! I think a lot of people hear the words “BDSM” or “kink” and think of a man with a leather hood over his face and a zipper for a mouth. Yes, undeniably, that’s a part of it, but I’m seeing a lot of older people come into the community because the kids are gone, or their lives are changing, and they just want to take time to further explore their sexuality. Society still poo – poos a lot about “The Scene,” and paints kink as a sick, depraved world of loneliness and desperation. After all, how many CSI – New York episodes have you seen where the murderer is into something kinky, and things go awry?

Does My Yellow Tutu Float Your Boat?

But cultural hang-ups aside, I think the image of the kinkster is turning more from tall, intimidating woman dressed entirely in leather and wearing 6” heels, into more of a couple looking for a little play time. It’s going from “BEAT ME!” in a club to, “you’ve been a naughty little school girl, haven’t you?” in a private bedroom. There’s nothing I encourage more than a good time using what was given to you, especially if that includes your imagination. Outfits for role – playing are great, and tying a loved one (or soon to be loved one) up with scarves can put a sexy little twist on things; there’s no need to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on floggers and black leather (although why people wear black leather when they’re about to have sex is simply beyond me. You’re about to have sex. That’s a GOOD thing. Why do you look like you’re going to a wake?! If I ever become a Dommé – also known as a Dominatrix – I am totally going to run around in a bright purple leotard with a yellow tutu screaming “FEAR ME!”… but I digress).

As kink moves more into the mainstream, I think you’re going to start seeing a lot more opportunities for you and your love life. It seems like one more step on the road to sexual freedom and openness to be able to acknowledge that taste in sex is as varied as taste in ice – cream. I don’t mean swinger parties, although I know people in that scene as well, but just a chance for you and your partner to engage in some fun activities to see how creative you can be. Of course, that then begs the question: if you’re having such fun, who else likes a good spanking now and again? Well, in a few years, you may see eighty-six year old Mrs. Riley from across the street in a yellow tutu. In which case, you just give her a big thumbs – up for me, okay?



  1. yes baby, kink is IN with all walks of life, especially older couples and moms, I have found that out in my research for my book on motherhood and sex. It’s AWESOME. There is nothing better than keeping the spark alive as the years go on by introducing new stuff into the boudoir.


  2. Suzie

    Strangely, a friend of mine had this theory in college. Any time a man is doing something he LOVES doing, that’s his orgasm face. It’s hilarious. We were following a band and doing PR for this during this time frame and the lead singer would get this weird twisty face when he was in the middle of a good song. We decided we didn’t want to test our theory. LOL

  3. KinkyJew

    Crissy – Hopefully the police man does more than just arrest you… though don’t we all love a good set of cuffs? If you’re going to try this game at home, you should know that police cuffs are actually very bad for a domination scene. If you’d like to try a little role play, get a soft pair of nylon cuffs with either a velcro tie, or go all out and get a high-priced set of leather cuffs that have a soft lining on the inside for your wrists. Mmmmm…. @Nic – if you’re interested in the BDSM scene in DC, you should consider contacting the Black Rose organization at They’re a very helpful group of folks! @Aunt Becky – I don’t think I’d want to picture the penis of a man I don’t like… but whatever works for you!
    If y’all are interested in some links, let me know and I’ll post them in the comments section here. Thanks for reading!

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