My Husband Wants To Have A Threesome

ID-100177638You know what my husband wants?

A threesome.

I know, I know, everyone’s husband wants a threesome, but the kind of threesome my husband wants does not involve me and another chick.

No, no, Toy with Mes.  He wants it to be with…

Wait for it…

A dog!

I am completely not serious.

No. He wants it to be with another man (mostly because he’s not a dog person).

Up until last week, I had no idea that this is kind of unusual. Apparently it is! Last week someone suggested that perhaps a lot of guys aren’t admitting this is a fantasy of theirs for fear of sounding gay.  I would explain his feelings on the subject to you, but I’m going to save it for him to explain.  Instead, I’m going to share my thoughts on the subject because I am infinitely more interesting than he is.

In theory, this threesome thing sounds like a good idea for a lot of reasons:

  • For one, sometimes in a relationship, that new relationship buzz wears off and you kind of get settled into things and you don’t get that whole super exciting new guy sex feeling anymore.  People try to get that back through role play and going to bars and pretending to pick each other up, but this is a new twist on that.  This is a way to get that new guy sex–without cheating!  HUH!  In my case, it’s even encouraged! Double HUH.  Sign me up!
  • If one penis is good, two must be better, right?  I’ve taken inventory and I can definitely accommodate more than one guest at the hotel at once.
  • Sometimes I get distracted while doing the sexy time.  More people = more stuff going on = more stuff to keep me focused on the task at hand(s).
  • Group sex.  It just sounds naughty and fun!
  • As it happens, I’ve already got the perfect person all picked out for us.  It’s my husband’s friend who plays the drums in his garage band.  Readers of my personal blog know exactly who I’m talking about and trust me you guys–he’s fucking hotter than Hades in August. In fact, many of my readers would gladly throw down for a chance at him.  He’s that strong, blue collar type with the muscles and the perfect hairless chest and the arms and the tanned skin and…oh dear.  I’m working myself into a kerfuffle again.

The problem is that nothing is black and white.  As many reasons as I can think of to get “double teamed,” I can think of an equal number NOT to go through with it…

  • First, I worry about the emotional implications such an act would have on my relationship with Dreamy Drummer Boy.  I think I’ve told you guys before that I’ve never been able to separate love and sex, and so to have this kind of encounter with my husband’s BFF–who I’ve known for 14 years now and love already–would probably wreak havoc on my emotional life.  That’s not to mention the awkwardness on band practice nights.
  • He’s married-ish to a psychotic alcoholic who could totally kick my ass and would love to have a reason to.
  • DDB is physically terrified of me.  If I even so much as reach for him to brush something off his shoulder, he winces and shrinks away like I’m made of flaming cat shit.  I’m serious.  He about yells “GAH!” if I even get within foot of him.  His hands fly out to his sides like he’s trying not to get any of me on him.
  • Birth control!  Unlike hubby, DDB has not had the pleasure of having a vasectomy.

It’s very sad because I think I/we could show him a pretty good time.  You know if I had the balls to actually go through with it, but I don’t think I could.  I can talk a good game and fantasize about being the type of woman who has a wild sex life like that, but if actually faced with the moment, I’m not so sure.

So then I got to thinking that it just can’t be with someone I already know and trust and will undoubtedly see again.  Perhaps a stranger instead of dreamy drummer boy.  But then there’s no free lunch there either!

  • What happens when I develop feelings for New Guy.  That could be really messy.
  • STDs!
  • What if my husband, for all his fantasizing, discovers he does not like it and gets jealous or hurt?  I cannot risk damaging our marriage and relationship for one evening of woo-hoo.
  • And what happens after everyone cums? How awkward is that? Does everyone just sort of get up, put their clothes back on and walk away? I mean, the guy doesn’t sleep over, right, because if they do, we’re going to need a bigger bed because a Queen size is just not big enough for three adults and I really need my sleep.
  • It’s a lot of work constantly screening and picking up strangers.  As it stands I don’t have time to put my laundry away.

And then my mind moves away from practical, emotional concerns toward the ridiculous.

  • Knowing me, I’d either run giggling into the bathroom as soon as my panties came off, leaving them standing there, quite literally with their dicks in their hands, OR I’d be totally mortified as soon as people started touching me and like, freak out.  It’s bad enough when I leave my husband with blue balls.  This is TWICE as bad.
  • If by some miracle I actually got past the initial awkwardness, I’d probably play party hostess and make sure everyone is having a good time and check to see if anyone needs anything and if anyone is feeling left out and so on.  I would be my typical self and that means I’d be overly concerned with everyone else’s welfare–especially the “honored guest.”
  • The epic nervousness means I would also be distracted by horrifying thoughts like, “OMG!  What if I pee?” or “Did I shave well enough?”
  • What if I try to do some sort of fancy maneuver and fall off the bed or accidentally hit someone in the head or kick them in the face?
  • Holy hell, what if I have…The Gas?

Oh, lord.  I am way too much of a spaz for this.  I am not made for exciting things.

Before you all get mad at me because I’m being a Negative Nancy, realize that I’m not totally closed to the idea, it’s just that I recognize my anxiety disorder would preclude me from actually enjoying it to the fullest.  I would not be able to just let go, sit back, and enjoy it!  If you’ve been paying attention, you would know that’s not how I roll: if there’s something to worry about, I will find that something and obsess on it.  It’s one of my many talents, actually.   It’s part of what makes me a super special snowflake.

So, yes. I’m not going to say it will never happen.  It’s just gonna take gallons of wine and an astronomical alignment.

But enough about me.  I want to hear about you guys now. Have any of you TWMs ever had an MMF threesome?  How did that work out?  Did you have The Gas or did you cause the end of one or more relationships or did you accidentally kick someone in the face?

**Catch the male perspective tomorrow with a special guest post by: Ken Gilbert!  (Crissy’s husband)

Free Digital Images. Photo by stockimages.

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0 comments

  1. sixnettles

    To me, a threesome with two guys and a girl makes the most sense. One penis, one shot, two holes? Nah. Two guys and one girl makes way more sense.

    And from what I have heard from those that have, ahem, partaken in the MMF activity, typically the guys in a MMF threesome are not bi and not interested in each other – whereas in the the FFM threesome, all too frequently the M gets a bit left out after the girls go bi-bi.

  2. I think a threesome, of any combination, could be great, IF none of the parties involved had much emotional attachment. So. not for hubby/wife teams or long term monogamous couples.

  3. I would have thought feeling negative about yourself after the fact would have pertained more to a female in a FFM situation. The more I think about this though I certainly understand reasons why. Thanks for sharing your opinion 🙂

  4. Justin Latina

    Every man dreams of re-capturing the ability he once had to so completely objectify the incredible woman who eventually became the mother of his children / dependable best friend.
    I have actually had this fantasy, though mine was always at the end of a relationship and always skewed toward the side of wanting to watch someone else fuck her. The thought being that, I now harbor enough resentment and hatred that the only way she'll ever be hot again is if she's completely indulges her inner whore and allows herself to be defiled in the most offensive way that SHE can think of.
    For a married man, it would seem to be a controlled experiment in destroying the sanctity of marriage. There is no higher pursuit in my mind. (I get a boner just thinking about it!)
    In case you were wondering, this is a big vote in the "FOR" column. It may either end your marriage or tighten the bond to an impenetrable degree.
    Either way, I'm disappointed that I never learned to play the drums and I definitely want a copy of the home movie it will inevitably spawn.

    • So you believe it's an all or nothing adventure? " It may either end your marriage or tighten the bond to an impenetrable degree. " If this truly is the case how many people do you think would question the risk? Or be willing to take it?

    • ken

      it's interesting you say "re-capturing the ability he once had to so completely objectify the incredible woman." i hadn't considered the fact that at the beginning, the VERY beginning of the relationship, the players truly DO see each other in a PURELY objective way.

      There is nothing but the image, the smell, the taste, the touch, the sound of their voice. it all begins with sensation, and sensation is objective by nature.

      only objects and matter can be sensed.

  5. pandadementia

    I've had quite a few FFM threesomes and one MMF threesome. Some of them worked, some of them didn't. The ones that DID work worked because we were all laid back, all had a sense of humor about it, didn't have any inflated expectations about it, just went with the flow and had fun. The ones that DIDN'T work were because one (or more) of the parties went into it for the wrong reasons (wanting to please their partner, etc) or had jealousies and hang ups that prevented them from letting go and having fun.
    With my MMF threesome, I knew both of the guys (previous sex partners) but they didn't know each other. It worked out fabulously, I had A LOT of fun, and so did they.
    I would suggest that if you have some reservations and some worries about it (which it sounds like you do), that you DON'T do it. Your hang ups will probably prevent you from having fun and it will put a strain on your marriage instead of bringing you and your hubby closer together.
    Good luck! 🙂

  6. puumba

    Don't do it.

    The drummer dude is totally hot for you. The avoidance is his way of trying to suppress this and not wreck his friendship with your husband… You say you have the hots for him too. Disaster!

    Then there is the associating sex with love thing, which I can relate to.

    It would be easier than falling off a rock to end up with very strong feelings for him, maybe even marriage wrecking feelings.

    • ken

      the drummer absolutely does have the hots for crissy.

      1) she's only ever been sweet as pie to him in the 14 years they've known each other.
      2) have you seen how ridiculously hot she is?
      3) he is (and has been for too long) going through the wringer with his own wife, who basically treats him like dog shit.
      4) her ass! for the love of god…

  7. connieemeraldeyes

    In reality, they kind of get jelous of each other. One probably has a bigger penis than the other one. What if the new guy does, will it make your husband feel jelous, or if you ack like you really like the new guy, he will start to feel jelous.
    Then if you do it with someone else, is he going to suggest bringing in a woman next time. Would that bother you. Plus I would be afraid of getting Aids. Will you request a HIV test.

  8. Oh my holy threesomes! How have I not found you before today? Love this post, your blog, and mostly I love your tagline. Um? 3some, sign me up! As long as it's JT or Leonardo (I had an awesome pregnancy dream about him and he is hung, I'm sure of it).

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