I Want Porn For Chicks

Porn Sucks

You know what I think is stupid?

Mainstream porn.

It’s just gross.

And I know because I’ve seen it. I’ve seen a lot of fucking porn some porn because my husband is quite the aficionado. It’s not like he makes me watch it or anything, I ask for it. It’s good to have around just in case by some incredible twist of fate I have a chance to rub one out (this hasn’t happened in years! 4 to be exact), and sometimes I just can’t shut off the loser in my head who is trying to multitask  and plan errands while having Sexy Time with my husband.  The porn is good because it keeps me focused.  Also, it turns me on.

However, one thing I do not like is boy porn and that’s pretty much what my husband keeps around for his own personal use, but it’s not really what he calls “wife friendly.”

So I’ve asked him to find some wife friendly porn for me and he’s come up with a few things, but it’s still mostly boy porn.  Like, for some reason, my husband thought I might enjoy “Barely Legal Teens,” but no.  I’m old enough to be their mother for Christ sake and I just want to shout “TAKE YOUR MOUTH OFF THAT BOY’S PENIS AND COME INTO THE HOUSE, YOUNG LADY!”  I’m also not really interested in “Fuck My Gaping Asshole” or “Butthole Sluts.”

I don’t know why.

And most boy porn is boring. Who wants to watch 30 solid minutes of dick sucking? Seriously, LAND THE PLANE ALREADY, DUDE! My jaw hurts just thinking about that shit.  Sometimes I’m so bored I start little projects for myself, like I look for the actress’s boob job scar, or I check for cellulite or razor burn.

Do we even need to discuss the ridiculous titles?

I didn’t think so.

And why are the actresses so skanky?

I’m a woman (duh) so naturally, I’m going to identify with the fuck-ee and not the fuck-er, so to speak, and so I find it hard to enjoy watching some dude giving it to my daughter’s Barbie doll.

Barbie

I guess some men are into that sort of thing, but the way they make the women up is just revolting to me.  The fake hair, eyelashes, tits, tans, fingernails…everything about them is plasticized and painted within an inch of it’s life.  I don’t know about any of you, but I don’t look like that.  EVER.  Not even on Halloween. So I’m thinking I’d rather see someone who looks like a real woman, someone who looks a little more like, well,  me.

(That said, I don’t really want the girl to be wearing a nursing bra and cotton maternity panties from Old Navy, which is sometimes what I wind up wearing to bed on those Very Special Evenings. I know.  I need to go shopping. Wicked bad.)

And don’t even get me started on the poor chick whose face looks like a few miles of bad road, and she’s being railed so hard in every orifice by multiple people all at the same time that SHE’S CRYING.  For some reason, the last thing I want when I’m fucking my husband (or myself)  is to have the feminist inside of me  blowing her rape whistle. Maybe I’m a prude, but I don’t like seeing women brutalized by fat trolls and speaking of fat trolls why are most of the men in these films fat trolls?

EW!

AS!

IF!

I want to fuck …Ken

Monster

 

Thank goodness they haven’t invented smellovision yet because I bet they’re stinky, too.

And I understand that I’m talking about porn made for men and so who cares what the fuck-er looks like, but still.  Even straight guys must get a little grossed out, right?

I would think so.

I think this is why so many women like gay porn. The gays have a higher, more refined aesthetic and so the dudes are just way better looking and I can actually imagine myself wanting to fuck them.  Also, the more dicks at the party the better.  Amiright?  Fist bump, Ladies!

Very nice.

And speaking of wanting to fuck, how about a little more romance, please? Oh god, but not too much. I don’t need miles of plot before we get to the good stuff, but the ol’, plumber came to fix the leaky pipes ruse and then WHOOPS! His dick fell into her mouth is a little far fetched and stupid for me?  I’m thinking something more along the lines of Jane Austen meets … I don’t even know what.  Just something.

And since we’re going for more romance and less sleeze, I like pretty sets.  It makes a huge difference when the set is posh. I’m not into the dirty motel mattress with a bedspread on it from 1992 like I see in boy porn. I once saw a porn scene shot on a white wicker twin size bed with a pink, frilly bedspread on it. It was clearly a little girl’s bedroom set and that so does not fly with me.

But am I just a cranky pants? Do other women have these problems?

After a rather validating conversation with my friend Melissa Lion, and then some of my other hot girlfriends, I realized I’m not alone in my porn needs.  I could write a whole book based on my friend Rachel’s diatribe about porn background music alone! And since women watching and enjoying porn is not so taboo anymore (thank you feminism!), there must be some porn out there just for us ladies, or at least, something that doesn’t make us puke.

 

65 comments

  1. Gus

    I accidentally came across this site while I was looking for some “Nice Porn” for my wife. But it’s obvious that so many here are just masquerading as being nice when in reality they are just your everyday Raincoat wearing freaks who will do anything to see Porn.(Just look at them crawl & suck up to seem nice in their replies)
    You can tone it down all you like Boys & you can even make out you are girls, but I can still see through your deceptions & it’s people like you that make Porn so devious..

    Back on Topic: As for “Nice Porn” I don’t think it exists. For a start you would have to be a little bent & a little devious to do it & then spread it around the world in the first place.
    Simple fact is “That Nice Girls don’t do porn” so stop fooling yourselves.
    If you think different then you are in Denial.

  2. Carl

    Thank you! I am a man and hate male centered mainstream porn too. I feel Nica Noelle makes some good movies (both straight and lesbians).

  3. Sue

    That the ladies aren’t visually stimulated? I don’t agree at all. The visual that I am looking for is not to necessarily to be tossed onto the bed and “hammered” so much as be seduced or “opened up slowly”. Most if not all of the boy porn I’ve looked at is just about that alternate — get down to business – she’s always hot and ready and open for business. I don’t always relate, just sometimes.

    I think part of the “problem” is that chick porn has been expressed in literary terms rather than cinematic. Maybe its been safer that way – for a girl to settle down with a “nice book” – so its been hidden porn so to speak?? It usually means I have to fill in the visuals in with imagination/translation from the erotic or semi-erotic that I read.

    Having the hotness of Sookie and Bill, or Anias Nin’s vignettes in actual visual terms would totally do it for me. And for my older mom – the guilty pleasure that swooning housewives in the late 60/70s had with someone like Barnabas Collins – in a more fulfilled an “graphic” way rather than the “innuendo that followed” would be a major score.

  4. desperately seeking libido

    I once was watching a porn with my husband and a Beavis and Butthead pillow was in the background. It’s all I could focus on. Clearly, boy porn.

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