What I Wish I’d Known About Sex

ID-100284493Well, Toy With Me-ers, it’s been a hell of a lot of fun working with you guys on the site. I can’t believe I’ve actually been writing here for a year and a half, but time flies when you’re having fun with your vagina. And fun was had by all. This, I regret to inform you, will be my very lastest column over here.

Please, wipe up your tears of sorrow (or joy, as the case may be) and let us think back to a time in our lives when we were young and just starting out in the bedroom; a time before we were the gods and goddesses – wielding our sex toys like weapons – of sex that we are now. Here, my friends at Toy With Me are the things that I wish I’d known about The Sex when I was starting out.

Being safe is hot. Practicing safe sex is much, much hotter than, well, not. It may seem like a bummer at the time to stop and put on a rubber or take a pill in the morning, every morning, but it’s a hell of a lot better than venereal disease. Because if you think, “hey put on a condom” is tricky to say, imagine the “hey, I have VD” conversation. So get equipped and stay that way.

Mood music is always a good thing to use when trying to cover up the sounds of The Sex. Not only does it cover up the “stirring macaroni and cheese” noise that the sex act itself creates, it can also mask some of the louder, environmental noises (squeaking beds, moans, farts, you know, all that good stuff) that might otherwise alert parents, siblings and roommates that there is a whole lotta humping going on. The downside is, of course, it also masks the sounds of an approaching parent or other type of mood-killer. Also: it may be well near impossible to settle on some getting it on music with your partner (thrash metal, while a total turn-on for some, will be nothing but pants-buttoner for others).

Teenage boys are horny beings. They’re pretty happy to hump most anything that walks which is both a blessing and a curse. Blessing when it’s you, total curse when it’s your best friend.

Teenage boys also have no stamina.

While you may be inclined to make sweeping statements like “teenage boys have no stamina,” there are plenty of grown men without stamina, too. When an overly excited dude blows his load on your kneecap, just try and reframe the thought, “I’m going to punch you for not getting me off,” into “wow, I must have been hot enough to make him blow his load like that.” It helps soften the blow, if only slightly.

You should always pay top dollar for sex toys, even if you have to skimp on the number that you can buy. Quality, in this case, over quantity. Only the very best for your vagina!

Which is what you should remember when picking a lover: only the very best for your vagina. Lovers are fairly easy to come by (there’s a fucking sweet pun there) but the good ones aren’t the ones that will object to wearing a condom or otherwise disrespect your vagina. The vagina is to be respected, yo!

Sex gets better as you get older. Probably because your lovers get better (see also: respect) but also because you learn what you want. Knowing what you want and feeling empowered is key to getting what you want in the bedroom. And really, anywhere else.

Guys like a chick who can crack a good dick joke.

The Wet Spot should always be contained on his side of the bed so as to not be forced to sleep on Lake Spoogekins all night long. Because that makes for a squishy, sticky, and otherwise unpleasant night stuck to the sheets. Best to make that his problem.

Good underwear is a must. A matching bra and underwear set is debatable, but good underwear is important as hell. So never, ever, ever, skimp on that.

Also on the list of things never, ever to do: never, ever buy a Cosmo to make you feel better about yourself. It will invariably remind you of everything you do not have: from a mind-blowing orgasm technique to fifty beauty must-have’s, the magazine is not designed for women. Or, at least, women that like themselves or other women.

Learn to give a good blowjob. While you’re at it, learn enough about sex to feel like a sex kitten in the bedroom. No boyfriend will ever appreciate you calling his penis “your thing” or “Mr. Cuddles.” It’s creepy and juvenile. May as well learn your way around a penis without blushing madly every time you see one.

Also: testicles are kinda funny (in an awesome way). But you know that. Everyone knows that.

G-Spot orgasms are quite possibly the best thing on the planet and should be experienced whenever possible. The first one will be a religious experience.

Writing a sex column will introduce you to some of the nicest, kindest and most full of the awesome people on the Internet.

So, Toy With Me-ers, what do you wish you could have told yourself about The Sex when you first started out? (or were you always this perfectly expert?)

Also: so long, Toy With Me, and thanks for all the vagina. A good vagina is hard to find.

Xox,

AB

Free Digital Photos. Photo by dream designs.

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26 comments

  1. Nikkol

    Great post! You will definitely be missed!

    As for your final question I wish someone would have NOT told me that "only 30% of women are capable of having orgasms". Led me to believe that being non-orgasmic was normal and that I would never be able to orgasm for many years! I'm pretty sure that if I could go back in time I could link this to cosmo as well. Oi I wish they would stop making that magazine now!

  2. Dee

    Just because it's just right for her doesn't mean it can fit in my cooter, too. It's ok to have a "spare."

    G-spot = best orgasm ever, even from the third-person perspective. (Never had one, but loooove giving them.)

    I'm sure I'll be going back and taking better notes on what you've already posted, love. Have to hang on to all those key one-liners (lake spoogekins be damned! That's what the couch is for!). Have fun with what's next!

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