When Masturbation’s Lost Its Fun, You’re Fucking Breaking

blueEach week, I sit down to entertain. You’ve heard about why I’d hit for the same team, what I carry in my luggage and how I feel about ex-dates who hate the fact I have a public persona. As truth always surpasses fiction in the “strange” department, I hope to occasionally amuse, perhaps even titillate. But above all, it’s honest.

And this week, in all honesty: I’m completely unsexy.

Aside from having a “fat” day, my head seems to have meandered and found its way back up my ass. I just feel…meh.

There’s nothing different when I look in the mirror. Well, aside from what appears to be the inkling of a pimple on my chin. Having turned three-seven last week, you’d think that the acne would have left for teener pastures. Wrong. Hello, zit zapper cream – my name is Cougar.

There’s nothing different about the way my jeans fit. Matter of fact, they’re one pair away from my skinny jeans. Any other day, that would be fucking awesome. Today – it’s meh.

Having (recently? Not really) ended something that should have ended much sooner, I’m fairly sure my mood begs the question: am I soup? Soup is runny and fills the space it’s given. No matter what kinda chunks you put in it, soup remains soup. It’s never really divine. Not really interesting. More of something to warm you up or tide you over until whatever’s next arrives. And damn. That’s unsexy.

When something ends, the questions begin.

Was it my fault?
Is it me?
Am I fat?
Was I clingy?
Did I talk too much?
Am I fat?
Was it the sex? Was it not good enough? Am I not open enough? Am I too open?
Did I leave the iron on?
How do I believe anything he said?
Was it a lie?
Was I lying to myself?
What the fuck is the matter with me?!?!

That whole laundry list of questions – well, it’s pretty unsexy, too. Filled with self-doubt and lacking the sass and self-confidence that I carry around like a purse dog. The fact of the matter is I’m up to my nostrils in Tit Soup and I can’t seem to drink my way out.

I know I’m a sex, dating and relationship advice columnist – but how do I serve my readers when I’m sitting here in soup with Green Day lyrics running through my head:

When masturbation’s lost its fun
You’re fucking breaking

Where my head is at – I’m not even thinking about the hey, diddle diddle. And what’s worse: I’m not a “moper!” For fuck sake, I’m a doer and a shove-it-up-yer-arse if ya hates it, Preeeeeeecious kinda gal.

I can’t even shove something up my own ass since my head is currently up there. Awesome.

So there it is, my readers: Dear Redhead is in the soup. I don’t wanna diddle my way out, I don’t even want to go on a date. Today, at least. Someday would be nice, I’m sure. But that’s the thing when you live your life in words in the public eye: it has to be honest. If someone would please grab the Cat and the Fiddle and jump (or GET jumped) over the moon for me, it’d be appreciated. I’ll be out of the soup soon, but today…well, it’s tomato basil bisque (and that shit is going to stain).

Here’s where I shift focus from my soup to someone else’s stew…you’ll see what I mean:

Dear Redhead~

HELP HELP HELP – I need an expert opinion and quick!

It started innocently. A night out that ended with three-way nakedness. The suspects: me, my husband (together 10 years) and a mutual male friend.

Since the first incident happened, it’s happened again, to the point where it is almost IMPLIED if we see each other, we’ll sleep together.

On top of that, our mutual friend has started escalating our communications. He sends texts, videos, pics, emails, calls, etc. He knows my hubby’s schedule and tends to get in touch with me when I am bound to be alone. At first I played along, thinking it was just us bull-shitting and joking around. Now, he even asks to see me alone.

What do I say to my friend to stop it without harming the relationship? I’m fine with the threesome part, since my DH is a consensual partner. But with the texts, emails, pics – I feel guilty about it happening. He is also in a committed relationship and she probably doesn’t know about this.

I’m not ready to stop being friends. Are we destined to be stuck here? Can we ever go back to ‘just friends’?


Threesome Conundrum

Dear Threesome Conundrum~

Well, m’dear Threesome…that’s some stew you and DH have cooked up! Waaaay beyond my soup du jour, I’ll say. Let’s get down to the broth, shall we?

First – this is done. And there’s a very simple reason it’s done: your male friend is cheating on his partner. Using only the info you’ve given, there’s a fourth party that needs to consent to your three-way frolicking: his girlfriend. Many couple swing, and many not even regularly. More often, even, it happens with friends as they’re perceived as “safe.” While there’s nothing inherently wrong with your three-way fun, what bothers me the most is the absent “fourth.”

And YOU are the one to define the parameters of this relationship, not your “friend.” If he was truly your friend, all sex aside, he’d respect the fact that you’re in a committed relationship as well – with your husband – and not try to cross the lines from threesome into a twosome without DH’s input. Swinging dynamics are very personal and require consent among all parties. Otherwise, someone is going to cross the line, which appears to be what’s happening now.

And you’re doing nothing to ruin your friendship – it sounds like your friend is doing all that himself. Sit down and have the talk – about the none-the-wiser girlfriend and about YOUR lines for propriety. And then…you need to decide what you will and won’t share with your husband about the situation.


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