Today for the Toy with Mes I present a whole bunch of Orgasmifacts, or Facts about Orgasm that you probably didn’t know. I got them from this video:
It features a lecture by Mary Roach, the author of Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex. In the video, she talks about some pretty obscure scientific research, some of it really old and weird and hilarious, and she uses it to make 10 surprising claims about orgasm that you probably didn’t even know. Below you will find my favorites.
1. Fetuses Masturbate:
In 1987 The Journal of Ultrasound in Medicine published some evidence of fetal masturbation. They have an ultrasound of a baby’s hand and I admit it sort of looks like the little guy is rubbing one out, but I’m skeptical about that being actual masturbation. We all know little boy babies get hard-ons when their diapers are changed, and some little kids are all handsy in the pantsy, (mine is more of a nose picker thank jeebus) but fetal masturbation? I don’t know. The little dude is prolly just touching it because it’s not like there’s any toys in there to play with, unless you have like, fibroids or something that the baby could kick around like a little soccer ball. I’m a little skeptical.
2. I’d like to have a hairgasm, please.
This is going to bum out the Toy with Mes a little bit but remember the Herbal Essences commercials where the people were orgasaming while shampooing their hair? Well, apparently, that can actually happen. Some people can orgasm by doing weird stuff that has nothing to do with the down belows! There are people who can have them by stroking their eyebrows or their knees or even, are you ready for this, brushing their teeth! Some people can even do it with their minds. Can you imagine that? I would get nothing done.
I had a friend in high school who could orgasm by simply crossing her legs for a second. She’d let out a little sigh in English class and I totally knew what she was up to, that lucky bitch.
3. Brain Dead people can have orgasms.
It’s not like they’re actually enjoying themselves, but they can have em’ because an orgasm involves the sacral nerve route and if you stimulate it, you can make a brain dead person orgasm. So the necrophiliacs aren’t all that sick after all, you guys.
4. Semen can give you funky breath. You don’t even have to swallow.
Dutch physician and gynecologist Theodoor Hendrik van de Velde declared that after having intercourse, a slight odor of semen is detectable on a woman’s breath. This is an important thing to note for all you cum guzzlers and dumpsters out there: Don’t do The Sexy Time before going to the dentist. It could be awkward.
5. An orgasm can cure the hiccups.
Next time you’re over at the Taco Bell enjoying a delicious Chalupa and a diet coke, and you get the hiccups, just rub one out right there at the table. Don’t bother swallowing a teaspoon of sugar, drinking water upside down, or having your buddy scare you. That’s all dumb shit now.
6. Upsuck Theory?
Not to be confused with upchuck, the upsuck theory says that in order to increase the odds of conception, the female should have an orgasm because the spasms she experiences in her down belows help suck sperm up toward the fallopian tubes. Folks in the animal husbandry business are big believers in this, and there are people whose actual job is to act like a hog and stimulate a sow to orgasm during artificial insemination. It’s on the video. Really, you should watch it. There are even sow sex toys (Toy with Mes, we should get on this). Imagine “pig fucker” being your actual job title?
Speaking of pig fuckers, try this tongue twister?
My father is a fig plucker, I am a fig plucker’s son.
I will gladly pluck your figs ’till the fig plucker comes.
Now say it fast…
7. You have to jerk off if you want to get somebody pregnant. What?
This kind of follows the same logic as cutting your hair to make it grow, but it’s great news for you frequent masturbators out there! Turns out, some doctors believe that sperm that’s been sitting around waiting to be released gets tired, and when it comes time for it to penetrate the egg, it has trouble getting through, so, if you’re trying to get someone’s eggo preggo, you should pop off a few loads to make sure you’re gettin’ all the freshest sperm.
8. It’s not so much a “spew” as it is a “dribble.”
So our dear old friend Alfred Kinsey decided to study how long of a distance an average ejaculation traveled. He took 300 men, a measuring tape, and a video camera and measured how far it flew out. As it turns out, 3/4 of the men had just a dribble. One dude, however, shot the stuff almost 8 feet across the room. 8 FEET! That’s some high pressure hose he’s got there! I think that might hurt, actually. I’ll take the dribble, thanks.
So there you have it, Toy with Mes. There’s a little education for you. So now when your kids come to you and ask about sex and orgasm, you send them right over here to Crissy. I’ll set em’ straight for ya.
Oh, by the way…… I made a replica of my husbands penis. It’s called clone a willy. Check it.