Mormons, Polygamy And Virginal Obsession

In the name of the FatherThis month, National Geographic is running an article about the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints (FLDS) group, which is an off – shoot of the Mormon church. First of all, I can’t really tell one Christian from another; y’all just kinda blend together to me. I know there’s Catholic, and then there’s the rest. Whatever. Anyway, FLDS, which is some kinda Mormon – Christian, allows for polygamy, and in fact the more “G-dly” a man is, the more sixteen year old virgins he gets to play house with.

Here’s why that would totally work out for me (but not the sixteen year old part, because that’s gross, and I don’t roll like that):

  1. I am lazy as hell, but I don’t mind sweeping, so I would totally be the sweeping wife, and let those other chicks do the dishes and laundry. I am way down with that.
  2. These men tend to be fairly unattractive (we won’t bring up inbreeding here, but I want y’all to keep it in the back of your minds, ToyWithMe kids), so the more other women there are to take their mind off of me, the better.
  3. What is up with that wicked ass hairstyle? Now I will never have to wonder what to do with my hair that morning. Or ever.

I mean, yes, there are the weird and entirely unflattering dresses, and the manly shoes, but think about how simple life would be! You would know what you’re going to be doing every day for the rest of your life. You don’t even really have to find a mate, because the Church will assign one! That’s so thoughtful. They’re like eHarmony but with fifty year old men and pre – pubescent girls. Awww…

One of the many things I don’t understand about the FLDS is their need to marry girls off so young. Can I ask, what is the obsession with virgins? Why does every woman in the Christian faith have to be a virgin? What is wrong with a chick who knows how to fly that joy – stick on your first run out? For my money, I would think men would want a really hot woman who knows what she’s doing. Maybe even one who could teach you a trick or two! If so, after my husband reads this article, I may be single, so call me… I’ll bring the rope!

Do the FLDS get kinky, you think? I mean, if you only get one night out of a week with your man, wouldn’t you really wanna make it count? If they don’t have nipple clamps, I may not be able to live with them.

Anyway, back to pervs and virgins.

I guess this whole polygamous marriage thing comes from (SUPRISE!!) the Bible, because some old dead guys in ancient times had multiple wives, so these guys in Utah have to have them, too. But you know what? The Bible says a lot of things, and I think it’s got to be up to people to consider whether or not something is realistic nowadays (marrying sixteen year old girls should NOT be a realistic objective). I mean, the law says that you should stop at a “Stop” sign, but, ideally, you also realize that at some point you need to start rolling again, and not live the rest of your life in front of that “Stop” sign. I think my point here is that it’s all well and good to understand the laws, but to follow them blindly leads to inbred blonds living on a compound in Utah. That’s all I’m saying here folks. And fuck, man; Utah is COLD. I would have to sweep those damn floors with my twenty – seven children strapped to my body for warmth. Little Obediah might have to take one for the team and keep mommy’s bottom toasty.

I think my train of thought has derailed and hit a small town, but I hope you’re following me: I could totally be Mormon except that I’m Jewish, I like to have sex (just not with inbred folks), and I would probably end up being the bitchy wife who made all the other wives do the crappy jobs so I could nap during the day. Like, if we could get a wife whose job it was to just bring me snacks in bed, that would be awesome! But then I think it becomes slavery, and that doesn’t work either.

So, maybe I’ll have to stay Jewish, wear my pearls to work, and not wake up at 5 a.m. every morning to get my nineteen children ready to praise Jesus, because frankly, I like to sleep in, and the thought of shooting ONE human out of my vagina freaks me out, let alone twenty or so. Maybe I can just stay the lazy wife of this house, sans the extra personnel. I wouldn’t have to share my husband, but on the other hand, I’m the only one around that he can tell all his bad jokes to.

What would your ideal polygamous household look like? Do you think the FLDS group has the right idea? Would you do my laundry if I sweep your house?

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19 comments

  1. Chris

    Hey guys, just to clarify something…I'm a Mormon currently living in Utah and the polygamous population (FLDS) around here is rather small actually (regardless of what Big Love might lead you to believe). There aren't many around compared to the general populace; mostly out in some of the smaller towns and cities you'll see them, but they pretty much keep to themselves-more to the southern end of the state. Here in Salt Lake we have cars, running water, and even indoor bathrooms; we even hosted the winter Olympics here a while back. Yes (sorry to rain on Jessica's rant), we are Christians and we also believe that having sex (with just one person) is a good thing; anyone having sex here with sixteen-year old virgins is doing jail time, just like anywhere else. In regard to the quality of the people who call themselves Mormons-we have some pretty kick-ass people within the Church and our fair share of assholes as well…..

  2. Jerseygirl, I like your thinking … If I could be The Head Wife, then I’d say I do! We’d need a great big house though, no babies or toddlers, or really talkative hyperactive kids, or even snotty teenagers .. so I guess I’d just need separate living quarters. My husband couldn’t have under-age wives though because that’s just sick and wrong, and he couldn’t make me go to church. Or make wear those clothes, or really make me do anything. So I guess over-all, polygamy isn’t for me. Polyamory is really something to explore though .. I’ll have to read into it and do some blogging of my own …

  3. jerseygirl89

    The FLDS people are scary and wrong and deluded.
    However, we could totally use another wife around here. As long as I could be the head wife, I’m pretty sure I could handle not having to scrub floors, wake up early or deal with my husband when he’s sick.

  4. Dear Redhead

    Just throwing out there that if you haven’t read Under the Banner of Heaven by Krakauer, you’re missing out. An interesting non-fiction/inside look at the polygamist sect of the Mormon church. Which is more of a corporation. Which is most religion. But I digress.

    And speaking from another side – every faith has its extremists. Hasidic Jews, Southern Baptists, Jehovah Witness…names are merely labels assigned that represent a core set of fundamental beliefs. Not all polygamy-practicing Mormons are bad. Just like not all guys driving around in vans with FREE CANDY written on the side aren’t pedophiles.

    Wait. Shitty argument.

    But you get my point.

  5. I think you trailed off somewhere in the middle but the idea? It made me chuckle. Except the wives don’t tend to fuck eachother and, what the hell, if I’m adding another woman to my marriage I better be able to use her for my own.. needs.

  6. Okay, I get where this post is going, though I didn’t really see it until the last paragraph when you asked what our ideal polygamy household would be.

    However, I feel bringing the FLDS in and kind of mocking their lifestyle is a little distasteful. These women and children are forced into the lifestyle, brainwashed, and abused physically, emotionally, and sexually. It’s a miserable existence for many.

    The idea of the post could have be funny, but I think the way it was written was fairly tasteless.

    That being said, as long as someone else cooks, cleans, and takes care of the kids (and births them, as well), I’ll perform sexual favors. Or run away and find a much more consensual and healthy polyamorous situation.

  7. JessicaLee

    Oh, and I should add that, in their defense, most Mormons do denounce polygamy and think this is just as sick as we do. I’m not a fan of the Mormon faith, but I’m not gonna accuse them all of being like these pedophiles, either.

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