Ron Jeremy And Debbie Does Dallas Ruined Porn For Me

Ron JeremyFor shits and giggles when we were teenagers my friends and I would watch porn. For entertainment. As a parent, I know most of you are probably all OH NOES, THINK OF THE CHILDREN, AUNT BECKY, because I realize how bad this must sound to you now. Like we were sitting around in togas, drinking red wine and smoking stolen (from our parents) Cuban cigars while watching porno after porno, which actually, we were. But it was that and no more.

Harry Pooter?

There were no circle jerks, no orgies, no three-somes or four-somes. At most, we’d get bored and go naked hot-tubbing and then cool down by running around naked in the snow. While it was tasteless, it wasn’t exactly nefarious. Porn was just something that seemed funny to watch to all of us, you know, it was like background noise, and made us laugh because it was so absurd and cheesy. With titles like Anal Clinic, Buffy The Vampire Layer, and Harry Pooter, I’m really not sure how we were supposed to take it seriously.

I’m sure there were plenty of adults, our parents even, who would have been horrified to know what we were doing, but really, it seemed harmless to us. It was all the stuff you found Behind The Curtain at your local video store, not like snuff films or bestiality. After I graduated high school and went to college, I was knocked back home, knocked, well, up and the last thing on my mind was getting myself off in new and kinky ways. I had my electric boyfriend, Big Pink, and that was good enough for me. Besides, how the hell could I sneak in a sex swing with my kid or my parents barging in all the time?

Porn Makes Me Laugh

By the time I moved out of my parents house, my kid was old enough to be aware of stuff and things, and pretty soon after I married The Daver, I was with child. When I’m cooking a crotch parasite, the absolute last thing on my mind is having The Sex then WHOOPS we were knocked up (happily!) again and so the idea of porn as a sex toy has always kind of been a foreign concept to me. I’m fully aware that my cable provider has a full LITANY of channels devoted to the Gentle Art of Pornography, and while I have NOTHING wrong with it whatsoever, I simply cannot imagine a day when an extreme close up of a gigantic beefy crotch filled with a penis will be anything less than hilarious and slightly nauseating. I get that some people might get a stiffy watching a threesome with ladies who look like they may have at one time been men, but to me, their moans of “FUCK MY ASS AND SUCK MY TITS” make me laugh, not cum in my pants. I just can’t take it seriously.

Maybe it all stems back to Debbie Does Dallas.

That’s probably the Godfather (Godmother?) of all porno films out there, and it showcases all that I think makes porn absolutely absurd. The handlebar mustaches, forever etched in my minds as “porn-staches,” which are now something that my husband, The Daver, often threatens to grow if I actually wipe my ass with his pillow or drain our savings to buy a Fry Baby and as many Twinkies as I can possibly afford. It has the paper-thin plot lines–which have sometimes devolved into no plot lines whatsoever—where random people just happen to start having The Sex, thereby spawning a billion teenage pizza driver’s fantasies. The thumpy, cornball synthesizer driven music that always cued up whenever our horny heroine, Debbie, encountered yet another man she had to hump. The girl was insatiable, I tell you!

The Obligatory Facial

It also introduced me to my personal favorite part of a porn, The Facial Cum Shot. Nothing cracks me up like a good old shot of spooge to the face and a moaning girl to intercept it. Because while I can understand the groaning and writhing around that accompanies an orgasm, there is nothing I can think of that is hot about a facial cum shot. It’s messy, it can be downright painful if shot into the eye or up the nose, and hell, if I’m in the middle of getting my rocks off, don’t take it it out and shoot me in the face. Anyway, my girl Debbie, she was partial to them.

My roommate bought a copy of this highly esteemed film on one of our treks down to Boys Town and I probably watched it no less than three hundred times. Every time someone came over, we popped the tape into the VCR and I am swearing to you, it never stopped being funny or entertaining, and everyone who came over loved it. It was campy porno goodness. We had toga parties where we drank cheap red wine and watched Debbie Does Dallas, smoked cigars, all of us crammed into our concrete shoebox of a dorm room. I have no doubt that she still has the movie somewhere, stashed away.

So maybe that’s it.

Maybe that’s why I can’t imagine turning on a porn and unbuttoning the pants to get all hot and bothered with my bad self while watching a pornstachioed Ron Jeremy have The Sex with random big boobied blond girls in Homo Errectus. Maybe I can’t do anything but laugh at Cyber Sluts Do Manhattan, because I know that my Debbie did it better, before those sluts were even getting their beavers wet. Debbie was getting her gang bang on WELL before Chitty Chitty Gang Bang ever did. So Debbie, wherever you are, you and your cheerleading buddies and your facial cum shots spoiled me from porn. Forever.

So what do you think, my Toy With Me-ers? Is porn finger-lickin’ hot? Am I missing something integral to my porno education?

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36 comments

  1. Jason

    The Private European movies are generally better than the American output. However the earlier stuff is apparently better than the later where they've gone for a more "artsy" feel. Slow motion cum shots? What were they thinking?

    Of course the facial cum shots always seem wasted… in the mouth I can understand, and obviously injected into various orifices is the "natural" outcome, but I don't really understand why they feel the need to cover the girl's face.

  2. I had a similar experience watching porn as a group activity. But it wasn’t in high school…it was last summer in L.A. Let me tell you, there’s nothing funnier than a group of 20-something hipsters taking down a case of PBR watching a zombie (YES!) porn. The words “Eat my zombie pussy” are forever etched into my mind.

  3. Now, I find porn hilarious or just plain disturbing, depending on the content. The classic old porn, with the giant jungle bushes and the hairy, ugly guys have a special place in my heart, however.

    Of course they didn’t turn me on. How could they? We used to get a whole gang of us together in a van and hit the XXX drive-in, do all kinds of drugs and laugh our asses off at the pathetic porn and the old freaks that were getting it on in their cars.

  4. Toy With Me
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    dubiousma – zoo porn – you animal – rawr

    tiny_little_dot – Hi to you too. Thanks for following my reader 🙂 Don’t be shy about posting comments.

    Michelle – “Gee, I wonder if he had a mint before they started”. Lol

    Heather – Good point. We have discussed making porn more female friendly here before. http://toywithme.com/sexuality/i-want-porn-for-chicks/ It makes me wonder if guys prefer watching porn alone as a masturbation stimulant and/or would they like to share their passion for porn with their lady friend?

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