Re-discovering Your Sexuality – A Man’s Perspective.

ID-100378725For my first contribution (I say first ‘cause I hope ToyWithMe will let me write more in the future), I was simply going to go through each of the previous articles and comment on them from a man’s perspective (the presumption being, I have dangly bits, therefore I am a man.  I’m male, anyway).  It was fun at first, poking holes in everything other people said and being ‘a typical guy’ about the whole thing, but I soon came to discover the true intent of this site.

It’s not a sex toy site (although they do provide them), not a sex advice site (although they provide that too).  It’s more, much more.  What I saw was a site dedicated to helping women find that which they lost.  This made every guy statement I wrote seem contrite and self serving, bordering on adversarial. Sure, it was funny but hardly added to what this site is striving to become.  Of course, that doesn’t mean any future contributions won’t put the bullseye square on your forehead … just not this one.

No, for this one, I think I want to play detective and help all you women find that which you lost;  your youthful sexuality. Indeed, ToyWithMe’s ABOUT section says it all: turned 40, got grey hairs, hot flashes, a dried up vagina and a mood ring that changed colour more often then a chameleon sliding down a rainbow.  Now what guy could resist all that, right?

Of course, it’s easy for me to say.   I’m a guy; I get erect when a woman licks a popsicle. But if I’ve learned one thing over the last 30 years of rejections it’s women need more then visual stimuli to be made to feel sexy.  For you, it’s all in the mind and in the heart, none of which you ladies have lost (well, in some cases it may look like you’ve lost your minds, but that’s a different article all together).

You see, ‘lost’ means to misplace with little to no hope of ever finding again.   I don’t believe this to be true.  I think you have conveniently tucked your sexuality away and quietly given up on it.   And when we men dare to remind you of it (mostly ‘cause we’re horny, let’s be honest), you remember exactly where it is.   You just haven’t the desire or confidence to take out it and use it.

Which is a shame, because if we go through the effort of reminding you that you still have it, it’s because we still see and long for it.   Yes, I get Brittany Gibbons’ comments on her Huffington Post article “What Happened When I Had Sex Every Day For A Year” about guys not understanding, about how you don’t see what we men see and how it’s you and not us.  But the one thing you can’t ignore is that WE SEE SOMETHING WE DESIRE (yes, I am yelling at you).  You don’t have to take our word for it but at least use it as a starting point.

Re-discovering your sexuality can be as great an adventure as when you first discovered it, waaaaayyyyy back in the day (and if you have a willing travel companion, all the better).  But, like any journey of 1000 miles, it has to start with the first step.    Indulge yourself, enjoy yourself, enjoy your partner, play, experiment but above all else. DON’T judge.  Not everything is going to work out the way you envisioned it.   If you didn’t care for something, simply don’t repeat it, but don’t not try something because of a stigma or past encounter.   You’re a different person now, give yourself permission to be different. Give yourself permission to grow … and to fall short every now and again.

If there are any guys reading this, the only thing I can say to you is be patient and encouraging.  Right now, she will need to take some time to regain her confidence.  Give it to her.  Re-enforce the chandelier and four point restraint system later.  For now, just be there.  Remind her why you love her, why she gets you all revv’d up and why she’s perfect just the way she is.

Which leads me to my last point:  You may have noticed (the guys wouldn’t but seriously, how much do we really pay attention) I have not mentioned your sagging boobs, or being overweight or any other aspect of your body you hate.  That’s because it doesn’t matter (“Where you’re from, it doesn’t matter, what you wear, it doesn’t matter, the way you move, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter how you cut your hair …”).  It’s what’s inside that counts.   If you have a problem with your body, either change it or learn to accept it, but STOP using it as an excuse not to move forward.

Seriously, most of us aren’t in the same shape we were in when we married you and we are still enthusiastic about the prospect of shagging you on a nightly basis.  So unless you are trying to get the 20 something from your office into the supply cupboard, stop worrying about who you were and start enjoying who you’ve become.   I’ll bet you’re a better person now anyway, and isn’t that what’s most attractive about all of us?


Have you ever lost your sexuality? How did you find your way back? Do body issues affect your relationship when it comes to being intimate?  We welcome you to share your thoughts in the comments below so we can help one another overcome these problem areas and move forward to a passionate and fulfilling sex life.

Free Digital Images. Photo by stockimages.



  1. Kim said that all the other 40+ men out there are looking for a hard bodied young thing with perky boobs but I disagree. I think the majority of 40+ men are looking for an equal counterpart, a partner but I know in my case, I turn these guys down for one reason or another. In my case it’s because the *wrong* men are hitting on me or men that I don’t find attractive. But I rarely see a 40+ man with a hard bodied young thing. Or, in the case of my 70 year old father… a soft and squishy young thing… or, like The Beast Master says – they’d be good for a fuck but you don’t want to talk to them. Score 1 to the old ladies that can carry a conversation!

    • Toy With Me

      I agree Jess. I think that the average 40+ man is looking for a partner. They may fantasize about a twenty-something, which is perfectly fine, but at the end of the day sex comes down to more than just having an orgasm.

  2. Michael

    I think what’s missing in all this is the “fun” part of sex. Didn’t sex use to be “fun”? Have age and body image issues taken that away? Sadly, I think it has. My goal with The Wife has been…and will continue to be…to bring back “fun”. I really don’t give a crap how she feels about the way she looks (well…I do…but I’m not going to let her use that as an excuse). I’m the one that looks at her all sexied up and I’m going to do whatever it takes for her to look hott. Just the other day, I bought her a sexy animal print bra…for no particular reason. And you know what? It worked! She modeled it for me and guess where we ended up? And sports fans, I gotta tell ya…it was FUN!!!
    For me…I believe the first step is to bring the fun back into sex. I think once that part becomes a standard part of any relationship, the other issues might just take a back seat.
    Speaking of the back seat…Hey, Baby? Wanna go for a ride?

    • Toy With Me

      I agree Michael, in many relationships fun has taken a back seat. Not just because of body image, but also the demands of modern day life. Without the fun aspect we lose the connection that sex allows us to share. So two thumbs up for trying new things and focusing on bringing the fun back!

      I would like to point out though that women tend not to use how they feel about their bodies as an excuse for not having sex. Trust me – we want sex!! It’s more a matter of figuring out how to have a positive view of how we look and I think that’s why Brittany’s experiment, I believe, was successful. She took the time to learn to love herself just the way she is, thus allowing her to put it out of her mind and zone in on what she really desired, an intimate connection with her partner.

      Having said that, I think you’re on the right track by finding ways to add fun into the bedroom. For some, this may be all they need.

  3. Kim D

    By the way, a great big “thank you” to Peter and the other guys who have commented. It’s discussions like these that open the door to that always elusive communication between the sexes. Like TWM said, we are literally wired differently and sometimes can’t imagine what you guys are thinking, or why you are thinking it, which then leads us to not believe you, which leads to a lack of trust, which…

    Oh hell! Anyway, thank you!

  4. Mike

    Well said. I blame media for most of women’s beliefs. I never dated a woman and my wife is included that took my compliment without adding their own “but” into the equation. Example being, “you look beautiful” the but that gets added in from her: ‘if I lost 20 lbs, if my breasts weren’t sagging, if I didn’t have this waddle under my chin, etc.’
    While there are many men out there that are still looking for that perfect “10” even though they haven’t been to the gym in 30 years and they are all immature. Most men believe the wives or girl friends are very attractive. If they don’t believe this you may want to ask yourself why you are with them.

    I find women, immature or mature, much more image conscious than a guy will ever be.

    Just my two cents.

    • Toy With Me

      Thanks for sharing Mike! I agree with the blame of media when it comes to body issues for women. We’re inundated from a very young age with images of ‘perfect’ women and how to achieve the same results. It is something that is ingrained in our minds over many years and altering this thought process is extremely difficult. The majority of women would overwhelming choose to not feel this way but the images we’re presented with on a daily basis makes this exceedingly problematic.

  5. I really appreciate this conversation. I love the dialogue, that has truly been overwhelming positive on this subject in particular, which makes me so happy!

    But, I do want to discuss a point you made, specifically in reference to my article. I think you misunderstood the weight I gave my partner’s feelings. They very much held an important spot in my mind, but what I think was more important than that, was the ability I gained to forgive myself for not feeling that way yet, and the willingness to find those feelings on my own. You can discredit the way a woman sees her body because you tell her otherwise, and doing that, can sometimes only add to the guilt and failure we already feel.

    We all need amazing cheerleaders in our lives, and you sound like an amazing one. But there is a point when we have to take responsibility for pieces of ourselves, and for me at least, this was one of those times.

    Excellent discussion, love this platform!

    • Toy With Me

      Thanks for stopping by and giving your input Brittany! I highly value your opinion on this subject. I have always struggled, like a good majority of women, with body issues and wholeheartedly agree with you that it doesn’t matter what your partner says the acceptance has to come from within. Although your partner may believe constantly offering reassurance about your body is helpful, you’re quite right in stating that this may only lead to guilt and more self doubt. No one can make you feel comfortable with yourself but you.

      Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your journey to finding self acceptance. I sincerely think you’re an amazing women for putting yourself out there!

    • From The Wet Spot

      I wasn’t going to get into this but when the well-respective, ‘higher-in-the-food-chain’ author of an article you quote takes the time to weigh in, you reply tout de suite. Thanks for this, by the way, Ms. Gibbons.

      I don’t think I misunderstood you at all. Your explanation above is pretty much how I took what you were trying to say. And while I can do nothing about any guilt or failure women feel, it nonetheless effects how we guys feel when our comments, praises and advances (particularly our advances) are dismissed. To use, any positive comment is as much a starting point as any negative comment is a step back.

      Were you to tell me I looked particularly wonderful, hott, sexy, (insert your adjective here, I won’t try to stop you), a guy’s first thought is that maybe he has a chance (YES, it always comes down to that and you can thank us later for perpetuating the species), immediately followed by “Wait, am I being punked?”

      Neither response has anything to do with us or how we look at ourselves. This is not to say we don’t look at ourselves nor have body issues, we do but the minute you find us the least bit attractive, our little head takes over and does all the thinking. Have you seen the size of our little head? Even in a porn star, the little head hasn’t much room for brains. It has two thoughts; the first is to search and the second to explore.

      So we guys have a hard time understanding why you women don’t think the same way. We know you do, we know you are entitled to, we know nothing we say will change it but we still don’t get it, and when you dismiss our compliments (or what we believe to be a compliment), it frustrates us. Really, that was all I was trying to say.

      • Toy With Me

        And there lies the difference between males and females. Our brains are programmed differently and neither sex is wired to completely comprehend where the other is coming from.

  6. Kim D

    Peter sounds adorable but unfortunately, all the other 40+ men out there are looking for 25 year old hard bodies with perky boobs and miniskirts, not the 40+ women this website is aimed at.

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