For my first contribution (I say first ‘cause I hope ToyWithMe will let me write more in the future), I was simply going to go through each of the previous articles and comment on them from a man’s perspective (the presumption being, I have dangly bits, therefore I am a man. I’m male, anyway). It was fun at first, poking holes in everything other people said and being ‘a typical guy’ about the whole thing, but I soon came to discover the true intent of this site.
It’s not a sex toy site (although they do provide them), not a sex advice site (although they provide that too). It’s more, much more. What I saw was a site dedicated to helping women find that which they lost. This made every guy statement I wrote seem contrite and self serving, bordering on adversarial. Sure, it was funny but hardly added to what this site is striving to become. Of course, that doesn’t mean any future contributions won’t put the bullseye square on your forehead … just not this one.
No, for this one, I think I want to play detective and help all you women find that which you lost; your youthful sexuality. Indeed, ToyWithMe’s ABOUT section says it all: turned 40, got grey hairs, hot flashes, a dried up vagina and a mood ring that changed colour more often then a chameleon sliding down a rainbow. Now what guy could resist all that, right?
Of course, it’s easy for me to say. I’m a guy; I get erect when a woman licks a popsicle. But if I’ve learned one thing over the last 30 years of rejections it’s women need more then visual stimuli to be made to feel sexy. For you, it’s all in the mind and in the heart, none of which you ladies have lost (well, in some cases it may look like you’ve lost your minds, but that’s a different article all together).
You see, ‘lost’ means to misplace with little to no hope of ever finding again. I don’t believe this to be true. I think you have conveniently tucked your sexuality away and quietly given up on it. And when we men dare to remind you of it (mostly ‘cause we’re horny, let’s be honest), you remember exactly where it is. You just haven’t the desire or confidence to take out it and use it.
Which is a shame, because if we go through the effort of reminding you that you still have it, it’s because we still see and long for it. Yes, I get Brittany Gibbons’ comments on her Huffington Post article “What Happened When I Had Sex Every Day For A Year” about guys not understanding, about how you don’t see what we men see and how it’s you and not us. But the one thing you can’t ignore is that WE SEE SOMETHING WE DESIRE (yes, I am yelling at you). You don’t have to take our word for it but at least use it as a starting point.
Re-discovering your sexuality can be as great an adventure as when you first discovered it, waaaaayyyyy back in the day (and if you have a willing travel companion, all the better). But, like any journey of 1000 miles, it has to start with the first step. Indulge yourself, enjoy yourself, enjoy your partner, play, experiment but above all else. DON’T judge. Not everything is going to work out the way you envisioned it. If you didn’t care for something, simply don’t repeat it, but don’t not try something because of a stigma or past encounter. You’re a different person now, give yourself permission to be different. Give yourself permission to grow … and to fall short every now and again.
If there are any guys reading this, the only thing I can say to you is be patient and encouraging. Right now, she will need to take some time to regain her confidence. Give it to her. Re-enforce the chandelier and four point restraint system later. For now, just be there. Remind her why you love her, why she gets you all revv’d up and why she’s perfect just the way she is.
Which leads me to my last point: You may have noticed (the guys wouldn’t but seriously, how much do we really pay attention) I have not mentioned your sagging boobs, or being overweight or any other aspect of your body you hate. That’s because it doesn’t matter (“Where you’re from, it doesn’t matter, what you wear, it doesn’t matter, the way you move, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter how you cut your hair …”). It’s what’s inside that counts. If you have a problem with your body, either change it or learn to accept it, but STOP using it as an excuse not to move forward.
Seriously, most of us aren’t in the same shape we were in when we married you and we are still enthusiastic about the prospect of shagging you on a nightly basis. So unless you are trying to get the 20 something from your office into the supply cupboard, stop worrying about who you were and start enjoying who you’ve become. I’ll bet you’re a better person now anyway, and isn’t that what’s most attractive about all of us?
Have you ever lost your sexuality? How did you find your way back? Do body issues affect your relationship when it comes to being intimate? We welcome you to share your thoughts in the comments below so we can help one another overcome these problem areas and move forward to a passionate and fulfilling sex life.
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