Oooooh, a spanking!” ~ Monty Python’s Holy Grail
I typed “spanking” into the Google search bar just for giggles. I don’t know what I found more curious – that there’s an actual Wikipedia entry for spanking (this is necessary?) or that there’s a spanking club in New York City (read: awesome!). There’s even a handy-dandy guide to spanking for newbies on that site. Man, the shit you find at 11pm on the interwebz when you mistakenly took a muscle relaxer instead of a Claritin.
But Redhead (you ask), what does this all mean?
Well, my precious little monkeys, it means that there are resources for everything and I’m one of them. There are no dumb questions on Dear Redhead. You can even don a Cloak of Invisibility and have your questions addressed sans stigma. If more people felt comfortable asking questions about sex, dating and relationships, there’d be a lot more boning and a lot less fighting going on. After all, I do maintain that blow jobs can bring about world peace. Major props to the Kinky Jew for her post earlier this week on exploring BDSM and the accepting nature of that community. If you haven’t given it a read, it’s titillating to say the least!
I had more questions in my inbox than I could handle this week, so some will spill over into next week’s column. After all, since I’ve already shown you my boobs, I have to keep you coming back somehow! This week, we’re chatting about the elusive myth of the female orgasm and the skinny on sexual attraction.
Can you tell me what percentage of women actually have orgasms just through intercourse without clitoral stimulation? Most women I talk to cannot. I think that is more the norm.
Dear Statistically Confused~
Let me just whip-out my crystal ball and see here…hmmm….I have no fucking clue. But I will tell you that in my case, the two most certainly go together. I did some digging for you and found a very useful piece online (courtesy of Brown University’s Health Education Program!) that I think is spot-on. Pun intended.
Here’s the truth from The Redhead: every woman’s body is different. Some women have overly sensitive and prominent G-spots and other women have clitorises that a stiff breeze could arouse. I think masturbation and an open dialogue with a patient sexual partner is the key to finding out not only what you like but how you can best communicate to a partner what you like. As the owner of both a clitoris and a G-spot (shit howdy), I can tell you that there are even days where one is more willing to play at the playground than the other.
We are human beings, not mechanized things you can pick up on an end cap at Walmart underneath a maniacal yellow smiley face “Roll Back!” sign. If you never have an orgasm via your G-spot, you won’t be the only gal in that boat. But in that case, it’s your responsibility to communicate to your partner that fact. Letting your partner know how they can please you sure as hell beats any statistics I can throw out there that will either make you feel awesome or like an outcast.
And here’s the other part of this equation: don’t fake it. Shut your whore mouths and quit faking orgasms, ladies. You know what? It’s a lie. You’re lying to your partner. If your bedmate is just a zipless sport fuck you’ve brought home for the night, fine. Faux-moan your little vulva out. But if you’re bedding a true partner quit faking and start communicating. There is nothing that makes a man or woman feel more like a rock star than bringing their partner to a slot machine-like, eye-rolling, knee-quivering orgasm that leaves them a mere puddle of a human being.
So screw statistics and start touching yourself naughty. Get your partner on in there, too. And if all else fails, you can get one of these. If that won’t give her a full on gushing G-spot orgasm then nothing, and I mean nothing ever will.
Dear Redhead ~
When I met my girl I was over 250 lbs, flabby and pasty white. She was 110lbs, petite, and her body and personality were retardedly hot. Now I’m almost 200lbs, gaining some muscle and starting to go tanning. She’s still 100lbs, petite and retardedly hot. But as time goes on, there’s less fire in the bed.
Now…I’m a guy. Foreplay and sex are things I’m down for 24/7 at the drop of a hat. But when I do things like cuddle, touch her gently, kiss, or go out of my way to do something nice, none of it results in getting the vibe that she’s interested in getting anything on. Meanwhile she’ll watch me playing cornhole and get totally turned on and not say anything to me. Then she complains that we don’t get it on more.
I have no idea what the hell is going on. Am I just more attractive as a pasty, flabby guy? Or has that fiery physicality from when we first met finally worn off and there’s just nothing there anymore? Help!
Dear Fire Starter ~
First of all, congrats on focusing on you and putting in the effort to improve yourself. When we’re happy about our bodies, we experience a whole different kind of confidence which most definitely translates to the sack.
I can’t fathom what’s going on with your girl. Have you tried (gasp) talking to her? Maybe she has a kink for watching you masturbate. If that’s the case, hey – I can think of more complicated kinks to deal with in a relationship. If that’s the case, hell…make it a part of your regular sex play and it’ll turn you on to see her get turned on. Then bone like teenagers behind the bleachers at homecoming, yo?
Perhaps your girl has a preference for big guys. There are plenty of gals (and guys) out there who prefer ample lovers. If this is the case, she should tell you that. But you’re never going to know unless you open the floodgates of communication.
Here’s my issue with this scenario (and understand that my knowledge is limited to what you’ve shared): when you try to do “relationship” things, she’s shutting you out and then complaining that there’s not more boning. Seriously!? There’s a woman out there that’s dissing a dude’s affections and do-nice efforts? I kinda wanna slap her as she makes it look bad for the rest of us. It’s usually the other way around: we’re begging for more of the intimacy.
Being intimate with someone is different from having sex with someone. In a recent conversation with my partner, we smiled when we realized: talking is the most intimate thing we do. That communication leads to better sex, better days and a better understanding of what we each expect, are challenged by and that which freaks our respective shit completely out. Intimacy leads to long-term relationships. Having sex with someone leads to…well, more sex and a hefty tab at the drug store for condoms and lube.
My best advice is to sit down and talk with your girl. If you’re interested in a relationship with her, you need to develop some intimacy (which she currently shuns). And I don’t really think she’s in any position to complain about not having sex when you and Captain Fantastic are ready to go at the drop of a hat, 24/7. There’s something that’s not being said here and while it may be uncomfortable to unearth, you’re doing both you and her a huge disservice if you don’t try to dig it up.
In the spirit of “no dumb questions,” we can talk about what’s weird, right? This week, we’re giving away some more sexy Jimmy Jane massage oil candles for the best comment. While wax on the nipples has become a cliche, we want to hear:
What’s the weirdest thing a lover has ever asked you to do in bed?
We’ll pick the winner at 5pm EST on Tuesday November 17th so stay tuned and leave a comment. Your kinks are safe with us