When I made the leap from child who had to simply show up to Christmas to person who had to drag my sorry ass from holiday to ever-loving holiday, I learned very quickly that the holidays weren’t really about me anymore. They were kind of about me showing up and bringing my sweet charming ass (shut it, peanut gallery), my presents, my kid, my husband, and then catering to the whim of everyone else involved. This is married life. Or, at the very least, life as a twosome.
In order not to kill anyone over a rogue cheese log or an overstuffed sausage roll, I also learned that I had one of two options to maintain my sanity: mind-altering substances or The Sex. Since one leaves me gasping for air and grouchy the whole next day, and one just leaves me gasping for air and satisfied, I’ll let you guess which one is my Drug of Choice.
SAY MY NAME, BITCH
Logistically, though, that turns into kind of a nightmare. Especially when you’re sharing a room with your children or even just smaller quarters with your Uncle Bernie and Aunt Mildred. It’s hard to install a sex swing when it’s not your ceiling to deface, and it’s hard to scream “SAY MY NAME, BITCH” when little Suzie is a mere 2 feet away from you. It requires a whole level of stealthiness that someone as bumbling as me—the same person who broke her toe making a sandwich–doesn’t really possess. So for years, it was boring, tame Christmas Sex, had on uncomfortable futons and couches until something beautiful happened: we had a mess of kids.
Christmas Sex Is ON This Year
When we had a mess of kids, I began to use the “n” word. The “n” word, of course, being “no.” Meaning, hells to the no we’re not traveling this Christmas. So Christmas Sex is ON this year. The problem is, after years of being stuck in shitty hotel rooms or stuffed into closet-like guest bedrooms, I’m not really sure what that means. While we certainly PLAY Santa to our children, I’m not really sure that the Jolly Man In Red has ever really turned me on, especially since I was tapped to play him one year at work (Just. Don’t. Ask.). Besides, Dave weighs about 12 pounds, and we don’t own a Santa suit. AND THAT IS NOT AN INVITATION TO BUY ME ONE, INTERNET.
I’ve considered buying a Sassy Mrs. Claus outfit, but really, I’m still lugging some baby weight and it would make me feel less sexy and more Oompa-Loompa-y this year, so that’s kind of a bust. There’s nothing that says “come hither, Santa Baby” like weeping about being ugly and fat while wearing something that ridiculous. I’m keeping that idea in mind, though, for next year. So check back later, Toy With Me-ers.
Hel-lo Boner-Killer
As a gag gift, though, I’m strongly considering buying my husband a G-String costume for his weenier. I found one online that would dress his johnson as a whimsical candy cane and while I had HEARD rumors that there existed others out there that may have dressed weenies as such Christmas treats as packages, Santa’s, reindeer, and snowmen, I was unable to find evidence of them. Probably because my computer caught a virus from searching for “penis Christmas costumes.” Maybe that’s for the best though. Because I think if The Daver walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom wearing a candy cane costume on his weenis AND HE WAS SERIOUS I’m really not sure I could hold back the giggles. I can barely make it through a death scene in a movie without laughing (I have issues with Serious Things) and the candy cane, I mean, COME ON. HILARITY. Awesome HILARITY. And it would take a strong man to not lose all boner prowess if his wife was rolling around on their bed, screaming and crying with laughter. Plus, that would wake up all of the kids, who would wonder why their mom was hysterical and come in to investigate.
Hel-lo boner-killer.
Trim My Tree With Care
And after all that deliberating, I’m guessing that the best way to ring in the Christmas Spirit, though, is to probably not over-think it too much. Because, Lord knows, if I have some elaborate plan for some Christmas Balling, I’ll be lucky if I get a Christmas cookie. Which, let’s face it, if it were delicious enough…anyway. After the good little kids have been duct-taped to bed with visions of Santa Claus skipping over our house if they’re caught wandering the halls. And after the presents have been painstakingly assembled, piece-by-ever-loving-tiny-piece, the stockings hung by the chimney with care, I think that what this Santa, Baby needs is someone to trim her tree with care.
And then it will be a Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. Or, at least it better freaking be. Or Santa, Baby’s pocket pal, Big Pink will be making an appearance.
This week we are giving one of our lucky readers a fabulous Christmas present courtesy of Astroglide! Tell us your sexy holiday story in the comments below for a chance to win a gift baskest full to the brim of slippery goodness. We will choose a winner tomorrow at 5pm EST!
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
“Probably because my computer caught a virus from searching for “penis Christmas costumes.””
Bwaa haaaa haaa!
Maybe NEXT year I’ll have a sexy Christmas story to share….
So I was all I am NOT going to buy that costume for Daver’s wang and then by the time I decided to to it? TOTALLY SOLD OUT. Between the time I wrote this (in the afternoon) and the time I told Dave about this (that evening).
COLOR ME MAD.
If you buy The Daver that candy cane get up, you’re going to need to dye your pubes green and throw on some tinsel. I’ll let you two figure out where to hang the balls.
I left myself WIIIIDEEE open for that, didn’t I? Heh. AND AGAIN.
Wide open, indeed. Don’t you wonder what would happen if the kids found that candy cane mess in the laundry basket? Probably wear it like a hat. And then how’d you feel?
Personally, I’d laugh my ass off.
I’m a little scared of the candy cane penis. Like he may need to see a doctor scared.
A sexy Christmas story? Well, I think it would have the be my upcoming one. I bought my boyfriend (he’s a crossdresser) a cute little Santa costume, and I’m looking forward to him flouncing around the house for the Holidays. There will be lots of fun times to be had.
Well I’m glad that you are gonna get some this Christmas, and also that I had the pleasure of seeing that candy-cane peen again. I can’t believe it’s sold out! THAT many people bought it for the holidays? Ok I want one, and a George Clooney to wear it for me…
I don’t have a sexy holiday story but when my daughter did spray my sex toy cleaner in her hair, thinking it was hairspray. Since we’re veering off into the kids finding your “stuff” kind of topic.
Okay, this isn’t really a sexy story but it’s all I got (unless you count the time I got caught screwing under the Christmas tree and in the hustle to cover my goodness I ended up with a black eye).
I have a mess of kids, too. Which means that while at the in-laws, the kids got the sleeper sofa in one room and the husband and I got the larger (aka more uncomfortable) sleeper in the living room. For the story to make any sense, I have to tell you guys that the living room is located between the kitchen and the door to the garage. When the sleeper is pulled out to it’s King-sized glory, one has to schooch around the perimeter of the bed to get anywhere in the house.
So it’s Christmas Eve and I’m wearing my black velvet pajamas to bed (I know, meoow, right?). But the in-laws have the heater cranked to somewhere in the “I’m Fucking Melting” range. So the covers get kicked off and then somehow, some way, my lovely black velvet pants creep down my hips and below my ass . Thankfully I’m wearing a festive Christmas themed G-string complete with a pretty red bow on the back. Unfortunately, my father-in-law is an early riser and likes to get breakfast going at 6:00 am sharp. So as he moves from the kitchen to the garage where he keeps his six pounds of bacon and everything else he needs to make breakfast, he has to schooch around my gift wrapped ass which is now completely exposed to the elements.
Merry Christmas, Pops!
You know, if you were Jewish, you wouldn’t have to schlep here and there and everywhere. You could just install the sex swing, and enjoy it while thinking of all the poor schlubs who will be stuck in traffic and dealing with annoying, drunk relatives this weekend!
Yes….. join us on the dark side…. we have baked goods!
“There’s nothing that says “come hither, Santa Baby” like weeping about being ugly and fat while wearing something that ridiculous.”
oh, i don’t know about that.
KinkyJew, I’m very, VERY tempted. Also, everyone thinks I’m Jewish as is.
Oh aunt Becky, this one shoulda had a warning about reading it at work. YOU.KILL.ME!!!
Love it, love it, love it…..I too would burst into laughter if my hubby walked out wearing a candy cane on his weenis..
who comes up with these things??
candy cane weenis? OMG. thats a little creepy!!!!!!
i dont really have a sexy christmas story……
im hoping Mr.Man can stay sober enough that i can actually GET SOME Christmas sex thisyear!!!!!!!!!
My sexy christmas story.
I do not have children, nor will I ever. Not by choice mind you. But I do currently have step “children”. by “children” I mean they are 19, 22, 24, and 26. I was just currently married into this family life.
Last year… before marriage and the fact that we have 4 kids now… my now hubby is a truck driver…. meaning he is gone for weeks at a time. He was due in christmas eve, so I went a shoppin….. and got 1 big bow and 2 tassle like bows. I think you know where those go! Well he called said he was on his way…about an hour out…so I finished up our dinner and decorated the table and house all nice like…. and got myself ready too. He was to come in and smell a wonderful dinner and see me in well just some bows. Yeah… what he forgot to tell me was that he was surprising me with the kids all at home for christmas eve!!!
Yeah… He and 4 kids (and 4 grandkids) all walk in together and im standing there in all my glory … oh and 3 bows!!!!!!!!
What about some sort of cute belt with mistletoe attached to the area above your sexy spot? I’m all preggers and huge, but think I’m gonna go for it anyway…why not? I also have a red feather boa to wear with it
I use sex as a stress reliever too. Which is lucky for my husband because I’m pretty much always stressed.
I wish I had known such things as penis costumes existed. I soooo would have gotten one for Kent. If only to see the horrified look on his face when he opened it in front of his parents.
I’d watch out about trying to wear lingerie while pregnant! I put on a babydoll-style number that would accommodate my belly once during my first pregnancy, and when my husband (who is normally a very understanding guy) saw me he chuckled and made a noise like “bwomp”, and I ended up crying for a long time instead of having sex. I will vouch for the fact that crying while wearing lingerie of any type is not hot.
I don’t have a sexy story so much as fond rememberings (since I now have a kid and am about to pop out another one). My husband and I used to make it a tradition to decorate the Christmas tree nekkid, and while my 2 year old daughter might enjoy doing that herself, it might scar her if Mommy and Daddy joined her and decorated in the buff. We also used to have a tradition that we’d eat a romantic Christmas eve dinner on a blanket on the floor in front of the fireplace with all the lights except the Christmas tree off, and then have relations in the living room before hanging our stockings. This one could still work, except for the fact that Christmas gets so much more labor-intensive once you have kids and we are both just exhausted by the time we get our daughter in bed on Christmas Eve.
Instead of telling sexy stories I think I just depressed myself
I think I sort of depressed myself too! Now I need that candy cane wang costume to laugh at. I MEAN, drool over?
(by drool over, I mean laugh at. OBVIOUSLY)
I think I’d rather see a candy cane weenis than one with a red nose. I’d wonder if it was the costume or something the doctor should check out….
Well, in our house we had the unwelcome guest of Aunt Flo … that bitch won’t stay away from a fucking family holiday.
Good luck with your non-plans!
and right then in there, that damn penis outfit managed to make me quite happy that we don’t have a penis to hang it on in THIS house!
wait. you said you were going to “droll over” the penis costume???
that’s a little too close for comfort, because to droll over it means… well. nevermind.
I can’t seem to peel my eyes off of *Santa* long enough to read the article.
If it has anything to do with having him for Christmas
– count me in!!
giggle blue, because bwahahahaha! I love you. Seriously, girl, I do.
rk – Congratulations!! You are the winner of our comment contest!
Thanks for a great laugh and I hope you enjoy your basket full of lube over the holidays
rk – I love you. Marry me. That was the BEST story ever!!
Oh, really fun article! Some hilarity in the comments, too!
I don’t have kids, so we’re still doing the “OMG hustle to many different people’s homes to celebrate” thing, fortunately his relatives do a shindig on xmas eve so we can hang with mine on the day.