I’m pretty fabulous, you know.
I know I like to joke about lame being my default position, but it’s not. Awesome is my default. I just don’t want to flaunt it so I can seem accessible to the common people. Yet despite all this awesome wonderfulness following me around, I cannot say that I am completely fabulous because I don’t have any gays.
Now I know that I have all you Toy with Mes and that totally makes you an entourage of sorts and I love, love, love that, and if I could have sweaty sex with every last one of you I would, but I’m betting you’re all just a bunch of straight people around here, right?
That’s why I need to get me some gays.
Or maybe even an entourage of gays.
And I want them all to look like this proud fellow:
Can’t you just picture us walking into Target together? Only he’d be lugging the baby carrier for me because just look at those guns!
But sadly for me, I don’t even have any gay friends, but I’ve dated a few gay guys who were still trying to make themselves like boobies at the time.
The first ‘mo I dated was Eric. He was super cute, and he loved Madonna. He even had a license plate that said MDONNA, and his favorite thing was dressing up like her. His skin was sooooo smooth and soft, and HELLO! That boy was as gay as the day was long, but I was only 18 at the time and I tried to kiss him because I thought he liked me. After all, he asked me out on a date and was acting like a straight guy except for the smooth skin thing and the Madonna thing and as it turns out, Nooooooo.
I kissed him and he ran away and never called me again. He literally ran out the door, hopped into his car and peeled out.
Had I played my cards right and been smart about it, I would have just put in a Madonna CD and let him try on my clothes, and then I could have had me a very nice gay fella.
We would have been just like Will & Grace.
I kick myself for that, and I find myself wishing Eric was on his way over here right now to drink some wine, watch Project Runway, and make fun of straight guys with me. (Sorry straight dudes, I love you all, but you know you’re kind of stupid, right?)
After the Eric situation, you’d think I’d have learned a little something, but nay, nay Toy with Mes. I’m a slow learner because a couple of years after Eric came Adam.
Like Eric, Adam was a cutie patootie. He was a jewelry designer whose turn-ons included anything by Ralph Lauren, interior design, avant-garde art, and kittens. He always smelled incredible and looked as pretty as a picture in a magazine.
I KNOW! I told you I’m kind of a fucktard.
And he wanted to like boobies, but it just wasn’t working. He was horrible in the boudoir, but I kept sleeping with him hoping it would get better, but it didn’t.
Do you have any idea what it’s like for a woman to have sex with a gay man?
It’s not good you guys, not good at all because the whole time, they’re totally screaming inside their heads and they want to run away so badly, but they stick it out and then jump out of bed and take a shower to wash all the yucky girl cooties off of them because OH GOD IT BURNS!
I cannot tell you what it does for a girl’s self-esteem when the guy you just had The Sexy Time with blows his load on your back and then jumps out of the bed trying to discreetly cover his mouth so he doesn’t throw up on his new scatter rug from Pottery Barn.
I wish my gay-dar had been existent at the time. It could have saved us all from some pain and humiliation, but I was a youngin’ and I didn’t know any better. I just thought we were soul mates because we were so similar.
I dated that Adam guy for about two months before the sun came over the mountain and I was confronted with the truth about him. I used to hang out at his apartment, and he had this friend named Paulie. He would call every ten minutes while I was there. Literally. I thought that was a little strange until one night I was over there when Paulie stopped by, and to make a long story short, I caught a reflection of them kissing in the mirror. Needless to say, that was a big light bulb moment. I got my coat, left quietly, and sat by the phone for a week waiting for Adam to call me, but he never did. I never heard from him again, actually. I found out from a mutual friend that he now works as a lion tamer in the circus.
I shit you not.
Gay, gay, gay, gay, GAY.
And that sucks that it had to go down that way because I really liked him, and it would have been fine with me to just be his fruit fly. I’d love to be the kind of girl who hangs out at gay bars and comes home covered in glitter and singing “It’s Raining Men.” That’s what I assume goes on in gay bars, but I really have no idea because I’ve never been to one.
The only gay guys you see around here in suburbia are the Woodland Gays who lurk in the woods at the park. They scope out my husband when he takes the kids for a hike. I’d ask him to collect a few phone numbers for me, but those aren’t the kind of gays I want to be friends with, so I’m thinking of taking him to a gay bar as my bait. Gay men seem to love him, but that’s a story for next week…
Possibly related goodness:
About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
To funny and I’d like a few too.
I have gays and it’s glorious. God I love them.
gay men DO seem to be attracted to me.
i think it’s the very unique combo of metrosexual/frat boy/tech nerd/psychonaut/hillbilly macguyver i bring to the table.
well, that and the bulge in my skinny jeans.
are you REALLY ready to use me as bait? dangling me dangerously close to that which has already taken so much from you???
Gay friends are like icing on a cake, a girl would not be complete without either.
When I was a freshman in college (lo those many years ago) my best friend from high school came out of the closet. He would take me to all of the gay clubs in town – those guys really know how to party! (The drag contests were amazing) I’d visit him at his college and we’d hang out with his friends and had a great time. (the only downside was having to explain to several “interested parties” that I really was straight and not just denying my true inner nature).
you need a gay posse to complete the QOFE entourage. I think Mr. CP can handle it. He might be flattered at the attention.
I am a HUGE magnet for gay men. Not in a “crap I thought he was straight” trying to date kinda way. I hang out at multiple gay bars & have a million times more fun then I would ever have at a straight one. (Ok..well I am also bi, not in a for kicks way, but in a I could see myself with either sex dating way…but that is beside the point.) The best friends I have ever had have been gay. It’s not sought out. It’s the way it’s always been. Best time, best fun, & greatest friend I have ever had has been a gay man. Go forth & find yourself your entourage.
Have you tried placing a really carefully worded ad on craigslist? You know, Queen seeks entourage of gays…..necessary to complete the overall effect of Queendom…. something to that effect. Just sayin. I have certainly seen stranger things on there. You never know, you too could meet your gay soulmate through the craigslist.
I am the straightest man in the entire world, yet women treat me like I am their gay boyfriend.
I had a gay friend but we didn’t keep in touch. He was always too immersed in finding his soul mate…and in the process ignoring his friends…
They are fun to be around with though…
Mr. Toy With Me- You mean they ask you to do their highlights and try on dresses for you? That’s sweet. That’s how people treat my husband, too. It must be a thing.
what?
i like hair. on HEADS.
and you’re just jealous because i don’t bloat two weeks out of a month.
CP, never trust someone that can bleed for 5 days straight and doesn’t die as a result.
Crissy, I am pretty much Dr. Phil to every woman I meet. For some reason they feel the need to share every dark little secret or problem with me. Maybe I need to start acting like the sexual predator that I am so they back the hell off.
Oh thank God I was brought up in the theater. Thank God for my dearly departed grandmother who had the wisdom to not discriminate against anyone for anything. And she was born in 1919.
I’ve got my gays. My gaydar was way off when I was just a wee little thing running around the theater with my cute little grade school crushes on all these gay men. They were the “funnest” to hang around.
Now I get to sit with my gays during parties and celebrations and make fun of everyone else in the room. It is a dream come true.
For the first time I think the Queen of F’ing everything might have something to be jealous that I have and that she doesn’t. Said while bowing in front of my QOFE picture I keep on the wall.
I dated and slept with a gay guy when I was 18 and the part about them wanting to puke afterward is head on (pun intended). Ahhhhh, memories.
I love that Eric wasn’t just gay, he was Siegfried and f-ing Roy gay.
That’s like GAY with glitter on top.
Feel the lezzy love.
Dude, your jewelery-designer-turned-lion-tamer is fantastic. (His boyfriend was a twink, huh? Or maybe he was the twink and practiced his lion taming on his bear…) I’m sorry he was using you for his straight front, though. That sucks. (No pun intended.)
Just prepare yourself to have a-whole-another level of drama. The really flamboyant ones, I find, nitter just as much as chicks. And they’re such drama queens! (Okay, that one was intended.)
In college I had a couple of gay friends. Gay friend #2 was amazing because he was also a drag queen. He had pretty dresses and pretty wigs, and he wore 4 pairs of nylons…I have no idea why, but FOUR PAIRS at the same time! I went to see him put on a show and say by his boyfriend Gay Friend #1. I loved that place because there were burly Harley guys kissing on their Harley boyfriends and little old men grandpa guys kissing on their grandpa boyfriends, and there was also the super hot and sexy frat boys kissing on their super hot and sexy frat boyfriends.
Lots and lots of interesting relationships……….
My Ex-brother-in-Law was gay. As in I met him when he was performing Frank in the Rocky Horror Picture Show gay. Over the years we had alot of fun & when running around in fishnets and high heels became not enough for him I started going along with him to his drag shows. Eventually I got recruited as a backup dancer (he usually performed at lesbian bars with performers of both sexes) & that was all well and good until after a performance in ‘It’s Raining Men’ where I played ‘Mother Nature’; a newspaper came and did a story on the show and had an accompanying photo with it. There was me in the photo with the caption stating that I was the Drag Queen. I stopped performing with him after that; it just didn’t sit right with me that they thought I was the man. :/ Besides; he was upset that the paper thought I was more fabulous than him.
As for gaydar; I used to think mine was ok until I eventually found out my now Ex-Husband (yes; ex brother-in-law above’s older brother) was gay (heh, his name was Eric too btw). Just be happy you didn’t marry em.
My first boyfriend ever? Gay. And everyone knew that… EXCEPT ME. In my early 20′s I had crush after crush on guys who would eventually sit me down and say “Sweetie, we need to talk…” and then proceed to tell me that frankly, even if I had the equipment they wanted, they weren’t interested. (OUCH!)
For the record, though.. Gay bars are a MILLIONTY times more fun than straight bars.
Oh cruel geography…what I wouldn’t give for a sharp-witted mom friend….
I am soooo with you on this one! I, too, would LOVE to have a gay friend, but, unfortunately, I only know a bunch of horny heterosexual males. If I found my gay friend soulmate, we’d gossip and shop and do each other’s hair. It’d be heavenly! If you end up finding one for yourself, please see if he has another friend and tell him to circle YES or NO if he’d like to be my gay friend, ok?
I loved it when he blew his load on your back and had to try to keep from vomiting. I wonder why it is gay guys like boobs so much. I get hit on by gay guys sometimes and I used to think I was homophobic because it kind of bothered me. But then I realized that they were just creepy guys, gay or straight, and no one likes to get hit on by creepy guys. Best of luck to you finding your gay friend!
excellent point, amorousman.
creepy knows no boundaries.
I dated a guy who turned out to be gay (or at least bi) in my youth. Like YOUR gay, he was gorgeous. Gorgeous. I did enjoy the glares from other women when I was out with him. Probably there were glares from men too but I was too much in love with his glory to notice. Yeah, I wish we were still in touch too. Because I heard that he is living a fabulous life sort of like Sex In the City. *sigh*
I’m sure at least half of the straight women in America have dated at least one gay. I was practically in love with this one guy who claimed he was bi at the time. We spent all these times together, held hands and cuddled. All that closeness was wonderful, but for him it was not enough to kiss or talk about us together. I knew I was just kidding myself (or did I?) but I kept denying it. It didn’t help when he said he liked me, blahbity blah. I was only 16.
We remained close friends after my feelings for him passed, and let me tell you. Hanging out with gays can be so much fun. He took me to my first gay club (primarily men) and I could barely resist myself from touching all these smooth topless bodies.
Oh, and my first real kiss happened in a bar on gay night too. And I’m still with the guy that I kissed. But I assure you, he is 100% straight. We just went with a friend of a friend who wanted to check out a drag queen show.
ZOMG! I never dated a gay! ZOMG! But they all looooove The Daver who looks like a Tink. Or whatever.
Funnest night ever was going to a drag show at a gay bar, with a big crowd of military dudes, mostly marines (all of us totally straight, and some of us were hopelessly christian). I’ve never seen so many terrified marines in one room, when “Cher” came down off stage and started rubbing up on them hahahah
Dude I love my gays.
I have Gays in 3 countries! Thats how much Ilovethem/theyloveme.
Its often a hair thing. My Gays all love my hair (Very Long, Blonde, Straight, Real)
I’ll go to a Gay bar and get swamped by the campy young pretty gay men all doing the whole “Ohmygosh I love your hair! Is it real?! Let me touch it?!” Then we just start talking about hair and ohmygosh I love Lady Gaga too!!
They are bitchier than women, most of the time more fun, love drinking wine and vodka, enjoy checking out other men and honestly tell you when you look like shit.
One bad thing is they are often skinny. If they are skinnier than me, it makes me grumpy
it's great that you love gay people. i think the popular opinion of homosexuality is shifting in a positive direction. but can you please please PLEASE not refer to them as "your gays". or talk about these people like they're accessories or pets.
No thoughtful gay man is going to want to be some grace's will. it is extremely offensive, no matter how well-meaning.
just like sexuality, there's a whole rainbow of personalities. you can't go out and shop for a homo and then have him sit there on your bed fanning you and feeding you ice cream as you complain about your problems with straight men, avoiding talking about his own civil rights problems and how he could be murdered for talking the wrong way and wearing the wrong clothes, and be blamed for it.
i think if you want to meet some gay people because you identify with their problems and want to help and possibly make some friends (who will want to talk about more than fashion and cosmos and straight men and buttsecks) maybe you should go out and help them with their cause. a moderately large city will have resources you can find on the internet.
kthanksbye,
a lifelong faghag