I have a new obsession. Maybe you’ve seen it too, and you’re secretly indulging right now. I didn’t tell my husband for a long time until one night he caught me: I watch “Millionaire Matchmaker.” No, this isn’t a review of a tv show; I barely have time to watch tv anymore, but if I am, and if it’s on: win! Anyway, this post is about what happened after the show: our fight about the dreaded “G,” Gold – Digger.
“I can’t believe they’re promoting gold – digging!” My husband shouted from the kitchen. “How is that setting a good example for young girls?!”
Leverage Your Assets?
What’s so wrong with gold – diggers? Why does our society look down on women (or men) who leverage their assets (as it were) to set themselves up in a comfortable lifestyle? Frankly, if you can… why not? Some people marry for looks, other for intelligence, and still others for a sense of humor, so why is it such a taboo to marry, or date, or even screw for money? Would it be ok if a gold – digger were seeing several men? Well, then I guess that would make her an escort, and we all know my feelings on them! So, just using one man for money is bad, but multiple men is ok?
Degrading To Women?
“It’s degrading to women! You, of ALL women, should be insulted by this.” It’s true. I hate that fucking commercial where a couple is standing watching a rain storm, the thunder suddenly pounds, and she jumps on her man like a frightened puppy. It’s fucking thunder bitch. What the fuck are you, five years old? Or those damn laundry commercials that almost always have only women losing their shit over some new stain fighter. You know who cooks and does the laundry in our house? My husband. Why? Because he’s good at that. I’m not. Welcome to the 21st century, dammit.
We’re All A Little Superficial
Anyway, no, I’m not insulted by these men and women, and here’s why: we go on and on about how ‘looks are not important,’ and ‘it’s the person inside that counts,’ only, it isn’t really, is it? Not that the inner person doesn’t count, but could you really be attracted to someone with open sores who picks their nose and flicks boogers all over the place, no matter HOW much community service they did? Let’s face it: we’re all a little superficial. Sure, there’s a range; maybe you’ll never marry a supermodel, but you probably weren’t disgusted by your partner at first sight, were you? I’m guessing not. So, yeah, looks do matter to a certain degree, to men and women.
And just like looks, why shouldn’t a partner’s bank account? If you’re willing to be with someone who you find “deficient” in some areas, but “enhanced” in the pocket, let’s say, is that ok? If we’re a truly open society, why should we care what two people of consenting age do, and what their reasons may be?
A Partner Who Will Look Good On My Arm
Now, there is always the argument of the old man and the younger woman, a la Anna Nicole Smith, who married someone probably twice, possibly three times, her age. Maybe it was love… more likely, it was the love of his wallet (I can’t imagine that she fell for his sexual prowess, flexibility, and his natural born skills at the Flying Butt Pliers). And there are some people who say that she took advantage of him. Ok, I can get behind that argument if the partner pulling the purse strings is, say, 120 years old, sure! But most of the people on these reality tv shows are, well, in their thirties. And they don’t come to “Millionaire Matchmaker” to find someone who will only love them for them. If that were the case, they would go on some matchmaking website! No, they come here because they know they’re walking into a certain relationship dynamic, and the “potential mates” are on the same page, don’t you think? “We all know we’re here because I want a partner who will look good on my arm, and I’ll pay for you to keep looking good.” What’s so wrong with that?
I’m Challenging This Stereotype
So, I’m challenging this stereotype. I say that there’s nothing wrong with being a gold – digger. I say that as long as both parties are aware of the fact that the wealthy partner is looking for a certain image, and the potential mate is able to uphold their side of that bargain; what’s the problem? Sure, when the mate gets older and no longer looks twenty or thirty or whatever, they may get kicked to the curb… but so could anyone! I’ve known people who have married for love, and one person sleeps with a younger person. Or maybe one day you walk home, and find out your partner up and left you. Hell, at least if you’re marrying for money/ looks, you both may have an idea of what’s coming. Like, “hey, I don’t look twenty anymore, maybe I should be keeping a closer eye on my mate! Or get ginormous breast implants/ liposuction!”
Is It Wrong To Want A Certain Lifestyle?
I think most people feel that we should all marry for love, and I agree; I think love is very important. But there are plenty of people who still get married through real matchmakers or arranged marriages, and the divorce rate is not so different from the general “love – focused” population. And those matches can be based on wealth of a family, or potential alliances of families, or just plain guess work. But the more I see people deciding, “You know, it actually really is important to me that my partner be able to support me in a certain lifestyle,” the more I want to say, “Yeah, that’s ok. You can want things that you’re not supposed to want, as told to us by Hollywood or fairy tales or our society. You can want that, as long as you’re honest.”
How is marrying for money any different than marrying for intelligence? Or sense of humor? Or because you met in high school, and you’re both just “comfortable”? I’m really interested to hear people’s opinions on this, because I’m surprised that I’m not more opposed myself. What are your feelings on the dreaded “Gold – Digger”?
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About the Author
The Kinky Jew and her husband got married last year, and live and work in the DC area with their two cats… who don’t actually work at all, but sort of freeload. KJ is a Consultant, and leads a very normal daytime job, which mostly includes Project Management, and working in a predominantly male dominated environment. The Kinky Jew also maintains a blog on PNN where she posts as Hannah Banana. She enjoys discussing sexuality, finance, religion, as well as any other topic that comes to mind.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Well, I’m married, and he doesn’t have gold to dig, so my opinions at this point are “it’s not my business, do what you want” for the most part.
To be honest, if someone chooses their partner, it’s their choice, I’d like to think anyone knows their gut enough to pick their mate for love or compatibility,etc, because I have a hard time feeling sorry for someone who knew they were choosing a gold digger, and then gets upset about it.
I mean, even on the show its pretty obvious who is there for the money, its called common sense. If you don’t want someone who wants just your money, try using it!
If you don’t pay attention to your mates agenda,just their “ass-ets”, then don’t be mad when they try to get your loot!
I just like the show, mostly.
What did you think of Gummy Bear???
I wanted to strangle him. Though, to be fair, he was at least honest about his feelings. He really didn’t lie about anything, and that’s somewhat refreshing. I just think that if *I* had to be in a room with him for longer than five minutes, only one of us was coming out alive, and my money is on me.
Thanks for the comment, Claire!! I think you hit the main point: as long as we’re all being honest, and nobody pretends to be shocked later on when your partner leaves for someone richer or younger, then it’s fine!
Well, I have to wonder if gold-digging is any different than someone having a sugar daddy. Maybe, because I associate the former with marriage/relationship, and the latter with more a an exchange of sex/company for financial support. I also consider the latter to be not much different than escorting/prostitution. Isn’t it, after all, technically just an exchange of goods and services? Would gold-digging qualify in that way, too?
I don’t know, but it’s interesting to consider, no?
I actually think I would have to say I have more respect for the people who are putting it out there. It’s the undercover gold-diggers who we all are somewhat disgusted by, the ones who proclaim love when we all just roll our eyes and think, “uh huh, girl, keep singing that song.”
Again, honesty is really the key, keep it real and no harm no foul.
And how can you POSSIBLY go on a show like Millionaire Matchmaker and think you’re going to find your one true love?! No, I mean, I guess they can HOPE that love will find them, but CASH MONEY brought them together.
I think it’s interesting to see how few people are offended by this. Then again, people have married off their children for the very same reasons for thousands of years. I guess *we’re* the anomaly.
heh…. I have been CALLED a gold digger, and while I did take mild offense to the term, I have to say, really- it’s not all that bad.
I prefer to think of it as a more pragmatic approach to mating- I fell in love with a man with little money, and no ambition. He was cute, intelligent, and we were the best of friends. I went to college to get a good job, and support myself in a certain lifestyle- should I have detracted from my OWN wants and needs (and those of my daughter) to help support him? I thought not, and so I ended the relationship, found a man on a more financially equal level, and am now happily married.
What I find most interesting in my situation is that NEITHER my current husband, nor the previous boyfriend were referred to as gold-diggers. My husband having a similar income to mine at the time, and the boyfriend being dirt-ass poor. It’s an intriguing double standard- is it possible that there ARE male gold-diggers out there? And do they have their own special term? Inquiring minds would like to know!!
I had high aspirations of being a trophy wife. Like for serious.
PMM – Actually, it’s funny you ask that question, because they kinda made this BIG DEAL on the show when they finally had a single WOMAN who was looking for a man. It was like this, “HOLY SHIT” moment, which you can take or leave in itself as offensive, and of course they didn’t call their women “gold diggers” so they w0uldn’t call the single male potentials “gold-diggers” either… but no, I bet there isn’t a term. “A Kept Man” would probably be as close as you would get to it, and it doesn’t have the same connotation as “gold-digger.”
Aunt Becky – Hey, if whatever you have going on right now doesn’t work out, they have websites for that kind of thing. But if you marry money, you gotta remember the little Jews who helped make it all possible (me). BTW, apropos of nothing: I like Chanel. Just sayin’.
Thanks guys!!!
You want an walk into the absurdedness of money? Try doing a googl search for Money Domme. Dear lord. I know that the reality of it is that there is a varying scale of how important money is to a given person and how much they’ll be blunt about it but still.
The Basic concept is that there is a girl who owns your wallet. You don’t pay her to humiliate you, the fact that you are paying her IS your humiliation. I’m assuming behind the scenes there is a certain amount of “Here’s my picture” but that’s never part of the deal up front anyway.
I’m heavily against ever paying for something sex related (beyond equipment) so I don’t know more, but GOD do I keep trying to see into that back window to find out more.
you go girl! marriage is an arrangement with goals and a mission and every couple has different reasons for entering into one. for many it is love, building a home, and raising a family. but for others it could be the partnership of has money/can pay & needs money/can service. and voila, there’s compatibility and a working relationship.
with all of the unhappy failed marriages out there, who the hell are we to judge? as my marriage becomes less about intimacy and more about companionship, i say what’s wrong with a fat wallet in this equation.
Claire- Gummy Bear is adorable. I’d totally go out with him!
Not to ignore your whole post or anything KJ, I just have to say that I love that show too! I’m totally hooked because anyone who can call somebody an “ugly firecrotch bitch” and then have them taken away is a personal hero.
You raised some good points there. I don’t see any harm in being a gold-digger. Everybody trades something for something else. Your husband gets a pay rise, he buys you a nice gift and you know he wants something in return. You get a bonus and you prepare something for the husband and you expect him to give you a massage or whatever rocks your boat.
Basically we are all whoring! ;d
Kudos to the person who started this site. I think this is the best site ever!
Hello Mercurial Wife! Yeah, I think life is about negotiating and compromise, and as long as everyone is honest about what they REALLY want… I sorta don’t see an issue with it. It’s when people lie and feign love that I think it’s “wrong.”
And yes. This is the best site ever. The other authors on here are HILARIOUS!!!! Except for Crissy who ignored my post.
No. Her too, i guess.
Feigning love is being a hypocrite. And I guess our society thrives on that alone!
BTW I signed up on PNN because of you! ;d
WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have managed to exert my minimal influence on someone!! I feel fulfilled as a human being.
You know, I would totally be a gold digger, if I could.
But now, with 1.5 children, and being over the age of 24 I just don’t think it’s possible.
I mean, I wouldn’t do the whole “75 year old wrinkly perv” type, but I wouldn’t mind hanging on the arm of a decent looking middle aged man. (: