I think My Husband Is A Little Bit Gay

Do these jeans make my package look fat?

Last week I confessed my incomplete fabulousness to the Toy with Mes because I don’t have A Gay in my life, and then I realized something.

My husband is, in some ways, just a little bit gay and I’ve been sort of taking all that for granted, but now I’m thinking that maybe he can hold me over until I find my real gay boyfriend.

Check it:

Remember how last week I said I dated a guy who loved Madonna? Well, my dear husband loves a little Madonna too! Also, Lady Gaga. I can kind of see how the Woodland Gays might get the wrong idea about him when he rolls up with Confessions on a Dancefloor blaring out of his car stereo. Until, that is, he pulls out the two little girls and then it’s all over. He’s clearly just a guy taking his kids for a walk in the woods. I mean, he hardly has any porn with him at all, and instead of condoms and lube, he’s got diapers and a sippy cup.

Creepy as they are, that is so not sexy to the Woodland Gays.

And there have been times when I’ve been a little sad because I don’t have a gay in my life to give me hair advice, but then I realized that my husband is totally adept at doing hair. He’s excellent with pig tails, braids, and hair color. He’s colored my hair on multiple occasions, and I’ve even farmed him out to my lady friends. His technique for spreading the color evenly is outstanding! We’ll just forget that time he picked out clown orange color for my first day of grad school and then trimmed my bangs so they were only 1/2 inch long.

Now that we have a little girl, he’s the one doing the fancy hair-dos because when I try it, it looks like I did it with my feet. But my husband on the other hand, is very meticulous when it comes to making sure the part is even for pig tails, and his braids are, well, amazing. He also admits to “sort of ” enjoying painting nails, but I think he really enjoys painting nails because he’s so good at it. We even had to make a special trip to the beauty supply store because he just wasn’t satisfied with the Quick-Dry Topcoat that I picked out at Target. He said it was “pure crap” and that he wanted to pick something that had “some balls to it.”

He’s the gayest straight guy I know (except for my friend Roland. He’s a wicked gay- straight guy. He busts out singing show tunes in restaurants, but totally checks out the waitress’ assical area while doing it.)

But perhaps the strongest evidence of my husband’s gay-straight guy status has, sadly for him, been caught on film.

This picture with the little dog is one of my personal favorites.

This just screams gay

Dude. That tank top is so not helping.

Ahem…

Yeeaahh.

Ahem... Yeeaahh

And sometimes when he folds the laundry, he comes out wearing MY SKINNY JEANS!

We finally got him his own pair because there were fights. It wasn’t cute. His bum looks nice in them, btw.

I hate to see you leave, but I love to see you going.

But perhaps the most damming piece of gay evidence is this little gem:

Hey there sailor

Oh, SNAP! That’s his Naval Academy uniform being used in a way I’m sure the United States Navy never, ever intended. I actually blame the Navy for some of his gay-straightness. I mean, they don’t even call Navy dudes something manly like “soldiers.”

They call them Seamen.

I rest my case.

And speaking of clothes, one thing that brings me great comfort that my dear husband is decidedly not all the way gay, is that while he may try my stuff on from time to time, he is not good at putting together an outfit. I catch him trying to pair camouflage with just about anything, and I make him submit to an outfit inspection before leaving for work in the morning because somebody has to save him from himself.

For example, imagine my reaction when he came downstairs dressed in this sweater which used to belong TO HIS MOTHER!

My Moms sweater

He was getting ready to do some manly plastering, but you see what I mean about the camouflage, right?

Here’s his Mom Sweater again in case you wanted to see it with a different outfit:

Moms Sweater again

I think he needs to make that his Facebook picture, just to let the people he went to elementary school with know what he’s all about nowadays.

Also, I bet there aren’t too many gay guys whose natural scent smells like a combination of pot, beer, and balls. That’s pretty much Eau ‘d Straight Dude, right? And he forgets to brush his teeth a lot of times, and showering seems to be optional, mainly, and when we go on a trip, he only packs one clean pair of socks and a clean tee shirt for the entire week. And in addition to his Lady Gaga, he’s also a big Meshuggah devotee. That’s the kind of music where there’s just a lunatic guy screaming his head off while a bunch of other lunatic guys play instruments AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE, in case you didn’t know.

OMG, and then there’s the dancing.

And that, my friends, is why we never go out dancing. It’s also why bringing him to a gay bar as bait will never work. No self respecting ‘mo would ever dance like that. He kind of looks like one of those crazy arm waving things you see at used car lots.

So yes.

From now on, until I get myself a nice gay fella, I’m going to try to focus on what I’ve got already.

Now, if I can only convince him to watch Project Runway with me and admit that straight guys are stupid, I will be the hap-hap-happiest woman on earth!

Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? About The Queen Of Everything

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.

Comments

  1. My husband is a little gay, too. He wears my nightgowns and stuffs the top with balloons and pretends to be me. I think he likes it a little too much. But whatever. Really aren’t they all a little gay?

  2. Nothing says hot like a man packin a sippy cup AND diapers. Nothing. I would look no further for my gay. The proof is in the photos. Gay, straight, whatever Mister has it all goin on in one nice assed package. He can be your straight, he can be your gay. And he never has to ask that all important question, “Do these pants make my butt look big”.

  3. Not My Real Name says:

    I’m having a crappy day. Not as crappy as yours QOFE but crappy still. Thanks for the smile. If mister doesn’t make his sweater pic his facebook profile pic, I may make it mine. I love it.

  4. …doesn’s make me gay.

  5. This post just got better and better. I think this will be my new go to post whenever I need a laugh :P

  6. I have TWO gay best friends who are actually totally straight! It’s kind of awesome because I don’t really know any ACTUAL gay people either, so I just decide that the friends to whom I am least attracted are my substitute gays.

  7. Honestly, the second sweater pic was the gayest thing on here! ;)
    No, I take that back, that tank top, maybe it was the tank top. Madonna is acceptable, Cher would be the real key to having your own gay!
    He certainly will do in a pinch, especially with the hair and nails, “love the one your with”……..

  8. Bwahahahaha! CP + The Daver are peas in a gay pod! I KNEW there was a reason you and I got along, Crissy! Although, Dave is WAY less fashionable and really, that sweater is kinda awesome. I kind of want it actually.

  9. Can we go out and have Timmy & Kenny dance attack? Between your husband and my husband they’ll just about knock out anyone around them! At least they can keep rhythm?

    and the pic on the couch HAS TO BE your Christmas card!

    “Keeping our Yuletide Gay! Love, the Gilberts”

  10. I forgot all about the Infamous Sweater Pic! LMFAO!! Rawr, Mister! Rawr!

    Please use it for this years Christmas cards and tell me what kind of reactions you get.

    QOFE, you know those dance moves made you a little bit moist. Admit it.

  11. Ha! I just saw that Rachel was thinking what I was thinking. There’s two votes on the cards. Anyone else?

  12. I’m pretty sure he looks like he’s doing the drunk girl dance. That’s gotta go somewhere on the gaydar, doesn’t it?

  13. Holy crap. This was the most perfect post ever. I mean, you had me from the very first pic, but then you upped the ante with sweater pic #2, and then drove it home it with video!! Priceless!

  14. Tyler D. says:

    Can’t read my, can’t ready my,

    No he can’t ready my Poker Face.

    Pa pa pa Poker Face.

    PA PA PA POKER FACE.

  15. He is kinda gay which makes me wonder if there is something manly about you that turns him on. hmmm….

  16. I LIKE his dancing!

  17. I was thinking more like a hair lip or something but that certainly looks like it would take care of your needs as well. Repeatedly. Smooth hip action.

  18. There is something totally hot about a guy dancing with his little girl. Almost as hot as when they do the dishes AND put them away.

    My husband too, has a little bit of the gay. My parents insisted I move in with him thinking he was camp as a row of tents. A month later I was pregnant.

  19. gay or not, he looks and sounds like a riot to live with!

  20. P'tucket Soriano says:

    Sure, he dances real cute for a baby daddy losing his hair and all, but can he spout off quotes from Ben Franklin, Honest Abe, Reyanaldo Arenas AND the Dali Lama, while posing with that proud naked bum of his all up in the air, like a really good Seamen should?

    Other than that, who cares if he’s gay?

  21. LadyLover says:

    Are you sure that first tank top picture is that same guy? He looks Mexican! (I think it’s the mustache and soul patch.)

    Ahem.

    Your husband is sexy. The fact that he’ll pose for pictures like these and grin about it is fantastic. I wish I had one!

  22. CortGirl says:

    I’m with the others on the Christmas card! You should totally do it!

  23. what a laugh riot! i so want to party with you two.

    but any guy that could fit in my skinny jeans intimidates me just a little bit. i have to be the prettiest, thinnest, and sexiest in the relationship.

  24. Um, hello? Super serious dancer!!!!

  25. Can I just say………..*sigh*………….Pimp!!

    *sigh*

    You are a lucky woman!(all three of you!!!)

    (could we see more film of him making Girlfriend and Homeslice giggle………that was too sweet, but tooooooo short!)

    (ps here’s my vote for the Xmas card! ;))

  26. Dave just loves to wear one of my skirts in summer. So much so that I just put it away in his closet now. Nothing is hotter than a man in a skirt in summer. Sigh.

  27. hey.

    i’m not losing my hair. i’ve always had a high hairline. gotta have a big cranium for all those brains. and also for all the humility.

  28. If Fancyhats doesn’t marry me, I’m going to continue pretending Ken is my husband.

  29. i am now daydreaming of my boyfriend doing my nails for me. *i* certainly suck at it, and it would be so nice if i could just convince him to do it for me instead of having to pay someone else :-)

  30. My husband like WHAM and some other band called The Blow Monkeys which is mega super gay! If he didn’t like girls so damn much I would really wonder. The dancing though is a lot like your hub. Spastic!

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  32. Stop making me laugh out loud…..I cracked up when you described mister’s dancing like one of those ballon men, you were so right on with that one.
    I’m actually married to a gay man, I didn’t know it way back then but in 2003 he emerged from the closet so to speak. He can’t quote from a Broadway play nor are his musical tastes geared towards the Diva’s of sound, his dancing skills however are much in par with mister’s. He does get his hair colored regularly though and he loves to shop:)

  33. THAT my dear is the coolest danc’n daddy I have seen. I wished my dad danced with me like that!

  34. Perfect blog!

  35. Uh oh. My husband loves Project Runway.
    And Supernatural.
    He can't dance for shit and doesn't know how to dress. Whew.

  36. Virginia says:

    Awesome post. Appreciate the gay in him. It takes a real man to be gay :)

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