For someone who lives inside The Internet, it kinda shocks me that I never ended up doing any online dating. Okay, that’s not technically true: I did end up putting up a personal profile on Match.com back when it first came out and wasn’t like “hookup.com” but it wasn’t like, for real. A friend of mine put a profile together that included in the description of us as “floppy” and “meaty” just to see if we could actually attract someone. Included in the likes section, we added such gems as “beating people up,” “looking at photo albums of my cats” and “obsessively talking about our feelings.” In a potential mate, we requested that he be a very short but very beefy bodybuilder with a very tiny brain. The more well-built, the better. Basically, we wanted a buff midget to date us.
I was shocked when, two weeks later, I finally remembered to sign into my email and saw that we had actual responses. Our user name was the same as my email–Stinky Butt–and yet we’d somehow managed to find some guys that were interested in meeting this Stinky Butt freak of a woman. Badgered by my then-boyfriend, who thought what we were doing was mean, my friend and I reluctantly closed the account and said goodbye to Stinky Butt. May she live in eternal peace forevermore.
I’ve thought about online dating now and again, as I’ve had to fill out bio after ever-loving bio (that was my first experience in having to describe myself in 140 or less characters), describing myself in three sentences or less and realized that no matter what, I’d be a piss poor candidate for it. Sarcasm doesn’t translate well over the screen and, let’s be honest here, describing who you are or what you like in three sentences is an abysmal failure no matter who you are. Unless, I guess, your name is “Claudia Schiffer” and then you probably wouldn’t be trolling eHarmony for the love of your life.
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve watched as a number of blog and Twitter romances have started to blossom and I realized that perhaps the blog romance is the new medium for meeting the love of your life. I mean, if a freak like me can make friends through my blog (I have friends now! This is PROGRESS!) then certainly other people can meet potential dates through their blogs.
There’s no pressure on your blog to be anyone but yourself and with the exception of calling myself YOUR Aunt Becky, I am more honest on my blog than I am in real life. I’m not ACTUALLY your aunt, you see, so that may offend someone who thinks that we’re related, but then again, if they believed we were related without any proof other than my word, I probably should try and get them to give me gifts and money and stuff. Because obviously. Whereas on a dating site, I’d get the distinct impression that one might feel a bit like meat being judged for everything from picture—is it too old? New? Obviously photoshopped?–to wittiness of bio (is it too flip? Too coy? Too sarcastic? Too flirty? WHAT CAN YOU SAY ABOUT YOURSELF IN THREE LINES ANYWAY?).
It may be glaringly clear to you all that I was never much good at dating, anyway. I’ve always been excellent at monogamy, not so much at dating around.
I must admit, though, that seeing all of the people hooking up through their blogs is melting my cold, black heart and renewing my long-dead faith in romance. I shouldn’t have to tell you that my faith in romance died sometime back when flannel was in fashion, should I? Because it totally did. It’s just so flipping sweet to see other people falling in love after reading each other’s words (say it with me now, Toy With Me-ers, “AWWWWWW!”). It’s especially refreshing after writing articles about how people marry pillows and video game characters and other inanimate objects to be reminded that love might actually exist out there. And not, you know, require batteries. Or pillow cases.
I think what scares me the most about online dating is that I’d come across another person just like, uh, well, me. Because if, in all my mature glory, my friend and I had thought to make such a clever and delicious profile on an online dating site, then certainly others have as well. And since I still feel kind of guilty for bringing Stinky Butt into the world, it would be karmic justice that I would be taken for a proverbial ride by a couple of bored teenagers posing as an attractive multi-millionaire who is desperately in love with me and wants to buy me a castle AND a pony. I’m well aware that people NOT on dating sites can easily pretend to be a swarthy, yet desperately alluring mother of three living in Chicago rather than a single guy named Darryl living in Detroit, I’m somehow more trusting of non-dating-site people. Let’s not talk about how dumb that sounds, because I totally know it is.
So thank you, my friends in the computer who are all falling in love and shit, because you’re making me all gooey and mushy inside, which normally only happens when I eat burritos with extra hot salsa. You remind me that love is good and that it’s out there just around the bend and sometimes even Your Aunt Becky needs that reminder. Let’s keep this whole “emotions” thing between us, okay? And if any of you mention that I have actual feelings, I’ll cut you. Hard.
So tell me, Toy With Me-ers, what are your experiences with dating and the online world? Would you be more likely to find someone through a dating site or through a blog? Have you tried online dating? If so, what were your experiences?
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{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
My friend asked me how I met my latest girlfriend. I told her online. She says that's all she hears nowadays. I think if you meet someone in person nowadays it's not the norm. It's just another medium to meet people, not my favorite though. However I've never had a real bad experience with it. Nothing that hasn't happened with just meeting someone. Go for it and enjoy it. Just remember there are different rules to online dating than there are in the real world.
Good point to keep in mind.
I tried the whole online dating site thing. NOT for me. It was exhausting and a little comment box is not enough room to describe all that I hated about it. but I felt that as a perpetually single girl, I had to give it a shot. I'd really much rather meet someone in person so I know if I'm attracted to them, to see if there's any chemistry (you cannot smell pheromones through a computer, contrary to popular belief).
but, I just met a guy on the flickr and he reads my blog and we have a second date today. so who knew?
You crack me up!
Lots of Mikes now so I added the PW for the Pussy Whisperer. Sooo…..I met my ex of 14 years online when PCs were almost unheard of in the home and she worked for a tiny little company that one day would grow up and take on Microsoft in court. Its was Netscape. She soon realized I was 'that guy' 'the catch' The one every woman wants and dreams about. She wrote me 1002 full length love letters before I would agree to see her. Im not going to lie, those years kicked ass all except for the last 4 months when she was sexting her ex, but then I was getting double sex because of the guilt so dammit I cant complain any even though I try.
And of course I have my issues so I immediately signed up after her, for all of them because ….ya gotta get the poison out somehow lol.
Since then I have been exposed to every sex culture out there through the internet. All of them. You don't want exposure to all of them. Trust me. I did learn I was a Vanilla lol. Cant change my spots.
Beware the stalkers. I have had a few.
Eharmony, Match, Yahoo when it was up, chemistry and 4 or 5 others. I have dated from a half dozen swinger sites as well in that time. I say dated and that was drinks or a light meal. I met many many fine ladies and a bunch of gutter trash playing the part. I never slept with any of them. Between 40 and 50 in a few months. Its very easy.
90-95% of the women/men on swing sites are married and cheating so you cant believe anything they tell you. If they were not cheating they would be on Match, chemistry or somewhere they didn't have to hide behind a paid entrance fee.
Women on match and eharmony were shopping for wallets, the fatter the better or at least thats how most of them came off, right up front.. I found the highest quality, sweetest and most loving and caring ladies on Chemistry.com. They had already made the rounds with the swingers and match and the other sites and they were focused and relaxed in the direction of finding love. All of them I asked from chemistry had made the rounds and were sick of it, choosing to stay there and wait till there was chemistry.
Over a couple months time I corresponded with between 400-600 ladies. I lost count along the way. 93 were convinced I was the one for them. Gee makes you wonder….. But that is just the online dating I did. Results will vary with your skills. Don't lie about yourself but make sure to tell every good thing they want to hear, and that will do just fine.
I was completely involved with online cam sites. This is totally the opposite from what I believe and know about myself, that being having love and sex intertwined. Not even sure why I ever did it. I think it was my version of porn and it was very very easy to find people to play 24/7. And safe. Woome, AFF cams, xhamster cams. Oh dear. lots and lots of cams. Before I met my sweetie I had a solid list of 37 ladies I actively cammed with all week long. There were probably another 50-60 that I had cam fun with infrequently. Of course for someone with my affliction it was always "thank you honey that was fun" or "your a great couple take care" and then I clicked the next one to start a new session. Be aware people record you and save those sessions, so if your not up to a stellar performance you wouldn't be proud of showing up on one of the sites…. Probably better not to. If you complain they will pull the vids but if you don't find them…. Oh and if hubby or the misses comes home and catches your cam friend. turn off the cam and reboot your cable box or router and get a fresh IP number. rotflmao….. Cam friends lie more than the swingers.
After I met my sweetie I stopped all of that cold. Never have since. Not even once. Cause that's what you do when you fall in love. No one else can hold your attention.
Its a wonder the internet is still in one piece, the way I was using it lol.
Yes, you can find love on the net. If your lonely go to an X site and get it out of your system, then head over to chemistry when you get serious. Its a system that works and the quality of the people is much higher. And never overlook folks on the blogs who might be interested or that sexy one in the produce dept who looks your way. Stay safe and be wary until you know the persons background and home life. Lots of cheaters masquerading as singles are out there. If you get serious, spend the money and pay for a background check very early on before the heartbreak is too big. Either way you will be happy you did.
I did meet my current sweetie on the internet too. Just in case your wondering.
Thanks for sharing your insight and experience with online dating.
Met my hubby through match.com, after dating some losers. My sister is the same-so I would say it works
That's awesome.
I met my husband through matchmaker.com. I hadn't ever really dated before (college relationships just don't seem like dating) so I was "practicing." I certainly was up for dating but I wasn't sure how to go about the whole meeting a large number of people thing. So I did matchmaker and had first dates with 7 or 8 guys. All of which were total losers other than my husband. He and I hit it off and have been together for over 9 yrs and married for 4 yrs. So, overall, it was a positive experience for me.
What I did learn was that people on paper or email/texts/blog posts/whatever can click and then when you meet in person things can be not quite right. Like one guy told me he didn't think it would be acceptable that I had male friends. Yeah, like I was going to ditch my best friend. But we never would have gotten to that topic going back and forth about ourselves via the web. It required an in person meeting and the glaring obviousness of him being a total controlling ass for me to really get to know him.
Congratulations! Very true, meeting in person takes things to the next level.
I met my boyfriend of two years on OKCupid.com. We talked via message and phone for a few weeks, decided to meet, and ending up spending ten hours together (not in bed!) There were some definite skeezballs there, though, including some dumbass who told me he could probably forgive me for being Irish… and totally meant it.
I definitely think you can't have an entire relationship online- as Gretchen said above, people can be totally different in person. I had a friend who online dated a dude who was cheating on his wife with many different girls, but until she found that out he was a sweet, dedicated, caring guy. Yeah, totally different.
There are good sites and bad sites too- some, like, OKC, actually calculate your compatibility in an accurate way, but others like Plenty of Fish aren't as good.
I would question someone who wanted an entire relationship online – only! Thanks for sharing your thoughts about dating sites.
way back in '92 i found myself a youngster at the us naval academy in annapolis, md.
we had basically no freedom whatsoever and spent all of our time "on the yard," as they call it.
even at this point the naval academy, being part of the us navy which is part of the us military which basically invented the internet, had a network connection in every room. and that was our ticket to the outside world.
keep in mind there was no such thing as the web back then. it was all text, all the time. if you wanted to see what someone looked like, you gave them your address and they mailed you a picture.
one of the things i stumbled across was a chatroom called "foothills." it was like a MUD, but there wasn't any combat or competition. you could talk out loud to everyone in the "room," or you could send private messages. see http://www.worldlingo.com/ma/enwiki/en/Foothills_…
for a couple of roomates trapped in their room this provided hours of entertainment. i had friends all over the place, particularly in england, where the programmers lived.
soon i started conversing with people local to me in maryland. those conversations lead to meeting up with folks in DC or baltimore.
one very promising conversation was with a young student at notre dame university, and we hit it off, pleased with the exchanged photographs that revealed a glimpse into who we were chatting with. i was happy to discover that her home was (relatively) close to mine in new england, and we'd agreed to meet up during one of the holiday breaks while i was on leave.
before long i found myself deeply involved in a long distance relationship. the difficulties were the same they've always been. in other words, i had a string of $500 calling card bills from the phone sex.
ultimately the undoing was due to her desire to date other people while at school, uncovered when i snooped around and read some of her sent emails to the "other people." i didn't really have that luxury, and while her actions fell short of the "cheating" range, i just couldn't consider her a girlfriend if she didn't want to be "steady." that was fall/winter 1995.
we had a good run, though… i would do it all again.
in spring 1996 i met crissy, and the rest is history.
$500 for phone sex?!? I'm hoping there was more than just moaning going on
Sounds like this would have been a lucrative living for your young lass.
it wasn't just phone sex. we actually talked, too.
i had a lot of time to kill.
OMG… 1992, I used to chat with a guy in the Naval Academy!!!!! Oh yes, the text only chat rooms, those were the days. Yep, we sent each other our photos. He he he. I was going to school up in New England and he invited me to the Valentine's ball. Being the ballsy (aka stupid) 18 year old that I was, I went. Alone. On a train to MD. And it was a blast. I stayed in hotel and he was a perfect gentleman. I wouldn't say we ever dated, but we were good friends and it was fun. Ha ha, good times.
good for you for going to that ball! most guys at usna would be scared shitless of getting in trouble, so i'm not surprised he was on his best behavior.
The old boyfriend you "friend" online is more dangerous than the new person you meet online. I'm posting a story now about what happens when typing the name of an old flame in your searchbox makes you wet between the thighs – and you're already married! This is fiction but you know you've thought about it and you know it happens.
Take a peek – http://www.afacebookstory-oneclickaway.blogspot.com
Elizabeth
Baby and I both lost our ex partners on Face book. She will never go on again. I keep mine benign and never ever speak to an ex.
I never did any online dating, but I did make profiles. I was new to college, tired of having only had one boyfriend ever (I'm not what you would call outgoing – or wasn't then), and I wanted me a man! I got lots of responses, had lots of IM conversations, emailed people… and the guys were nice. But if it came up to actually meet or date, I froze. I DID end up meeting a guy who invited me to come see his Rocky Horror cast perform and while I wasn't into him as a potential mate, we did pretty good as friends and I wanted to do it anyway.
Rocky was the start of me stopping being quite so shy. It was also where I saw some really cute guys on stage. I posted to the cast board in a flirtatious manner about said cute guys (never EVER would have done that in person), and one of said guys sent me an IM. We went out to see the first Spiderman movie and after being together 8 years, adopting three puppies, and buying a house, we're gonna get us hitched like a real couple 'n' stuff. Fancy!
Great story
I definitely did not see that ending coming.
I met my current hubby on an online dating site. But before him, I went on alot of dates with some "odd" caracters that I met on that same site. Most of them had really old pics of them on the site, then you meet them and their all fat and bald and stuff. Lovely…. see ya! (and yes i have walked away immediatly after seeing they were not who they said they were). Met one fellow on there, that im still friends with to this day, that we went out for about 9 months or so but he wouldnt make it to the next step.. you know calling me his girlfriend after 9 months!!! so I was fishing around for another date. Thats when i met my new hubby. We talked for 20 minutes online ( I usually made them talk to me for over a week everyday before I would met them in person) then decided to go to a movie that night. We met up and never saw the movie. We sat around talking and bar hopping for ohhhhh 9 hours. 3 days later… he moved in..and we have lived happy ever after..mostly LOL.
Yes I found about half of the pics ladies post were very old and showing them in the best light. To combat that, for the folks that are still looking, we call that 'pocket phone'
Do not be lured into a relationship with any of these people. They LIED to you before you ever started and you can expect noting but the same! The entire time!
So do this: Que their number and keep the phone in your pocket ready to dial. Tell them to meet you in a place where you will hear your call from a discreet location, and have them pick a window seat and wait for you. Then dial. you will see who answers and it they don't ID exactly to their picture, you turn and exit from the building and pull the phone out and tell them something came up with your family and you cant make it.
You owe these liars and deceptive people nothing.
Are you a P.I. by any chance?
I work in a similar industry actually. But no I figured that out from my time in the trenches. If they happen to be genuine in that respect I usually kept walking towards them with the phone in my hand till we saw each other and its usually an opening laugh. But to be honest I never expected to meet a hyper sexual person at all since they are 1 in 500,000 and certainly not one who has the same morals, values and safety code as I have. Meeting my sweetie was a 6.5 billion to one long shot. We both hit the lottery. And even then we may or may not be able to stay together. But I have always felt that if I was honest about the way things were and people still chose to spend their time with me I would make every effort to provide them with a meal and drink and good company even if all I could do was at home. But I never ever had a first meeting in my home. Old man murphy says this one wont last and I will be doing the same thing though.
3 days! Really? Wow, you're either brave or crazy or both
I met my boyfriend through a dating site. I went into the date with zero expectations and found the love of my life. We're odd, slightly psychotic, full of "issues" and perfect for each other.
That being said, my online dating experience was one helluva ride. Now I am BFF with a girl who pokes snarky fun at online dating profiles.
I'm actually surprised at the amount of matches that seem to have been made. Good for you!
I spent way too much on a Match.com profile, and since I was in a small town, options were limited.
I gave one guy my number, he called me, and I was turned off by the fact that, for one, he kept talking about sex, and two, when asked three words to describe himself, he said, "Hot, Horny, and Happy." I'm guessing by "happy" he meant "in the pants."
I made a date with him, but broke it in order to go to a high school football game.
That was the end of my dating on the Internets.
At least he was up front and honest. Glad to hear you broke the date.
Danger and mystery are a great combo to heighten the passion!
I tried finding someone through a classified ads in a singles paper many (23), many (Oh my god! Is it that long ago?), years back. My aunt had met her second husband through this same paper. She asked my if I wanted to try placing an ad to find someone. Since we had both consumed the better part of a bottle of wine, I said yes–not thinking that she was serious at all. I quickly forgot about the conversation.
A little more than a month later I got a large manilla envelope in the mail stuffed with a dozen letters. (People replied to the ads by sending letters to the paper, who in turn forwarded them to whoever had placed the ad. It was a way to stay anonymous and safe–we didn't have online dating then.) A lot of the replies were sort of so-so, and not worth the effort to reply. A few of them I could tell were actually form letters/replies that sort of told me that the guy hadn't taken the time to really read what the ad said about me. Some were shallow enough to demand that I send them my picture before they would even get in touch. (I realize that physical attraction is important, but do you have to be so shallow that you don't even take the time to get to know someone first?)
One letter though really intrigued me. It was sweet and made me really want to reply back. So I sent a reply with more information about who I was with a phone number. The first time he called we talked for more than an hour before making plans to meet somewhere for a face to face chat. He never asked me about what I looked like–just what I would be wearing.
When I arrived at the agreed upon restaurant and saw him I felt like I could have just melted into a puddle right then. I had never really given any credence to the idea of "love at first sight" but that was exactly what it was. His smile was just to die for, and he was smiling real big when he saw me (I may not be super model thin but I do have some rather generous curves in the right places.)
After my initial reaction I thought maybe I was expecting too much and he wouldn't really meet my expectations of finally meeting someone I could feel good about spending my time with, but I was so wrong. We talked for hours and hours that first night. We dated for almost 3 years. He was the perfect (for me) boyfriend and lover….
he still is. We just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and he still thinks I'm hot.
I think that online dating is great, but, just like any other dating medium you are just going to have to eliminate all the frogs before you find a prince.
well said, robin.
the internet just makes things faster.
If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain…..if your not into yoga…….if you have half a brain. If you like making love at midnight…..in the dunes of the cape.
Good old Jimmy workin there.
oh god….
online dating.
what can i say?
i'm in my 50's. a widow, the worst possible demographic, and the online dating thing is a bitch! because…i find myself far too often dating my dad, or young guys who think i have money hit on me. men my age-ish…they want 30-40 year olds. it's been incredibly frustrating. that said, i did meet a man who i enjoyed a nice little relationship with, but after many failures, and now..well. i don't know, i just don't care so much. i am a wedding professional, and there have been many people who i have worked with who met online, so i know it CAN work.
just not sure it can work for me.
I tried online dating, and before that asnwering personal ads. I met a guy who'd been dead twice (these were long stories) a man who worked at a bakery who called himself an oven operator, and a bunch of people even less interesting than that. The best part of internet dating for me was the stories I could tell to entertain my friends – that being said, I personally know five happily married couples who met through Match.com, it just didn't work out for me.
i stumbled across this today and thought it was pertinent:
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-biggest-lie…
Online dating… Been there, done that, started the blog. It's ok, Aunt Becky. You're not missing much.