When Toy With Me asked me to write about The Good Wife’s Guide, an article that was supposedly originally published in Housekeeping Monthly in 1955, I was all over it because why wouldn’t I be? My first encounter with it was eons ago when I found something very much like it folded up in a box of my grandmother’s recipes. I framed it and hung it in the kitchen of my first apartment. I wish I still had it, but I don’t. Remember Vito? He took it when we broke up, that fucker. Apparently, he wanted to know how to be a good wife to some lucky fella.
But then it came back to me in an email from a friend, and then again from the Toy with Mes, so it must be my destiny to write about it. And we’re not going to go all feministy and “we’ve come a long way, baby!” about it today, so don’t worry. Not that there’s anything wrong with going all feministy, but it would just turn into a very, very long book instead of a cute post on the Internet. Also, while writing this, I realized I actually do a lot of the things the guide suggests!
Who knew I totally rock this 1955 housewife thing?
I’ve paraphrased a few of my favorites for you, check it:
-Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
I totally do this! My husband loves my Weight Watcher’s recipe for Tofu and Cauliflower Curry, and on the nights when I don’t work, I make it for him! Or is it me who loves that and him who winds up making himself chicken nuggets in the toaster? I can’t remember. There might also be some mumbling about steak and blow jobs, but I don’t pay attention.
-Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
I’m not really sure we can call all the other computer geeks he works with “work-weary.” They kind of spend the day downloading porn and playing something they call “the slapping game.” I don’t think we really need to go into my husband’s exhausting work day, do we? I do try not to be a hot mess when he comes home though. I wipe the mascara from under my eyes, re-do my ponytail, and put on a little lipstick. I’m not sure why I do this. The man has seen me shit on the delivery table…twice.
-Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
I take this to mean that I should start inviting my hot girlfriends over for dinner? Seems do-able, and I’m totally sure that if he came home to find me playing housewife with another chick, it would certainly give him a “lift.”
-Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before he arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables.
I actually do this to make him feel bad about himself, and to prove that I’m a better person than he is. You see, when I come home from work, my house looks like a demilitarized zone because he’s been playing the Wii while our four-year-0ld has gotten out every single toy she owns and fed herself fruity snacks for dinner, and my eight-month-old probably dined on carpet lint and screamed her head off for hours. So, before he gets home, I run around making the house look spiffy so he can see what the place looks like when we don’t sit around with our Wii in our hand all day.
-Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
I have a problem with the whole light a fire thing because I’m sort of flammable? So I don’t really think he would feel very relaxed to come home to me running around the house with my arms on fire. BUT! I light candles. That totally counts as a fire.
-Be happy to see him.
Oh, I am! I’m thrilled to see him! In fact, I pace around in front of the door with the baby in my arms just waiting for him to walk through it. My heartbeat quickens when I hear his car in the driveway, and as soon as he walks in, I shout “take this fucking baby!” and then I pour myself a drink.
Glug, glug, glug, aaaahhhhhh…
Mommy’s little helper.
-Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night.
Hmmmm…maybe not this one. Given his penchant for gambling, hookers, and cocaine, I dare say that if he’s late or doesn’t come home at night, he’s going to get his dick chopped off and shoved up his ass (and not in a fun way, you guys).
-A good wife always knows her place.
I absolutely know my place. Like, I feel as if it’s my place to ride in the passenger’s seat and critique his driving. I have to make sure he doesn’t kill us on the highway. But I don’t think that’s what it’s supposed to mean. I think it means don’t be like this crazy bitch or something.
Anyway, I’m kind of impressed by my wifeyness, actually. I’ve got like 83% of that shit down cold! Do any of you guys do these things or am I really that much better than everyone??
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About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger.
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
I love you too much.
hey..
i’ve gotten a LOT better about the gambling!
get your facts straight.
I totally have that shit down!! And I also go above and beyond the whole resting for fifteen minutes and take a good hour (naptime) to relax and prepare myself for his arrival. And the hamburger helper is on the table when he comes in (sometimes still in the box). I totally rock!
This is the shit! I love it!
I once knew a guy whose wife would put a towel in the dryer while he was taking a shower. When she heard the water turn off, she would deliver the warm towel to him as he was getting out. She did this every single morning.
I always wanted her.
I am definitely NOT a good wife. In fact, I’m one of the few “undomesticated” ones running around in my circle of people. I tried to be domesticated, but that was boring.
That is priceless. I have an even better find … A book called Young Folks at Home that trains girls to be good wives
Even down to how to dress. It is a laugh riot!
You are the best wife ever! I suck at being a wife. How sad
Mr. Toy with Me: I have a friend who does that! She also does his shirts. Like, she bleaches them and checks the collars for stains and the buttons for looseness and she irons them and puts starch on them and hangs them neatly in the closet.
It’s like she almost likes him or something.
My husband runs around looking like he slept in his clothes which I highly encourage because who wants to do laundry? Icky.
ChrissyQ – You put the box on the table?! Impressive!
Mr. Toy With Me – She made her life total hell with all the other wives for that insanity.
cjaxon – Hmm…I would have thought a sucking wife was a good thing.
Guess you are just better… I do cook every night, otherwise the kids would starve. I certainly don’t have time to rest, and any gay merriness is confined to Friday when we invite friends over to drink and ignore our kids. I deal with clutter and cobwebs and all that other crap one day a week when I do an overhaul on the house, other than that it’s the kids daily chores. And as for a fire, our primary source of heat is a woodstove so his ass needs to start a fire in order for me to even get out of bed in the morning.
Yeah, I know my place- on a pedestal bossing everyone else around. =D
I do Fancyhats’s laundry. We don’t even live together.
Given that I am thrice divorced, it’s a cinch that the whole “wife” thing is just not a concept I grasped. Must be because of the whole “derangement” thing in that video.
If you actually take out all the sexist bullshit stuff and instead call it “Things Spouses Should Do For Each Other”, these rules are actually pretty stellar.
Oh no, you are way better than me by an immeasurable measure.
The only things I do, are work on the being pretty part and bake cakes.
Unless you count that I’m very good (very) in the sack, and I like taking scenic drives.
This is why I was happy to be born after the sexual revolution.
I love that my husband and I do not aspire to traditional gender roles and share the day-to-day duties as equal partners. (Even though, I do more. Just kidding, or am I…)
I could never be June Cleaver.
Me? I just lay down like a doormat so that when my man walks through the front door, he can wipe his feet on me. I care about his footwear and comfort
BlowJoy- agreed. It just needs to go both ways and we’d all be much happier.
you know, there ARE things i do that you don’t.
specialization is efficient!
CP- This is true. We can’t both be good at everything. For example, I doubt you’re any good at deep throating. I, on the other hand…
This is the best comment thread ever.
Bahahahaha. You and I “housewife” the same way. I almost fell over laughing about you picking up the house to prove your a better person. I try that. Doesn’t work though.
If I were a good writer, and it is well documented that I am NOT, I so could have written this because it’s totally me….not the ‘true good wife stuff’, but the Crissy’s version of good wife!!! Love your writing!!
I always thought that the only requirement for being a good wife was touching the penis; his penis, because touching his brother’s penis is a bad thing. At least that’s what my mother told me.
And now I have to be a little gay and know my place, too?
I feel as though I’ve been mislead.
Hah. Reminds me of the guy in college who wanted a mail order bride who would gladly do all of these things for him.
Jack- did he ever find one because maybe I could get one for my husband for his birthday!
Ah…the good old days, when a woman could count on the man to be the man and to provide for his family. Hold down a job, get his lazy ass off the couch every single day and get the hell out so we could actually go about ruling the world while he plays “the slapping game” and smokes over a 3 martini lunch. We had the freedom to invite our “girlfriends” over and play hide the ben wa balls with the torpedo bra club…ah….the good old days!
Huh……..what’s that mean that I quit my job 11 years ago to stay home with the kids and be the domestic goddess around here?
*sigh*
Don’t ask.
i warm myself up on top of the dryer, cook in the bedroom, and keep the kitchen spotless at all times.
Let’s see, I’ve been married three times and it’s taken your blog to show me the error of my ways. The fourth husband is totally gonna be the last!
I think this is why I’m not married.
Well, according to this, I’m a pretty good catch! I’ll have to remind my dear husband how good he’s got it
Definately not my forte’
The only reason the house is picked up prior to hubs arrival home is my OCD.
I couldn’t even be a good stay at home mom yet alone a 50’s housewife.
hahahahahhahaha. hahahahahhahahahahhaha! this is my FAVORITE Toy With Me you’ve everrr written! Being gay? hahahahah, and throwing the baby at him as soon as he walks through the door? TOTALLY ME!
The guide mostly fits my household…
Of course its the “How to be the perfect mother-in-law”
I would have been munching on black beauties all day like all the other women did.
Peppermint Patty – “I’m very good (very) in the sack”
Here’s hoping the next time I have “Hotel Sex” (http://toywithme.com/sexuality/hotel-sex/) the maid leaves you on my pillow when she turns down the sheets.
You’ve outdone yourself on this one, Crissy. Hilarious! I love!
Crissy,
Last I heard he was on his fourth marriage. He is all of 40 so I don’t think that it worked for him.