Alright gentlemen, listen up.
I get it, you want to have sex with me. I’m single, I can hold a conversation, I have body parts for you to put your body parts in, I smell nice, and sometimes I even go through the effort of wearing heels and mostly manage to not fall over in the street while doing it. You, in turn, find the above combination of factors attractive, which is flattering, sure, but I’d like to let you in on a few things things you need to know about me if we’re going to be doing anything involving joint nudity.
1. I don’t give handjobs. Why? Because it’s awkward. Because trying to figure out where to look while doing it makes me wildly uncomfortable and there needs to be some kind of lube involved, and I don’t always have access to lube, and I don’t want to do it without lube and risk giving you some sort of skin-rubs-skin penis burn that will prevent you from fucking me later on in the evening. And you know why else? Because after what I can only guess is at least 15 years of practice, you can do it better. So how about instead, we just agree on the fact that while both of our hands can reach your dick, my mouth can also reach your dick and yours can’t and blowjobs > handjobs.
2. I’m weird about pubic hair. Not yours, unless it’s ridiculously out of control, but mine. I’m a Brazilian waxing addict and it’s gotten to the point that I don’t want sex at all the week before I’m going to get waxed. I know that this is some sort of bizarre insecurity thing and that I should get the hell over myself, but I can’t, or at least I’ve chosen not to, so that’s that. With that said, however, I should let you know that I’m not above doing ridiculous last minute hair removal if the opportunity for sex is particularly enticing. Like that time I shaved in a guy’s bathroom, with his razor, while I was drunk and he was on a beer run. Yes, I actually did that. No, the guy has absolutely no clue but he lives in New York and that’s all the way across the country from me so I don’t feel bad about it in the least. Also, there’s the small fact that I had sex with him that night (and a handful of nights afterward), and I did a stellar job of rinsing the razor, so I’m thinking it’s a fair trade. Ish.
3. I’m not going to fake an orgasm to make you feel like a champ. Have I ever faked an orgasm before? Of course, but it didn’t lead anywhere productive. Why would I want you to think that you’re doing the right thing and hitting the right spots when you’re not? For your ego? Not a good enough reason. Plus, seeing as how I’ve only had one one night stand in my entire life, the chances of repeat sex are pretty high and faking it the first time means I’ll just have to keep faking it and will get stuck getting myself off quickly while you go to the bathroom to do whatever the whatever you do in there after sex. The bottom line here is that you should try harder to make me cum. It’s not that difficult, I promise, and it’s worth it. Because do you know what my orgasm means? My orgasm means that it’s at least 97% more likely that there’s increased sex in your future.
4. I couldn’t care less about your giant penis. Okay, to clarify, what I really mean to say is that there’s a range, a pretty big range actually, and if you fall somewhere in that range, you’re golden. Yes, if you’re unbelievably small, like Guinness-Book of-Records-could-be-confused-
with-a-ballpoint-pen small, then it matters. But what I’m really trying to say here is this: your enormous penis doesn’t impress me. In fact, I’m a little bit terrified of it. Guys with really big cocks are like stupidly hot chicks, they have an air about them that seems to say, “you’re just lucky to be fucking me,” and then they don’t try that hard on #3. Does this sound like you? Go back and reread #3 or find another place to try and stick it.
5. I’m not having unprotected sex with you. Oh really? Sex feels better for you without a condom? Guess what, it feels better for me too. You know what doesn’t feel good? UNWANTED PREGNANCY AND RAGING HERPES. The exception to the no condom-less sex rule is if I’m on the pill and we’ve had an actual conversation about it. You know, the kind of conversation that happens after we’ve been dating for awhile and we decide that we like each other enough to stop getting naked with other people and go out of our way to confirm that neither one of us has fucking syphilis. Only then.
I think that’s it. Did you get all of that? Be honest, I value honesty. Actually yeah, let’s end on that note, the note where we talk about real honesty, the kind where you communicate with me about your feelings and your intentions and don’t just say the things you think I want to hear. For example, don’t automatically assume that I want you to word vomit all over me about how special I am and how pretty my eyes are and how much you want to be with me. Because really? I already know that I’m special and you’re not the first person in the history of trying to get laid to use the eye thing and, more often than not, you don’t actually want to be with me, you just want me to do things to your penis. WHICH IS FINE – as long as you’re honest about it – because I’m as down for a round of sport fucking as the next person, as long as you’re willing to call a spade a spade.
Hearts & Stars & Tequila Body Shots,
Nicole
Thanks so much for visiting us! We are working hard to bring you the best in sex, snark and hilarity along with sex toy reviews of the latest and greatest sex toys that are available. Never miss a thing by subscribing to my RSS feed, or by having it delivered right to your inbox. Want to get social with me? I would love it if you followed me on Twitter! Have a suggestion? Questions about our sex toy reviews? Just want to say hello? I would love to hear from you.
Related posts:
- Proposition H8: An Open Letter to Andy Pugno
- An Open Letter To Blackberry – Quit Being Such Stuck Up Prudes
- Why Do Men Cheat?
About the Author
Nicole Antoinette, 25, is a blogger, cheese addict, and all around ridiculous girl whose main goal is to meet every single person on the planet. When she's not furiously typing over at nicoleisbetter.com, her blog that's wildly inappropriate and not at all safe for work, she can be found mainlining iced tea, tweeting about her vagina, or accidentally driving the wrong way down all the damn one way streets of San Francisco.
{ 60 comments… read them below or add one }
Ahhh,,, even for this married chick, this rules. Hardcore.
And can someone PLEASE tell me where I am supposed to look during a handjob? At his weird toes? At his face? I TELL YOU WHERE – the tv.
Oh my God, I wish I had just taped that to my front door when I was single. Would have saved me from so many annoying conversations. That was awesome.
Just simply amazing! Wish there was a star system here. 5 out of 5. Perfectly written. Hilarious and honest.
Brilliant. That is all. Effing brilliant.
Little known fact: Dudes fake orgasms probably more often than women do, but it’s to make it appear as though they lasted longer than they did. And you are a bad person for not telling the dude you used his razor, not because it’s gross, but because he didn’t know to have it framed to give future razors a role model to look up to.
This post makes ME want to sleep with you.
@NicoleIsBetter – Thanks very much for contributing such an in-your-face, truth be told and laugh out loud guest post
^ What Jenn said.
Seriously agreed on points 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.. 5… FIVE………
When you say “find another place to stick it,” what EXACTLY does that mean?
Fact: blowjobs > handjobs.
So, to recap: both Jenn and Teresa will sleep with me based on this post alone, which is pretty much the best thing I’ve ever heard. And I think Matt wants a blowjob. Somebody clear my damn schedule already.
So, best sex you’ve ever had. GO.
Here’s a secret about men… or at least the men I’ve spoken with about this. Women have breasts. Breasts are beautiful. When a man looks at breasts he can feel a visceral part of his brain start to take control.. aka. Lust. Bigger breasts tend to inspire stronger lust reactions.
The desire to replicate this reaction in the female of the species is strong but the problem is that most women just don’t have this reaction in regards to looking at a cock. This is disappointing the male.
There are two remedies for this. Take the longer, more arduous path to get into her head and find out what it really is that turns a specific woman on, knowing that whatever lesson you learn won’t be universally applicable. OR pretend that women love big cocks and if they don’t that they are lesbians.
DShan- Well, there was this one weekend in Chicago…
1) You shouldn’t give handjobs because they suck balls. But, if you have to give one you could try staring at his/my cock. I mean it would turn me on to think my penis is the equivalent of sunset in Hawaii.
2) Nothing wrong with a clean looking vag. Don’t get too carried away though Nicole, as Hank Moody told us in Californication, we might now want a 60’s Playboy bush, but sometimes it’s not terrible to know that we are fucking a woman with a little pubis. I like to keep my pubes trim tight my package. What is an ideal guy length?
3) I love that Phil pointed out that men fake it, but warning!: most of the time the girl can tell unless her vagina is on some sort of barbituate. And you know what Nicole, show me how and I’ll make every effort to get you off and I’ll fucking enjoy it!
4) Phew!–It’s pretty average.
5) I like you?
Edit: I suck at typing.
2) now=not, tight ON my package
I am SO GLAD to find out I’m not the only one who hates giving hand jobs. And I totally agree with you on the penis size thing – big isn’t always better, and sometimes is really worse.
Love your post, it makes me feel better about the way I think about sex.
So, uh, how about that sex change, sugarplum?
I’ll get a nice average size cock and you won’t ever have to give me handjobs. DONE.
Yay Jamie! More people to add to the list of times I’m going to get laid via this blog!
Handjob? Just close your eyes and think of unicorns and rainbows.
I LOVE THIS. All of this. And from what I hear, Chicago = Great Sex.
From what I hear.
TOTALLY with you on points four and five. There’s a point where a big penis becomes just TOO big and the thought of it going inside me . . . well it tenses me up and when THAT Happens . . . PAINFUL. And as for unprotected sex . . . nope! NOT Happening.
dshan, nicole? wait. Did i not hear about this?
fuck
p.s. this is awesome.
*Awesome*
1) Handjobs: Stare directly at it, purr and coo gently while whining ‘oh yeah, oh yeah’ as if you were orgasming just by being in its presence. TRUST.
2) Pubic hair: Boy pubes make penises (peni? penis’ – whatever) look smaller. This should be more than enough reason to buy a trimmer. I don’t care so much about what girls have going on down there. But y’all knew that.
3) Fake Orgasms: that sounds like a lose/lose. You know…unless it’s getting really late or there’s something good coming on tv. Like The Nanny.
4) Big Dicks: Like angry animals that attack specifically your orifices and don’t call you the next day, oversized dicks are better in pictures than in your vagina. Or other…..you whore.
5) No Glove, no love: prayer and regret may keep you from getting pregnant, but not from disfiguring warts and scabs that make your junk look like the Grand Canyon in a way that won’t land you in the Seven Wonders of the World. Or is it Eight? I don’t know. You look it up.
**I would still sleep with you.
Chelsea: Clearly you need to get your phone back. Because *clearly* there’s a conversation you’re missing out on. Clearly. Ahem sex in Chicago ahem
(1) Whatever tickles your pickle?
(2) Amen! I’m not about to work overtime foraging through the jungle to make you happy.
(3) – (5) Roll them into your “honesty” rant at the end, and you’re set.
In response to DShan: it involves a beach and a lifeguard tower in LA.
Nice work Scott. Although beach sex needs to somehow handle the sand situation.
Based on my (admittedly less than yours – BUT THAT’S NOT SAYING MUCH) experience, I have to strongly DISAGREE with #4. Sorry, folks!
BEST POST FOR A FRIDAY THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN…. because i will be dreaming about her all weekend long… and my husband will be jealous…. and possibly dreaming about her all weekend long after i make him read this post.
FANFUCKINTASTIC!!!!
Great post!
However, something is to be said about the backwards handjob. It is much less effort than a blowjob, with a better response.
And, I stare at the general crotchal region. You know, to fluff the ego.
Just caught that Ben said he’d sleep with Nicole. File that one away:)
I learned quite a bit in the 15 minutes that I spent reading and re-reading this post. Oh boy!
1.) I’m not a fan of handjobs. Blowjobs DEFINITELY > handjobs.
2.) Honesty = win. I’ve never faked anything with a girl, and I never plan on it. And I hate when I find out a girl DID fake with me, because I’d rather her just tell me I’m not doing something right, so I can correct what I’m doing, and make it better for them.
Isn’t that ultimately what Sex is about? Intimacy?
So basically, you can add me to the list of people who want to sleep with Nicole because of this post.
Because YES.
I want to mass photo copy this and tape/tack it around school campuses.
Bwahahaha! I think this should have been tattooed on my arm when I was single.
Aunt Becky- Do you want to come with me to the tattoo parlor? Because I’m heavily considering it.
blowjobs > handjobs. that’s some math i can get with. and there’s nothing like some bald for increased sensitivity. but i can also go with a 5:00 shadow. this post made feel frisky. xoxoxo
This is pretty great. Hopefully it’s the first of many, and I totally am not just saying that so I can take notes in order to get Nicole panties off… I mean, yeah, that’d be sweet, but she gives good post too.
PS: I find it funny how pubic hair seems to go in cycles, based on a scientific study called “I watch a lot of porn.” It was all crazy back in the day, then it because almost weird if you saw a single hair, and then over the last few years you’ve seen it come back more and more (or maybe I just watch a lot of Stoya and Sacha Gray… and Joanna Angel… and Jenna Haze… and did I mention I watch a lot of porn?). I know it’s all personal preference, but I find it funny that girls like Nicole get so hung up on it, since (and I certainly don’t speak for all guys here, but) I think guys really couldn’t care less. Preferences, sure, but if we’ve gotten far enough that we can see what your style is down there, we’re probably set on fucking you already, regardless of your situation. I mean, yeah, if it’s been years since you’ve touched it up, I may not go down on you (but let’s be honest: I probably will) but sex? Shit, I’ll fuck a dreadlocked vagina. Maybe. Ok, that might be scary. Where was I going with this again?
You never seem to amaze me! The best part of all of this is the fact that when I read it (along with all your other crazy shit) I pretend you’re reading it to me, in your hundred mile a minute voice that doesn’t sound so fast anymore. Anyways, I love you and that’s all that really matters.
AWESOME! I know we would have been BFF’s back in the day when I was young and single!
I applaud your honesty!
…and yeah The LARGE COCK? Hmmm… All that meat is a just a big waste if he doesn’t know what to do with it. Sad but true boys… this is not a porn and I happen to need a little more then you rocking that shit in and out like some sort of pile driver! *ahem* That just equals me being very unsatisfied, annoyed and REALLY SORE!
Back in my hay day my BFF and I had a mantra when we were done with the boys we brought home to play with…
It went like this:
Um.. No I don’t want to cuddle, I’m done with you. I didn’t ask you to talk, I told you to leave.
I look forward to reading more of your stuff!
I love this post, but I’d like to point out one factual mistake you made, which a lot of us make, and it’s scary stuff (I learned this because I once had a paying job acting in training videos for an STD clinic. No kidding!):
If the dude you’re with has a case of raging herpes to share with you, condoms aren’t going to help. There are many horrible things you can avoid through condom use—including pregnancy, AIDS, syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia—but there’s also a scary lot of things that you can get even if you’re using a condom. There’s herpes, the virus that makes you susceptible to cervical cancer (and if you’re young enough to get the vaccine, it’ll protect you from the most common strains of this virus, but not all strains), crabs, genital warts . . .
Even with a condom, there’s good reason to be careful who you pick to bump uglies with. My rule is, if I’m not comfortable enough with a guy to have a basic conversation about where that thing has been before he sticks it in me, I’m not actually comfortable enough with him to be having sex. Sport fucking works when life circumstances are right, but not without the health conversation.
Wow, what an amazing list! I agree with all of them.
I REALLY don’t like giving handjobs either. Seriously, you can do it so much better so I’m not going to sit there wildly trying to make something happen that you do everyday all the time when I can do many other better things that you cannot do and want me to do anyway. So there
OMG, I wish my work didn’t block Toy With Me and I’d read this sooner. I sort of feel like you’re my long-lost best friend/soul-mate/twin person. Or… ya know. Whatever.
With the hand jobs… I don’t even understand why someone who’s not 12 even tries? Because weird.
And with the faking? Exactly. I would not want a man to fake it if I’m doing a bad job. (Not that that would happen, because I am amazing, so obviously a man would not understand that reference.)
What’s worse than the big-penis aren’t-I-amazing men is the “Are you SURRREEE it’s not too small do you promise omg tell me my dick is ginormous…” men. Seriously, becaues I can tell you that your slightly-smaller-than average penis is just fine and of course big enough if you aren’t an insecure little girl about it. But if you keep pestering me, I’m going to tell you the truth, and maybe take you to a local toy store so you can buy a penis pump. Or some Extenze. Or something.
Great post, though! You are too funny for words!
I don’t understand why women fake it. Well, that is not fair….there is all kinds of BS cultural pressure that leads women and men toward this kind of behavior. But you know its not exactly hard to climax. Just add to the pleasure by pleasuring yourself! I mean if you don’t know how to make yourself climax you probably aren’t going to have much luck getting someone who isn’t a miracle maker in bed to get you there. Its a team sport! Play it!
I am loving the post and the awesome comments here!!!
Oh, but a couple postscripts, because I had to comment before reading comments…
Nomad-
I don’t know what STD clinic you think you worked for… Herpes only causes herpes. That’d be cold sores and cold-sore-like sores on private parts. HPV causes genital warts, cervical cancer, throat cancer, anal cancer… And is generally not going to be passed through a condom. And crabs are lice, yo. Lice. Which, if a girl (or boy) like Nicole doesn’t have pubic hair, there will be no crabs.
Just thought I’d clear up that *ridiculous* statement of sheer ignorance…
Also, I would totally sleep with Nicole. Totally.
Win.
I think I may read #1 to every man I know. And maybe #3…and let’s be real, #5. Who am I kidding? I agree with this 100%.
Just recently I had the “Condoms suck? Not as much as unwanted babies!” conversation. He was swayed by my talking point.
i’m so printing & framing this
Hands down…any guy will choose a BJ over a handjob! The rules/info is awesome and SO true!
@Sarah: Read carefully (and perhaps go back to 2nd-grade English class) before you call my advice ridiculous. I did not say that herpes causes genital warts, cancer, or crabs. That was a list (starting with herpes) of sexually-transmitted infections that exist on parts of the body not covered by a condom. There are many problems, including herpes, and HPV (neither of which ever go away completely, even with treatment) that you can get even if you’re using a condom correctly.
BTW, I stated where I got my information. Where did you get yours, and how does it give you the right to call me ignorant? Condoms help prevent pregnancy and some STDs, but just because ads and posters have drilled that into our heads, it’s dangerous to take it as some sort of religious dogma that “everybody knows” that condoms will protect you from everything.
They won’t. We’ve got to be careful out there, folks, especially if we’re going to be adventurous, and being careful goes beyond just slapping on a holy condom. That’s all I wanted y’all to know.
For a great story about the “condoms save you from everything” myth, plus a lot more great info and ideas, I highly recommend The Redhead’s latest post, “A Naughty Schoolgirl Mouths-Off About Abstinence.”
And to get back to one of our favorite parts of Nicole’s post (which is, overall, awesome. I’m afraid I hadn’t mentioned that yet.): Totally with you on handjobs. I think handjobs are for women who are afraid to give blowjobs, or men who are too shy to ask for them. Don’t be shy, boys. Ask (politely, please! No just shoving my head down there!) and you won’t be disappointed. Blow jobs are more interesting for both of us.
These comments are totally making me wet in the pants.
They love you Nicole. They are all wet and stiff for you.
Ahh Nicole, my life is so much better now that you and your blog are in it.
I think we really need to convince boys that the pill is not equal to a condom. They are not mutually exclusive. When I tell you I’m on the pill, that doesn’t mean the condom is out the window. Falsey false. Who taught boys that?
And as for the hand job, after one of my boyfriends insisted on moisturizing lotion or other such lubricant in like, 10th grade, I’m over them. Too much effort, too awkward, and mouths > hands.
Can we add perhaps a #6, that dry humping my leg doesn’t equal foreplay, either?
Great post. Printing it out and putting it on my bedroom door. I think this will save a lot of awkward morning afters in my future.
Laura- HELL YES TO YOUR NUMBER 6
This is genius. Nicole, I love you. There, I said it.
I NEED every guy who even TRIES to talk to me to read that last paragraph first!
That is possibly the funniest blog posting I have ever read.
Love your writing.
I agree with absolutely everything but the condom part. But I know everyone those people have had sex with, and I'm perfectly okay having sex with them too. Except for that one bisexual guy who's had more partners and has been in more positions than I can count.
But we used a condom that time.
/<3