The other day I was scouring the Interwebz for Toy with Me topics when I came across something that intrigued me: Cuddle Parties. Have you guys ever heard of these, because I haven’t and it just smacks of some kind of crazy hippy dippy new- age crap to me.
But let’s not be prejudiced, and take a look, shall we?
So apparently, cuddle parties have been around since about 2004. Created by Reid Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski, this get-together seems to be spreading throughout the US, Canada, London and Austraila. It is meant to be a drug, alcohol, and sex free way for people to get together and explore touch and affection in a non-sexual way.
People, I guess, are so starved for human touch that they need a place to go just to get some love from people who aren’t going to dump them or make them feel sad.
Well, hell–I can appreciate that. The world is a scary and mean place chock full of douche bags and fuckfaces most of the time, and if you’re someone living alone or are recently separated from someone you love, I bet a nice hug and cuddle from someone who wants nothing else from you feels pretty damned good.
My first question is how exactly is this whole thing initiated? I mean it’s drug and alcohol free, so the typical “social lubricating” that happens at normal parties where you show up nervous and not knowing anyone and then after a couple of shots of tequila you’re best buddies talking very loudly and inappropriately about your bodily functions does not happen. So what exactly do you do when you get there if there’ s (GASP) no cocktail hour first??
The very idea gives me anxiety.
From what I’ve researched, it starts with people arriving (duh), signing in, and changing into a pair of pajamas. I’m guessing they’re probably not sexy crotchless ones, but feetie ones with peace signs or reindeer or kitties on them. Something non-threatening, in any event. Each session is tended by a facilitator who is referred to as a “Cuddle Lifeguard.” This person leads the group through the experience. It starts with a “welcome circle” (sans vodka… I’m still having trouble wrapping my brain around that one) where the rules are clearly laid out (keep your dick in your pants, no touching people without their total consent, etc). Then they do some ice breakers (still no martinis? Unfathomable!) so that at least you are a little more comfortable having these total strangers touching you with their kitty and reindeer pajamas on.
One of the first things they do is practice saying “no” to one another because lord forbid that big odorous guy in the threadbare, stained Austin Powers boxer shorts who didn’t even bother to shave or put on a little pit stick wants to snuggle with you. You have be comfortable saying no to him without being afraid of hurting his feelings–even though I think he totally deserves it for showing up to something like this like who woulda thought.
After the meet and greet welcome circle thingy is over, snugglers engage in two hours of self-directed touching. They play music and eat Cheetos whilst cuddling commences. Yeah, I’m all for free music and snacks–ESPECIALLY Cheetos–but I’m still not sure I’d ever find myself doing this.
Snugglers get a chance to ask for what they want and say “yea” or “nay” to requests to cuddle depending on what they prefer or are comfortable with. It can happen in big puppy pile type groups or one on one. It can be feet against feet (EW! EW! EW!) or as intimate as a full on spooning. There isn’t supposed to be any, but I bet there’s some “cuppage” going on. I know I can’t cuddle my husband without there being any boob “cuppage.”
I mean seriously, is that even possible? I’m skeptical.
The rules are that nobody gets to touch anybody without total permission first. Throughout the session, the “Cuddle Lifeguards” participate in the group and are there mostly to ensure that it flows properly and to offer support when things come up like
“where’s your hand right now?”
“Between two pillows.”
“THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS! GET OFF OF ME YOU PERVERT!”
“Umm. What’s that thing poking into my back?”
The goal is to make all participants feel relaxed and like they are getting the most out of the experience and not getting groped or stabbed in the ass with somebody’s boner. Once it’s over, the event wraps up with a “closing circle” where they sort of wrap it up and go get ready to change out of their SpongeBob Squarepants sleepshirts and back into their non-cuddling clothes.
Apparently after leaving one of these parties, participants leave feeling super-relaxed, touched, valued and cared for. They feel connected to other people in a way they didn’t before and sometimes, the party participants even end up going out back and fucking like rabbits in the car going out for coffee later. The rest go home to take a shower because hey it’s flu season and you can’t be too careful.
The goal at the end is to rejuvenate safe human touch as a way to heal what ails you. Research I found online backs this up (although I have no specific sources to share with you because I am lazy). Scientists have found that hugging for just 20 seconds is enough to boost levels of the hormone oxytocin and maintain them throughout an entire day. Oxytocin makes you feel good and protects against heart disease. Hugging can also reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol which is associated with anxiety, physical tension, anger and weaker immunity.
It still sounds like a bunch of hippy-dippy crap to me because I get plenty of hugs throughout the day and I’m still all fucked up, but hey! If it makes other people feel better, so be it. It’s a lot nicer and healthier than popping a Xanax every time we feel unsafe and unloved, right? Slightly less convenient though.
The cuddle party sounds like hell to me because my heart is made of granite and I flat out do not like to be touched. I have issues with the doctor’s office, the hairdresser, the manicurist, the eyebrow threader, the dentist, and you will never, ever catch me getting a massage from a stranger. I don’t even really hug my mother unless I really, really need it. My husband is kind of allowed to hug me, but only for a moment and only if I’m not too busy. (My kids are a totally different story, btw. I’m not that cold of a bitch. They get hugged as much as they want. Probably more than they want, actually.)
Clearly, I’m one of these people who walk into any given party and die 8 hundred times because PEOPLE ARE HUGGING ME! I DON’T KNOW THESE PEOPLE WHY ARE THEY HUGGING ME? I almost always make sure my hands and arms are full so I’m totally not open to such touching, so far be it from me to walk in wearing my jammies and be like “who’s up for some snuggles?”
So tell me Toy with Mes! Are you huggable? Would you consider participating in one of these things, or is it just a gang bang for pussies? Does it work? Do you feel loved? I’m dying to know if any of you have ever been to one, because, like I said, I just don’t see it in my future…