I remember rolling my eyes when the single friends I knew would call Valentine’s Day “Singles Awareness Day.” Not because I hadn’t had to deal with Valentine’s Day as a single person, but because it just seemed so fucking melodramatic. I mean, I’d been through Father’s Day without being a father myself and hadn’t cried my eyes out in my bedroom listening to “All By Myself” on repeat while eating a pint of “Chubby Hubby” ice cream. Maybe I’d just missed the point, though, because I’d usually been in a committed relationship for the holiday and hadn’t felt like it was really anything special. I’d never had any urge to shape my pubes into a heart and dye them red. I mean, any more than I NORMALLY did.
I Don’t Handle Grand Gestures Well
I’d generally worked on Valentine’s Day because I worked as a waitress and it was like number two (only to Mother’s Day) on the most highly restaurant-ed holiday of the year. Which goes to show you that men think women want to go out to eat. But overall, it’s never been a holiday I held a lot of stock in. I normally had a boyfriend or a husband and even still, I always dated (or married) the sort of guy that tended to not make much of a fuss about the holiday. That’s okay with me, because I don’t handle big shows or grand gestures well either. I think I’d probably pass out if I showed up to a restaurant and a violinist heart-fully played “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” while my husband gazed longingly into my eyes over champagne and caviar. But I don’t actually know because I’ve never been in that position before. Ever.
I Call It VD Day
The whole holiday seems like it’s a whole lot of build up for something that’s not really all that exciting. Kind of like prom, really. But I’m the person who got too drunk to actually make it to her Junior prom, so there’s that. It’s not surprising to me that people who aren’t in serious relationships look at Valentine’s Day -which I always refer to as VD Day because I am very, very mature- and feel a mixture of envy and sadness. Whereas I look at it and say “what am I going to buy myself this year?”
A Neon Sign Screaming “I’M SINGLE!”
Jewelry commercials tout “Valentine’s Day Specials” with crappy quality semi-precious stones in ugly heart shapes, restaurants advertise “specials for two,” pizza places make heart shape pizzas (okay, that’s cool) and every retail establishment tries to cash in on the holiday by making you think that you MUST HAVE heart-themed merchandise. It’s no wonder single people notice that they’re single. How could you not? It’s like a glaring neon arrow hanging over your head that blinks “SINGLE, SINGLE, SINGLE.”
Lesbian Valentine’s Day
Really, though, the only Valentine’s Day that I’ve ever had any fun was the year that we celebrated Lesbian Valentine’s Day. Now, I’m not gay or even bisexual, despite having made out with plenty of girls in my time, (Katy Perry, despite her stupid song, got it right. Girls are better kissers) but one year, three of us girls happened to all be between relationships during Valentine’s Day. Not only were we between relationships, but we were miserably between relationships if you get my drift. No one was happy about our single status and everyone was taking our loneliness pretty hard. Rather than sit around on VD-Day crying into our cheeseburgers and martini’s, we decided that we needed to take action.
Oh yes, it was time for Lesbian Valentine’s Day.
My Big Pink Vibrator
So, we made plans that year to get together on VD-Day, which happened to fall on a Saturday (which meant that I didn’t have my son). Dressed up in our finery, we went out for a dinner of cosmopolitans and cheese fries and after dinner, a little drunk, I was presented with the best present I’ve ever gotten for Valentine’s Day. Big Pink. My vibrator. My electric boyfriend. Probably the sturdiest dildo ever made and still going strong seven years later. Yeah, you read that right. Seven years. Seven years of regular use and abuse. The one I bought myself for my birthday this year is about to be tossed out the window (note to myself: do not buy cheap vibrators because they will break your vagina) but Big Pink is still alive. Mostly.
Girls Gone Wild? Not So Much
I’m sure that it would make for a far better story if I then told you that we all went back to a hotel to engage in a lingerie clad pillow fight and to test out our new vibrators together like a Girls Gone Wild video, but I’m pretty sure that we just got hammered on more martinis. You think what you want, though. Imagination is a wonderful thing. Plus it makes for a more exciting story.
I’m A Boring Old Fart
Valentine’s Day just hasn’t been the same since Lesbian Valentine’s Day though, because I’m an old boring fart. So this year, rather than dining on Chicken McNuggets with the kids I’m thinking that it’s high time that I am going to have to recreate Lesbian Valentine’s Day, Take Two. Since I’m not quite friends with the girls from the original Lesbian Valentine’s Day and my other girl friends are all in the sort of relationships where Valentine’s Day is annoyingly cutesy (read: they have no small crotch parasites bouncing off the walls to contain), I’m going to have to improvise. If it worked for Lou Reed, it can work for me too, right?
I’m sure Dave will be positively thrilled when I come at him with a wig, razor blade, and some heavy tranny makeup come February 14. Happy Valentine’s Day, indeed.
What about you? What do YOU think about Valentine’s Day? Overrated Hallmark holiday or a day to genuinely express true love while gazing adoringly into each others eyes? (throws up onto self)
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
Normally I enjoy just fine because its another excuse to go to an interesting restaurant and tickle my fancy for unique and expensive foods and wines. And chocolates. But since I am going through a separation and have not had sex in 2 years I am feeling RATHER BITTER about V Day.
I am going to hire a babysitter to watch my kids and curl up with Eve Ensler all day I guess. Arg. Ick. Ugh. May I borrow big pink?
Baby, come on over. I’ll celebrate with you. WE can do Lesbian VD-Day together.
Camille Bright-Smith – Knowing Aunt Becky this will somehow end up as a massive Lesbian VD-Day slumber party!
Aunt Becky – I would like to formally invite myself, ’cause, well, gee, um ……. I have a huge crush on you.
As you all know, I HATE cooking so V Day is a double bonus for me. Dinner out – plus – a most amazing dessert with @Mr_ToyWithMe
I gorge myself on chocolate vaginas (sold by the Pussy Posse, in conjunction with V-Day) and figure out which monologues they used, this year, in my tiny version of “Vagina Monologues”.
I might send one to my best friend.
My favorite is the dark chocolate.
We’re babysitting our friend’s kid all weekend so they can go on a romantic Valentine’s getaway. Not only is it VD-day, it’s also the anniversary of their engagement. *Swoon.*
Valentines day makes me want to puke. Unless my husband comes home with diamonds, I want no part in it.
Valentine’s Day or VD as it is affectionately referred to, should truly be the day you get the best ever toe curling, eyeball popping, curtain climbing orgasm! With or Without a Partner!!!
I highly recommend a “Big Pink” for EVERY SINGLE lady on the planet!!
I hate VD-Day for about 5,975 reasons, but the main one is that people are dumb. I remember years ago someone telling me their were waiting until the 14th to tell their boyfriend that they loved him. I’m pretty sure that waiting until a certain day to tell someone that you love them is a bunch of bull crap. You should tell the people in your life you love them EVERYDAY not just one day. (Two if you count Sweetest’s Day, whenever the crap that is.) One day to celebrate love is a bunch of bull.
That, and I’ve never had a “good” VD-Day, so I see no reason to celebrate a crappy day.
I never really cared much about it. It’s my moms b-day so that usually has priority.
That was until my hubs discovered March 14th was the unofficial man’s holiday (affectionately known as “Steak and BJ Day”). That means I better get some good action if he wants a good BJ.
Not real crazy about the “holiday” myself. It happens to be my birthday and I’m at the age where it’s starting to suck! The only good thing is that the hubby is realllyyy generous with gifts (good hubby!).
Now I want a chocolate vagina. Where the hell can I get a chocolate vagina?
I used to sell the heart shaped gem stone jewelry to last minute male suckers (shoppers) for years, I think that this may have had a pretty strong effect in my opinion of VD Day. It’s really just another day, and a mass marketed way to get people to spend money that they don’t really have. I guess I did profit off of it for a long time, and it didn’t really bother me too much then!
I would prefer for my husband to just be nice and agree with me all the time, not just on VD Day. He kind of scares me when it comes to gift giving on this particular day, my worst one was a singing telegram with a balloon as big as my kid, on a day where I was trying to sell the heart shaped gems stones to suckers at the mall….pretty embarassing, really.
If you set your sights too high on VD day you are sure to be disappointed. I hope for chocolates and holiday sex, but often settle for a cuddle.
Usually I dress like the Grim Reaper, gut the warm bellies of puppies and then throw them at restaurant windows were couples are sharing flaming fucking strawberries are some similarly absurd dessert.
Not really. I like puppies.
Honestly, I do the same thing every year and that is, I buy new pajamas for my herd and I buy myself a new silky set as well.
Oh I’d like to be a little romantic and say, it’s not true. But the evil demon within me also nods at ‘VD Day’.
I hate it when everyone at the office goes nuts over this day, as well as the flower deliveries. Valentine’s Day at the office is just another day for people to try and lord it over those who are single or those who don’t care what day it is.
GAG on VD Day! Too much pressure. What if I’m in a really bitchy mood and I don’t feel like being all in love and shit? What then, fake it?
I want a chocolate vagina too. Hmm, what if MY vagina were chocolate? Never mind, I’m not that flexible.
I do pull out the red vinyl on V-day. Is that what makes it special? But now I am thinking feeding each other chocolate vaginas is the most fantastic idea ever!!! Holy hell, how have I missed this??
Dinner on a 4 hour wait is the dumbest thing ever. Love of my life did make me dinner in bed one v-day. It was whipped cream and wine straight out of the bottle. Hell to the yeah. He’s such a romantic. I’m not trying to feed the marketing machine, I am one of it’s creators, that is bad enough. I want sex, chocolate (now in the shape of vaginas, bet I can find penis shapes, too) and, well, yeah, more sex.
Aunt Becky: Here, the Pussy Posse. But *they* get them from the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. So it’s pretty damn good chocolate. I think they might only sell it online, though… under their “novelties” section. And if they’re selling them to us for $2, I can’t imagine they’d be all that expensive. Luv~
Wicked Shawn: They have cocks, too. About as big as my ex-boyfriend’s was. [insert collective high school "OOOOooohhhh!" here]
My beloved is in Korea this year. Having been w/o any assisted sexy goodness for 5 months has made me lonly AND horney so I’m all in for some lesbian Valentines day goodness.
In all probibility I’m going to be: volenteering on Friday for my Younger daughters Val. day party. Baking cookies with the girls, then crying alone in my room on Sunday. yeah I rock.
i think it’s a conspiracy promoted by hallmark.
“a day to genuinely express true love while gazing adoringly into each others eyes? (throws up onto self)”
Isn’t that EVERY day? I mean, it’s not like you stop loving all the other 364 days of the year….
I’m single this year too, lol.
I used to think it could be used as a good excuse for my husband to actually say the words “I love you” or bring me some flowers, since he was sooo not remotely romantic the other days of the year. Over the courst of our 18 years together I gave up on him. I didn’t want dinner and romance and candles and violins…I just wanted someone to acknowlege his love for me. Give me a card. Buy me a flower. I did the same, and he criticized me for wasting his money.
I’m TOTALLY on the lesbian VD day bandwagon. I loooooooaaaathe valentines day. The first “valentines day” I actually “celebrated”… I had gotten dumped two days previous because I refused to “put out”. (stupid bf was a virgin- I wasn’t, so he figured he didn’t have to work for it… he dumped me for a REAL slut- who dumped him for a bigger cock- true story!!) I went out with some other single friends and got home to a panicked message from my mom- a good friend from the town I’d just moved away from 2 weeks previous had shot and killed himself. Happy f’n valentines day. I never celebrated it again. Until I met my husband- and we celebrate “Valentines” on the 24th of February. That’s the day we got engaged- for our first VD day- he was half way across the country.
I make a big deal out of Valentines Day for my kids. And my hubby did propose to me on Valentines Day 15 long years ago!
I do think this a ridiculous holiday that puts way too much pressure on everyone. I’m sorry but if I’m not in the mood on Feb 14th – he’s out of luck – I don’t care what day it is. And I don’t want a box of cheap candy or overpriced roses. Buy me some roses on a different day – just because. And I’m definitely not going to a restaurant for a ridiculously overpriced meal in a jam packed restaurant. We usually just get a movie and some pizza and hang out with our kids in the living room in our jammies. Good stuff. And if we are both in the mood (and by both, I mean me cause hubby is always in the mood) we have a private celebration when the kids go to bed.
I’m thinkin the Lesbian VD day sounds like a rockin good time. I don’t want romance on one day a year because you’re supposed to. I want it at random times when I’m not expecting it. Way better.
Valentine’s Day is just another money making holiday for hallmark and florists. And I have told my husband repeatedly “NO FLOWERS” – that is such a waste of money – that is money I could spend on something I REALLY WANT – so give me the cash you were going to spend on flowers so I can make myself really happy!
Valentines Day has always worked out excellent for me. He buys me really good tequila. I make him a card & give him candy (he digs the really good mixed chocolate boxes.) So..basically we just buy for each other what we were going to buy anyways, get drunk, & play rock band.
I really need to do the Lesbian VD Day thing!
VD is just another florist and jeweler holiday. What kills me is that VD crap is on the shelves before Christmas is even over. Don’t even get me started on the card exchange for the kids at school. It’s all about marketing. Bah.
The Husband & I never celebrate VD on the 14th anymore! He is usually working on 2/14 anyway, so we just pick a day to have our own personal VD! Why pay 3 times as much for flowers b/c of the date? Screw that!
so about this chocolate vagina and cock, are they random naughty bits or can you custom order
oh yeah…this VD day it’s gonna be me and the beaver because batteries never let me down
I want the gay cats from the other story on this site.
I have celebrated exactly ONE Valentine’s day. I was a freshman in high school and I was with my first serious boyfriend, who happened to be annoyingly sweet. He was the kind of guy who not only remembered every anniversary and holiday but who also went overboard on the mush for them. We had only been together one month (exactly, aww) and I got a teddy bear, a purple rose (for our one month anniversary), a pink rose (for Valentine’s Day), and chocolates. I was an asshole even then, though, and I ended up laughing until I cried. I still feel bad about it to this day. And, even though we were together for 4 more years we never celebrated another Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day is for people who like romance and mush, jewelry, flowers and chocolate. I am not a big fan of those things. I just want me some sex and I’m satisfied ANY day of the year.
I want a chocolate vagina and a lesbian VD day!
I detest the holiday – although I’m happily married and if I wanted him to, he’d at least give me a card. No, it’s childhood drama. I wasn’t popular, and VD day managed to rub that in and hurt every stinking year we did those little paper cards. Somehow most people in the class would have run out of whatever candy they were enclosing or taping to the valentines just in time for mine. Just awful.
Luckily my husband suffered such misery as well, so we’ve mutually declared it a dead holiday.
Wish I could totally ignore it, but the kids are now both in school. My youngest, in pre-k, came home with a backpack absolutely stuffed with candy. No chocolate vaginas though. Pink plastic toy gun, but no chocolate.