People are not that stupid. I once liked to think they were but I know better now. For the most part, I guess I’ll give you that the majority of the population is not too observant, but some of them are-bless their hearts or fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke. It all depends on your perspective.
There is a woman at my gym, a Pilates’ instructing acquaintance of mine who I think is having an affair with the running coach over there. Mary has two kids and has been in that mommy world for the last ten years. Running about after her kids, working at the gym and as a nurse, working out…just a busy little bee. But as of late, hmmmm, and I mean in the last 6-8 months, the metamorphosis has begun.
Want To Lose Weight? Have An Affair
When you go to the gym a lot, and you see the same people all the time, you begin to notice things-if you’re an observant person, that is. First-the weight loss. If you really want a sure fire way to rid yourself of that nagging 5-10 pounds, have an affair or get a divorce. (Often, these two things happen concurrently.) Yeah, so someone who has always worked out with you and has always looked the same suddenly whittles herself to a size 2…hmmm.
The Scrunchie Has Left The Building
Next comes the wardrobe. Oh no, those ugly sweats that seemed to suffice for so long have gone the way of the scrunchie. Suddenly, it’s all about the $80 Lulu Lemon breast lifting sports top with the matching butt hugging leggings. I am in no way harshing on these clothes. They’re awesome; I love them. But their sudden appearance speaks volumes! Okay, on to the hair-which was once perennially tied back in the aforementioned scrunchie (yikes!). It is now perfect-whether that means it’s curled beautifully or ironed pin-straight without a chance of frizz-it’s completely coiffed when said subject exits the locker room.
Then, of course, there is the lingerie; the most telling piece of all and the most difficult for the general observer (i.e. people on the street) to know about. Yes, yes the assortment of hanky pankys and matching bras-again, beautiful. I, myself, would never be caught without them! But when you’ve been a Jockey wearer for 10 years and all of the sudden, day after day, it’s the peek-a-boo panty-something’s up.
A Charmer With A Chiseled Body
I know who the said stud is for various reasons. One was a bit of a gimme. I was chatting with one of my buddies whom I don’t get to see nearly enough and we were talking about the running coach because he coaches her husband. Her face got quite dark and she told me that allegedly Dave was having an affair. She was quite dismayed because we both adore his wife and two kids but I was certainly not surprised. This man has charm to burn, a chiseled body and serious ego to spare. That was several months ago and I just stuck in my little memory file where I house information that has no purpose.
Yes, I am Fucking The Married Running Coach
Then one day, as Mary and I were both doing our respective hair, (she being new to the hair-doers of the gym) it all clicked. She was telling me about the next marathon she was running and mentioned Dave’s name-at least twice. They were both running the marathon…along with other people in the running group but I am no fool. When you can’t have someone for your own, you mention them in every context available. It’s the only way you can have them in your life and let the world around you know that they’re part of their world without screaming Yes, I am fucking the super hot married running coach which is actually what you think you want to do. Trust me, you don’t want to do this but you think you do.
It Takes One To Know One
Mary just got a new swimsuit and they both happen to be training for the same triathlon. At the gym where I workout this is not a strange occurrence, but as they sat together, alone, in the hot tub after a swim practice, there was absolutely no question in my mind-what so ever. I could smell the stink through the glass partition. I probably wouldn’t be busting Mary like I am on this blog if she hadn’t busted me several years ago. The wrong and horrible situation I was ensconced in was there for the observing if you had two eyes.
My situation and I would always kiss each other good-bye. At the gym. Every day. Kiss each other. Not in a makey-outy sort of way, but on the lips and anyone in the vicinity could have, should have, been able to read it. Once that hideous and heartbreaking affair had ended and The PigDog left his wife for his secretary, it came to my attention that people had actually thought that he and I (read: feigned effrontery )were having an affair. The secretary got me off the hook. Apparently, according to my friends, Mary had been one of the observant, but in my eyes she was merely a gossiper who knew not of what she spoke; which was true at the time. Now she does, and let me tell you, I really feel for her. She has no idea the anvil that awaits her. It can come in so many forms but one way or another it will come. I feel like leaving her note that says Hey, word on the streets is you’re sleeping with Dave. Thought you’d want to know…Forearm her, wake her up, most anything-not in a judgmental way-just to let her know. I wish someone had done the same for me.
So tell me…. Have you ever known someone that was having an affair? Did you talk to them about it? Did it impact your relationship? Have YOU ever had an affair?
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
I have had two affairs on and off over the past four years and have had other more brief encounters that for one reason or another did not turn into an affair. They were just one time sex.
No one knows about my secret life and I do all that I can to be discreet so that no one on either side gets hurt. I seek the magic of a woman's touch because I am in a loveless (on her part) and sexless marriage that I just can't bring myself to leave yet.
I am happy to answer any questions that you might have about the situation
I haven't had an affair, but I have been on the observing side. It's rough. I also, through charm or grace, seem to be the person who can say just about anything and keep friendships intact. So yes, I said something.
I fall into the camp of "If we're not getting what we need from a primary relationship, let's talk about it. How do we fix it?" I'm not judging anyone who seeks sex or love or emotional fulfillment outside of a marriage or primary relationship. I just feel that if I really need to sex someone else up, I'd prefer my husband and I talk about that — I'm changing the rules of our arrangement and he deserves to know so he can walk if he wants to. I would like the same courtesy.
My one particular friend does not fall into this camp, and it makes me sad to watch. She's unhappy when she doesn't have a new conquest, but she's not really happy when she does.
For the past 10 years, every single relationship I have had has been with ME as “the other woman”. I have severe trust issues and I refuse to let anyone close to me, so I persue men that cannot possibly dig too deeply or get too close.
Also, by knowing that these men aren’t completely devoted to me, I am never disappointed by them; I appreciate every single minute I have with them because I know they are making an extra effort to see me.
A couple of times, it resulted in more feelings than were originally intended, so we talked about the reality of our situation and backed away.
I know its wrong, but its what I do. I have my psychological reasons for it.
Yes, I have had one affair. I've known others that have and have at times talked to them about it. I used to have a lot of opinions about what's right/wrong, good/bad about all that. Now, not so much. There's a lot of gray area that I didn't appreciate before.
It's not to say that I think that any excuse for an affair is a good one. I've broken my vows. I failed on that front. I'm also in the process of leaving my wife. That started before I had the affair. So, I just put myself on the market early. In fact, it was the single event that helped move me along in the process. Also, my wife did give me permission at one point "to do whatever I needed to do, just be safe".
Still, it's not easy or straightforward. Not even close. It's been pretty damn complicated, for sure. I've felt more genuine feelings for this person in just a few months than I have in a long time. I would love the opportunity to take the relationship farther with her, but this time I'm the one on the outside.
And the fitness part? Hell, yeah! I'm in better shape than I've been in decades and it started before the affair. My primary objective is to age gracefully and be healthy. Of course, becoming some sort of sex object would be just "icing on the cake". I've never experienced that before. I'm looking forward to it and I'm getting close…
I did actually fall in "luv" with my trainer once…and TRIED to get him to date me, but he was too loyal to someone else and thank GOD because that behind the back shit is not for me…
Personal trainers get to see really vulnerable sides of you. They push and praise you. If they're hot — you think you love them.
I used to think that I would never be unfaithful. I was never cheated on and I never cheated. It was black and white.
Then, after kids and responsibilities and a poor self esteem, the lines blurred. I played with fire and got the attention I thought I wanted. I opened a door that should have been kept closed, because I was wrong.
Luckily my husband and I are working through it. But, it continues to haunt me. I still don’t know why I did it. But I will never do it again.
I am currently in the middle of a three year long affair. I am also in the middle of an-are-we-or-aren't-we-separating marriage.
I love my husband. But when every day is a fight, when all you do is scream at each other, sometimes there's no other choice but to find a place where that negativity doesn't exist.
I love my "affair" as well. I have not confessed, nor will I ever. I think it's wrong to confess just to ease your guilty conscience when it'll put the other party through a world of pain, and cause them to have trust issues for years to come – whether those years are with you or not.
We do not have kids – which is an issue unto itself. I now suspect that he is having an affair with his ex girlfriend. The difference between our affairs, is mine isn't with someone who's unavailable. His is.
I live a serious double life – my affair is more than well aware that I am married, though. It's not easy, and there are days I don't know why I keep doing it.
Never. I've gone one penis too many as it is, thankyouverymuch.
I successfully had an affair for all four years of my miserable marriage. Crazy enough, I have absolutely no regrets and don't feel bad about it at all. Neither of us ever got caught. He is still happily married, I am very happily divorced. To this day he and I are still best friends – and 100% platonic now!
I was "the other woman" once. I was in denial about it, and chose to ignore that what i was doing was wrong. She knew about it. She hated me, even tried to run me over with her car in my college parking lot. And yet, I still pushed through and slept with him. We were together for over a year. I was 18 and 19 and stupid. I wish I could go back and change it, that was really not a good period of time for me. So many decisions made for him that I wish I hadn't made.
I fell into the category of 'young and stupid' too ….. ugh if only I could go back and change it too.
I had an affair. I got married too young, I chose a husband before I even knew who I was as an individual. Once I made the decision to have the affair I knew I would get a divorce, I had no intention of trying to carry on with my marriage as if the affair never happened. Outside of hurting my Ex, I have no regrets, it needed to happen for personal growth.
Similar situation. My affair was the catalyst I needed to find myself and make my life better, it wrenched me out of nearly four years of post natal depression (it wasn’t pretty, it hurt like he’ll for a month or two- but it worked). I was wrong to settle down at the age I did (met t husband aged 18), but I was right to have the affair. Best thing I ever did for myself.
I've been the one who's been cheated on before and I've also been the other woman. I sought others out usually because I was searching for someone to make me feel better.
In my experience these things end badly. I've been deeply hurt once as a result of an affair. I fell in love, my mistake.
I agree with one of the other comment's though, never confess. All that confession does it alleviate your own guilt and hurt the other person. Confess to someone you can trust. Not to your partner.
Hmmm…. Im odd man out. married to two women over 26 years and never once stepped out. Each one however had a bout a dozen friends that tried so the best friends usually are not. Or theirs were not. The first wife had a hereditary mental disorder and I had no choice but to end it. All4 siblings were afflicted and no hope for even control with meds. The second just recently started an affair with her first husband via phone and txt long distance and he got caught by his wife and it ended their marriage. When I found out, I terminated mine. 4 lives destroyed and 4 families injured, because she thought she wanted to play with her clit and txt message her ex. I forgave her and never once said anything harsh or hurtful. We are still friends. I understand the lure and the illicit excitement adds an adrenalin spike to life. But I never was unfaithful so the prize was her losing everything. I give what I expect. You want different, end the current one and THEN go find different.
No big deal actually for me. I am a very nice, sweet, loving and caring man with never a harsh word, or ill act. Im a good provider and an excellent lover. I know the 11 important days of the year that females gauge a mans love from and I come through in a big way. I fully understand all of the intricate emotional needs women have and after learning and experiencing me meeting those needs, I like them met for me too. I have an above average sex drive. 2 to 2 and a half times the average male. I am open to most sexual experiences that don't involve other people. Im average to good looking and have at least 10 ladies that have said yes. They just dont really interest me. I have been a good boy for a quarter century. I wanted my turn to explore and play, for a bit before im ready to settle down. The thing is I think I have found that special one. I am willing to wait and so is she. i told her what happened, and that I had those expectations once there was a commitment. I told her that I love her and dont want to lose her that way. I begged her to never take her love away from me that way. And then I told her I would also leave her within 24 hrs, just like my ex, and it can just be txting and nothing physical. (The crime is giving away your heart.) I dare anyone to find one single woman who would say I was anything other than cordial and proper outside of a relationship. No one can find a single one, I have hit on. online or off. Because it never happened. not even once.
Bottom line. I have value dammit. A lot more value than 95% of the men out there. And if you f*ck around on me……I will be sitting under a palm tree in 24hrs sipping a tall cool tropical beverage and staring at bikini clad tits and pussies from behind my sunglasses, touching them too, helping get them all the way covered with sunscreen……..before 24hrs is up.
Whoa have I been there… both sides of this post. I seem to be popular with married guys (guessing I’m the anti-wife? Who even knows…). But I was the other woman for several years. At first he was “divorced,” which apparently can be defined as “not really even legally separated or having that conversation plus kids = never leaving.” But… by the time his wife called I was so in love my life was flipped upside down and sideways and inside out I bought his bullshit lies for way too long.
I can’t totally blame him; my parents warned me.
Anyway, a lot of years passed where we’d talk and see each other when we could because I believed some ridiculous in some Romeo and Juliet situation. I should’ve remembered to remember they died at the end.
I’ve never been married so I can’t speak for why people cheat. I shouldn’t judge people, but I do, honestly. I think men who cheat (and I suppose, women too, but I’m straight)…. are nothing positive. I don’t know what that man’s wife ever knew or how they dealt with it. I know it changed the person I am. It changed how I trust (when I trust) men, it jaded me to the emotions and complications of marriage, and I think it’s completely selfish to “find yourself” outside your marriage. If you don’t hurt your spouse, you’ll probably hurt the person with whom you choose to play.
I’ve also seen a friend spend the last five years of her life rediscovering every few months that a married man is never leaving his family for her, and that he lies to her continuously. She lies to herself to validate what she’s done. Nothing good comes of this.
I’m not normally one to judge, but I can’t condone any stepping out unless all parties are aware and approve. You’re going to hurt someone, and it’s cruel.
(Personal opinion…)
A couple of times in my early 20s I was pursued eagerly by married men. Both times I did not known they were married, but I can tell you, the signs were there pretty quick and I was willing to see them. I never found dishonest people to be all of that attractive and I'm highly self-preserving — got myself through some pretty harsh times when I was a kid and fixed myself really well with therapy while others were going to university.
Now at 43, and the mom of three small kids, opportunities exist all over the place. Dads at the school are occasionally pretty suggestive. I like to think I toy with them like a cat plays with a mouse … I don't lead them on at all, just bat them around with my paws (verbally speaking) before putting them in their goofy place. And never any behaviour I would not exhibit in front of their wives. In fact, we wives love to roll our eyes at their dorky lovely flirty ways because I only really hang out with the ones that, like me,(a) truly trust their guys and (b) trust me.
Honour comes first. Besides. That first one was tricky to train.
what happened to happily ever after?
i'm still living the dream!
Me too! Even after 25 years!!
I married way too young. My Mom tried to make me promise to wait. But, at 19, you think you know everything.
I say I married, he was married to his beer. He hid it very well when we were dating.
It didnt take long before I knew I had made this huge mistake. 24 hours. Again though, stupid pride, the not-wanting-to-admit-i-was-wrong, and i stayed.
Within a few years though, beer had pretty much taken over his wants and needs. I was on the back burner. Then, I met someone. He was in a bad marriage, but staying until the kids were grown up more. I was in a bad marriage, and felt too overwhelmed to figure out how to get out of it. Then too, when your husband refuses to touch you, in any way, for a few years, your self confidence pretty much exits the building. He was always "too tired", or "i dont feel like it".
We continued our affair for over 8 years. We lived far enough away that we only saw each other a few times a year. We talked every single day on the phone. I ended it when, after the divorce finally happened, I met the perfect man for me.
Looking back, I think we both just needed the emotional connection. Someone to talk to. A friend. I wouldnt take that relationship back for anything. Having him in my life, gave me the confidence to get my life back. We are still friends.
I'm the one that wrote this post, and the whole affair is a slipery slope to say the least. But when you find yourself in the midst of it, it is so difficult to see the light of day. I look back on some of things that I did during the affair and I am completely shocked, as if I'm watching a movie and I can't suspend my disbelief. I was not caught by my husband nor did I ever admit to it-I personally think that would have been completely selfish. I struggle with fidelity to this day. It's a very strange thing in that I really and truly love my husband. I will discuss this subject quite a bit more on my blog those2girlsdancing.com…
i struggle with fidelity too. i have had a few affairs and one night stands and they actually mean nothing to me. their value lies in helping me to reconnect with myself. in my relationships (with partner, children and at work) i am a giver, often giving way more than i receive. so, when the opportunity arises i will sometimes break out (very discreetly, picking my connections very carefully) and have sex with a safe stranger (or friend), just for me. there are never any deep feelings involved, except maybe affection. many of the guys have remained my friends. maybe that is fucked up but it works for me. now that i am getting older i find i don’t really need it so much. menopause will do that to a girl i guess.
I, too, am in the midst of an affair. As others have said, I married young (and stupid), and while the affair was/is not something I'm proud of, it was the catalyst for having the courage to get a divorce. For that reason alone, I don't think I will ever be able to say I completely regret it.
He, too, is married. He tells me he's going to leave his wife. And stupid though it sounds, I believe him.
He is convinced we're being "sneaky"….but, no, I'm not under any illusions that we're fooling anyone. I would venture a guess that anyone who has seen us in any kind of social situation knows exactly what was going on.