Maybe Cosmo’s not talking about it, but Christian couples are doing the nasty. And, in some cases, it’s nasty.
Many sexy Christians quote Song of Solomon, a book of the Bible. It’s chock-full of sexual juiciness. It’s totally Christian erotica!
Song of Solomon 4:16 says, “…spread the aroma of my garden, so the one I love may enter and taste its delicious fruits,” (Contemporary English Version) which I totally take as biblical evidence that my husband should be delighted to go down on me.
I personally find Song of Solomon 5:2 (…The one I love was at the door, knocking and saying, “…open the door for me! My head is drenched with evening dew.”) and 5:5 (When I rose to open the door, my hands and my fingers dripped with perfume.) pretty hot. His head… my fingers… HAWT.
Song of Solomon offers plenty of other goodies, like sex in the outdoors: At dawn let’s slip out and see if grapevines and fruit trees are covered with blossoms. When we are there, I will give you my love. (Song of Solomon 7:12)
I’d like to make clear that the police don’t really appreciate that you’re just doing what the Bible says, if the grapevines and fruit trees are located in a public park or on someone else’s property. Trust me on this one. But your own grapevines and trees, away from the prying eyes of the neighbors? Go for it!
Christian wives are encouraged to feel sexy, and to work it for their husbands: …my breasts are towers, and just looking at me brings him great pleasure. (Song of Solomon 8:10) I totally think that when I see myself naked in the mirror – That’s right, baby…my breasts are towers! You wanna Eiffel me, don’t you? Okay, maybe not so much. But I’m trying to feel it.
My husband and I throw down when we get down. We have few taboos when it comes to what we say, and how we give each other pleasure. Before we married, I didn’t give much thought to what we were doing. I mean, I gave a lot of thought to what we were doing – I just wasn’t all what-would-Jesus-do? about it.
We were living in sin, and we sinned as often and as hedonistically as possible. But, before we got married, God got a hold of both of us and knocked our consciences around a bit, saying, “Stop it! I created sex for married people! You think you can just hack into it with your little cheat codes? Like you can totally just skip right to saving the princess, without taking care of all the scary little mushroom guys and turtle-thingies first?”
Well, that was the general idea, anyway.
(Remember Super Mario Brothers? Sure, you could use the warp tunnels and cheat codes to get to the end, but it wasn’t nearly as rewarding and satisfying as playing all the levels through and collecting as many coins as possible before the big finish.
What? You weren’t a video game geek like me? Fine. Just believe me when I say it’s a perfect analogy.)
So Mr. Wright and I stopped doing what we were doing, because it’s not a good idea to piss God off. And we hurried up to get married, so we could start doing all that awesome stuff again! But… there were problems.
When we married, Mr. Wright expected – and rightly so – a return to all things kinky, but I had trouble. Now that I was all church-y and stuff, I felt a little weird about saying, “F*ck me with that huge c*ck!” and having anal sex and other things we used to do. It just didn’t seem very Christian to me. Plus, it reminded me of the sex I’d had in my previous, un-church-y life, and that was sex I wasn’t proud of because God had not blessed it.
Guess what? I was a douchehat* for thinking good Christian wives don’t do those sorts of things.
There are hordes of Christian women out there, mixing it up for their husbands, and having a great blessed time doing it. These gals believe it’s God’s intent for us to be Kinky Christian Slut Princesses (KCSPs) for our husbands, if that is what our husbands desire. By being my man’s KCSP, I’m pleasing God? It totally makes sense, though! If your man has a hankerin’ to have you ride him with spurs while screaming, “I’m yer huckleberry… C’mon, baby, PAINT MY WAGON…” and you get hot and wet while doing it for him, he won’t lust for someone else to do it with. And lust, my friends, is a sin.
The KCSPs over at ChristianNymphos.org don’t think anal sex is a sin within a marriage, and I’m very pleased to concur. Same goes for double penetration, as long as it isn’t for the purpose of (or cause) lustful thinking about a third person. And – suh-weet! – sex in public and bondage are a-okay, too, within the context of married sex. I was really glad to find out that the very, very dirty mouths on my husband and me won’t send us to hell, either.
There are Christian sex toy companies, believe it or not! Covenant Spice and Book 22 (Not coincidentally, Song of Solomon is the 22nd book in the Bible!) are two of the better-known ones, offering all sorts of lubes, games and toys for the adventurous Christian couple. I’m glad I don’t have to send my vibrator to starving children in Africa to make God happy.
I’m SO over “good Christian wives don’t do that.” Once I found out they do, I became more than willing to (re)join them, which made Mr. Wright extremely happy and very sore and tired – in a good way. Now, “missionary” is a term we reserve only for those brave Christians who travel to third-world countries to teach people about Christ… and have kinky, hot sex with their spouses.
*Lovechild of “douchebag” and “asshat”
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Not only do I understand your analogy, I agree that its perfect. In fact, here is a great video to further illustrate your point: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1937585.
Also: great post.
Well, thanks! Glad to see the fruits of my youth can pay off, in an analogous way.
great article– who says us christians can't have awesome times with our spouses? far too often the guilt/attack of sexuality in the church hurts us…we gotta be free to have fun!
Okay, this is my third time trying to post this comment. Seriously. I feel like a douchehat.
I totally agree with you about the guilt/shame thing, but at the same time, I'm really paranoid that my pastor is going to title his next sermon "SOME Big-Mouthed Broads Need to Keep Their Mouths SHUT About Their SEX LIVES."
Hahahaha!! You have a very creative pastor if uses that title
He actually is pretty creative, but he might try to sneak it in under the guise of "chastening our speech" or something like that.
i actually stumbled across christiannympos about a week ago. i was moderately entertained for a while!
the whole "sexuality is bad" thing needs to go away, no matter what the source. it's time to put a nail in the coffin.
on the other hand, i've noticed that many of the girls who skip over the middle ground, and go right to filthy nasty foulmouthed slut (and i say that with the utmost of respect) are the ones who have been repressing so much for so long…
in other words, without the stigma of something being naughty or taboo, does it become LESS fun, not more? without repression, can there be depravity? without a status quo, can there be a fringe alternative?
i can't say i'm ready to give up ALL the "dirtyness."
I personally think, for married couples, "dirty" should BE the status quo.
But, that's just me.
Oh, and my husband.
is "dirty" still dirty though if every married couple does it?
for me, sure, it's still FUN, but it's not DIRTY–that requires some boundaries to be crossed.
Fortunately, there will always be someone out there who thinks what you are doing with your wife is “dirty.” You can cross THAT boundary, no problem.
I, for example, attend a church where we just had a major “thing” about DANCING IN CHURCH. I’m not kidding.
My church ladies are gonna have kittens when they read this piece.
I'd admire you for speaking out. Perhaps the church ladies will be pissed but could it be because they are not as open minded and therefore missing out?
I remember when I found Christian Nymphos. I was very surprised and impressed. Good for you to being open.
Thanks, Mike.
I really do think there is a general undercurrent of shame and guilt among Christian women.
It’s not beneficial to anyone, least of all those who come into marriage with abuse or cultural challenges already. Married sex should be joyous and healing, not oppressive.
Honestly, I think we tend to view images and form assumptions of people we meet, based on how they portray themselves. This includes or perception of them in the context of sex.
It is easy to forget we all have sexual urges and desires regardless of professions and interests.
You know – the old saying ‘You can’t judge a book by its cover’ still rings true.
I do think that's true, QCG.
Of course, I find that I don't shock people when I talk about sex in social settings nearly as much as I do when I talk about Jesus. People are more surprised to learn I'm a Christian than they are to learn I'm a hottie between the sheets? What's up with that?
I need to start talking about Jesus more, I guess.
What a great article! As the child of a Lutheran Minister (please pass on the jokes) I was raised in a loving, demonstrative family. My parents cuddled and kissed discreetly and we knew they loved each other. When I got older I learned what that locked bedroom door really meant. During many ladies' Bible studies I heard time and again that Christian women do have the best sex lives. And that God has given us that freedom to love and have fun with our husbands as a blessing to our marriage. Thanks again for the funny smart article!
See? I never learned that Christian women have the best sex lives. I had to figure it out.
Aha! And I had to learn it wasn't a cover for what I thought at one time was a dull existence…
i'm a recovering christian, but i'm all about singing this song of solomon. at fever pitch. i like how it has lots of numbers to try, too.
Ah, yes… "Honey, let's try 4:16 tonight, shall we?"
Thank you for saying this! My husband and I are born again Christians and like you we lived in sin, fornicated, fornicated, had baby and then got married. And even though we are complete followers of Christ I just can't get off when my husband says "Let's make love" or when he references the act of marriage so we don't say that. We don't make love. We f*ck plain and simple. And we try everything! We only draw the line at stuff that involves other people. But we have an incredible sex life. I always say I want to write a book for christian married couples called. "Just F*ck!"
Congratulations, Alexandria, on being such a successful KCSP! The Gonzo Mama is proud of you!
For me, I just had sooooo many sexual issues that I couldn't really, really enjoy married sex because I thought I was "bad" for still having such kinky desires. The liberating "aha!" moment was glorious, indeed.
The bible clearly discusses the joys of cunnilingus. Remember that when Constantine was in power the clitoral terms were changed to navel so anytime you hear navel, that is what the original meant. clitoris. Song of songs is my favorite book…..go figure.
Its funny, people picture me with horns and a pitchfork, when that's the exact opposite. I share all of my sexuality with my maker. He made me this way. I assume for a reason.
Really? What can you do with the horns? I'm not quite sure the pitchfork is up my alley, but I have a general fear of sharp instruments… especially when they're going "up my alley." LOL
The more "Oh, God, yes! Do it again, but harder!" you shout, the more little Christians you're likely to make, right?
I never really understood why people thought God stood in the way of great sex.
You are a fabulously open woman… LOVE your site!
Elizabeth
Welcome & thanks for stopping in to comment
Huckleberry! Mmm! Where have you been all my life? I'm making my girlfiend listen to you. We're sort of atheists, until we start talking about God, and then we're all Socrates and shit. By the way we've encoded Song of Solomon 2:6 "His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me." My girlfriend just says, "Gimme a 'biblehug'." You just got a new reader.
Awwww… A Bible Hug! And who doesn't love huckleberries?
We have a general code word for sex in my house, with so many tender ears around: "soup."
As in, "I'd like soup for dinner AND dessert." Or, "Do you think I can get a key to the back door of the soup kitchen?" Or, "Baby, you make the best soup in the world."
Loved this article, The "church" has shamed couples into vanilla sex and the relationships become boring. I love that you believe and also believe that it is OK for christian couples can have outrageous sex if they want.
Gah! I'm having technical difficulties. If this posts twice, I apologize in advance.
I was saying that maybe if there was more dancing in the SHEETS, we'd have fewer disagreements over dancing in CHURCH, because everyone would be too tired to argue over such things.
I also said that I really don't know what's going on in the bedrooms of my church ladies… It might surprise me! Maybe the crochet group should write the next piece?