This month, National Geographic is running an article about the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints (FLDS) group, which is an off – shoot of the Mormon church. First of all, I can’t really tell one Christian from another; y’all just kinda blend together to me. I know there’s Catholic, and then there’s the rest. Whatever. Anyway, FLDS, which is some kinda Mormon – Christian, allows for polygamy, and in fact the more “G-dly” a man is, the more sixteen year old virgins he gets to play house with.
Here’s why that would totally work out for me (but not the sixteen year old part, because that’s gross, and I don’t roll like that):
- I am lazy as hell, but I don’t mind sweeping, so I would totally be the sweeping wife, and let those other chicks do the dishes and laundry. I am way down with that.
- These men tend to be fairly unattractive (we won’t bring up inbreeding here, but I want y’all to keep it in the back of your minds, ToyWithMe kids), so the more other women there are to take their mind off of me, the better.
- What is up with that wicked ass hairstyle? Now I will never have to wonder what to do with my hair that morning. Or ever.
I mean, yes, there are the weird and entirely unflattering dresses, and the manly shoes, but think about how simple life would be! You would know what you’re going to be doing every day for the rest of your life. You don’t even really have to find a mate, because the Church will assign one! That’s so thoughtful. They’re like eHarmony but with fifty year old men and pre – pubescent girls. Awww…
One of the many things I don’t understand about the FLDS is their need to marry girls off so young. Can I ask, what is the obsession with virgins? Why does every woman in the Christian faith have to be a virgin? What is wrong with a chick who knows how to fly that joy – stick on your first run out? For my money, I would think men would want a really hot woman who knows what she’s doing. Maybe even one who could teach you a trick or two! If so, after my husband reads this article, I may be single, so call me… I’ll bring the rope!
Do the FLDS get kinky, you think? I mean, if you only get one night out of a week with your man, wouldn’t you really wanna make it count? If they don’t have nipple clamps, I may not be able to live with them.
Anyway, back to pervs and virgins.
I guess this whole polygamous marriage thing comes from (SUPRISE!!) the Bible, because some old dead guys in ancient times had multiple wives, so these guys in Utah have to have them, too. But you know what? The Bible says a lot of things, and I think it’s got to be up to people to consider whether or not something is realistic nowadays (marrying sixteen year old girls should NOT be a realistic objective). I mean, the law says that you should stop at a “Stop” sign, but, ideally, you also realize that at some point you need to start rolling again, and not live the rest of your life in front of that “Stop” sign. I think my point here is that it’s all well and good to understand the laws, but to follow them blindly leads to inbred blonds living on a compound in Utah. That’s all I’m saying here folks. And fuck, man; Utah is COLD. I would have to sweep those damn floors with my twenty – seven children strapped to my body for warmth. Little Obediah might have to take one for the team and keep mommy’s bottom toasty.
I think my train of thought has derailed and hit a small town, but I hope you’re following me: I could totally be Mormon except that I’m Jewish, I like to have sex (just not with inbred folks), and I would probably end up being the bitchy wife who made all the other wives do the crappy jobs so I could nap during the day. Like, if we could get a wife whose job it was to just bring me snacks in bed, that would be awesome! But then I think it becomes slavery, and that doesn’t work either.
So, maybe I’ll have to stay Jewish, wear my pearls to work, and not wake up at 5 a.m. every morning to get my nineteen children ready to praise Jesus, because frankly, I like to sleep in, and the thought of shooting ONE human out of my vagina freaks me out, let alone twenty or so. Maybe I can just stay the lazy wife of this house, sans the extra personnel. I wouldn’t have to share my husband, but on the other hand, I’m the only one around that he can tell all his bad jokes to.
What would your ideal polygamous household look like? Do you think the FLDS group has the right idea? Would you do my laundry if I sweep your house?
About the Author
The Kinky Jew and her husband got married last year, and live and work in the DC area with their two cats… who don’t actually work at all, but sort of freeload. KJ is a Consultant, and leads a very normal daytime job, which mostly includes Project Management, and working in a predominantly male dominated environment. The Kinky Jew also maintains a blog on PNN where she posts as Hannah Banana. She enjoys discussing sexuality, finance, religion, as well as any other topic that comes to mind.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
I was really hoping that one of the women in that picture would either be wearing a leather hood, or have nipple clamps on. YOU HAVE FAILED ME, MR. TOYWITHME!!!
I actually think its a shame that those women follow blindly into marriages their religious elders order them into. As for the more 16 year old wives the more Godly…oh I think the more 16 yr old virgins these men marry the more disgusting they are! I’d personally head the train to kick all their butts!
I could NEVER live in a polygamous marriage. I am not very good at sharing. I’d be fighting women all day long. What’s mine is mine and I’m not sharing with ANYONE! LOL
I think the FLDS is demeaning to women and only encourages the dirty men involved to think way too much of themselves. Really what they have are wives who act on their every whim. Young women are being used by dirty old men to breed their children. They younger they are the more kids they have to time to have for the men.
As for you comment about Nipple clamps? That was definitely TMI for me. I’m going to crawl back into my comfortable corner now and try not to think about it! LOL
Yeah, polygamy is right up there with not mixing meat and dairy…I suppose the ancients had their reasons for both, none of which apply in any practical way today….except for maybe having a little extra help around the house but a life without cheeseburgers would have absolutely no worth to me.
I keep telling my husband that we need a wife, someone to do the cooking, laundry, house cleaning, so we can relax and watch our shows.
Thanks guys!
MoM – I’ll Photoshop something for you and send it on over this morning. Just a little something to brighten your day. Like a banana with nipple clamps! WEEEEE!
JD – What about cheese with a veggie burger? Can you meet me half way?
VJJ – Fuh realz, yo.
Here’s the thing … I can only imagine that living in a polygamous household (whether it’s in frigid Utah or baking in a compound under a Texas sun) requires far too much patience. All those women and all those fucking kids ….. ugh. Unfortunately, I was born with a patience disorder (so sad) and therefore don’t qualify for this lifestyle/religion/reason to molest teenage girls. And these girls/women seem deeply dedicated and committed. My lack of dedication and commitment is the reason I could never join a gang and so, I’d never make it as one of twenty.
I am strangely compelled to watch some more of Big Love now.
Although, I agree that the whole ‘virgin’ thing may be overrated, unless both people are virgins. Some moments just not worth reliving or romanticizing.
No makeup, curling irons, nail polish or hair spray?!? Just blend in like one of the flock – no thanks. Primarily independent and full of the stubborn I would be like an object on Seasame Street – “one of these things just doesn’t belong.”
ACK. OK. You know how I try really, really hard to be tolerant of all faiths and all paths to what I believe is one higher power? Well, I TRY…but… Mormons are where I draw the line. That’s all I’m going to say because I don’t want to start a war with a Mormon that may stumble on this… unless they want to, ’cause I actually am fairly wise on this subject.
When you said you can’t tell “Christians” apart, every little Non Asian hair on me stood up. PLEASE don’t lump Christians with them, pretty please? Seriously, I’d rather renounce my faith than be lumped with a Mormon. That being said, I believe that you should be able to live however you want to live and do what makes you happy… but they straight up exploit and brainwash children, and that’s disgusting. 16 years old is statutory rape, yo.
Oh, and I should add that, in their defense, most Mormons do denounce polygamy and think this is just as sick as we do. I’m not a fan of the Mormon faith, but I’m not gonna accuse them all of being like these pedophiles, either.
Okay, I get where this post is going, though I didn’t really see it until the last paragraph when you asked what our ideal polygamy household would be.
However, I feel bringing the FLDS in and kind of mocking their lifestyle is a little distasteful. These women and children are forced into the lifestyle, brainwashed, and abused physically, emotionally, and sexually. It’s a miserable existence for many.
The idea of the post could have be funny, but I think the way it was written was fairly tasteless.
That being said, as long as someone else cooks, cleans, and takes care of the kids (and births them, as well), I’ll perform sexual favors. Or run away and find a much more consensual and healthy polyamorous situation.
Britni – Not all of these women are “forced into the lifestyle.” How can you know that? There was one woman featured in the article in National Geographic who was NOT FLDS until she divorced her husband, and then joined the group and married her sister’s husband.
Are there young girls who are abused? I’m sure of it. It’s sad, but it’s the case. I have no doubt there there are abuses that go on in ALL faiths, and in atheism as well. If I’m going to not laugh at everything that can be used as a weapon, we’re pretty much limiting this conversation to yarn and kittens.
Just throwing out there that if you haven’t read Under the Banner of Heaven by Krakauer, you’re missing out. An interesting non-fiction/inside look at the polygamist sect of the Mormon church. Which is more of a corporation. Which is most religion. But I digress.
And speaking from another side – every faith has its extremists. Hasidic Jews, Southern Baptists, Jehovah Witness…names are merely labels assigned that represent a core set of fundamental beliefs. Not all polygamy-practicing Mormons are bad. Just like not all guys driving around in vans with FREE CANDY written on the side aren’t pedophiles.
Wait. Shitty argument.
But you get my point.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut… that’s how I met my husband. Mmmm…. candy!
I think you trailed off somewhere in the middle but the idea? It made me chuckle. Except the wives don’t tend to fuck eachother and, what the hell, if I’m adding another woman to my marriage I better be able to use her for my own.. needs.
Word, Adriana. If you want another wife, I better get to act out my kinky fantasies, too.
The FLDS people are scary and wrong and deluded.
However, we could totally use another wife around here. As long as I could be the head wife, I’m pretty sure I could handle not having to scrub floors, wake up early or deal with my husband when he’s sick.
Jerseygirl, I like your thinking … If I could be The Head Wife, then I’d say I do! We’d need a great big house though, no babies or toddlers, or really talkative hyperactive kids, or even snotty teenagers .. so I guess I’d just need separate living quarters. My husband couldn’t have under-age wives though because that’s just sick and wrong, and he couldn’t make me go to church. Or make wear those clothes, or really make me do anything. So I guess over-all, polygamy isn’t for me. Polyamory is really something to explore though .. I’ll have to read into it and do some blogging of my own …
Hey guys, just to clarify something…I'm a Mormon currently living in Utah and the polygamous population (FLDS) around here is rather small actually (regardless of what Big Love might lead you to believe). There aren't many around compared to the general populace; mostly out in some of the smaller towns and cities you'll see them, but they pretty much keep to themselves-more to the southern end of the state. Here in Salt Lake we have cars, running water, and even indoor bathrooms; we even hosted the winter Olympics here a while back. Yes (sorry to rain on Jessica's rant), we are Christians and we also believe that having sex (with just one person) is a good thing; anyone having sex here with sixteen-year old virgins is doing jail time, just like anywhere else. In regard to the quality of the people who call themselves Mormons-we have some pretty kick-ass people within the Church and our fair share of assholes as well…..