Romance Novels Suck – I Want Real Smut

I know there is smut here somewhereDid I ever tell you guys I have a Master’s degree in English, and if I wasn’t writing stuff  for you Toy With Mes and my blog readers, I wouldn’t use it at all?  So I guess I should say “thank you” because it makes it a little easier to cut that student loan check every month knowing that I’m providing very high quality entertainment (why are you laughing?  It was a state school, okay?  Fuck. Off.) to the Internets.

And as A Person Who Knows About Good Books and Stuff, I’ve done a lot of reading and a lot of writing about reading and a lot of reading about writing and researching about reading and then writing about research and because of that, I guess you could say I’m literate or whatever.

In light of all my experience with literature, it’s pretty natural for me to get a little charge in the libido department by reading sexy books.  Unfortunately, they don’t tell you much about sexy books in college. Sure, there might be a steamy scene here or there, but for the most part, it’s all just literature.

Like, EW!

And so I’m pretty much left to my own to search for some good smut.

One time I  tried to become A Person Who Reads Romance Novels because I found a study done by some people (see? There I go with my researching and my carefully documenting sources.  I’ve got mad skillz, yo.) and it said that every five seconds, someone buys a romance novel.  EVERY 5 SECONDS!  And the reason for it is: “women who read romance novels have 74% more sex than those who don’t.”  Well slap me in the ass and call me Judy! When I saw that, I was all “I have got to start reading this shit!”  My husband is one giant gland, and he’s always a moment away from humping my leg.  I have to work to catch up with him and I need all the help I can get, but you know what you guys?

Romance novels don’t do it for me.

I’ve tried so hard and I really want to love, love, love them, but I find them amusing instead of sexy.  It sucks!  I want to have 74% more sex, too!  Maybe even 75% more sex—because when I do things I like to GO BIG! I just can’t get past all the flushing and swelling and heaving bosoms anticipating the dangerous touch of rough hands and curious fingers exploring hot moistness underneath petticoats and the breathless anticipation of the plunge of a hard length of manhood into a snug tunnel and the musky stickiness that follows the last thrusts of love and the release of the rogue stallion’s seed.

Oh, Jeezus!

Where are all the pussies and cocks and tits and assholes and cum shots?  If I’m going to read a pornographic scene, I want it to be pornographic, for fuck’s sake.

I’ve also tried reading porn stories like the ones found in Naughty Stories from A-Z.  They’re okay, but I really can’t bring those books with me to places like the dentist or the hairdresser or waiting for my daughter to get out of dance class.  It’s not really socially acceptable to bring porn around with you.  I don’t know why.  But that’s okay because I’d rather have a little more plot to my stories anyway.  That said, I don’t want too much of a plot because really?  I want to get to the good part and I will totally skim through until I find it.

I’m a very large pain in the ass wonderfully complex woman, yes?

So, at the suggestion of a friend, I turned to Anne Rice. I started with Exit to Eden (published under the name Anne Rampling) which is an exploration of BDSM, but in the form of a romance novel and it was so much better! I was very encouraged by my experience with it, so I moved on to her erotic trilogy about Sleeping Beauty and ho. lee. shit!

There was some kind of spanking and/or degrading sex on every page and I read all three novels in like, a week.   I found the spanking to be a little excessive though and after a while I was just like, “okay.  I get it.  A good spanking makes your bum all warm and hurty.  Roger that.  My ass is sore just reading about it.  Let’s move on.”  But aside from all the spanky-spanky? Yes ma’am! I liked reading about Beauty a lot and a lot.

I need more of that.  With less spanking.  But you know what I’m thinking, you guys? Instead of whining about how I can’t find any good smut to read, why don’t I write my own smut?

And I have a Wonderful Idea for my first book.

I have a fantasy about Vinny, the guy who works at the deli counter at my grocery store, and I think that’s going to be what my first book is about–all my imaginary encounters with Vinny.  I’m even already working with some titles.  Check it:

Clean up on Aisle 69.


Vinny and the Hard Salami.

Vinny and the Roast Beef Curtains.


I hate it when I gross myself out with my own thoughts like that!  “Roast Beef Curtains” is just yucky, right? I mean, even if we’re NOT talking about labia, it’s still nasty.

AnyCrissybecomesapornwriter, until I get this bad boy written, I need some suggestions from the Toy With Mes.  What books turn your crank and where can I find them?  Also, I am clearly in need of title suggestions.




  1. Nambrosia

    Laurell K Hamilton. She has two series and both have fantasy plot lines that don’t suck with massive amounts of incredible fuckage. Pages and pages of cocks and pussy et al. Anita Blake and Meredith Gentry are the two series lines.

    I have always always been disappointed with Anne Rice. I find her plots dragging unbearably towards some obscure climax with endings that leave me feeling as if I just wasted a few hours of my life with drivel. Idk if her erotica would impress.

  2. Jen C

    I was given the series The Black Dagger Brotherhood by JR Ward by a friend of mine and wowza they’re pretty damn hot, I must say. Is it all out porn? not exactly but there’s some bondage and all the sex scenes (there are a lot of them) are really graphic. Lots of “cock” , etc. I can’t get into the “heaving bosom” crap with petticoats so this suits me while not humiliating me in public if someone sees me reading it. If I want something more sexy, I just buy them for my e reader and remain ninja-like in my sexy time

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