Save The World – Give A Blowjob

ID-100111047I’ve been around. Not around around, but I’ve been sexually active long enough to figure out how to give a decent blow job and to acknowledge that MOST (even though I’m tempted to say ALL, but not to pigeonhole I’ll stick with: MOST) guys love them — probably more than the Super Bowl and/or life itself.

Traditionally, cliche has claimed that the road to a man’s heart is via cuisine. Possibly True. Mastering the art of cooking may well ensure your guy comes home after work. Unless you’re dealing with a metrosexual who is obsessed with garlic,  enjoys inventing marinades and experimenting with exotic spices and can cook way better than you because he’s like a reincarnation of Georges Auguste Escoffier or his mom happens to be Paula Deen and it runs in the genes. Or maybe he grew up in the South and you didn’t — and well, you just can’t compete with that. So now you’re screwed. And since this isn’t the 1950s and equal opportunity often means shared responsibilities – domestic and work related – chances are your man can cook anyway.

So the question remains, What unique skill are you going to bring to the relationship to keep him engaged?

He loves me because…(name whatever makes you feel good. I’m creative. I’m hot. I’m smart. I can play the piano. Blah, blah, blah — insert hand jerking image). And CUT TO: He loves his penis. Guys LOVE to get off. Point-blank, or rather POINT AND SHOOT. It’s how they were created, it’s how they are designed. They wake up in the morning and the first thing they do is check that their penises are still intact — then they usually proceed to jerk off. So if you want to remain the focus of your man’s thoughts, give him a good blow job and well, your job is done.

Now I’m not reducing the intellect of man. Or disregarding the fact that man is responsible for building bridges, roads and the Notre-Dame, but I suppose maybe that’s why historically they’ve earned their right to a decent blow job. And I’m not disregarding regular sex, but if you’re not in the mood and looking for a short cut or if you’re currently fertile and not looking to get knocked up – the BJ is your blessing in disguise. The BJ can be performed in a relatively short amount of time, it’s not going to get you pregnant and it’s a good preventative measure against your boyfriend slash husband cheating on you. It also takes less effort than sex. And you can always ask for the same oral action in return. Everybody wins.

On another note, if you are knocked up, performing BJs during pregnancy may reduce the risk of miscarriage and pre-eclampsia, particularly when semen is ingested. See, it pays to swallow. INTERESTING FACT: Semen has also been linked to cancer prevention, particularly breast cancer and may possibly act as an anti-depressant during intercourse (COURTESY Wikipedia). I wonder if that just inspired women all over the world to get busy — if it hasn’t, what are you waiting for?

Now I realize some ladies don’t like giving blow jobs. You’re dealing with pubes and really there’s nothing attractive about a ball sack up close. Sometimes you feel like you’re choking or if you’ve ever tried bulimia, like say in high school (not a good idea) it may give you unnecessary flashbacks, particularly if you’re going all out with the deep throating technique. I totally understand. I do recall being drunk in college and throwing up on my boyfriend’s thing. Totally gross. I was 18, so stop judging me people. But seriously, I was wasted, what was he thinking sticking it in my mouth while I was on the toilet trying to pee. And what was he doing in the cubicle with me anyway? SERIOUSLY: My parents can never read this. EVER. (SIDE NOTE: It’s amazing how my alcohol tolerance level has dramatically improved since then).

Anyway, it’s taken me years of gagging, choking and regurgitating to get it right. Listening to instructions such as, “Twirl your tongue around the knob. Use your hand. Increase your speed.” FUCK! Why don’t you do it yourself?! That’s right…you can’t. Eventually it became instinctive and I even discovered little tricks, such as moaning even if you don’t mean it. TIP: Just fake it so he thinks that you think, “Agh, this is way better than ice cream” and usually that accelerates the process.

Now I’m not discounting that some women may feel they have surpassed the age or reason of giving blow jobs. WARNING: The repercussions may be disastrous. A blow job is what led to Bill Clinton’s impeachment. Hillary possibly felt she was too good to perform fellatio on her husband — or maybe just plain lazy if her efforts as Secretary of State are anything to go by. So my theory is: poor Bill had too much pent up tension, broke down and gave into a blow job from the intern. Next thing you know he’s the center of a national crisis and all of America is discussing his penis. Seriously Hillary, all you had to do was give the man a BJ. Five minutes of your time. Talk about NOT being a team player.

What Hillary failed to realize is that giving a BJ gives you power. SUGGESTION: If you stop right before he’s about to get off, this is the perfect opportunity to ask him for money or bribe him for a Louis Vuitton bag. HOWEVER: If you’re in politics, this is probably your chance to prevent a nuclear disaster or resolve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict (HINT: Hillary, it’s not too late to make up for past mistakes. Also a good opportunity to get even with Bill).

I’m kind of convinced that regular BJs helped Kennedy put an end to the Cuban Missile Crisis. I mean the guy was dealing with major Cold War threats and he always came off as relaxed. Like post-BJ type relaxed. Kudos to Jackie — or Marilyn. And I truly believe a solid BJ could’ve persuaded Lyndon B. Johnson to put an end to the Vietnam War. It’s kind of obvious. I mean the last two initials of his name are the acronym for blow job –  Baines Johnson. (CONSIDER: A BJ could’ve spared thousands of civilian and military lives). Nixon, on the other hand, with that whole Watergate scandal– well, he probably needed a threesome, in addition to a BJ every hour on the clock. I doubt a quickie could’ve distracted him from his ego. But that’s a separate topic all together. And I could go into what a blow job (and a dictionary) could’ve done for George Bush and the American society, but I’m tired.

So the moral of this story is: BJs are a good way to distract, persuade, bribe, keep man satisfied and be healthy (unless there are STDs involved). So ladeeezzz, next time you’re bored and thinking, what can I contribute to mankind? Or, how can I help humanity? — Just Give a Dude a BJ. Together I truly believe we can better the world one blow job at a time. Or like totally prevent World War Three. Whaddaya think?  Now that I think about it, we could probably even take over the world and create our own one world order society — but let’s not use our powers for evil now. Or let’s. I’m open.

Free Digital Photos. Photo by marin.

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0 comments

  1. I am anonymous

    I'm a guy and I happen to like giving oral to my girl myself but the part about stopping a BJ and asking for something seems a bit wrong to me. There is a word for mixing money and sex that I don't like, it's prostitution. I'm all for having my lady go down on me and all for going down on her but keep money the hell out of it!

  2. catherine

    Great post on what is one of my very favorite pastimes. I love performing felatio, I wish I could list blow jobs on my resume as a marketable skill. Maybe I’m in the wrong industry.

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