Self Esteem Is Sexy: How BDSM Taught Me to Love Myself

 

 

Man and woman's hands handcuffed together holding hands

One of the best things about being in my forties is that somehow at this point in my life; I decided to just
let some shit go. It wasn’t easy, but I did it.

When I first got divorced I was really nervous about entering the dating world again. My ex-husband so
graciously said to me, as he was walking out the door, “No one will date you. You’re over 40.” And then
I thought, shit maybe he’s right. After all, my body had aged during our 12 years together and I’d given
birth to 3 children. Plus, I had gained some weight.

While I had been married, none of these things had mattered. I felt fine about myself. After all, he was
the one who gave me those children that left their marks on my body. He had aged and gained weight, too.

Then I thought, “Fuck him.”

While I still felt a tad insecure, I started to at least pretend to have confidence. I embraced the things
that I loved about my body and dressed in ways to enhance those things. I have a voluptuous figure so I
bought dresses that would highlight my tits or my hourglass curves. The clothes gave me confidence
and I began to learn how to flirt again.

It worked so well, I ended up bringing home a 25-year-old cutie.

I kept the lights dim, still scared to show myself fully, but we had a good time and even became
friends on Facebook. My self-esteem was coming back, but I was still faking it until I could make it.

Sexy passionate couple with handcuffs

The biggest turning point for me was when I joined the BDSM community. The first party I attended was
a woman-only event. I was very new to the community and I had no idea what to expect. So, of course, I
wore one of my sexy new dresses. I was feeling pretty good. The fake it ‘til you make it strategy had
been helping to actually build a little self-confidence, but I was nervous about getting undressed.

However, when everyone took off their clothes, it opened my eyes to reality. For the first time, in a long
time, I got see other women naked. And you know what? Not one body was perfect. We all have our
flaws. But these women were confident, and that was hell of a lot sexier. Big or small, they were there
proudly displaying their bodies regardless of stretch marks, wrinkles, moles, scars, weight issues, etc.

So I let it go. I stopped faking it and instead embraced my body the way that it is.

And people noticed. I got more attention than I had in a long time.

A few months later I was hanging out with a cute guy that wouldn’t take off his shirt on a hot day.
“I can’t take off my shirt. I’ve gotten too skinny,” he said. “I need to get back to the gym and get my
muscle tone back. I look like I have old man skin.”

Now, this guy was in his late forties. He didn’t have “old man skin.” He didn’t look too skinny. But, you
know what? He did suddenly look a little less attractive, and not because of how his body looked but
because of his insecurity.

Self-esteem is sexy; insecurity is not.

Learn how to love and accept yourself and others will too.

 

 

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