Do you guys remember that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry tries to talk dirty to his girlfriend and he says something like ”you mean the panties your mom laid out for you?” and then the girl got all offended and everyone thought poor Jerry was a total perv and possibly a pedophile?
I’m only mentioning it because somehow everything in life can be related back to Seinfeld. Or maybe it’s just my life. I don’t know, but I’m not good at dirty talk, either.
For example, my Mister and I were doing the Sexy Time a few weeks ago, and I don’t mind telling you that we’ve had a bit of a dry spell lately, and so it was a particularly desperate Sexy Time and it was very hot and heavy and extended and drunken and to make a long and inappropriately detailed story short, my poor husband was having a hard time landing his plane, if you know what I mean (blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol), so he flipped me over and breathed “talk to me” in my ear and I panicked.
I totally froze.
I had no idea what to say at that moment because I’m not much of a talker during sex. In fact, I’m totally silent most of the time. I don’t scream, there’s no moaning or crying out about the holy trinity or anything like that. Sometimes there might be breathing of some kind, but that’s it, so when my husband asked me to talk dirty to him, I had nothin’.
After a long pause as I went through all the possible things I could say, I finally came out with: “um…fuck me with your huge cock?”
I know. Shut up!
What was I supposed to say?
I don’t know!
Had I known I would be expected to perform in such a manner with the dirty talk, I would have had something prepared! Like maybe I could have written a couple of lines down on a pillowcase so I’d have them if the need arose, but I had nothing, and my poor husband just laughed and rolled away. He was just like, “that’s it? That’s the best you’ve got? Dirty talk should never be phrased in the form of a question, just fyi.”
And I felt terrible, you guys. All he needed was a few choice porn phrases and maybe, just maybe, he would have been able to land his plane.
What makes me feel worse is that he’s really good at the dirty talk! Like, super good at it.
I’m not going to tell you what he says exactly because it’ll have you leaving a wet spot on your office chair and also because HI MOM! But trust me it’s hot. Perhaps it’s even too hot for the Toy with Mes, if that’s even possible.
Clearly, I need some help. I just feel so stoopid saying dirty stuff. It always sounds weird coming out of my mouth. I could never have phone sex or even cyber sex because I have no swagger.
One time, I said something like “I’m such a dirty slut. Do you like to fuck dirty sluts because I’m soooo dirty and slutty and I fuck everybody.”
(you can blame that on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol, too)
For some reason, he didn’t like the idea that everyone had been on this ride.
I need to be in the Remedial class, so I Googled “Dirty Talk” and I stumbled across some person’s blog. Somehow, “I’m going to suck you like a lollipop” or “Fuck me like a porn star!” don’t seem very creative. “Do me like Daddy used to do me!” is pretty creative, but it’s also fucking creepy! Or Seinfeldian, come to think of it.
And then I wound up on About.com of all places, and I got a few nice tips that make a lot of sense to me, so I’m sharing them with all you guys who might be having the same trouble.
1. Be authentic in your dirty talk.
Okay, so I’m not the only one who feels ridiculous shouting porn stuff. Yay! Apparently, to be good at dirty talk, you have to be yourself and put yourself in the role of dirty talker. So, like, if I’m a tired mom who just wants her husband to land the plane already, I should just say, “land the plane already!” or is that not the kind of “authentic” they’re talking about? I’m still a little confused.
2. Find your dirty talk voice.
Grunts and whispers are also considered dirty talk! Who knew? What about breathing? I can totally breathe dirty.
Listen…
RIGHT? I think I’m getting the hang of this!
3. Expand your dirty talk vocabulary.
I do not need to do this. I have an excellent filth vocabulary. I’d like to think of myself as rather advanced in this department. NEXT!
4. Practice dirty talk when you’re alone.
Can you picture me standing there washing dishes, pushing the baby bottle brush in and out and shouting “deeper! deeper! cleaner! cleaner! I mean, dirtier! dirtier!”
Me neither. You can also do it while you masturbate, just in case you weren’t feeling a little weird about masturbating in the first place, now you’re shouting “FUCK ME DADDY!” at yourself.
5. Establish ground rules with your partner.
Make your partner promise not to laugh at you. I can try, but really? It’s kind of his favorite thing to do.
6. Start slow the first time.
Don’t worry about elaborate sexy talk right away. Stating the obvious like “we’re totally having sex right now!” is a great way to start.
7. Experiment with your voice.
I’m not really good at voices except for the one I use when I’m pretending I’m our dog and I’m talking to people. Maybe I could start with that? Sometimes I even answer myself. That would take the pressure off him to respond…
8. Make dirty talking a two way conversation.
This is intimidating because my husband is so good at it. It’s like trying to speak French to a French person working only from your English/French dictionary. Je ne suis pas sexy…
Anyway, I’m going to give it a try, but I’m still kind of at a loss for something to say. I guess it’ll come to me in the moment? I hope.
Do you Toy with Mes have any experience with dirty talk? Any choice phrases I can maybe start out with or are you just as verbally ridiculous in the bedroom as I am?
Possibly related goodness:
About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.
{ 64 comments… read them below or add one }
forget the dirty talk- learn how to moan first…. it's waaaaaaaaaaaaaay easier!!
You can start off quiet, and then build it up. "oh!" and "oh YES!" are the easiest dirty-talk words in the english language. Heh- and if you're feeling really kinky- kill two birds with one stone: roleplaying AND dirty talk- scream "mon dieu!!!" (that's my god in french)… In my experience, most men don't give two hoots WHAT you scream in bed, as long as it's done with emphasis. Recite your to-do list for the next day, just make it moany…:P
"In my experience, most men don't give two hoots WHAT you scream in bed, as long as it's done with emphasis."
Provided the other person gets *your* name right… maybe I'm just picky that way!
lmao…. that's why it's always safest to stick with "Oh God!!"
The name thing is a whole other issue. He has asked me a few times to shout a different name to play along with a certain fantasy, it just feels very awkward..
Moaning and dirty talk in French! That should land the plane alright.
I agree with Potty Mouth Mommy. Moans are always hotter. I've had women do dirty talk and it's a lot harder to work cause if its not just right forget it.
Dirty talk is an art form.
I generally am not all that vocal myself, but I've got some skills in the area. Not exactly the time to work on your oratory, eh? Still, there is something to be said for letting your partner know:
1. How things feel
2. What you want
There's a lot of variety to be had without thinking too deeply about it. Of course, moaning, growling, screaming, can be good too.
Yes, yes and YES! Great point John.
Agree with what been posted here so far… what a guy wants is to feel that she REALLY REALLY wants him and has to have him. It's not complicated. Whatever you do, say, moan, just say it lustily and with conviction. Here are some examples, that, when said with passion, should do the trick:
"ooooh baby, I want you so bad"
"oooo yes, I love it when you take me!"
"oooo yes yes yes yes"
Basically, anything that starts with "oooh baby" followed by anything that indicates your insatiable desire for him will work. It doesn't even have to be true to be effective. You can feel free to say things like "baby, I want you to fuck me all night long," and he'll still be done after the first time. But still, it sounds GREAT and is wonderful to hear.
Yes , but if we say "I want you to fuck me all night long," we probably mean it, and we are just setting ourselves up to be disappointed when he rolls over to go to sleep…..
Just because a guy is spent after "firing the love gun" doesn't mean that the action has to STOP.
I like to take a wholly different approach. I move on to things that don't require the member to participate for a while and it's not boring for either of us. Let it get some recovery time while pleasing her some more… it eventually comes around again and we go for some more.
The last time that I started out with an intention to do it all night long, it was wonderful. Started mid-afternoon and kept going. We even had a few naps together in there… oh and we took time to get dressed and eat too. Gotta handle your biological/physical needs, right? We also planned it that way, as we made sure that we had plenty of rest going into that day. It took more energy than either of us really anticipated.
If you're both tired and ready to go to sleep, so be it. I say do it and be happy about it. But if you both really want to go all night long, you just have to get creative, realize your (shared limits) and use your time well while his battery gets recharged.
Of course, that's my opinion. I could be wrong…
Hi Crissy, I give a sex workshop for women, and a lot of them ask me about that. My tip for you to "break the ice" in the dirty talk department: just start by describing what's already happening (in terms of sex of course). That way you don't have to think about what to say, and you can just focus on how you wanna say it. Also you can find what style best suits you in the moment, meaning it can be softer or harder dirty talk.
Whether you end up saying I love to see your face when you are all horny, or ram that cock inside of me, as with everything else practice makes the master.
you could always fall back on a slightly moany oh fuck yes
Just imagine you're indulging in some super chocolatey delicious dessert 
Hahahahahaha!
I used to NOT be into the Dirty Talk at all and would get all annoyed at guys who wanted to chatter away while we were doing it, but FOR SOME REASON, with my boyfriend, I'm SUPER into the Dirty Talk. It's like I can't shut up!
But also, lots moaning is good. And heavy breathing. And saying his name. And stuff like "I love your cock", etc.
Just takes the right guy to get you started.
I have it kind of easy in this department, honestly. "He" was raised Catholic, so The Sex was supposed to be missionary and for procreation, otherwise it was bad, so when we are doing The Sex, since there is NO procreation involved, I am being a naughty girl.
Dirty talk extravaganza!!!! I've been a verrrry bad girl. Oh yes, you should punish me with that …………… Ususally said in a low, lusty voice. I may be giving away Wicked trade secrets, but truly, Hat Tip to the Catholic church on this one, turns out you did me one favor in life!
You should totally write to the pope about this. Totally.
I agree with Crissy, I think he would be very impressed.
OMG! So totally true! I laughed so hard in snorted water out of my nose. Just sayin.
HOLY SHIT. That was hilarious. I will be linking several friends to this post!!!
THANK YOU!
Maybe you can all compile a list of creative lines to share.
My husband keeps asking me to talk to him during sex… My thought? My brain power is so NOT aiming for conversation at that point. I think someone has to be a multi-tasker to get into dirty talk, and multi-tasker I am not. Sex to me, as profound as it is, activates the baser portions of the brain. Trying to access that frontal cortex while I'm totally consumed with the sensory/emotional portions of my brain does not compute. So, I stick with moaning and groaning and panting and the like. Luckily, although Hubby does still ask for dirty talk on occasion, good noise-making usually satisfies his ego's need for reinforcement.
That is EXACTLY what happens to me! That part of my brain shuts down and I'm just like, "duh."
i used to love "mandy."
you know, the one from manchester? she was a dirty little thing.
we need to bring her back into the bedroom!
I forgot about Mandy from Manchester!
I can't do it either. I am also real quiet. There have been a few times, when I purposely moan louder but talking ?? My hubby does this too, starts asking don't you want to , or one day we should. etc. etc. I have had to tell him to shut up a few times ! I even saw this in a book. And SHOWED it to him.
Our minds do wander during sex. We can't always control that. Just because we are HAVING sex, it does not mean it is the only thing on our minds. Once we get to the point where the sex IS the only thing on our minds, it is best to keep it there. If I start talking, I might say a few good and dirty things, but then I have to stop concentrating….and "normal" thoughts come back….
I know there are plenty of woman that can reach orgasm while talking dirty, or while in the 69 but for myself , and others obviously since it was in the book….We NEED to concentrate on the pleasure or there will be no orgasm. If our mind is on talking, or sucking or anything else we are SOL!
Anyway, even though I showed it to him, in the book. To prove that it isn't "just me" he still got all insulted. Maybe there is a CD we can buy. Instead of background music…we can have background dirty talk. He can listen to it while we zone out and get lost in the ecstasy…
Just shut up and let me cum already
Right? Hahahahaha!
The filthier the better.
"Ride me big Sheldon. Do it to me big Sheldon." I can't stop giggling.
Good, I love it when you giggle.
favorite. movie. EVER.
Awesome Post! I have to say I am a BIG fan of talking dirty.. The dirtier the better quite frankly. This is not to say that sex is this way every time.. But when its naughty and HOT then the talk better be right there with it.
I once made the mistake of mocking my wife's sexy voice. Not her voice that is sexy but the voice she puts on when she wants to be sexy. She shut up with the dirty talk for YEARS. The starting point for getting her back into it was the survey approach. "Do you like it when I X? How about this Y and Z right here?" things have been steadily improving since then but it is still nice to just be quiet with each other from time to time.
Women are funny like that, mock us when we're trying or serious and that's it – shows over. Glad things are resuming to normal.
LOL @ “…form of a question…” Ha ha!
The paradox, Crissy, is that if you’re typically a silent love maker then it’s easy to seem disingenuous when “hamming it up”. Please start with some moaning. For god’s sake, could we all at least please start with some moaning?
I say just moan and throw around random curse words that are drawn out and turn into moans. like "ffffuuucckkkkkerblarbleahhhh" is a good one. roll your eyes back at the same time. LIE TO US. we want to think we've caused you to lose all verbal skills with our throbbing manliness.
ffffuuucckkkkkerblarbleahhhh
i like that
LOL no you didn't! Is this even appropriate for the office.
too funny
btw, you're NOT "totally silent."
you're just not actively shouting and screaming.
i can still hear stuff. i get feedback.
that is, when i'm not wearing your thighs like earmuffs. then i can't hear anything!
"that is, when i'm not wearing your thighs like earmuffs. then i can't hear anything!"
DING! DING! DING! Winner!
A man who knows what's good.
Love it.
doesn't EVERYBODY know what's good???
It's good to know it's not like doing a dead person. They're probably really quiet, I imagine.
aren't dead people all full of gas?
Right. So they're probably *not* silent. I forgot about that.
Random fact: dead people can fart. And burp. It happens when the aforementioned gas tries to find a way to escape after rigor Morris sets in.
Guess you could call that another type of “dirty talk”…
Rigor MORTIS
I think the hottest thing is when a gal talks about her own girly parts in a nasty way….just say "grab my tits" or anything with pussy in it and you're golden!
"Oh, that feels so good” is almost always appropriate, and so is, “Oh yes, tell me more!” And don’t forget, often you don’t have to say anything at all. Heavy breathing, soft moans and sighs of pleasure go a long way all on their own.
You can never go wrong with: "uh," "ah," "oh," or "mmm.
Whisper in his ear, “Je vous veux” or I want you. Also, let him know how you're feeling, "I'm getting so wet", "Your touch makes my pussy quiver",
"I just want you to fuck me until I can't walk anymore", "Oh, God, I want you", "Slip your big dick into my wet pussy and I'd want you to fuck me hard and deep". guarantee, he'll go nuts.
When I'm really feeling sexy and naughty, I love yelling F****CCCCKKKKK MMMEEEE HARDER!!!! I tell him I want his throbbing, big, hard, dick, inside me. I also love telling him to grab my hips, shoulders or ankles (or other body parts). Squeeze and suck the girls….
Well, those are just a few of my suggestions. Now I need to go find my toys….
Wow! You should teach a class
Excellent examples!
Although I cannot get the image of a 'quivering pussy' out of my head now.
i dont think i could say ‘pussy’ and ‘quiver’ in the same sentence without dying a little inside.
I find placing a hand (or mouth) on your breast and whispering "hurt me" works wonders. Now, you have to be okay with a little ouch, but you could also say "touch me here". I also use "god, I'm soaking" and variations on that.
Whispering always seems so sexxxy.
i have faith in you.
after all, i successfully curbed my impulsive desire to high-five you after fucking, so anything is possible.
I'm thinking if you're into the high-five you might also be the type of person who does rock / paper / scissors to see who changes the sheets
I pretty much rely on the old standbys that work every time and are totally spontaneous: you feel so good, AMAZING!, fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me, you rock my world, etc. But I like to ask questions: what do you like? how does that feel? etc.
I keep in the moment and it's all good.
But I do have a funny anectdote: I went on a few dates with this dude when I lived in LA, we'll call him the Hollywood Schmuck. He was a little swank for my taste, but all was going fine until we started making out. He got his hands up under my shirt, starting rape kissing my neck, and let out the lamest dirty talk I'd heard in my young life. Something like: your boobs are so dirty. I couldn't help it, I laughed. I tried not to. I really did. But really? Yeah, I never saw him after that. hah!
Lol – laughter tends to scare them off.
I suck at dirty talk. I get all shy and embarrassed and I? Am never shy. Or embarrassed. So I totally hear you on this one. I'm good at moaning and saying it feels good but when he specifically tells me to talk dirty? I blank completely.
Hilarious tips too lol
Either you have it or you don't. Not everyone is down with the dirty talk but manage quite nicely without.
Thank you for giving me a much needed laugh this morning! Hilarious! And I agree, moaning is always a sure-fire bet & throwing in the word "pussy" can't hurt you either — like, ever. Good luck! You'll have to give us a dirty talkin' update!
Nucking Futs Mama
Thanks for stopping by
I think an update from Crissy is a great idea!