DOC, ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS SUCKER’S NUCLEAR?

Third degree tears.

Shaped like a Y, the tip of which crept up to my sphincter leaving my nether region looking something like this: 

They stitched me up so tight that when I’m 50, my vagina will only be 25.

Needless to say, I waited the full six weeks postpartum and then some to hop back on the bologna pony. And when I did? It wasn’t pretty.

Our little monster was asleep. All was quiet around the house. We took things slow. We dusted off the lube. And then we played a little game I like to call: just the tip.

Because that’s about how far we made it before it felt like I was SPLITTING IN TWO. Turns out there were a couple of issues standing between us and the hot, steamy, belly-free, skin to skin, real. actual. sex we had so eagerly anticipated. First of all, they really down-play that whole “breastfeeding can cause vaginal dryness” thing, and I was kind of blindsided by it. So was Scott. There was chafing across the board. Secondly, I was tighter than my pre-pregnancy jeans.

But we are determined folk. We quite liked our sex life before baby, and we reassured each other that with a little bit of good ‘ol American stick-to-it-iveness, we would once again see a day when a romp in the sack didn’t feel like driving a battering ram through a keyhole.

Still, I ran to my internet friends in dismay.

“OMG. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? I JUST WANT TO HAVE NORMAL SEX.” I lamented – eager for advice and encouragement.

As always, my girls were forthcoming. They lamented along with me. They e-stroked my hair and promised it would get better. And then I read the three little words that would change the course of history [in our bedroom] forever. It was my dear, brilliant, wonderful, [insert-glowing-adjective-here-because-she-effing-deserves-every-one] well, I won’t tell you WHO wrote these words:

Vibrating.  Cock.  Ring.

Totally helps relax the tight vadge.

Oh, and not the trojan kind. Buy one from a naughty sex toy site. It’s worth it.

I was intrigued. I mentioned it to my hubby, and [after he wiped the kid in a candy store grin off his face] he ran right out and picked one up.

Well…slap my ass and call me Pamela, because that shit WORKED. Loosened things right up, and got us back on the train to O-town (and I’m not talking about the city, or the shitty boyband, ifyouknowwhatImean…) I still pretty much praise my friend’s name on a daily basis.

And yet…there was still one hurdle to be lept. Just beyond my war-torn labia, things remained dry as the Sahara. The generic drug store lube we had wasn’t cutting it. It was time to break out the big guns…So we unearthed the novelty lube from my bachelorette party. It was one of those his&hers combo packs – kind of like that KY Yours + Mine stuff – except not like that at all, because as soon as the “his” met the “hers” it was like someone had LITERALLY LIT MY LOINS ON FIRE. The “chemists” at WET must have gotten a few ingredients wrong, because not only did I shriek in pain, but Mr.HABsorbent did as well. It burned his dick, ladies. We were officially in the market for some new lube.

So when our anniversary came around, and we sent our little panty liner to spend the night at Grandma and Grandpa’s house (I don’t have a clever feminine hygiene related nickname for them) Mr.HABsorbent turned to me with that shit-eating grin and said:

“Wanna go to Le Sex Shoppe?”

Truth be told, I did NOT want to go to Le Sex Shoppe. I wanted to go to Rite Aid, and quietly buy them out of whatever lube they had – well disguised amongst other less incriminating items like diapers and rocky road – before going home to drink some wine, have a semi-painful quickie, and promptly pass out for 10 hours of uninterrupted shut-eye…because despite having no problem airing intimate details of my sex life on the internet, I am kind of a prude in real life.

But my husband has been an incredible sport. So if he wanted to spend our one night off in the creepiest shop in town looking for miracle lube, then so be it.

We entered through the back (where the “violators will be towed” signs have also been amended to advise: “no oral in the parking lot”) made our way past the LolliCocks and Anal Speculum, and up to the display in front where we were greeted by “Rick” who looked like my old guitar teacher, but might as well have been working at The Gap the way he cheerfully greeted us. “Are you looking for something specific today? I’m here if you have any questions!” Much to my horror, Mr.HABsorbent welcomed the opportunity to consult a professional about our situation.

“Can you recommend a really good lube? Something that doesn’t dry up, get sticky, or feel like it’s giving you a chemical burn?”he inquired. [Oh dear god. Just what I need. The dude in the overcoat behind the bondage display knowing the in's and out's of my chafed va-jay-jay. Horrible pun yes intended.] “Rick” was eager to share his expertise. Turns out, he’d been getting lots of RAVE reviews on the KY Yours + Mine. Mr.HABsorbent cocked an eyebrow (oh my god, I can’t stop!) and turned to me – “you wanna try it?”

So there I was. Standing in the middle of Le Sex Shoppe on a Saturday night, with Rick, Trenchcoat Guy, and the mousy-looking Secretary-type who thought she was flying under the radar all staring back at me as I struggled to find a classy (!?) way to say “I have a flux-capacitor shaped scar in my oh-so-tight vagina that I am not looking to have lit aflame again, so no I don’t want to “try it” thankyouverymuch, and since we’re all listening so intently, there is baby vomit between my boobs, I’m covered in stretch marks, and my stomach looks like someone glued a deflated skin-colored beach ball to the front of it. Now who wants to fuck?

What I came up with after what felt like a good forty-five seconds of desperate silence as I tried to get my husband to telepathically understand the above sentiment was: “Um, I think…ah…I don’t think we’re….uh…I think that might be…overly ambitious.”

Rick actually laughed out loud. The Hubs, sensing my discomfort, gave me one of his crooked smiles, and dutifully reached for the plain ‘ol Jelly. (Y’know, the stuff they use at your OB’s office. Talk about sexy.) He handed it to Rick. But this party wasn’t over yet. “KY’s tried and true” said Rick, “but if you’re really having trouble getting wet, this Agape stuff rocks my face off.” Kill me. Kill me right the fuck now. Rick’s helpful advice had just expanded to include personal endorsements. He informed us that the best lubes have glycerin in them, which is great for vaginal dryness, but can also lead to yeast infections, and most chicks don’t dig that. As it turns out, Rick is kind of like a lube sommelier. And quite the salesman. By the time all was said and done, we’d ditched the KY Jelly, and walked out of there with [almost no modesty remaining] and two high-end, Rick-approved, glycerin-free personal lubricants. Uh…and also a membership to their rewards program…since we figured we might be back for more of this alleged wonder-lube.

So to tie in my Back To the Future reference and bring this baby full circle? The moral of the story is this: With a little high-octane lube and a vibrating cock ring DH and I were finally able to get my vagina up to 88MPH…’cause where we’re going…we don’t need roads. (What? Roads? That doesn’t even make sense. The lube was awesome. The sex was epic. The end.)

Rick’s Pick’s:

JO H2O Water Based Personal Lubricant

Pink Water Lubricant

Morgan Shanahan About Morgan Shanahan

Morgan Shanahan was an ad industry lackey by day, fledgling screenwriter by...also day, when she found herself laid off and knocked up - not in that order. What began as a new years’ resolution to write for herself daily quickly became a journal of her pregnancy (and the panic it induced) and an accidental Mom Blogger was born. (Don't ever call her that to her face.)

These days Morgan lives (with fury), works (as a screen-and-copywriter), and loves (her daughter, her hubby, and her farting duo of dogs to name a few) in the San Fernando Valley, where she litters the internet writing for Cargoh Culture and BlogHer, and of course, by oversharing her personal life (complete with curse words) on a semi-daily basis at The818.com You can also follow her on Twitter!

Comments

  1. That was so awesome.
    And? I think you also described my body to a T – I still have the deflated beach ball attached to my front.
    I didn't experience the lube issue – instead, I experienced the no-sex-ever issue. I would have preferred the dry vadge.

  2. This was hilarious. Laugh-out-loudable, as the kids would say. And also, it made me want to have oodles of pain-free sex before I expunge any future babies. Godspeed on your continued lube journey. P.S. That His & Hers shit makes me feel like someone poured hot soup on my lady bits.

  3. Tahaha! I was lucky/unlucky to have my hubs go out of town for two months a few weeks after our 'panty liner' was born. Plenty of time to heal but I was still scared that I was going to die…luckily the lube worked well for us! Oh and I also hate those increase her pleasure lubes that were OBVIOUSLY not made by a woman, well maybe a woman who likes vagina fires.

  4. That is totally awesome… and educational for me, he of the vagina-less gender. So happy I am never ever gonna have kids….

  5. I'm pounding on the wall, you noisy fucks.

    -Respectfully, your neighbor in Burbank. No really. I'm in Burbank. Quit fucking and listen.

  6. agenthousewife says:

    Actually, you made a good pick on the JO lube, that stuff works well for post-baby dryness!

  7. Oh girl, now that was funny…yet painful to remember. It was 8 or 9 months before we could have sex without me feeling like my vagina was being ripped apart all over again.

  8. This post was awesome

  9. I have a sensitive vaj, so I worshipped KY when they made a sensitive lube. I think it's even called that. "Sensitive Jelly" keeps me wet but doesn't fry my hooha. I highly recommend.

  10. OMG, that was awesome!

    Good thing Rick knows what he's talking about!

  11. This was great!

    I just laughed out loud at the phrase "Lube Sommelier"

  12. I have a friend who owns a sex shop. I could sit and listen to her talk about lube for an hour. She makes it so fun yet educational! And I'm glad the DeLorean got put back in the garage, if you know what I mean!

  13. Ok, this was hilarious and oh-so-familiar. Well, not the sex shop part, or the cock ring. But the dryness? And pain with sex? Yes. It took almost a year for sex to feel "normal" after having my son- and I ended up with a c-section! I guess that's nature's cruel method of natural birth control.

    • Why can't the guy be the ones cursed with the natural birth control? We pinch a watermelon out our va-jay-jays and this is the thanks we get? Nature is soooo cruel.

  14. I heart pink water. it was def my bestie right after my baby! fortunately, I had a section so I didn't have any vaginal tearing.

  15. Hey! I manage an adult boutique (a very relaxed, female orinted environment) and have ton's of women that come in looking for solutions to a similar problem. One thing I can say is DO NOT buy the KY his/hers packs either, I have heard more horror stories about the KY ones than the Wet ones but stay away from them.
    Rick was right about glycerin in lubes as well, best to stay away from them if you are sensive lady! Best lube brand tho, hands down, is Sliquid. They are 100% glycerin free as well as paraben (preservative) free and free of cheap nasty fillers.
    Since you are having some struggles with dryness try the Sliqud Silk, it has a little touch of silicone lube in it to help keep it from absorbing into the skin and evaporating too fast. If you are not using silicone toys than go strait for silicone or Sliquid Silver. It's the longest lasting type of lube you can buy!

  16. I can totally relate! Something similar happened to me after I had my first son. I hated it so much I'm shocked we even got pregnant the 2nd time. I think other than nursing – I was just so tired and my body had become a baby factory so there was no desire to do it. Things were better after my 2nd son. Crossing my fingers after baby # 3.

  17. NOT READING THIS RIGHT NOW!!!!

  18. Morgan definitely has a way with words :)

  19. Lol – Now that's what I call parking the car!

  20. nolalola says:

    I have not had a baby, but after reading this post I’m a little more terrified of doing it. My mom tore when she had my brother, I had no idea it was this bad. Still, you are hilarious and I laughed out loud several times reading this post, so I guess yay for that! Anyway, I love this lube called Sylk, made from kiwi vine extract. All-natural, nothing weird, and it doesn’t get gloopy. It also smells and tastes like absolutely nothing, so it’s not off-putting at all. I think it’s great, and a little goes a long way.

    • Fortunately not all women need experience what Morgan did, poor thing.

      * Thanks for adding another lube selection to the list.

    • Pushing in upright positions (not the stranded beetle lithotomy position hospitals love so much) & listening to your body (instead of the ridiculous counting that deprives mom & babe of oxygen) means a lot less chance of tearing. I’ve given birth twice and never torn. It helps if you can breathe through the ring of fire for a couple minutes to allow stretching too.

  21. Those are totally the two I would have picked! I have a glycerin allergy and I've used both of those. If you don't mind the yucky taste, also try Maximus and Liquid Silk.

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