I Need A Place To Hide My Sex Toys

When I was in high school, I was probably looting around for some rogue twenty dollar bills or perhaps golden coins or something in my parents dresser when I came across a condom. I was suitably horrified. It’s not that I didn’t ever expect that they had sex or anything, I just never needed to THINK about it. I mean, these are people who told me when I was conceived (October 31)(shudders), so it’s not like they weren’t open about sex. In fact, weeks before this event, my mother had chased my brother and I around the house saying, “horny,” because we thought it was disgusting to hear coming out of her mouth.

I mean, isn’t it?

Anyway, so, I knew that they’d been spayed and neutered, so the concept of using a condom led me down foul and horrible paths in my mind I never, ever wanted to think about. Finding a stash of porn is one thing. Realizing your parents make the beast with two backs is an entirely different story.

Now that I’m a parent, I know that there will come a point when my own children will realize that I have sex and be equally disgusted. I, of course, know my children will come to realize that I exist and be disgusted by that as well, so I know I can’t win, but at the very least, I’ll have to start my own covert hiding of certain things.

Like, uh, well, SEX TOYS.

Thank Sweet Baby Jesus, I never found any of those, because I think I probably WOULD have died right then and there, but you know, the condom was bad enough. Just. Ew.

So, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to what I am supposed to do with my pathetically small (and rapidly dwindling) collection of naughty things. My bedside table isn’t going to be cutting it any longer. In fact, I should probably start leaving things like books called “A Mother’s Love” (is that a book? If it’s not, Hallmark should get their asses on top of that immediately, if not sooner) and perhaps books of pictures of cute fluffy kittens, just to throw my kids off my trail. If they think I’m the most boring person on the planet, they won’t go looking for my collection of delicious narcotics (drugs are bad, kids), cough syrups that require identification (drugs are REALLY bad, kids), oils, lubes, and other assorted naughtiness that I might have stashed around my room.

My biggest problem with trying to find something to stash these things in is that I’m kind of (okay, that’s going to go up for Understatement of the Year) stupid. The medicine I take for my migraines makes me really forgetful and I am always misplacing things. Like my pants. And keys. And wallet. And really, most anything else that you CAN misplace. But if I lost my one lone remaining vibrating boyfriend, I’d probably cry real tears, which might actually make my rarely-used tear ducts burn in agony. No one wants THAT, least of all me.

So I turned to Google, my trusty sidekick, who I like to imagine with red hair, because I firmly believe that all sidekicks should have red hair, to see what HE had to say about it (yes, Google is a boy).

First, Google informed me that Tupperware was an excellent choice. I disagreed, because, HI, it’s see-through, and even if I bought the colored stuff, my kids always assume that anything in Tupperware is for them. I don’t know where they got so damn egocentric. Maybe they read my blog or something. Tupperware to store my sex stuffs is a definite NO.

Then, Google told me that I could hollow out a space behind a painting and put a safe in there and then put my painting back. This would presume I HAD a painting on my wall OR a safe, neither of which I have or want on or INSIDE my bedroom walls. Plus, my sex toys are cheap pieces of crap which is why they’re all broken and I’d feel TOTALLY absurd putting them inside a wall safe BEHIND a painting. But this gets an A+ for cloak-and-daggers, which is always good in my world.

Also scoring points for cloak-and-daggers stuff is the notion that I could take the time (or buy) books and hollow them out and then put each of my sex toys in them. Which would work well until I forgot which book had what toy in them. Or when my kid decided to read War and Peace or something and WHOOPS! out pops Mr. Pink! That would probably scar him more than finding it in my drawer, where he shouldn’t be snooping ANYWAY. But it’s a good idea and highly creative, so the idea gets marks for that, even if it isn’t practical for me.

Some ingenious company made a pillow that hides a sex toy and a bottle of lube. Which means, effectively, that you can hide that bad boy in plain sight until such time as Little Susie gets a cold and wants to snuggle up in Mom’s Bed and lays her head on the WRONG PILLOW. Next thing you know, she’s screaming that the pillow is biting her and you’re trying to explain that “it’s okay, that’s Mommy’s SPECIAL Pillow” and trust me when I tell you that your kid will tell the ENTIRE world that you have a Special Pillow. That vibrates. Uh, count me out.

Probably the best idea I found was a shoebox. I’ll probably use an ancient running shoebox or something gross that my kids would never want to borrow because the shoes are so butt ugly and stash my meager collection in there. Then I’ll hope like hell that they don’t have to make a diorama recreating the Battle of the Bulge or whatever for Social Studies and decide to go snooping. Or maybe they can use what they find inside in their dioramas (do kids still have to make those things?). Who the hell knows.

Either way, the shoe box seems like the best alternative for now. Well, the shoe box and some new sex toys. Because this is just getting pathetic.

So tell me, Toy With Me-ers, where do you stash the goods?

Photo source

About Mommy Wants Vodka

Bored by mini-vans, life in the child lane, and pot-pie recipes, Becky began to write on her blog, Mommy Wants Vodka in 2007. She was as shocked as anyone to find out that people actually wanted to read what she wrote. Instead of living a swinging life of weekends in the Congo and curing baldness while holding crack babies, she stays home with her three children. An unpaid, kept woman.

Comments

  1. Mine are currenlty stashed in my husbands underwear drawer.

    What kid in their right mind wants to go through their dad's crusty underwear drawer (except I wash the underwear so I know they're not crusty).

  2. I have to disagree…..Google is indeed a redhead…but Google is a sexy siren in a skimpy two piece see through when it is wet bathing suit who is eager to be at my beck and call and every whim!

  3. So the very best ad vice I can give because I have a lot of sex toys is that I bit the bullet and bought hard cases designed just for sex toys. Every toy fanatic knows what these look like. Mine are the large with the tray. They run $45 each and I got them for my sweetie as well. She also has a special case with an insert thats smaller and matches for her rabbit and a couple straight/G vibes. (airline travel) And her big case for her toys. I have one case for just my things. One for couples things for sharing with my sweetie, and one case for my next spouse. (if that ever happens)

    I spend about 1200 a year on toys and my advice is if they dont do it for you toss em and try new ones. A toy thats broken,junky, dangerous, or can't make you cum belongs in the trash. Trying all kinds of new ones is the excitement.

    All of our cases as I said have a special type of vinyl lining that wont melt or react to toy plastics. All of them have combination locks that you can set with your own combination.

    Now if you want to save some money and you have plastic bags that your toys wont melt or react with to keep them in and separated from each other then go straight to home depot and for about $25 you can get a technicians case with locks. just take out and throw away the dividers and tool holder in the lid that you don't need. I have one of those as well, and it is like the ones on deal or no deal. Big enough to toss in a small towel and keep the toys quiet.

    Foryournymphomation makes sex toy cases with removable velcro pouches, but they are expensive and only have a lock on the zipper which isnt all that safe. Copy and paste that word/name into Google to see those.

    I like the special toy ones the best. Sex shops dont carry them but couples oriented store have started to so look there. Or go to EdenFantasys.com web site and read tons of fantasy evenings and type lockable sex toy case into thier search to see a small one. Mine and hers are black.

    PS. My ex and I used a custom built foot locker/trunk with oak and fur interior. Lots of toys.

    • Wow, you are full of some great tips! Thanks for sharing Mike. Now we all need a super tricked out collection like yours ;)

      • Mike's mention of For Your Nymphomation is noteworthy. I don't have a large collection but I do like to keep it hidden. I'm quite happy with the 10" bag, which comes with a lock and key (it's not a heavy duty lock, but it's a determent to peeping I'd guess). The bag kind of resembles a make-up purse yet holds a fair amount. I imagine it could be stashed anywhere, even a bedside drawer, seeing as the contents aren't in plain sight. Also, It's worked out nicely for travel as it fits neatly in a suitcase. Eden Fantasys doesn't seem to offer the size anymore, so here's the main site if you are interested :) Good luck!
        http://www.foryournymphomation.com/footlong.htm

    • Mike, I love you.

      • Aunt Becky, If you knew I stayed up every night and wrote my love a good morning email every single evening…..so when she woke she would know she was loved. That I call, and txt all day long to tell her how beautiful she is and how I am always thinking of her. Send her flowers and gifts. Remember all eleven critical holidays a woman needs to have remembered, and how I work hard to make every one of them special. Remember every little thing she says she likes and store those thoughts to use later for surprises. Send her love ecards all the time and Naughty ecards all the time. ( um naughtycards.com and the naughty cards store is WHOLESALE to the public!!!!!!!! cheap toys are the goal there) How I worry about her well being in every aspect, and take special care to keep her emotionally and mentally satisfied. How I listen to every little cough and sniffle and tell her to take medicine before things go bad. How I slam down the phone and cut other people off when she calls on her special phone that no one else has ever called on. There is so much more i cant share here. My one single intention is she knows she was loved by me more than anyone ever in her life. That she knows what it means to be loved and cared for and have me dry her tears with a tissue or kiss their saltiness away from her skin. To praise her every good work, and help her overcome every dark thing. To be there and really hear what she is saying and to try to help from a benign neutral third place instead of being a controlling partner. To help her reason to a place where she knows right in every trouble and does right through clear thinking. And just quietly listening all the time to the woman I love and being there when she doesn't need anything more than that.

        wow….. thats only even a tiny part. No wonder such a beautiful, sexy, life filled woman would fall in love with an ugly toad like me…… ok im not ugly, just average. average everything. So I reach for the stars in love. I'm a Taurus you know. Our passion is our lives. Our lives are passion. Problem is she doesn't really love me. She is in love with the Idea there is a man who would do those things for her. Nothing more. My mother told me that the woman that loves you will forsake everything else in her life to come to me and be by my side the rest of my days. I still live alone and I'm still waiting. She was a very smart woman, my mom. Just another heart break coming. I already know. I will be polite and cordial. You just cant tell me you love me unless you really do. That's all. Half a century old and I will sit at home and weep for weeks soon.

        I followed you and the Daver for a while now. Trust me. you hit the lotto. He has the deep love. And you read what I write but in the real world, less is really more. Bottled up passion is far stronger and more intense when it comes out. its only a matter of popping the cork.

        And PLEASE, get some locking cases so the children, the relatives and the friends don't become knowing of your private personal things in a visual three dimensional manner……..rotflmao!!

  4. Wow, Mike kinda scares me a little, I don't think I have spent that much on toys in my life. I can tell you that my ha ha excuse for a toy collection was put in a opaque kaboodal. and then hidden behind crap on the top shelf of my master suite bathroom closet. No kid would ever look there, unless my daughter and her friends were going to a concert and looking for stuff to make them look all awesome. Yeah the screams of horror as my daughter and 3 of her high school friends was "a bad moment". but I explained I was just holding them for a friend, they weren't mine. The looked at me like I was on crack and I said, see how stupid that sounds? Shut up and get out.

    • Well no, not all on toys. Some is bedroom decor, satin sheets, lingerie for her, and other things that go with romance. But I do buy expensive toys because…….they work. I also don't ever share any toys, So……how do I say this…….each woman gets her own for her to keep. Some toys are 150.00 some are much more. I have expensive tastes. Right now I have one woman that I love and care for and she started with two junky vibes that didnt work half the time, when I met her. Now she has lots of options. Good options. Our sexual functions are as important as food, water,oxygen, and sleep. So I invest in my well being and those I care about. $100 a month for romance and sexy fun is not that much to give up for what you get.

    • You know coffee came out my nose when I read about the 'bad moment' That was about the funniest thing I have heard in a while. I'm doing it. Every time it comes up, i'm just holding for a friend. Gotta remember that. Just holding them for a friend…..like that would ever work. lol.

  5. My True Love and I use a special box with a latch and we keep it up on a top shelf in our closet. Also, the children are not allowed in our room without permission. However, we may need to upgrade to a larger box soon. And remember to do a better job of putting the toys away in a timely manner.

  6. We're still in the night stand stage, but I've been thinking the same thing. Maybe old luggage stashed in the closet that no one uses? Then I'll probably scare myself opening up and be all, "Why the hell is there a severed pen- ohhhh… oh, right."

  7. I have a box from Ikea that is actually made for bathroom storage that I use to hold *most of my collection and my dirty books… so far my 10 year old understands that she doesn't really want to dig too deep into mommy's space… but she knows she can ask me anything if she really wants to know.

    This is a great question and I agree Tupperware and pillows are definitely not the answer. I just appropriated a shoe box to house some of my porn the other day. I think you might be on to something :)

    • Something where it doesn't LOOK inviting or interesting. I know with kids, the more forbidden, the more exciting it is. But we'll see what I end up going with.

  8. My mom used to keep her toy in her bedside table right next to the phone book (remember those?). This meant that if anyone in the family needed to look up a number, we had to wait for her to go get the book for us, or root past "it" ourselves. It was quite the family joke when I was a teenager when anyone needed something from "the phone book drawer". My parents were always very open about sex and the fact that they had it (often!), and I am somehow unscarred by this.

  9. Hubster and I were just having this very conversation last weekend. We both agreed a shoe box is the deal-e-o. I also agree that my "collection" needs some spiffing up. The only one still working is my trusty "Papa Smurf" (large blue veiny vibrator).

  10. I have a box (hehe, box). it's the kind of nondescript black box for storing photos. only I keep Rosie, condoms, sex books, and lube in there. of course, I don't have kids to hide it from. but I can keep it in plain site and no one knows.

  11. wow and to think i had a small collection…guess not LOL I have 6 "friends" that live in my nightstand table. All oils and lubes and such are in there also.

    But my kids are older and well…im not ashamed of anything. We are a very open family. (probably why all my kids had kids at a young young age). I won one of the gift baskets from Astroglide on here and it came with like 20something tins of Astroglide labeled mints. They are on my kitchen bar for anyone to enjoy. The lovely travel coffee mug also labeled with their label was given to my son for his truck. VERY OPEN FAMILY!!! lol

  12. i do have to hide my lime green Fun Factory dino-lookalike from my son – he's seen it once and thinks it would be awesome to play with (on playdates, a bit like a jedi sword i think). he also considers my We Vibe to be some kind of stun gun (he's not that far off i guess) so that has to be hidden too (or he'd run down the batteries and 'stun' his playdates).
    so if i a. find a storage place (at arm's reach from my side of the bed, preferably and somewhere he won't access during playdates) and b. keep to buying only cute or sci fi inspired toys maybe i won't scar him too much when he gets to the "wtf?? ewwww" realisation stage in his teens?
    i think i'm with the commenter above whose mum kept her stash next to the phone book – maybe my wee guy won't be too weirded out in the future (and develop all the hang ups his dad has!!)

    • Anything by Fun Factory looks to cool not to play with no matter what your age. These are great stories to share when he starts introducing you to new girlfriends.

  13. shadowedge says:

    tool box. Get a plastic one, that has a loop for a lock, and keep it locked.

  14. I hide mine in the bottom drawer of my dresser under clothes and other crap. I think it's a pretty effective hiding place, but the only person who could possibly find it doesn't go looking so I might be a bit biased on the excellence of my hiding spot.

  15. virginia says:

    Google is a man that knows all my secrets and everything I wanted to know in this whole wide world. I hid my toy (yes in singular) in plain sight. It is an incognito vibrator that I hide inside a huge flashlight. The kids think it is a broken flashlight. Genius! I have a stash in a locked box. Hello Al Gore.

  16. I told my friend it is my mission to scar her children by making sure they find her stuff one day.

  17. OCWright says:

    I actually did a custom built box – with compartments and everything. The sections for lube is lined with plastic, this protects the wood of the box. There is an area for videos, so I can see the titles of each. And the toys are on a fabric area. This is especially helpful for the glass toys as it protects them from moving around. I also have areas for batteries, handcuffs and blindfolds (separated by what/how they are used). This makes it really easy to find things. It was built out of wood and fits underneath my bed, It has a lock on it with a combination so that anyone who wants to get in, can't.

  18. ooh OCWright I am going to keep you in mind when I start working and get more toys. I currently have everything (including 2 dvd's that I won) In a small/medium plastic bag from Wettogether lube. There is more lube and condoms there than toys only got 4 small ones all bullets. But I have seen the boxes for toys no some website including for Foryournymphomation and want one. Though I live alone I do have nosy teenage relatives that love going through my things. Right now my white bag sits on the top shelf of my closet pushed all the way to the right you can't see it when you slide the closet door open.

  19. Ok, I’m a redhead and I would totally be your sidekick. You crack my ass up. I have one of those luggage type makeup boxes that I keep all my naughty stuff in. Its big enough to hold a decent little stash, plus as an added bonus it has a lock that just uses a standard luggage key. You could probably get one with a built in combination lock, or if you had a bigger collection use a cheap brief case.

  20. i was just talking about this to crissy the other day.

    i do subscribe to the "hide it in plain sight" rule. the quickest way to make someone find something is to try to stash it somewhere. plus, most of the "hiding places" are kind of difficult to get to, which means either a) you're not going to put the toy away, or b) you're not going to get it out in the first place.

  21. My only child is a boy so there are certain places I know he will never venture. Hence my toys are in one of those warehouse-store sized empty tampon boxes – you know, the one that holds forty-eleven tampons in six different sizes – can it GET any more embarrassing for a boy? – under the vanity in the bathroom, right off the bedroom. I am pretty much sure he'll never stumble upon them. Mike of course will get the shudders thinking of this, but it works!

  22. What I did was head over to home depot and bought one of those simple plastic $20 toolboxes with space to put a padlock. Then that goes in the closet. Its not the most convenient place so the condoms and lube live in the bedside table and the cuffs and fancy vibrators come out for special occasions.

  23. My kids are still really little so for now they can't reach. But my husband and I are pretty open – no locked doors and our toys and stuff are unconcealed on the super top shelf in the closet. Plain view. I have no plans to hide. Sex is good… Fun sex is even better. I hope the kids will learn very young that playing is awesome – in the right circumstances – and that a satisfied woman is a happy woman. :)

  24. I've got a bedside table for all my alarm clock / wallet / key needs, and I have it turned around so that the drawer in it is facing the wall. There's just enough gap that I can usually reach right in and get a condom, or I can scoot it a little away from the wall if it just so happens that I need to get the bigger items out.

  25. I have a black box stashed under my bed. :P

  26. ex-gf had a black wooden box w/ padlock for her/our stuff. it was sweet, she made it herself…it lived on the bottom shelf of our bookshelf in the bedroom…or the closet.

  27. My fiancee and I used an old she box to store our toy stash. We’ve thought about purchasing a storage solution similar to these
    http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/sex-advice-how

  28. I still store most of mine in my toddlers sock drawer, even though the babysitter found them one day. You can read about it here: http://mommyneedstherapy.blogspot.com/2009/06/whe

  29. I stashed mine underneath the drawer where if you want to get it, you have to pull the bottom drawer out to get to it.

  30. I would just get a shoe box and write in bold print…VIBRATORS, DILDOS, AND BALL-GAGS. I mean shit, if they are gonna be grossed out by the thought of you doing it, you might as well have some fun with it. I guess if you really need to hide them you could always hide them in an empty box of Grape Nuts. I mean, come on, who the hell wants to eat that shit?

  31. Mine are hidden in various purses I never use! I live at home so I need to hide them from my mother. She's not one of those snoop-y moms, but she really, REALLY enjoys cleaning for me as a "favor".

  32. In a tupperware at the bottom of my hamper in my room. There will never come a day when they will want to pick through my dirty laundry or do laundry for me.

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