My Take On How To Have Better Sex

It has come to our attention over at Toy With Me that perhaps we do not talk about how much we like The Sex enough. This tickled my wee funny bone, because perhaps I haven’t conveyed properly that one of the things I like most in the world (besides Diet Coke and napping) is The Sex. It’s just not very interesting to say, “I like The Sex” for fifteen paragraphs, so I tend to mix it up with personal anecdotes. You see, Toy With Me-ers, Your Aunt Becky would have The Sex many times a day if given the opportunity.

Now that we’ve cleared that up, I’d like to get into the thick of it. This is a topic that we all can use a little refresher on, and hopefully a topic where we can all learn something from each other. Let’s talk about how to have better sex.

*Get into the mood. I know that most of the world doesn’t walk around with their sexual engines running high, ready to hump at any given moment and sometimes it takes a little preparation to get in the mood to have The Sex. That’s perfectly okay. There are plenty of things to get you into the mood, and you just have to find the things that work for you.

  1. Flip on a porn. Sometimes the very act of watching other people engaged in sexual activity will be enough to get you in the mood. If you’re not into the whole, “watching porn people” because it looks a little contrived (really, having sex with the pizza guy? AGAIN?), there’s always YouPorn, which has amateur porn. There’s plenty of gems in there.
  2. Slip into something more comfortable. Or…nothing at all. If that’s not going to help, or if wearing crotcheless underwear is going to make you feel like a royal asshole, don’t do it.
  3. Lock the damn door. Especially if you have kids. The last thing you need to be doing when you’re trying to get into the mood is to worry about Little Timmy wandering in, looking for a refill on his juice cup.
  1. Light some candles if you like that kind of thing, just don’t go burning your hair off or anything. Because there’s nothing sexy about singed hair. NOTHING.
  2. If you’re planning The Sex hours in advance, you can always send each other some dirty texts. Just make sure you have the right phone number. You don’t want to accidentally send Aunt Mildred a text that says, “I can’t wait to see your hot dick,” or something. Because that’s going to make Christmas WAY awkward this year.

*Learn your favorite sex positions. Now, like everything else with The Sex, favorite positions aren’t going to be a one size fits all sort of thing. Your Aunt Becky? Well, I don’t like to be on top. I know this dispels all myths of women everywhere, but it’s just not comfortable for me. I’m not very coordinated and I always end up falling off onto my ass which really is a mood-killer for us both. And really, if I’m not comfortable when I’m having The Sex, how could I possibly be enjoying it? (answer: I’m not). So forget what other people tell you that you “should” like, and try them all out for yourself. Find what works for you.

*Learn your sexual anatomy. Women can have what is called a “blended orgasm,” when they are stimulated via the g-spot AND the c-spot. Trust me when I tell you that you need to learn how to do this. Also, ladies, practice your Kegals. They’ll crank up your orgasms to mind-blowing.

Women (and men), there are many, many tutorials for how to give a better blow job, and I suggest you find one and learn all about it.

*Get over the idea that other people are having better sex than you. Because really, who gives a shit what other people are doing between the sheets? Unless, of course, they’re in bed WITH you. Keeping up with the Joneses should be kept out of your bedroom.

*Never be afraid to try something new. Variety in the bedroom should always be encouraged, so long as you feel comfortable with what you are doing. There are any number of new sex toys, lotions, potions, creams, outfits, and playthings that are constantly being released. Some of them you will hate. Some of them you may love. You won’t know until you try them.

That said: you should never, ever be pressured into trying something you’re not comfortable with in the bedroom. Ever. Sex should be full of the awesome and never, ever painful, humiliating or degrading. (unless it’s consensual of course)

*Confidence is sexy. Being confident in the bedroom, especially when you’re trying something new is kind of hard. I always fake it until I make it, because eventually, it pays off and I’ve forgotten why I felt so stupid in the first place. Sometimes, it’s easier to pretend to be someone else at first if you’re feeling a little silly about whatever it is you’re doing. Once you get into the throes of passion (I’ve always wanted to type that), you’ll stop feeling self-conscious. I think everyone feels a little silly sometimes. Sex is vulnerability at it’s finest, and sometimes you have to get out of your head to enjoy it. And you will.

*Be honest about what you want. This can be a tricky one to do, I know, because sometimes it’s a little embarrassing to be all, “I want you to mush my face and pull my hair,” but in the end, it’s the communication that will ultimately make your sex life better. It’s best to be satisfied and have the kind of sex that makes you fulfilled, isn’t it?

*Everyone feels self-conscious. Everyone looks weird at certain angles. It’s okay. You’re beautiful just how you are, and sex feels just as good no matter how wobbly your bits may be.

So, Toy With Me-ers, how do you propose that we have better sex? Certainly, you all must have some tips and pointers to share with us.

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  1. This is great advice. especially the bit about how everyone feels self-conscious…thanks for the article!

  2. Communication and a We-Vibe will definitely improve your sex life. I couldn't agree more.

  3. PottyMouthMommy says:

    get a we-vibe… seriously… best. sex. EVER!!!!

    and all the things you said. I think the #1 best advice I've ever used/heard/given is to have good communication. If you can tell your partner what you like, what wasn't so great, and things you'd like to try with an open mind (and a sense of humour) sex never gets boring and usually turns out great!

  4. Softcore Skinemax porn is my best piece of advice. You watch it. You laugh at it. Next thing you know you're naked.

  5. Bwahahaha! EXACTLY.

  6. Hi, I'm back to say THANK YOU! That was a GREAT post!

  7. kristina ruth says:

    Great post. I never expected to find a blog about sex. Love the post. Maybe i need to try toys or sumthin. Subscribing to your blog

  8. Not Innerested says:

    What if you're not such a fan of your "teh secks" partner. Bleh.

  9. get some women's erotica. there are short story collections out there that will get the flame burning. (the good burning, not the needing ointment burning).

    also experiment with the we vibe settings!

  10. All I'm saying is that I will read anything with an image of two ladybugs humping.

  11. We're big fans of… uh, shit. Nothing. It's been a while :( And I'm not too happy about it.. This is just the article I needed today.

  12. LADYBUGS! I'm having trouble focusing.

  13. Great post dear. In our bedroom, we're big fans of the "tie me up" game. Meaning one of us gets tied up and the other one does "naughty" things for a moment that really gets the person panting….and by the time we untie it is ON.

  14. Your mother is a very wise woman.

    Speaking up and sharing can be one of the best choices you'll ever make in a relationship. For those that are shy, you are right, a little liquid courage can go a long way :) Thanks for sharing and hopefully helping others to open up to their partner.

  15. strangely enough, i JUST told crissy that we needed to put a simple lock on our bedroom door. also, early bedtimes for kids. they need to be in their rooms, preferably sleeping, by 8-9pm.

    despite my urgings towards exhibitionism, she recently convinced me to install real, 100% opaque blinds on the bedroom windows. lo and behold she no longer scurried around attempting to put on clothes as quickly as possible.

    i've also experimented with various supplements (herbs, amino acids, vitamins, etc) that definitely have an effect on not just my physical response, but my mental/emotional one as well (could be a topic for a future twm post).

    as for BETTER sex, i think the only thing i can speak to is what works for me: i have to push my boundaries. it's my nature as an aries–i forge ahead and explore things, break ground and stake my flag on new territory–but i think it's what drives most sexual satisfaction regardless of who you are. sex isn't supposed to be mundane. it's supposed to be exciting, and thrilling, and if you're not changing the partner then you've got to change what you do with them. reveal a part of yourself that hasn't been seen before. let your partner see you naked, figuratively and literally. lay it all out there.

    if you can't trust the person you're with, what's the point?

  16. I Heart sex! Its the best thing ever! That said, a lot (see, two words there!), of people I know are concerned about things they think about trying with their spouse, or significant other, as being kinky. My Mother once told me "nothing is kinky between two people that love each other". Which, after I thought about it, made perfect sense. Who cares if others think something might be kinky? If you want to try it, then speak up! Sometimes it seems embarrassing to say.. touch me here, or like this… One of the most interesting and satisfying parts of our sex life happened after I said "No, Let me show you how I want you to do it", and then did. If you are feeling you don`t quite have the nerve, have a glass of wine, or a shot, or whatever. But speak up!

    Also, the first time my husband admitted porn turned him on, I thought I would laugh myself to death watching it… As it turns out, it really does work!

    My husband had a heart attack at 42, and heart surgery to go with it. All of those ED meds? They do not do a thing. The meds they put heart patients on make it hard for men to get an erection, by keeping the heart at a regular pace. He finally, after 6 years of quietly being too embarrassed to talk about it, talked to me about it. We researched, and decided to go forth, and bought a Pos-t-vac. Best purchase EVER!!
    Dont be afraid to try ideas that you would not normally try. You can only not like it! Or, it might blow your mind!!!!

  17. I hate kegals!! There, I said it. Please tell me I'm not the only one.

    We'll do our best to help keep your hooha toned.

  18. A ha ha ha ha! As soon as you said, Practice your Kegals I started squeezin'. It is a reminder I need like an umbrella in Vancouver (unless you have a rain-proof hoodie). I am vowing to do kegals every time I read a Toy With Me article, for the whole article from here on in. So you guys had better get some writing done so that I can tone up my hoooha.

    I like to tease my guy with silly nasty promises for a while before I corner him and take him.

  19. Just relax and have fun my add in. There have been many things talked about and then tried in the bedroom which end up being more hilarious than sexy. However it all works out in the end to loosening up and having better sex. Good one.

  20. My boyfriend once pleaded with me to dress up as a fireman… After reluctantly saying no for ages, it just so happened my boyfriend came into the possession of a real firemans outfit… I decided to let go and put on the outfit, sex myself up and you know what…

    I have never had so much fun/ awesomegasms ever! Playing the naughty/sexy fireman was as much fun for me as my partner watching me… I say, dress up and be that naughty/slutty somethin' somethin' that your partner wants, you might find yourself being more sexually liberated/satisfied then they'll be :)