My vagina has been feeling really stressed out lately, you guys.
Maybe it’s the crush of the holiday season, maybe it’s the two periods a month it’s forced to endure, maybe it’s worried about global warming, I have no idea, but I know it’s really sad and upset and just like everybody else, it could use a little pampering.
Like, a nice steam bath perhaps.
According to a story in the L.A. Times, some Southern Californian spas are now offering a service called chai-yok—an age-old Korean practice involving sitting on a bottomless stool over a bowl of steaming hot herbs and giving the ol’ hey-nanny-nanny a nice sauna. It’s thought to reduce stress, fight infection, clear up hemorrhoids, fight infertility and regulate periods.
Well, sign my shit up! I’m just dying to get rid of these roids regulate my periods and reduce stress! I will totally go steam my clam if that’s what it takes!
It’s…beavers in the mist!
There are 14 different herbs in the pot, but mainly it’s made of wormwood and mugwort.
Mugwort has been used for ages to balance female hormones. It is said to contain natural antibiotics and antifungal agents. It is also supposed to stimulate the production of hormones that help maintain uterine health by preventing ulcers and tumors as well as a whole bunch of other health stuff like ease headache pain and some other crap I’m too lazy to list.
Wormwood has been used to induce uterine contractions, treat bladder infections, fevers, sores, digestive troubles, eczema and all sorts of other annoying health issues. I also heard it tastes like ass, but I guess if it cures your diarrhea then it’s a small price to pay. Plus taking something that tastes like ass to cure an ass problem just seems poetic.
In this application, though, it’s not orally administered–it’s crotchally administered via vapors! The hot steam helps circulation by bringing warmth to your twidget which stimulates circulation to the area which brings more healing, nourishing blood there. I’m no doctor, but it’s not totally nuts to think this might work and do, well, something. When a part of my body gets hot, like when I’m sitting by a fire, or taking a hot shower, or getting spanked, it gets all red and flushed and tingly and there’s obviously a lot more blood closer to the skin. Herbs or no herbs, this part seems totally legit.
The treatments at a spa last anywhere from 30-45 minutes and cost anywhere from $20 to $75. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want to sit anywhere for that long, never mind squatting naked over a pot of soup at some spa while the people behind the curtain laugh at me for paying them $75 for the privilege, but maybe that’s just me.
I’m more of a do-it-yourself kind of girl and so I’d rather do my squatting in the privacy of my own home where the only ones judging me are my dog and possibly my cat but I suspect he really doesn’t give a shit what I do as long as the meow mix keeps on meowing. I’m in luck, too because an at-home kit that’s supposedlyavailable here is at bargain at only $330!!!! Why couldn’t I have heard about this sooner? It totally would have made my list for Santa this year! Knowing my depraved open-minded husband he would be VERY encouraging of an activity that consists of me squatting over a bowl with no pants on.
From what I’ve read, many women in Korea do the chai-yok after their periods on a regular basis. It’s like a whole ritual they do. Shit, I usually just stuff my period panties back into the far reaches of my underwear drawer and bust out my sexy toys, but you know, to each her own. It’s a cultural thing!
Some people might look at this service being offered at fancy spas as yet another way to get women to believe that their girl parts are “dirty” and that they need to dump $75 for a good cleanse, but I don’t know. Honestly, I think “why not?” It can’t hurt and actually, I bet it feels pretty good and kind of soothing. If there are health benefits to it beyond that, GREAT! People blow $75 on far stupider things that are actually BAD for your health.
When I try to envision myself doing this, though, I’m pretty sure I’d feel really stupid sitting on a pot of tea and praying those roids my period leaves me be for a while. Still, like most things, I’d try it at least once.
If you’re a dude, you need not be jealous of us ladies! Fellas can get their chai-yok on too! There is an identical treatment for the taint! I totally should have gotten a gift certificate for my dad instead of the socks with little Schnauzers on them I gave him for Christmas. “Merry Christmas dad! Go poach your bells!”
I’ve actually heard that if a dude sits with his balls in a pot of hot water, he can render himself temporarily sterile. I don’t know if the steaming is supposed to do anything like that for guys, but I bet it feels nice and makes their nads smell like a nice cuppa tea. Who wouldn’t want that?
Nobody wouldn’t, that’s who.
So are you guys skeptical? Would you ever do it? Is this right up there with labia dye, vajazzling, or any of the other things you can do to “improve” your vajeen? Is it just another way for a patriarchal capitalistic society to cash in on women’s insecurities about their girly parts being dirty or ugly or in need of repair? Sound off, bitches (and bastards)!