The Weirdest Porn I’ve Ever Loved

I was at work a few weeks ago when my husband called to share a few porn titles with me. Not only does he consume an inordinate amount of porn, but we have a need for such things sometimes, and can I just tell you that porn titles are awesome for lifting the spirits? Seriously, who doesn’t laugh when they see a title like My Secretary Is a Secret Transsexual or Fillet of Booty?

Nobody doesn’t laugh, that’s who. Even my mom would laugh, probably. (Hi mom! He forces me! I’d rather be watching The 700 Club, I swear!).

And then he came across Midget Mania #2:Wild! Crazy!

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and I was all “WHATWHAT?” I don’t know why I was so surprised by it because of course midgets are people too, right? (That’s not the PC term is it? What is it? Little People? Lilliputians? Shorties? I’m never sure, so I’m just going to go on being offensive. After all, we’re talking about porn here. I’m not sure the PC rules apply.) Anyway, they get their freaks on just like everybody else, I imagined, but the very idea of it was really, very funny and of course I HAD TO see it because DUH! That’s all sorts of fan-freakin-tastic right there.

I mean, are little people penises the same size as tall people penises?

I NEED TO KNOW!

Well, let me tell you—Midget Mania 2 satisfied my hunger for good comedy and schooled me in the ways of little people penii. It was wondrous in its bizarre glory and one of my favorite scenes featured two escaped male prisoner midgets dressed in prison uniforms and handcuffs. They supposedly broke into a house to hide from the police, and in that house lived a hot Latina woman who was a lettuce farmer.

Right?

But wait, it gets better.

There was some sort of silly banter and the prisoners said they haven’t touched a woman in 10 years and this turned her on so the lettuce farmer starts stripping her clothes off and the midgets (who appear to have normal size dicks, btw—and ONE of the midgets was actually kind of hot) double penetrate her on a bed of…anyone? anyone? Lettuce. And the farmer was rubbing the lettuce all over her boobs (no doubt the high point in the actress’s career) and by the end everyone had smooshed green lettuce streaks and bits all over them.

It was hilarious, but also a little bit gross because of my food and sex issues, and I will never look at a head of iceberg quite the same way again, but it was so worth it. Spinach is waaaaay better for you anyway.

As if love on a bed of lettuce wasn’t bizarre enough, the scene with the zombie midget was even better. It starts off with a confused slut (I dare you Toy with Mes to find porn that doesn’t have any “confused sluts” in it. The challenge has been thrown down! Go forth and seek it, my friends!), wandering around what looked like fairgrounds or some sort of antique car show or used car lot or junkyard or something, and she was all alone and stumbly in her porn shoes when out of nowhere, a midget zombie who wanted to fuck her brains out instead of suck her brains out started following her.

OH NOS!!!

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Run confused slut! RUUUNNNNN lest you be accosted by a tiny zombie in a size 3T suit and Halloween makeup!

And in true horror movie fashion, she runs into some messy office-type building where she gets cornered by the little zombie dude, screaming and kicking all the way, until he manages to awkwardly pin her to the couch and OH! what do we have here?

Suddenly she goes from sucky actress to sucky-fucky blow job maven and then eventually there was buttsecks and she was all “fuck me with your mini-dick!” and it was just…UGH!

Fabulous.

But I think what makes this whole video stand out, for me at least, isn’t so much the little people having sex. It’s the bizarre scenarios. There’s nothing like a little ludicrous comedy in your porn. I think that makes it way better. I appreciate the imagination it takes to pull it off—mostly because I’m insane and I have a twisted sense of humor. Clearly.

I was even going to do a Barbie pictorial of the midget porn for you, but I didn’t think it was appropriate to recreate any of it in front of my four-year-old. Imagine that coming out at Preschool!

Oy.

Anywho, while searching for bizarre/funny porn, my husband found a couple of new ones for me and I’m pretty excited about them. One of them is a human curling video where they lube up a couple of Japanese chicks and hurl them down the curling court or whatever it’s called. Points are awarded for accuracy. Bonus if she lands on (around?) a dildo! But the one I’m most excited about is Kung Fu Girls 2. I’ve always wanted to take Kung Fu lessons and this might just be the inspiration I need. It features an Evil Ninja Queen who has returned from outer space and plans to take over the planet with the help of an army of ninja zombies (who could very possibly be more awesome than midget zombies) and giant green space creatures on her side. Only the Kung-Fu Girls, led by their new master Yu Suk Wang, (Hahahhahahaha) can stop her evil plans. They heroically do the sucky-fucky with all their holes to save the Universe!

You can’t fit more awesome into a porn movie. You just can’t! I’ll let you know how that one is after I’ve seen it.

But I’m going to need more suggestions after that Toy with Mes. Tell me about your bizarre porn experiences, or make up your own ridiculous porn scenarios, or tell me you’ve never seen porn before (and then tell me what exactly is wrong with you)—just talk to me people!

Talk to me about The Porn.

The Queen Of Everything About The Queen Of Everything

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.

Comments

  1. reading this while eating iceburg lettuce for my lunch!

  2. @Bonedwarf says:

    Somewhere I have Long Jeanne Silver where a female amputee fucks women with her leg stump.

    That’s pretty weird!

  3. if by “sleeper” you mean “a car that looks like a hoopty but runs 11 second quarter miles,” then you’ve got me pegged. ;)

    i never have an issue with my wife making herself happy! i just want to be invited to watch.

  4. can i hear it for some ventriloquist porn? hells to the yeah.

  5. P'tucket Soriano says:

    Well yeah CP, she’d have to now wouldn’t she? Fact! Guys who talk about butt plugs as much as you do, are sleepers in the sack.

    Besides, old Seaman, the gal you pimp out, is exhausted already, typing her sweet little pimped out fingers raw for whatever it is you sold her on. Evidently not too raw to twang on the twat, to some good old “little people” porn, though.

    Crissie make the little Pimpster take you to Lake Cuomo this summer.
    Break out of the mold, before it’s too late, and you find yourself alone in in a dark room, addicted to zombie porn to get your rocks off.

  6. MetaMutantX says:

    Is the Ninja one, the one where the combatants hurl themselves Crouching Tiger/Hidden Dragon style at eachother and then spin into an upright 69? If so, that was one of my inspirations when I started writing superhero porn.

  7. so, when are you gonna fess up and tell everyone i caught you rubbing one out to the midget porn?

  8. I’m sorry, but in my porn, I don’t want any talking or plot lines. Just get it on already.

  9. mepsipax says:

    Oh wow, I have missed you. Anywhoodles…I once saw the preggo porn. Yeah, not so much. Chicks nine months pregnant having sex on video is so hawt. Poor kids getting hit in the head…I am so fucked up. I mean, not midget porn fucked up, but still….miss me?

  10. The first porn I ever saw was titled (no joke) Kitty’s Cat House. It was a purchase from a local porn store on prom night, limo and all. Haha. Good times…

    Anyway, the only part I can remember (does that default as the best scene since it is the most memorable?) was this guy, who Could. Not. Get. It. Up.* Even with three girls on him. Then, the icing on the cake was his interview afterwards. Priceless.

    Perhaps there was no sucky-fucky, but there was lots of comedy.

    *thinking this was pre-viagra

  11. stoogepie says:

    I have never seen porn.

    Hahahahahahaha!

    Okay, seriously, what I would like to see is all the strange porn I’ve seen in one movie, like a midget amputee in clown makeup with a weak bladder fucking an old hairy menstruating hermaphrodite in a nun outfit who farts a lot.

    I would also very much like to see Jesus porn. Post-crucifixion, please.

  12. @stoogepie – Your forgot sheep, there should be some sheep in there.

  13. Midget Mania #1 was way better.

  14. CockGawker says:

    That photo is absurd! She must be six feet tall with her heels on — and that background/setting compels me to put the lotion in the basket — or squeal like piggy. Either will do.

  15. I’m so weirded out, yet intrigued… Clearly I am a mere novice in the world of porn. Teach teacher, TEACH!

  16. You have to have me over because I have never seen porn, the closest I got was Real Sex on HBO!

  17. “Gonad the Barbarian!” Hahahahha! “Honey, I Blew Everyone!” Hahahahahaha! Love. it.

  18. I worked for a while with a dev team that was developing a sex trivia game and one of the categories was “Real Porn Title?” I was AMAZED at some of the bizarre titles…

    “Bedman And Throbbin”, “Honey, I Blew Everyone”, “Shaving Ryan’s Privates”…. pure gold, people… pure gold.

  19. The last time I watched Porn was a month ago. Well it wasn’t actually porn, it was an erotic movie. I downloaded it so I thought I might as well watch it through. There was this Asian woman-photographer who took another couple to a forest with a river to snap them for their wedding anniversary. And the couple started to strip and pose on the rocks and started to touch and caress each other. You know how it goes (read: I fast-forwarded the boring bits) and then you see all 3 of them sucking each other and having a threesome in a forest…

    Ha! I need real porn now! ;p

  20. @Not My Real Name – I prefer my pork butt with a side of slaw.
    @Crissy – Ohhhh……I’m coming! Bringing beer and dressing up as a porn bunny. ‘Cause, well, look at how much fun they are having.

    When it comes to porn I never read the titles, what the hell was I thinking?

  21. I can’t for the life of me remember the title of it, but there was one playing at my bachelor party in 1998 that was about a female superhero whose super power was that guys fell asleep after sex. (I thought all women had that power). Anyway, there was a scene where she had to rescue a kidnapped Tipper Gore by taking on all 5 of her guards, TVDA-style. It was like watching a bizarre game of twister where everyone was going for the same two spots. If someone can figure out the name, it’s definitely worth a watch.

  22. animated porn… with the title (I wish I was joking): GONAD: The Barbarian.

    I still giggle like a twelve year old boy at that one. I recently made a decision to get cable in my house again- and I tells ya, I could just sit and read the porn-channel titles all day- it’s more entertaining than the actual SHOWS on TV. I mean really, who doesn’t laugh at a title like “Lesbian Milf 2″ or “House of Ass 4″…. Maybe it’s only funny to me because I get pretty vivid mental images in my head and I think of a house covered in asses… or like a carnival house shaped like an ass…. and I just realized that I sound like the crazy porn lady who sits around all day and thinks about ass-houses… nice…

  23. I seriously can’t wait to see these new videos. I’m going to have people over and make some popcorn because this isn’t the kind of thing you watch in your bed during Sexy Time. It’s just comedy!

  24. Not My Real Name says:

    QOFE said “It features an Evil Ninja Queen who has returned from outer space and plans to take over the planet with the help of an army of ninja zombies”. That sounds like Scientology to me. Tom Cruise could star in this action packed porn. He’s already got the zombie look down pat.

    The weirdest I ever saw was some chick fucking a pig. Seriously, a pig?

  25. the funniest part is that this is Midget Mania #2…because 1 just wasn’t enough…

  26. I was in a dive bar in the East Village a few months ago, and saw my first midget porn: a guy walks into a house with a suitcase — he opens it up on the bed, and out jumps a woman midget (sorry — little person!), wearing garters and S&M gear.

    The best part was when she took a running start on her little legs, and landed with her mouth on his penis. Priceless!

    They also had clown porn playing — more creepy than intriguing.

  27. Oh I am crying from laughing so hard. I can’t mock the porn; I write Twilight smut. Wait, could there be midget sparklepeen vampire porn? That would be a total win for me!