Lets Talk About Food And The Sex

ID-10085748I know I write a lot of stuff about stuff I don’t understand because OMG there’s sooooo much of that and so little of the stuff that I do understand, and now I’ve got another one for you: food and sex.

Does not compute.

Here’s an image for you so you can see where I’m going with this:  Mario Batali in a teddy.

SEE?  That’s what food + sex is for me.

They DO NOT go together.  There’s your proof right there!  And before some smartypants gets all up in ma grill and comes over here to tell me that Giada De Laurentiis in a teddy is proof that food and sex in fact do go together, I say “shuttie. uppie.”  and present to you this sort of yucky picture of her rolling around in spaghetti sauce:

Ew, right?

I rest my case.  I didn’t even have to bust out Julia Child, God rest her sweet soul.

And don’t get me wrong Toy with Mes!  I love food. I think about food as often as most men think about sex.  In fact, while I’m eating, I’m already thinking about what I’m going to have next time I eat.  Based on my extensive observations,  it’s the same way with men and sex.  In fact, someone should do a study to find out if women think about food as much as men think about sex.  I think it’d be worth doing, right, because most women I know would rather eat than fuck.

It is like that with your friends too, or am I just hangin’ with a bunch of Hungry Harriets?

I went to that brown bag party I was telling you about the other day. It was fun and we didn’t have to do any humiliating games.  Whew.  As it turned out, The Rabbi got drunk on cosmos and ordered herself a a little something that her sober self might be a little scared of, and I won a set of bondage cuffs.  I always seem to leave these parties with a prize.  (The cuffs haven’t been put into rotation yet.  I’ll let you know.)

At some point during the party, we were asked to lick our arms which had been covered in a veritable fruit stand of  differently flavored massage oils, like peach, strawberry, cherry, mint.  They all tasted pretty good and stuff, I guess, but I got to wondering why they’re necessary.  Judging by my husband’s appetite, I think I probably taste pretty good all by myself.

I mean, how do I even know what flavor to get?  What goes good with ME?  I have no idea!  It seems to me the idea is to create a PARTY in someone’s mouth, not a BRAWL.  Who wants to choose the wrong flavor and produce some sort of culinary abortion like chocolate pudding on pizza, or taco ice cream?  Those are some great tastes that do not go great together!  But somehow, having one before the other is perfectly fine.  Just like food and sex!


I guess I  kinda understand how people get all jazzed about a little whipped cream or whatever in the boudoir because sex is delicious, whipped cream is delicious, put them together and you have a super-delicious doublefecta!  You also have a sticky mess, but I guess the sex was going to make a sticky mess anyway so who cares?  Throw in a little of that sticky flavored massage oil and it’d prolly just be easier to push the bed out the window and start over.  You might as well add a four-finger scoop of Crisco while you’re at it.  My problem is that I’m lazy.  Once my bell’s rung, I want to bask in the afterglow and drift off to la-la-land.  Swapping out the rubber sheets and mopping the floor is NOT on the list.

My husband tells me this is why we need to do wall-to-wall tile in our scary red carpeted porn basement.  He wants to put a drain in the center of the floor, of course, for easy hose-down.  He can keep on dreaming about that one.

Some people really like to overdo it and they just take it way, way, too far and get into the really pervy shit like ass smoothies and fat lady food orgy porn.  Can you imagine making your lovah a nice morning smoothie in your  butt? I guess you wouldn’t have a pain in the ass blender to wash out afterward?  That could be good.  Or you could pull out a chicken leg from between the rolls of your belly, rub it on the barbecue sauce on your thigh, and feed it to your husband.  Convenience!

Some OTHER people (and you’re gonna shit when I tell you that my daughter’s play kitchen vegetables just made me think about this) like to put actual FOOD and whatnot up inside their nether-belows.  I bet the local farmer’s market is a veritable orgasmifest for those people–a wonderland of toys!  Imagine the poor farmer sitting there with her lovingly grown produce, just beaming with pride as a  horny young couple fondle and fuss over the thickness and length of her vegetables?  They’d buy some carrots and small cucumbers to warm up with and move onto maybe a banana, then a squash, and end with a  zucchini.  The best part is that the toys become dinner and in these difficult economic times, it’s best to re-use whatever you can.  Just, rinse, chop, cook, and serve it up for a post-coital snack.  Butt zucchini for all!

Anyway, those are my fascinating thoughts on food and sex.  What do you guys think?  Did anyone find the Giada marinara picture sexy?

Photo by aopsan.



  1. Kat

    I adore both sex and food, and have a bit to share. First, there is an ENTIRE BOOK on "The Sex Life of Food" by Bunny Crumpacker (no I am not making this shit up http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Life-Food-When-Body/dp/…. I found her argument to be half-convincing, half-awkwardly-strange, but the coolest part about this book is whenever I talk about with people, they get all weirded out. Maybe I'm just strange, but I thought food and sex, as the ultimate manifestations of love and comfort (for me), naturally went together??

  2. I like food. I like sex. I therefore like food and sex.

    I don't have any desire to dribble spaghetti sauce on my hooha. but I think some tasteful eating as foreplay is completely sexy. any kid of berry with chocolate sauce or shipped cream or pudding eaten off any smooth surface (chest, stomach, small of the back, neck) can be SO hot. and who cares if it gets sticky. lay a large beach towel on the floor, have some fun, and then have a fun shower after.

  3. While food play doesn't float my boat, I find that food is inherently sexual. As someone that takes great joy in preparing and eating food, I get lost in the sight, smell and taste of whatever it is I am cooking, not in the same way those senses are aroused during sexy time, but there sure is a parallel I can identify with.

    Oh, and Giada could be rolling around in a pile of dog poop and I would still find her drop dead sexy.

    • Mike

      Added the sexual aspect below. The more of the fine aspects you mentioned there the greater intensity per that truth. Well done my friend. You hold the keys to the kingdom.

  4. Mike

    I'm going to reveal a great truth here.

    One that men will abuse and women will accept and use in their defense.

    One I have used my entire life. Food is the direct signal for both a mans unspoken yes and a woman's submission to him.

    I will not eat in the presence of any woman unless at a familial, cultural, or corporate gathering with group oversight. If a woman even goes on a run to mickey Ds I will take my food and excuse myself. If she brings a tray of coffee the same. In this day and age when both are in the work force the fact is nothing has changed since we came out of the caves.

    Food symbolizes a man's Semen. fact. Even though women prepare most of it. And of course they work hard preparing themselves and doing all the things they know will work to get his seed.

    Food is the greatest single signal of the man's power. Even if the wife went to the store and spent her wages on it, there is no difference. Its under his roof and its his power.

    Let me explain it like this. A woman will drop food on the floor, and then pick it up and eat it if she is alone, or make a joke about a 5 second rule or something and feign making sure its still good and place it in her mouth in front of others.

    A man will not. He will pick it up and look at it and if it is suitable not to ruin the dogs bowels he feeds it. If not he throws it away. If the woman is standing next to the man he will not offer it to her. If he has chosen her as a sexual partner he will not give her anything less than what he would accept.

    She however would accept it if he brushed it off and inspected it before giving it. And he might say want it? its still good? And she would accept it as a signal he is in power and she is receptive to what he can give.

    Take this to the dating world. A couple meets for the first time at dinner and the man orders and the food is presented. He then subconsciously or like me consciously watches for her signs she is receptive to his offering and those are indicated with either sexual cues or rejection cues. The man knows at dinner if he will continue with her.

    Even if neither of them realize what is going on. Its still taking place. She is accepting or rejecting his sex and his seed in parallel in real time.

    For this very reason there is the coffee date. Its a simple signal exchange. A small offering that is a force to the man. He must provide to her and with her, since he cant order in advance or it will be cold ensuring his rejection. He must order and pay with her and then they sit down and sense queues.

    The only time this dynamic will change is in those public gatherings. If proper and both are single, she will signal interest in front of everyone. (while they are eating) The man however will seldom show return interest until a later time in order for his decision to not be under public scrutiny.

    So yes. I have been faithful for 26 years to two women and now to a third who may or may not be long term. (I hope forever) But one thing I am certain of is every woman in my life who would engage in sex if given the opportunity. One meal tells the story. I know which ones find me to be someone they are receptive to. Also the reason why I wont 'meet for lunch' or Sunday brunch, and don't eat in the presence of other women than my chosen. Nor does she. I also instruct other women i care about in in these things, in order to protect them.

    Food and Sex are forever linked in our DNA and it will never change for all time.

    • Mike is the "pussy whisperer." 😉

      Personally, I think you are reaching. We aren't cavemen anymore. we have evolved to the point that we at least wear pants and we don't grunt as much.

      On the other hand, I'll never overcook the scallops again.

      • Mike

        I'm gonna go with that. I may do a blog and that's my new title and persona. The pussy whisperer. Man it has a ring to it.

        Funny thing though your right. The concept is a generalization based on older more mature men and dining or eating as mature people do. I just know some 25 year old guy is gonna hear "hey im really drunk, pull in to the taco bell drive through" and he is gonna remember reading that and think its his get lucky signal. Its not boys. No more than hold my hair up means pull my hair and bounce my stomach contents out by nailing me from behind. It means hold my hair up out of the toilet water while I get sick. lol. Knowledge can be a dangerous thing at times.

        • ken

          wait, why can't we hold hair up out of the toilet water while someone gets sick AND bounce their stomach contents out by nailing them from behind, simultaneously?

          i just don't see them as mutually exclusive endeavors.

    • Jess

      If I dropped food on the floor, I wouldn't eat it, because I know that there is no such thing as the 'five second rule', and because I am not some poorly educated subhuman glutton as you seem to assume all women are.

      If my boyfriend dropped food on the floor, he would eat it, unless it got overtly covered in dirt. This is because he is male and will happily eat anything.

      Eating in front of other people means I want to fuck them, does it? Wow, I just thought it meant I was hungry. And there goes the entire restaurant and fast food culture, as well as eating lunch at work or university. To avoid the inevitable food orgy, why don't we all revert to the good old days of forcing the wife to stay at home and cook a special meal every day for her husband as well as caring for the multiple children and cleaning the house so that everything is perfect for when her master comes home, seeing as she is below him in every way and is hardly suitable for actual employment, or anything where she might have to use her mind.

      Food is not a signal of submission. Food is food; sure men love it, but they love it like they love sex – they'll take as much of it as they can, in any way they can. He may think he is entitled to take the woman's food or body as some sort of power trip, but in the real world that sort of bullshit will get shot down fast.

      This is misogynistic blathering fabricated to justify you controlling the life of your partner, and to reaffirm your own belief that you are superior to women simply because you have a penis. Seriously, 'protecting' your partner by ordering her not to eat in front of other people? What's next, you telling her not to associate with men at work events, you keeping a log of all her calls and texts, or you gaining sole control over her finances?

      • Kathryn

        no, i very much agree with him, and i am a 20 y/o white, american, nondenominational girl. I cook my fiance food because it makes him happy that he doesnt have to cook and as a sign of love. If it was just food, i’d make myself pb and js all the time and leave him to his own devices. If I cook, i’m more likely to be acknowledged as a good housewife. same as if I clean. And now that i’m housing his child in me, I have a weird urge to groom him. I walk behind him and didn’t notice I did it until he pointed out. I, in no way, feel like a lesser human because i’m a female. In NO way. I have a better paying job than him, i do not feel OBLIGATED in any way. But biologically speaking, i do housewifey things to be praised, sexually or otherwise.
        And as for the five second rule thing, i dont mind picking up a piece of food and eating it as long as i just barely dropped it and it didnt land anywhere nasty, but i wouldnt offer it to him.

  5. Mike

    Food and sex. Been a big two thumbs down fan for my whole life. Tried all the flavored chocolate body paints and every thing they make. If the made a food cross over then I have tried it. Never ordered a second item of any of them.

    The one thing I have consistently done though is flavored lubes.

    This is because of the female chemistry changes through the month and to keep my gleaming high performance record. lol. My sweetie now, has had a partial so without menses she has very balanced PH and is pleasant in every way. Taste and smell is very very nice, so now food has been distanced by light years and the flavored lubes tossed in the trash in favor of perfect natural chemical balance. Which I find extremely exciting knowing its always perfect at any time. Baby is also squeaky clean with herself and spends time taking care of that cleanliness. She is my sex food.

    Some of the previous women in my life? not so much, some of them.

    That said, Bananas, cucumbers and ears of corn…… never been a fan that way either.

    For me the question used to be do they go together. But because of my situation they don't at all. Some sexy foods on a small tray with wine or champagne is pretty much a given. Just not on the sheets.

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