The Weirdest Threesome Ever

So, let’s say we’re playing a drinking game. And let’s say it’s Never Have I Ever. And let’s say it’s your turn. And let’s say you rack your brain for the most bizarre thing you can think of. And let’s say that thing is, “Never have I ever had a threesome with two lifesize blow up dolls.” And then let’s say you laugh hysterically because of course no one is going to drink to that because of course no one has ever done that. Except you look up from your laughter and you see that I’m drinking because after this weekend and thanks to my increasingly weird column here at Toy With Me, I’ve done that.

I’VE DONE THAT.

(Yes, Mom and Dad, this is where I’m going to tell the story of the time I received two blow up dolls in the mail and then proceeded to sort of have sex with them for “research.” If you decide to keep reading, please fondly remember that everything I am is a result of how you raised me and also that the fine print of being my parents means loving me even after I’ve gone down on an inflatable vagina. Cool? Cool. Here goes.)

When the dolls arrived my roommate was on the phone with an out of town friend whose wedding she’s going to be in next month, but I was too damn excited to hold off on unpacking our new house guests. I ripped the boxes open as quietly as I could and pulled the dolls out, unrolling their plastic bodies and immediately noticing how they look absolutely nothing like the picture on the front of the box. Nothing. First of all, the girl doll is entirely pink and the only thing even mildly human about her is the photo of a blonde chick’s face on her face. That’s it. A photo face and a pink body and a perfect circle mouth hole that’s just open all the time in a creepy way that says, “Why yes, your penis can reach the back of my skull through this opening, I’m so glad you asked.”

In the box with her is a little bag of spare PVC circles and a tube of glue, in case you fuck her so hard that she springs a leak and needs to be patched up. Sort of like an air mattress. Comforting, right? She also comes with an instruction manual that, in six languages, takes you step by step through how to get her holes ready for sex because, unlike her mouth, “the vagina and anal openings are enclosed with a hygienic seal.” A hygienic seal! The instructions warn you not to use a knife or scissors or a needle to break the seal (who has spare needles lying around?!) but instead to gently “peel the hygienic seal away from the vagina/anus,” which “comes off easily, revealing the vagina/anus openings and making the vagina/anus safe and ready for your usage.”

I first read those instructions and I was like, “Ah!” and “dlfkgjlk” and “stop saying vagina/anus like that!” But then I started thinking, “Man, what if real chicks were like this? If we were hygienically sealed and had to be opened (but not with a needle!) before we could have sex?”

Once I unrolled the male doll though, I realized that the girl wasn’t sealed for hygiene reasons, she was sealed because this guy is terrifying. Plastic body covered in fake body hair, rubber face with identically gaping mouth, and a separate plastic dick that has to be inserted into a hole in his pelvis area when he’s fully inflated. And, while getting him inflated is easy enough, keeping him inflated isn’t. It seemed like every time I turned around this weekend, he had deflated, which, really, is just too typical of a man. I mean, the female doll stays inflated and perky and mouth-open-ready-to-go while the male doll just keeps going limp on her.

What an asshole.

Having them in our small apartment for the week was a lovely way to get to know them, even though it kept our living room looking like we were always just one small step away from someone’s really bad porn dream. Throughout the weekend, the dolls just kept getting moved around from place to place. They were on the couch, on the floor, at our breakfast bar, by the patio – sometimes separately, sometimes on top of each other, but mostly we just kept the girl’s mouth on the guy’s dick and carried them around as an attached and ever-fucking unit.

This is the part of the story where I wish I could just stop and say that I didn’t actually attempt to have sex with the dolls, but, well, I take my assignments here at Toy With Me much too seriously for that. And now that we’ve covered that fact, I’m pretty sure it’s safe to assume that you either a) want to come stay at my apartment for the weekend, or b) never want to come over ever and are wondering how it’s possible for anyone to be sexually attracted to me. Nothing in between.

And so I leave you with those options and this lesson:

The thing about having a threesome is that it works best if all three people are equally attracted to each other and equally invested in the sex and if there aren’t any messy feelings involved. The thing about having a threesome with two blow up dolls is that none of that matters but you really do have to be drunk and it’s a lot of work for you because that bitch and dude bitch are just lazy and unappreciative and totally selfish and yet you’re still more than likely going to wake up the next day thinking much the same thing you’d think after a real threesome, something along the lines of, “WHAT WAS THAT AND WHY AM I SO SORE.”

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusyoutubeinstagram

38 comments

  1. "The thing about having a threesome is that it works best if all three people are equally attracted to each other and equally invested in the sex and if there aren’t any messy feelings involved."

    I mean.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *