Don’t you guys love it when somebody is all “Oh. My. God! I have to tell you about the crazy dream I had last night!” and you’re all like “WAIT! Don’t say another word! I’m going to go make some popcorn! I want to thoroughly enjoy this experience! Don’t spare a single detail!”
In fact, when somebody tries to tell me about a dream they had, I head for the hills. I’d rather get a gynecological exam from my dad (did the thought of getting a gyno exam from your dad just give you massive douche chills because I’m still convulsing over here) than sit and listen to somebody’s dream. I mean, real life is bizarre and confusing and hard to understand, never mind the dream world. Am I supposed to help you figure that shit out too?
BUT if it’s a SEX dream, and then I really am like “Hold on! Let me get my popcorn first!” because I luuuurrrrrrve a good sex dream don’t you? Even when they’re not my own, I still find them fun. I don’t want to hear how you could fly in the sky on the back of your pet fish who is also your uncle in your dream UNLESS you end up fucking it. Then, I’m interested.
As for me, I’ve had some great ones, I must admit. One of my favorites and funniest and most bizarre happened when I was pregnant. I had watched a movie with my daughter earlier in the day. That night, I had a dream about doing Sexy Time with Prince Derek from Barbie and the Twelve Dancing Princesses. Now, I realize that Prince Derek is a cartoon/Barbie doll, but I couldn’t help it! It was the pregnancy hormones plus he had a lot of really pretty shoes.
Clearly, Prince Derek is a very dirty shoe fetish boy, but that doesn’t bother me one bit. I’ll try shoes on for him all the live long day if he lets me keep a pair or two. I think it makes him kinda sexy. You felt a stirring in your netherbelows when you saw that picture of him, I know you did. It’s okay. You’re okay. This is normal, especially considering that in the movie there was a lot of sexual tension between Prince Derek and all those dancing princesses. Talk about a reverse gang bang!
I dare say every guy would like to be Prince Derek. All he does is roll up with his bag of shoes and suddenly there are twelve beautiful virgins just lining up for a chance to get on his good side. It’s like walking into a strip club with an 8-ball of coke! Even if you’re not into strippers and blow, isn’t there some middle eastern religion that promises dudes will get 12 beautiful virgins in heaven and so they do horrendous and crazy things to get it?
I rest my case.
Prince Derek is a pimp who knows the way to a lady’s heart and I stand by my dream to this day. I’ll even wear the shoes while I treat him like the nobleman he is.
I’ve also had several recurring dreams about Pierce Brosnan, who, in real life, I find to be kind of dorky. Like, I think he thinks he’s sexy and it shows in his eyes. He’s got that squinty look to him like “I’m totally making Sexy Face right now, look at me! It’s Blue Steel, dude!”
That’s kind of nerdy, right?
But in my dreams, that Pierce Brosnan is one dirty motherfucker and I’ve mounted him like the stallion he thinks he is on many occasions. I’ve even had wet dreams about him.
But my most favorite sex dream is not overtly about sex at all: it’s about driving.
In this dream, I am driving the shit out of some fabulous little sports car. The key is that it has a manual transmission. I’m speeding up and down and all over the place and I’m loving every minute of it, baby! I drive like the wind in my dreams! I’m rowing the gears and double-clutching and heel-toe rev-matching and the tires are squealing and the exhaust is blaring.
I have this driving dream about once a month, so of course I had to look it up. After consulting many different dream books, they all seem to agree that metaphorically, dreaming about driving a car is analogous to sex and sexual performance. Clearly, this means I’m a wildcat in the sack, or at least I’d like to be.
Whatever it means, you bet your fine little Toy with Me asses that my next car will have a stick shift, and it will feel right at home gripped tightly in my right hand. I just have to get a little more confidence first. You know, so I don’t totally lose my shit if I have to (GASP) stop on a hill.
But that’s enough about my silly sex dreams. Tell me about yours, dear readers. Do you have them? Do you have the same ones over and over again? What’s your favorite? Do you wake up at tad bit, ahem, moist after these dreams? Do you think it’s normal for a 36 year-old woman to be having dripping wet dreams about Barbie princes with shoe fetishes?
C’mon. Fess up. I’ll go make some popcorn!
Photo by Stuart Miles.