I’m going to a Brown Bag party in a couple of weeks, Toy with Mes. And if you don’t know what that is, it’s an S-E-X T-O-Y party and it’s a place, usually at somebody’s house, where a bunch of ladies (and sometimes men) go to have drinks and eat fattening food and look at S-E-X T-O-Y-S and giggle and make jokes about blow jobs and cunnilingus, etc. I’m kind of a veteran of these things, so I know of what I speak.
They’re a hoot!
To be honest, I’m uncomfortable at toy parties, and do you know why? It’s because every single one I’ve ever been to has been a lesson in humiliation. I don’t like to be humiliated in front of all my friends. Sure, I’ll humiliate myself on the Internet all the live-long day, but that’s different: it’s self-chosen, for one, and two, it’s the Internet. Everyone knows the internet’s all spam and porn and facebook and make-believe.
My first toy party was at a co-worker’s house. (Yes, librarians have sex. WHO KNEW???) While lovely, the “Goddess” (it was an Athena party–that’s what they call their saleswomen) had us do an ice-breaker where we had to say our names and give ourselves a sexy nickname. I was just like”…um… Kinky Kristen?” I felt stupid, and to my chagrin, the humiliation was just beginning because next we had to stand in a circle and pass a vibrating ball from neck to neck while simultaneously passing a giant floppy double ended dildo from between our knees to the next person in line–the next co-worker in line.
These games serve their purpose pretty well because after practically making out with somebody, you’re a lot more comfortable passing them a vibrating, pulsating toy to inspect, but a few rounds of jello shots would also break the ice quite nicely. The bonus there is that you don’t look like so much of an idiot doing it. Also, I like getting drunk.
I ended up with some fuzzy handcuffs, the only thing my husband specifically requested.
Another party I went to was given by the same Goddess as the previous one, and at the same location, but this time she mercifully skipped the humiliation portion of the evening and cut right to the chase. Remembering the last party, my sister-in-law (I dragged her along this time for fun) and I hung out in the back of the room and accidentally-on-purpose drank a whole bottle of rum between the two of us. As the rum worked it’s magic, she asked a room full of librarians if anyone had ever “fucked [her] boyfriend in the ass with a dildo.” Of course *I* already knew that her BF had a penchant for pegging, but nobody else in the room did. At first I thought, “Oh god–we have to leave now” since it seemed to go over like a fart in a space suit, but then everybody laughed and it was all cool again. That made me love my sister-in-law even more and it made it a night to remember. Or, you know, not remember because of the rum and everything.
The last one I went to was around Christmas time at my friend Steph’s house and it was just…oh god.
First of all, our Goddess (Athena parties are quite popular around here because the company is based locally) was 45 minutes late and showed up wearing pants that were too small for her, highlighting her FUPA and camel toe quite nicely if I do say so, with a poorly fitting bra underneath a tee-shirt that said “Come to the NAUGHTY side with me.” I had to wonder when the last time anyone took her up on that offer was because if you’re going to call yourself a “Goddess” you should maybe wear something that flatters you instead of wearing something that makes you look like a blown out hooker. I was a little turned off when I should have been turned on. I like my toy Goddesses to be sexy.
The lewd act du jour was particularly horrid this time and we were forced to get on our hands and knees and eat a peeled banana out of another woman’s (clothed) crotchal area, and it was a race. I totally won, but it was only because I wanted it over with. I annihilated my poor friend Steph who was paired up with her sister-in-law (mine didn’t come this time THANK GOD). That made for an interesting Christmas dinner for them both, I’m sure.
As if that wasn’t uncomfortable enough for poor Steph, the ahem, Goddess demonstrated bondage sheets by blindfolding her and leading her into her bedroom, friends and family in tow, and tying her to her bed. Then she handed the sister-in-law a be-feathered riding crop and had her whack her with it. Every one took pictures of course because what else do you do?
It was so uncomfortable everyone was in hysterics.
I considered hosting one of these parties myself, but given my remarkable talent for self-humiliation, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Plus, I’ve already got the toy aspect covered. Don’t get me wrong–toy parties are a great idea and they can help empower women and their sexuality by getting them talking about “taboo” subjects amongst themselves.
Also, they’re a great way to actually check out products “in hand,” which can be really helpful when gauging size/shape/material/etc. The stories that are likely to be told will be entertaining, and if you go with anyone you know, it’ll be that much funnier when you see them in the office Monday morning. OR, at Christmas dinner.
Have any of you Toy with Mes been to/hosted/done one of these parties? Did you have to play a humiliating sex game? And most importantly, what did you buy?
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