Isn’t that weird?
What’s even more weird is that my husband was also asleep when it started and we sort of woke up together in the middle of Sexy Time. It was kind of awesome, actually, but HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?
I’d like to say it’s the first time, but it’s not. It’s happened before, except last time I was having a dream that I was having sex with George Washington (shut up! It’s just a dream! Oh, like you never dream weird stuff! Besides, George Washington was a total badass. Not everyone knows that.) and old George was giving it to me pretty good, but then I realized it wasn’t George Washington at all. It was just my husband.
I was bummed, you guys. That shit was presidential.
Anyway, there I was doing Sexy Time with George Washington my husband and I had no idea how it all started.
It’s not like I’m a big sleep walker or anything, so I’m kind of surprised to find that I’m a sleep fucker. Actually, I take that back. I did sleep walk one time in 4th grade at my friend Katie’s house when I went looking for my mother, only I found her dad in his underpants instead (my mother was at home in her bed where she belonged and not in Katie’s dad’s bed, just fyi.), but that’s the only time I can remember anything like that going on. Just watch, now we’ll find out that I’m actually a chronic sleepwalker and I’m responsible for like, I don’t know, some sort of wild debauchery which I have absolutely no recollection of.
Come to think of it, I do wake up quite frequently with bruises I cannot explain…
Sometimes I wet the bed when I’m sleeping because I’m having a dream that I got up to pee, but I didn’t. It’s way more fun waking up wet from being Sexy Timed instead of wet from peeing the bed. I am just saying.
And sometimes I wake up after a dream about somebody, and I’m either temporarily in love with them because of what happened in the dream, OR I want to kick their ass. Like, I don’t really think Pierce Brosnan is all that, but I had a dream about him and now I can’t watch Mrs. Doubtfire anymore without blushing because Pierce and I did some very naughty bad things together. Conversely, I’ve had dreams that my husband did something wicked douchey and I woke up with a major ‘tude that I just couldn’t shake for a while and every time I look at him I want to shout “HOW COULD YOU?” only he wouldn’t know what I was talking about.
Does that ever happen to you guys?
Do you wake up feeling guilty when you have a sexy dream about someone other than the person you’re currently doing Sexy Time with? I don’t, because it’s just a dream. It’s not like you can help it, right?
I’ve even had…ahem…nocturnal orgasms. Those are the best. They require no work! You have to get up to change your underpants though. That kinda sucks but it’s a small price to pay for a gift from the orgasm gods.
So anyway, I had to Google this crap because how random is it that we were both asleep during sex because sweet Jesus what’s wrong with us? Well, it turns out that it’s a sleep disorder specialists call “sleep sex” or “sexomnia,” and it causes people to engage in sexual acts such as masturbation, fondling, intercourse, sexual assault or even rape while they’re sleeping. Use of alcohol, ahem, or other illicit drugs *eyebrow raised at Ken* seem to be a trigger for some people, as is contact with a bed partner.
According to an article I read at USA Today, almost 8% of patients at a sleep clinic reported having either initiated or taken part in Sexy Time whilst asleep. Men did it more than women (shocking!) and accounted for three-quarters of the “sexomniacs.”
Some dudes even get hurt during sexomniac episodes because they wind up humping brick walls and stuff and wake up all chafed and whatnot.
It’s kind of funny, actually.
Researchers were pretty surprised by their findings because it’s not really something folks call the doctor about, but it turns out that almost one in 12 people who suffer from sleep issues report that at least some sort of sexual behavior (masturbation, intercourse, etc.) has happened while they’re sleeping. About 11% of men and 4% of women said they had engaged in “sleep sex.”
So we both have some sort of sleep disorder.
We should prolly not party so much maybe.
So has this happened to you guys? I’d like to know because I’ve been going around asking people about it and most of them (like the guy at the post office) look at me like I’m on Quaaludes or something. Some people admit to falling asleep during sex, but only one other person I asked said she and her husband have awakened in the middle of sex.
Also, do you wet the bed? It’s okay to tell. We’re all friends here.